Huge row and not sure what to do

[flipperlipper]

Over the past few months DH has been depressed and taking things out on me and to a lesser extent the kids. He's very up and down so ok one day, snappy the next, and crying the next. I'm really worried about him and want to help but it feels like I can't do or say anything right. At his worst there is lots of door slamming and talking to me in a way I find aggressive. I am hugely conflict avoidance and perhaps oversensitive but I often feel nervous when he's like this as I can't seem to do anything right. This evening I said the wrong thing (again) and he was snappy at me and I told him he's been treating me like crap which resulted in him telling me to get out of our bedroom.

I phoned my parents who live in England in tears and they phoned my in laws (which freaked me out as he has said in the past that if I ever bring them into our arguments he'd leave me). They turned up and I sat in car with them crying. They wanted to call the police but he's never laid a finger on me, just been verbally aggressive so I told them to leave it. I'm now sat in spare room just trying to figure next steps. I don't think I can carry on like this, not until he's sorted himself out, as it's an intimidating environment and I just never know what to expect so I dread coming home from work.

I really need practical help on what to do next. We are married and have a joint mortgage on a house; we put in equal deposit but I pay repayments and all the bills and have done for some time as he is self employed and work has been quiet for him for a year or more now. He looks after our 2 preschoolers part time since September while I'm at work. I suppose in an ideal world he'd move out, at least temporarily given that I'm paying for the house, but given his earnings I don't see where he'd go and I'm worried that as he the has kids in the afternoon legally he has more right to stay in the house? My parents have offered to come and stay to help with childcare if he does leave.

Also very anxious about the morning. What do I say / do? I'm scared of how he'll react if I ask him to leave. Do I need to get someone else to do our?

And I just feel so very sad. I love him and feel I've failed him and abandoned him if we split when he's so down but I can't carry on like this either.

abusive cocklodger or depressed man? I know which I think.

I wish you had spoken to the police. But for now please speak to Women's Aid.And I would suggest councelling for yourself too.

This isn't depression, this is abuse.

There are millions of people who have much more severe depression than this man. And you know what? The vast, vast majority blame themselves, not those around them. Putting this down to depression is an insult to everyone who is truly depressed.

Then there are abusive arses like this, who may be depressed, or maybe they are using it as pure cover to have all around them walking on eggshells and being controlled.

Well you've told his parents now, so hopefully he'll leave. But he won't, cos I bet he's a liar too. I agree with HeavenlyEyes - Women's Aid.

As to meds, as a PP says, yes they can take a while to work, but sometimes they will up the dose after a few weeks if it isn't showing some sign of helping. Or they will stop them early on if the person's side effects are very severe, but side effects usually wear off as the person keeps taking them.

And there are all sorts of things they can try. The person has to persist, keep doing as their doc suggests/prescribes, and keep going back and reporting any change, or lack thereof.

I wouldn't enjoy being around this man.

Did have a DP who was depressed and a bit of a twat /took it out on me after a bereavement, and he did eventually snap out of it and was ok again.

I did at one point have to have a talk about him taking me for granted and thinking he could treat me any which way and I'd still stay. I said 'I don't have to be with you. If you're crap, I won't bother.' He did improve after that.

We split up for other reasons.

This is awful OP.
I'm so sorry for what you are all going through.
I hope you had a good day out with the DC.
And I really hope he is receptive to your email and wants to discuss options with you.
Good luck.

Ah I just spotted that. Sounds like a good, assertive email. Well done. xxxxx

He sent a text earlier saying he'd read email and was sorry and was trying. But then I got home and he's just hanging out with his mate like nothings happened. I'm just keeping to myself, just want to be alone. Need sleep after only getting about 2 hours last night :(

I thought I was pretty clear on snail that relationship is on a knife edge. At the very least I thought he'd take himself away and give me some space so I'm disappointed

My dad has been reading up about emotional abuse and thought it sounded like DH down to a tee.

You should not be walking on eggshells around him nor should you be tempering your language to make him speak to you.

I agree with your Dad.

So he has text to say "sorry" but not taken you up on either of the two options you proposed. Instead invited a mate around to lark about.

He isn't depressed. Talk / text is cheap. He clearly isn't that concerned about your relationship. Or he just doesn't think how you feel matters that much.

I agree with your dad. The more you've said, the more he sounds emotionally abusive.

Agreed it's pretty shit and says a lot.

Please look at meredith miller "inner integration" on youtube. She explains the dynamics so well.

There are a lot of youtubers who explain abuse. Find somebody you connect with a listen to every damn clip she does. I say "she" because on this subject, the good ones are all 'she'

Shout to Ross Rosenberg though.

He doesn't sound to depressed to me,OP, if he can entertain a friend when his marriage is on a knife-edge. I think you should look for Freedom Programme near you.

Thanks so much bet and coy. Have downloaded a load of podcasts on emotional abuse so I can really drum into me that's what it is and will check out YouTube video / freedom programme too. I'm so angry right now and I don't want to lose that feeling and convince myself it's ok again

I've told him to move out. I was so scared but I did it.

His response to my email was basically to say it was my fault because all I do is work and look after kids (as if I have a choice) so we don't have a proper relationship

I said I felt scared of him and he said that's a normal part of relationships to have those conversations (ie be told off all the time). I said I can't do this any more, it's not normal and it's been part of our whole relationship and he said 'are you saying it's over' and I said yes.

Utterly devastated. Love him so much.

He's taking kids out now so at least I have time to think / cry alone.

I'm sorry things have gone this way and he was defensive / blamed you rather than looking at his own behaviour. Really until he does that nothing would change. Interesting that he didn't think it was anything to do with him.

Please remember this is not your fault. Also, it really isn't normal to be scared of a partner / have to walk on eggshells. I hope you have some local support in real life.

I just feel so alone. AlI wanted him do was say sorry and take some responsibility for making me unhappy but to just say 'so you want me to leave' and then be so cold while I'm sat here crying. I just can't process it. I wish kids were still here.

Thank you testing. I really thought he'd care enough to suggest we at least work on it / get counselling.

I'm so sorry❤️it shows the type of person that he is and until he can take any ownership for what he has done things will never get better. Think of this as a fresh start with you and your lovely children. Think of all the bad times you have had with him and write them all down, look at them when you miss him. It's easy to fantasise about the good times and what it could have been but the reality was he was horrible to you and you deserve so much better x

I'm sorry. He sounds really cold. You might get the person you love back once he's sorted out his depression. If he's not going to take responsibility, then you will be happier without him in the long run.

He's now reappeared with kids and older son from past relationship and is acting like nothings happened. Currently telling older son about the garage roof he needs to think. There I am thinking I've made a major step and he hasn't actually noticed

Fix not think

And now he's wandering about house but totally blanking me.

I wish I could offer you wise words, OP. But I do think a bit of counselling might help you
The freedom Programme costs next to nothing and it might be a good place to start

Is he refusing now to move out after you asked him to?. Looks like it (btw many abusive people refuse to leave the marital home so this is par for the course from him). The nice/nasty cycle also is a part of the abuse here that he metes out towards you all.

Womens Aid are certainly worth contacting in your particular circumstances.

Joint counselling with your H will do you no good at all as joint counselling with an abuser is never recommended.

I sent him a text while he was out saying there was still a chance for us if he could address his critical he is towards me. (I know, I'm weak, please don't judge me). But if not, I don't see how we carry on.

His response was to get home and immediately criticise where I'd put a bottle in the fridge (because I put it in the wrong place and previously a bottle has fallen out from there; he actually texted me a photo of it) then criticised my parenting (because kids often demand stuff like water, specific toy at bed time and I pander to it). You couldn't make it up. Now he's downstairs muttering about the wine bottle.

I texted again and said that as he's criticised me twice within 5 mins of entering the house, I take it that's his answer to my text.

I guess solicitor on Monday so I can find out my rights. So exhausted.