Huge row and not sure what to do

[flipperlipper]

Over the past few months DH has been depressed and taking things out on me and to a lesser extent the kids. He's very up and down so ok one day, snappy the next, and crying the next. I'm really worried about him and want to help but it feels like I can't do or say anything right. At his worst there is lots of door slamming and talking to me in a way I find aggressive. I am hugely conflict avoidance and perhaps oversensitive but I often feel nervous when he's like this as I can't seem to do anything right. This evening I said the wrong thing (again) and he was snappy at me and I told him he's been treating me like crap which resulted in him telling me to get out of our bedroom.

I phoned my parents who live in England in tears and they phoned my in laws (which freaked me out as he has said in the past that if I ever bring them into our arguments he'd leave me). They turned up and I sat in car with them crying. They wanted to call the police but he's never laid a finger on me, just been verbally aggressive so I told them to leave it. I'm now sat in spare room just trying to figure next steps. I don't think I can carry on like this, not until he's sorted himself out, as it's an intimidating environment and I just never know what to expect so I dread coming home from work.

I really need practical help on what to do next. We are married and have a joint mortgage on a house; we put in equal deposit but I pay repayments and all the bills and have done for some time as he is self employed and work has been quiet for him for a year or more now. He looks after our 2 preschoolers part time since September while I'm at work. I suppose in an ideal world he'd move out, at least temporarily given that I'm paying for the house, but given his earnings I don't see where he'd go and I'm worried that as he the has kids in the afternoon legally he has more right to stay in the house? My parents have offered to come and stay to help with childcare if he does leave.

Also very anxious about the morning. What do I say / do? I'm scared of how he'll react if I ask him to leave. Do I need to get someone else to do our?

And I just feel so very sad. I love him and feel I've failed him and abandoned him if we split when he's so down but I can't carry on like this either.

Stop trying to fix this, he's shown you how he feels. Reserve your strength for the coming days. There's no point in engaging if he's not bothered. Good luck at the solicitors.

I'm just so so sad. I can't believe he's not willing to try to address this if it would make me happier. I keep hoping he'll appear at the door and tell me it'll all be ok. It feels like my world is ending.

He's showing you his true colours now. If he was genuinely depressed he would be falling apart after the last couple of days of discussions between you. He's able to function too well for depression. He's obviously trying to mess with your head with some of his actions. He really is emotionally abusing you. He is not a good role model for your children. For them as well as your own sanity I think you need to insist that he moves out.

Please take back some control. Stop texting him. Go silent if anything so you can think!!! He’s expecting to offer an olive branch. He’s used to you not seeing through what you say.

I know it’s hard but maybe show him you are serious. By backing down he can see you dint mean anything you say x

Do you have a good group of friends, OP, or has he had a hand in isolating you?

I'm really sorry to read your updates op. He really is a pig. He clearly doesn't care / want to not hurt you or he would at least engage and make an effort not to be nasty. Instead he is actively doing what he knows will hurt you. It's a good idea to see a solicitor to establish your rights, better to know and to take control rather than be on the back foot. Good luck. Hope you're as well as can be.

He texted again saying I show no interest in anything that isn't about me and stare into the middle distance. He has some quite niche and complex interests and I try to understand but I think he might be right on this one.

Still no acknowledging anything wrong with stonewalling or critical behaviour

I do have some friends but not many where I live if I'm honest

He's taking the piss. This isn't "depression", it's emotional abuse.

I think trying to categorise his behaviour as either abuse or due to depression is pointless to be honest. The only thing that matters is knowing that it's not ok and that the OP shouldn't have to deal with it. It's gone on for too long and it's not improving.

Not addressing things, not accepting help, not taking any responsibility, not being rational, being nasty and putting your head in the sand are absolutely classic things that some people with depression do. It's also what some abusive people do. 🤷🏻‍♀️.

OP, you can't carry on like this and you can't let your kids carry on living in a home with this going on. I'm glad you have the support of your parents.

Do you live in the UK or are you overseas?

Thanks Me

Yes live in UK but not mainland. Parents coming over from England tomorrow on ferry. Booked an air B and B nearby as I can't bear the toxic atmosphere but think I'll need husband's permission to go there with kids or I'll be setting myself up for problems later on. I just doubt he's in mood to do anything that would help me feel more comfortable!

He was texting me during night saying I'd broken my wedding vows re sickness and health and he thought we'd be together forever. Feel horrifically guilty and sad. But I did say I would work on it, have marriage counselling etc but he hasn't responded. I didn't just say I'm leaving. Even the fact that I said I couldn't carry on like this he told a taking as a major betrayal. But what else could I do? Carry on feeling unhappy? All I asked was for change and he just won't even try.

I've packed some bags just for a day or two. Sneaking around while he's asleep feeling totally traitorous. I just can't sleep in the house with him here knowing how much anger and vitriol there is. He'd never physically hurt me but I just can't emotionally cope well with the anger. I don't think I've ever felt this sad or like a failure in my life.

I'm very lucky that I'm financially independent and also have parents who can help out financially and practically. I guess I should count my blessings but I'm just so desperately sad.

Ignore the attempt at guilt texts.

Didn't he vow to love cherish and honor you? Not be emotionally abusive.

He won’t try because he’s having too much fun blaming you for everything. He sounds horrible, please don’t feel guilty or blame yourself.

He needs to address his behaviour not keep texting you more reasons why it’s your fault. He’s not going to take responsibility if you keep reacting to his abuse as he knows ultimately he’s still in control of you. As pp have said watch YouTube, read up on emotional abuse and coercive control.

Read this thread (and subsequent) about how to acknowledge his behaviour and move on from him and his abusive behaviour: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking

You’re worth so much more than his horrible abuse

Thank you, Magoria, I knew there was more to the wedding vows than that.

Also if someone is sick, they also have a duty to seek out help and not mistreat the people around them.

Professorpootle is correct, that thread is well worth the read as the poster got away safely.

In Airbnb now and trying to decide next steps. Thanks for all the advice, it really helped

Since I last posted things have gone from bad to worse. I stayed in Airbnb for 3.5 weeks as he wouldn't leave (he won't work because he looks after kids in the afternoon and says this is my fault as I've forced him to be dependent on me - I would argue we're not paying for childcare because he's got no work; I would much rather he worked), but eventually he agreed to leave for a week and move into an Airbnb (paid for by me). He's also had £900 off me in last month to live off. I know, I'm an idiot. A broke one. But as we're still married and I love him, it's a very hard habit to break.

I've repeatedly told him I love him, want to work things out but he has to get therapy and work on himself first. At one point he says he recognised his behaviour could be abusive and would do everything I asked of him, and I felt hope. But at couples therapy he launched into a tirade about my mum and how she's caused all our relationship problems (ironically she's been incredibly supportive of him and wanted us to work him out until last couple of days) - he's just not willing to take responsibility for anything. The therapist told him to leave as he wasn't ready for therapy and the aggressive behaviour was unhelpful. After he left she said he had no empathy for me and the behaviour she observed was 'not ok' in a relationship.

Since we've been back in the house he's been in for hours every day and my mum who is staying to support me is having to stay out of rut house during the day as he's anxious about seeing him. Yesterday I found an abusive note nailed to the bedroom wall left for my mum. I called him out on it and he was unrepentant. Then he sent me a link to a song about how terrible my mum is.

Last night my hands were physically shaking in anticipation of what he'd at or do next. I feel irrational being scared as he's never physically threatened or hurt me. I also feel like I'm going mad as the mum he describes is not the one I know, but I can tell he truly believes it.

I just feel so lost and dreading what each day holds right now. I've tried to be compassionate in the hope that we can work things out down the line but it feels like everything he says or does is aimed at pushing my away more.

I don't know what I'm asking for here. I just feel so very lost and alone, and can't help but think of the very loving version of him that I can't seem to find any more.

OP you are trying to engage but he is not. His behaviour sounds awful and if it’s bad for you and DM it must be very painful for your little children. Have you spoken to a solicitor? I think it might be time to do that.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. You have carried this man and excused him for far too long. Him coming in and out of the house as he wishes is unhelpful. Its unsafe (or at best unkind/unpleasant to your mum) and leaves you all on edge. Does the counsellor you saw offer individual sessions because I think these would be in valuable for you. Start to formalise the separation so if he's coming over to see the children then it needs to be at set times and not when he is appearing mentally unstable. Take back some power and stop letting him run the show.

I think you need to accept this man is an abusive arse rather than a depressed man.

You have been giving him chances for too long. He is abusive OP. He choose to be abusive. Plenty of people are depressed (or mentally ill) and are not abusive.

Get him out and then get counselling. Stop waiting for him to change. Stop giving him more chances.

Where are your DC in all of this? I think you also need to think of the effect of this on them.

oh and stop having couples therapy. Have individual therapy. It's an abusers dream to go to couples therapy.

You must not have couples therapy with him, it's dangerous. He's abusive, and he will use it to store up ammunition against you.
If you didn't have to financially support him, could you pay for childcare?
Are there any places you could rent for a while with the kids while you file for divorce?

Yes couples therapist offered me individual therapy after he left.

He turned up half an hour ago, stormed into house and for kids dressed like he was planning on taking them. I took him to one side and asked why he was here unannounced and he said aggressively 'it's my house sweetheart'

He had somehow seen I was listening to a podcast called love and abuse and was absolutely fuming

Then he started shouting at my mum and calling her abusive in front of the kids and she called the police. My 4 year old was hysterical. We are just waiting for police to arrive now.

Thanks so much for your responses. So distraught right now. It helps to know there are people out there who can give such great advice and support

Yes I can afford to pay for childcare if he isn't about

I agree I need to see solicitor and figure out childcare and financial arrangement etc