Huge row and not sure what to do

[flipperlipper]

Over the past few months DH has been depressed and taking things out on me and to a lesser extent the kids. He's very up and down so ok one day, snappy the next, and crying the next. I'm really worried about him and want to help but it feels like I can't do or say anything right. At his worst there is lots of door slamming and talking to me in a way I find aggressive. I am hugely conflict avoidance and perhaps oversensitive but I often feel nervous when he's like this as I can't seem to do anything right. This evening I said the wrong thing (again) and he was snappy at me and I told him he's been treating me like crap which resulted in him telling me to get out of our bedroom.

I phoned my parents who live in England in tears and they phoned my in laws (which freaked me out as he has said in the past that if I ever bring them into our arguments he'd leave me). They turned up and I sat in car with them crying. They wanted to call the police but he's never laid a finger on me, just been verbally aggressive so I told them to leave it. I'm now sat in spare room just trying to figure next steps. I don't think I can carry on like this, not until he's sorted himself out, as it's an intimidating environment and I just never know what to expect so I dread coming home from work.

I really need practical help on what to do next. We are married and have a joint mortgage on a house; we put in equal deposit but I pay repayments and all the bills and have done for some time as he is self employed and work has been quiet for him for a year or more now. He looks after our 2 preschoolers part time since September while I'm at work. I suppose in an ideal world he'd move out, at least temporarily given that I'm paying for the house, but given his earnings I don't see where he'd go and I'm worried that as he the has kids in the afternoon legally he has more right to stay in the house? My parents have offered to come and stay to help with childcare if he does leave.

Also very anxious about the morning. What do I say / do? I'm scared of how he'll react if I ask him to leave. Do I need to get someone else to do our?

And I just feel so very sad. I love him and feel I've failed him and abandoned him if we split when he's so down but I can't carry on like this either.

You haven't failed him! Please don't let yourself think that.

Living like this will have a terrible effect on your mental health - please don't put yourself or your dc through any more of this.

Him being "depressed" IS NOT an excuse for him being abusive. I would try to get him out and he can go stay with his parents. Get yourself a solicitor as soon as possible and serve him with divorce papers. You can NOT fix him.

You have not failed him. He is his own person and you are not in charge of how he is feeling at all. Go to a lawyer, seek advice from them on what to do financially and think about when you would want him to have the children write up a schedule maybe to suggest to him. I would ask him to leave and maybe have someone near by just in case he does lose it. Maybe just say you don't feel like it is working just now and you think he needs to get help, you need a break at least or just a separation rather than going straight to a divorce

Who diagnosed his depression?
Is he taking meds or doing therapy? Is he taling responsibility for his mental health?
Have you spoken to your gp about what is going on?

If he hasn't seen ho ask him to leave UK his oatr ts and to seek help
If he is getting help then you dont have to live with this 24/7
Ask him to leave for a few weeks at least

What has his doctor said? What therapy and meds is he taking?

Thank you so much for all of your kind words. Crying again now 😞 I suppose it seems normal to me but when you see it written down and read it as someone else might you realise how bad it sounds.

He doesn't have a positive thing to say about anyone right now and sees the worst in almost everyone so if I tell him to go- even temporarily- he'll think I'll let him down hugely when he's at his lowest and I'm not sure he'll ever forgive me. He still hates his mum for things she did decades ago.

I can cope with sad, it's just the snappiness and anger that come with it which have got too much for me. And clearly I'm not making him happy - he has a friend who is over a fair bit and he's ok around him, he seems to save all the annoyance for me. He's tried various medications but nothings helped yet and he's on waiting list for counselling.

'he has a friend who is over a fair bit and he's ok around him, he seems to save all the annoyance for me.'

Yes, this is what I've seen others say about emotional abuse- they are perfectly able to control themselves around other people.

'He's tried various medications but nothings helped yet'

He needs to keep trying- stay on one long enough for it to work or if it isn't working, keep going back so they can up the dose or change it. Eventually they'll find one that works.

'and he's on waiting list for counselling.'

Perhaps he could get private therapy in the meantime? I'm not earning- I've paid for it through my small PIP payyments. It's usually affordable if someone prioritizes it. In this case he should be making it top priority.

Embracelife and Haffiana- yes he's trying. He's on his 3rd medication but seems to have got awful side effects. Just started on current one and he says that's what's making him cry all the time.

I think from his perspective what happened earlier when we argued is that he was upset and crying and my first reaction was 'you need to go back to dr' which he felt was unsympathetic/ unsupportive as I guess I should have just comforted him.

He just had a look of such intense dislike for me on his face, which I seem to see increasingly often. I'm not sure he even knows he's doing it. But then he says that whenever he says anything lately I pull a face - so perhaps I'm just as bad as him. He's gone a bit spiritual and it's not really my thing so I find it hard to look like I truly get it but I'm trying, if it helps him. Obviously not trying hard enough though.

I'm trying to be balanced here but probably not being fair to him.

Interestedwoman yes you are right, he does need to stick at it but because it's not worked yet I think he's starting to feel it's not for him.

I could afford to pay for his counselling but it hadn't occurred to me to offer- not sure what that says about me (we keep our finances separate for various reasons, though I pay for all household bills and give him money to live off if he's short- generally what he earns is his day to day living money). If we don't split now I'll suggest that I pay for his counselling.

Hard to know what to suggest really. I think you'll have to talk to him, cards on the table. Tell him you are unhappy, and clearly he is unhappy as well. You can't carry on like this and you're thinking of leaving. If you leave, the mortgage won't get paid because you will need to pay rent elsewhere ,and obviously you'll need somewhere big enough for you and the DC.

Not suggesting that you should actually leave, but it might bring it home to him how serious this is.

Thanks singlenotsingle that's good advice - just dreading what tomorrow will bring but I need to brave for kids sake

You're not failing him! Get that OUT of your head now. He's the one who is taking his depression out on you. HE is failing YOU. NOT the other way around.

You must be under an enormous amount of stress upset and anxiety but you're not taking it out on him, slamming doors, verbally abusing him etc....

The fact that you are so upset about ''failing him'' indicates that he has successfully trained you to have a very heightened awareness of all of his needs and emotions. What about your own need to be treated with respect? Just a basic minimum level of respect here, ie, that he doesn't act in an aggressive way.

As for threatening to leave you, I suspect he'll hoover you back in if you try to leave.

'I could afford to pay for his counselling but it hadn't occurred to me to offer- not sure what that says about me'

Probably that on one level you're understandably pissed off at all the stuff you already pay for.

'If we don't split now I'll suggest that I pay for his counselling.'

If I were you I think I'd ask that he put in some of the money towards it. The reason being that if he's invested in it, he'll value it more, plus it shows willing- shows you that he's putting money towards doing something to sort himself out.

As to you responding to one of his moans by saying he should go back to the Dr.- I expect you're exasperated- this is no life, and just sitting on his arse pissing and moaning isn't going to help, so you said the right thing.

It seems like you're blaming yourself quite a lot :( You really needn't xxx

Thank you selkie

I need to keep reading your message and the others which says it's not my fault. I feel like I don't know what way is up any more. It all feels like it's my fault for saying things that annoy him, not being supportive enough etc.

I feel so embarrassed at being in this position- 40 years old and crying down phone to my parents 😞

Thank you interesting, I'm trying not to blame myself but when I see how much anger he has towards me I feel like I must have done stuff wrong. Otherwise it's hard to make sense of it all. But I'll keep re-reading those messages and remind myself I can't be responsible for his depression at least.

I think you are right about all of that. I think I have got fed up, not so much with paying for stuff but that for him work is optional, and he doesn't do much around house so I end up feeling I'm working full time, laundry, sorting kids out, stories baths etc while he generally suits himself, works on a work-related but unpaid hobby with a friend. He does usually cook to be fair and now look after kids PM though they are mainly napping during that time. I've put down lack of doing stuff to depression and I know it can be hard to do stuff when you feel that way.

Sweetheart, I wish with all of my heart that my 40 year old daughter had cried down the phone to me and her dad when her dick of a husband was being well, a dick, a few years ago.
Keep them in the loop.DD is fine now (dickless and new partner) but I still feel a bit sad that she didn't confide in us as she didn't want to upset us.
Best of luck Mx.

Thank you maras

That you are blaming yourself is classic of how a lot of people being abused feel of course. You think you did something to 'make' him treat you this way. You didn't, it's all on him.

I've been depressed. I've been suicidal. It didn't make me treat other people bad, that is a decision that he is making.

This is definitely nothing that you have done. You haven't done anything except try to be kind and understanding.

What is the longest he has taken any type of antidepressant that you know of.

Rantyanty he only started taking them in perhaps late July, before that for about 2 years he was I think quite low but when I suggested going to the doctor he said no. He only came around to the idea recently. But the fact that they have been so ineffective and actually made him feel worse (confused, more anxious, sweating etc, and he's just started on his 3rd type) has made him almost angry with the doctors. He's not given it very long yet, but I suppose the side effects have been so bad that he's not impressive by them at all.

So having been up much of the night thinking about it (and with the kids waking at 5am...!) I've now decided what my plan is for today. This may sound a bit weak but it's all I have the mental and emotional capacity for right now. I'm planning on taking my kids out for the day so he has time to think, and then I've written him an email which I'll send once I've gone.

I basically say I appreciate he's depressed but I've been trying to help as much as I can and it's not okay to talk to me the way he does lately. I gave some specific examples of how it it makes me feel (like he hates me, anxious, scared of him, and last night distraught / at breaking point). I gave 2 options (1) move out for at least a few days and then we decide what happens next or (2) we have a civil conversation about it as a first step which doesn't involve him behaving aggressively towards me. I pointed out the situation is clearly making us both very unhappy so we can't carry on like this. I know it's not quite like demanding a divorce, but is it at least a start? I've tried to use some of the language from the messages you've posted, so thank you very much for everything you've said, it really helped me through a very long dark night!

Sorry you're going through this. I think your plan is probably a good idea and will allow him to mull things over while you're out.

On the medication point, as previous posters have said, whilst I'm not a medical professional, in my experience with a family member (I hold power of attorney) Drs have tried various drugs re aggression / psychotic outbursts and we have always told we had to allow minimum 4 - 8 weeks to see effects (if any) before changing things.

Good luck, remember this isn't your fault.

It sounds like your parents and in laws could be a good support. I'd tell him how close you are to leaving, or suggest he takes a break at his parents for a while (assuming they will have him)