Huge row and not sure what to do

[flipperlipper]

Over the past few months DH has been depressed and taking things out on me and to a lesser extent the kids. He's very up and down so ok one day, snappy the next, and crying the next. I'm really worried about him and want to help but it feels like I can't do or say anything right. At his worst there is lots of door slamming and talking to me in a way I find aggressive. I am hugely conflict avoidance and perhaps oversensitive but I often feel nervous when he's like this as I can't seem to do anything right. This evening I said the wrong thing (again) and he was snappy at me and I told him he's been treating me like crap which resulted in him telling me to get out of our bedroom.

I phoned my parents who live in England in tears and they phoned my in laws (which freaked me out as he has said in the past that if I ever bring them into our arguments he'd leave me). They turned up and I sat in car with them crying. They wanted to call the police but he's never laid a finger on me, just been verbally aggressive so I told them to leave it. I'm now sat in spare room just trying to figure next steps. I don't think I can carry on like this, not until he's sorted himself out, as it's an intimidating environment and I just never know what to expect so I dread coming home from work.

I really need practical help on what to do next. We are married and have a joint mortgage on a house; we put in equal deposit but I pay repayments and all the bills and have done for some time as he is self employed and work has been quiet for him for a year or more now. He looks after our 2 preschoolers part time since September while I'm at work. I suppose in an ideal world he'd move out, at least temporarily given that I'm paying for the house, but given his earnings I don't see where he'd go and I'm worried that as he the has kids in the afternoon legally he has more right to stay in the house? My parents have offered to come and stay to help with childcare if he does leave.

Also very anxious about the morning. What do I say / do? I'm scared of how he'll react if I ask him to leave. Do I need to get someone else to do our?

And I just feel so very sad. I love him and feel I've failed him and abandoned him if we split when he's so down but I can't carry on like this either.

While he may not be directly aggressive towards the children, from what you’ve written I wouldn’t be surprised if he used them to get at you. Not dropping them off when he’s meant to and taking them out for an adventure...great fun for them but horrible for you. All he has to do is not respond to any of your messages. He can waltz up whenever he wants saying they’re absolutely fine, that you’ve never trusted him, he just wanted to spend time with his children because YOU are stopping him from doing that etc, etc, etc. He acts unreasonably but will turn it all round on you and it will all somehow be your fault.

Abusers don’t need to hit you to be abusive. I think someone unthread listed the ways in which he would probably react and it sounds lick he’s worked his way through the list. He sounds really aggressive and abusive and is taking it out on your mum. Children should never be in the position of being scared of one of their parents. If he can’t control himself around your DC then he doesn’t get to be around them.

Have you looked at the Freedom Programme and Why Does He Do That? The reason that people can predict how he may behave is because he is not the only man to behave in this way.

You have not failed him, he has failed you. You are not being over-dramatic, if anything you are under-reacting. Look after yourself and be confident you have done the right thing.

Aw @TicTac80 I'm so sorry you haven't had your parents to support you through this.
So much of what you say resonates with me and it's nice to know there is light at the end of the tunnel. DHs parents have taken kids today but are quite distant. I understand why but makes me so sad to think I will lose them from my life if things don't work out.
I am hoping parents can leave this week and we can get into a good routine. DH parents going to facilitate handover so we don't have to see each other.
My parents have been amazing but I can tell my mum has had enough and I think we're starting to wind each other up a bit. It has been 5 weeks now which is a long time to be in close quarters in such a stressed situation. I also think it's time I see how I manage on my own with kids.
DH wants to chat later on phone later. He promises about just everyday stuff and not what's going on or my mum. But it's hard to talk about that without our issues coming up I think! I think I will need to a diazepam beforehand 😬

Thanks @Lolapusht it has been so up and down and you are right, lots of the classic abuse boxes have been ticked.

I haven't looked at those yet but have seen the book mentioned on Mumsnet before so must check it out! I've listened to podcasts recommended here like inner integration and found another good one about boundaries. But will def get that Lundy Bancroft one too. I've kind of had a break from listening to this stuff over weekend as I just felt like my brain never gets a break from thinking and worrying about it all

I'm worried that I can't make decisions fast enough and meanwhile my DH is essentially homeless with no money. But I just feel I can't rush into anything either way, I need to see evidence of change. So far I've had 'you don't ever need to fear me' followed by the aggression in therapy and at the house last week. I just don't think he gets that his tone and manner is aggressive

OP, he is homeless because he can’t be civil towards you in your own home. He doesn’t yell and scream at his friends so he should be able to not do it to you. He is penniless because he is choosing not to work. I am over-qualified for my job but I do it because it fits in with nursery collections and we need the money. It was bloomin’ difficult to find it and I would have loved to have been able to something self-employed that meant I had control over how much I could earn. I also did/do pretty much all the housework and childcare (looking forward to drop-off tomorrow!) as my DH worked full time. If you are working FT and your partner is part-time doing childcare, you shouldn’t be doing all of the housework.

I think he does know his tone is aggressive. What language does he use? The silent treatment and sulking are also very important. If his behaviour could be attributed to depression/MH issues then he’d have moments of realisation where he’d apologise and acknowledge what he’s doing and you’d be able to tell he genuinely wanted to change. I think people can change, but they have to out in a lot of work. If he lost it in front of the therapist and his own dad thinks he’s aggressive then I’m not sure he’s going to do what you need him to in order to stay together.

When was the last time he was the person you want him to be? What has happened since then that might have caused the change? When was the last time he behaved in a way that made you feel good about yourself? You deserve to be happy in any relationship. It’s not down to you to try and fix every problem because with some people there will always be a problem. You don’t think about him enough...you’re smothering him with too much attention...you need to support the family by working...you’re never there for the children...it’s raining...no he doesn’t want an umbrella...the list is endless! Some people are only happy when they’re making other people miserable and, unfortunately, I think a lot of men make their wives/partners miserable because they’re closest to them. They got into the relationship because of love and then destroy the very thing they wanted from you in the first place. If you act like an emotionally abusive pr*ck you have a cheek expecting your DW to want to be in the same room as you, nevermind finding you attractive.

If he doesn’t change significantly the power balance is always going to be off. You will always be worrying about what you need to do to make him happy. He will always demand new things and will keep you second guessing yourself. You will not be happy and your children will grow up with that as a template for relationships. It’s really easy for us to say “Leave”. You have feelings for him and want it to work. What you have to work out is if he is going to out in the effort needed to make it right. You can’t do this on your own and if he’s not going to step up then you have to decide where your line is and how much you can put up with. Good luck

OP, this man will never change. This is the real him.

Him being homeless. Not your problem. His choice. He could improve his situation, he chooses not to. Request a non-mol order. You need it. As for the kids. Supervised access only. He sounds dangerous and you need to press charges against him with the police. Coercive control and emotional abuse is against the law for a reason. You are not at fault here, he is. No direct contact with him, written communications only so you have a papertrail of everything.

Also: Have you seen a solicitor yet to get formal contact drawn up for him?

OP from your updates I sense an undercurrent that you are waiting to see a change in him, and that your default is to assume a chance will be forthcoming. I know that it's so so hard but please do be careful making this assumption.