Some friendly words - part 2. It's over.

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

First of all I wanted to apologise to the lovely people who were so supportive on my original thread. I had it deleted because I had a weird 'outing' experience, but it doesn't matter now because this evening I had the phone call telling me it was definitely over.

I thought we had been making some progress trying to work things out, but no, it's done.

22 years destroyed in the space of a few months.

In his words, something just switched off. Which is nice.

I don't believe there is an OW, but I suspect there may well be shortly.

Moving away for a job, living in the village he grew up in which he had never wanted to leave originally, and where he now feels more at home than he has done in years. And yes, he did say that, although he did apologise when I pointed out that didn't make me feel super wonderful.

Too much time alone, too much time to dwell and gnaw at all the little things that weren't quite right, all the little niggles, and BOOM suddenly he's able to completely shut, bolt and nail the door up behind him,

And I am just broken. I know I am strong, I know I can get through this, but blimey, it is just, pain.

It seems such a dreadful waste. Ironically, if he hadn't got this job earlier in the year, we may well have been in Las Vegas now, celebrating 20 years of marriage, which is somewhere I'd always wanted to go, and we were going to splurge, irregardless of our not terribly healthy finances.

I just did not see this coming. I still believe our niggles, issues etc were eminently fixable. But fixing them needed someone who was present. And he evidently hasn't been for the past few months.

It seems to have happened very quickly in his head. There was a catalyst of moving within the village 2 months ago at which point it's like a light went out.

So we never had a chance really, he never said how he was feeling because there doesn't seem to have been a period of doubt, just love one day, nothing the next.

Have to work out how to tell the children (well, young adults).

As is so often the case, the one person I would turn to, talk to, the one person I could rely on to have my back, to make me feel better just by being there...is the very person who has broken me.

Of course I still love him. He's been my love, my person, my best friend for all this time, and to lose all of those is horrifying.

We 'got' each other so much, on so many levels just not having that is more than I feel I can bear. I feel like I'm bursting out of my skin.

When he first told me how he felt, and then when we were talking so I wasn't sure, but hoped there was a chance, I thought that limbo was bad, and actually knowing might feel better. It doesn't.

If anyone is there, please could you spare a moment.

I am very lucky, I have some wonderful friends, but at the moment I just can't go to bed and I feel, just, horrible.

Thank you

Here's something I don't get.

At various times I just get a big wave of sadness and hurt come over me. I understand that.

But other times it's like I am poking way at it like you do at a wobbly tooth, almost deliberately making myself feel awful. It's like I know I want to be strong, and move forward, but I'm sabotaging myself, going over what-ifs, wallowing in analysing everything, thinking over all the happy times.

Is this part of the denial phase? Almost if I poke at enough, it won't be real, or I'll magically transport back in time?

I know thinking of a future without him is scary and sad, but it is what it is so why is it so hard to hold on to the 'strong' feelings?

I know things will take time, but I don't know why I do it?

The counselling sounds good, and I like the practical tips. It seems to be normal to keep going back to the painful moments, and rehashing them. The wave of anxiety and the bad feeling in the stomach sweep over and I remember the dead eyed ‘I’m leaving you moment’. I’m trying to look at this as a way of making me stronger. I test the feelings and each time it hurts a tiny bit less. It’s building resilience for what’s to come. That might not work for you but it’s something to think about.

'If onlies' are natural. But they are also pointless. 'If only' he hadn't taken that job...but he could have walked out into the road and been hit by a bus and, yes, that would be differently painful but he'd still be gone. If you'd begged him not to take that job, he could have accused you of 'being controlling' and precipitated this a lot earlier (if he genuinely was already thinking of leaving).

You just don't know. It's the randomness of life. It's perfectly natural - I think it's part of the 'bargaining' bit of grieving and it shows you are gradually processing what has happened. You are still in shock though and you need to take care of yourself. Never mind him (easy for me to say I know), concentrate on the person you can do something about, you.

More sleep and good, proper food. And fresh air. I swear, when my DH left, it was having to walk a big dog for several hours a day that kept me sane.

That's a good way of looking at it Superb & Zaphod, that I'm poking at it as a way of 'testing' it or 'bargaining', hopefully getting stronger each time.

It ties in with something lovely counsellor (LC) said after I was talking about just wanting all the pain to go away. She said apart from the fact that obviously there is no magic wand to make it go away, you actually need it, to really process it and use it to build resilience and strength. Only by properly processing and dealing with it can you properly move on.

The thing is I know all the analysing is pointless, but do it anyway. So maybe that isn't being weak or pathetic, but rather necessary.

These are all good things to know and recognise, but blimey, doesn't make the process any easier, does it?

The constant rehashing of 'if only' and 'why?' is normal. I'm just over a year in and the first few weeks were full of this relentless going over dump day. What had happened? What had I missed? Who had stolen my lovely husband and who was this stranger in his body? It is shock and the mind trying to find meaning. There came a point when I figured that there was no sense to it all as my husband had left me out of his planning and processing. He was months ahead of me and had moved on. There was a very conscious decision not to give him any more headspace. Good friends, a good psychotherapist and lots of walking got me through the early months.

There is no getting over the fact that this is hard because it is grief. We need to be gentle with ourselves and take back control where we can. Work in progress here but you will get through this.

Thank you mostly. Are you in a better place with it now?

I am trying to hold on to the words of everyone who's saying things do get easier over time - still hard, but easier. I am trying to take comfort in that although I so hate that so many of us have had to, or are, dealing with it.

I am struggling a bit with friends - but I have reached a stage where I don't want to keep bending their ears going over it all. I don't want to impose on them. They are being wonderful, and not making me feel like that at all, but I feel it myself, I'm making myself cringe a bit - seems all rather drama llama-ish and ostentatious.

And of course, to be quite honest, the only person I really want to talk to is him.

Still.

I don't like this person I have become.

I am further down the road to healing than I was. It is a long, long road but there are days when the sun shines and I can appreciate how much stronger I am. On other days I'm still a wreck but that is OK. You can't fast forward grief.

I understand, mostly.

I set myself up with an email subscription to 'Runaway Husbands', and have had an email in that has left me with my jaw flopping open.

This part: "Many women feel that if they could only get their husbands to acknowledge the wrong they did, it would help them feel so much better. Instead, the men often not only say that they don’t owe you an apology but instead, they assert that they’re the ones who were wronged!"

This is almost word-for-word what happened to me Sunday evening!! There is something almost scary in how script-like this all is.

I went for a nice walk at lunchtime. It helped because I'm going to get through the full working day today, and have been reasonably productive.

Another part of the pain is that although I don't ever think I was smug, or superior, I did very much feel how lucky I was that I had such a 'special' marriage. And part of that sense of unreality is that how could this be happening to 'True Love's Dream', to that fairytale relationship? And that this is just something that will, eventually get resolved 'in the final act', like slaying the dragon I guess.

How old am I? 12? I don't even like fairy tales.

I'm assuming this is also a common feeling?

It's the different strands of pain that make it harder, isn't it? You're not just fighting the same thing each time - it's like a many-headed hydra.

Interestingly, I have 3 friends who have been in a similar-ish scenario ranging from many years ago to a couple of years ago.

One he left and never came back.
One he left, then came back a while later and was furious when she told him to sling his hook.
One he left, came back and after much discussion and effort, she took him back and they are happy. He's done a lot of work, and she is happier with him than without.

Means nothing I know.

It is a cliche but when relationships end so suddenly there is no explanation and therefore closure.

I never appreciated that previous relationships had ended with some level of closure as there was generally some acceptance by both parties that it wasn't right. What you and others experience is a sudden off the cliff ending with blame being heaped onto you. It is equalivant to emotional free falling.

Over time you never fully understand their reasons or actions but you do come to accept it. Ultimately these are weak and selfish men who are incapable of true love.

So true.

Techway, that is very true. My previous ltr had a difficult ending, but I did have closure, and yes, that did make a difference I think (as did being much younger!)

I don't even know if it's a lack of ability for 'true love', I think it's more an inability to face realities, such as mortality, lack of success, fragility of life, circumstances etc. In some cases, anyway.

And for these people it becomes easier to reinvent yourself, your life, your truth, rather than face unpleasant realities head on. And then of course there is collateral damage (ie: inconvenient wives who know the truths). And of course because they are 'nice people', they have to create a narrative that enables them to still be nice people. Which means they need a monster.

In some cases of course they are just arseholes through and through, and I guess you'll never know which is which, nor does it really matter to the position you find yourself in.

But I know with H I can think of a few occasions where he has rewritten history to fit how he sees himself. I even called him on it a couple of times, and he was most surprised as he genuinely thought he was right about it!

From a psychological point of view it is fascinating.

But at the same time I don't want to give arsing wankbadger too much headspace...

Really struggling today. Wave after wave. keep disappearing at work but really just want to curl up into a ball and sob.

Had lovely chat with another couple of fab friends last night. I am so lucky to have such a great bunch of friends. I felt quite positive last night, but today, whoosh.

I know this is all normal, but today I feel like I just can't deal with it at all. Poss because it was a week ago tonight.

I don't know.

OP I’ve been lurking and have followed your threads from the off. You sound such a lovely person and you write absolutely beautifully! I don’t have much to add to what the previous wise and lovely PPs have said, I just wanted to voice warm and friendly thoughts - and to assure you that you WILL come through this and you WILL be happy again 💐

Bunnies, we are struggling together today. These days will come, triggered by contact (a cold text from my husband yesterday evening apparently blaming me because he did not feel able to attend a social event at which I am to be present), and being one week down the line in your case. There’s no easy way through it, except grit and determination. Take care of yourself.

take care of yourself. Its two steps forward one step back. Today may be rubbish and sad but tomorrow is a new day. You are getting stronger, you will get through it and be amazing x

Thank you Tiger, that is very kind.

And user - to be honest it feels like 1 step forward, several miles back!

Superb, oh I am sorry you are struggling today as well. Please accept a hug of support and solidarity from me. I can only assume you are some kind of monster if your H is too timid to attend an event you are at??!! These fearsome women are just so troublesome. You are doing so amazingly, and I am trying to follow your lead. xx

My mind is playing a 'Greatest Hits' selection at the moment. So many times and memories just flooding through almost on a loop. Together with this thought that it is just not right that this has happened, almost as if it is against the natural order, and should probably be against the law as well!

I got a better night sleep last night, and felt quite calm, as I suddenly decided that it was inevitable he would come back to me, so all I really had to do was wait. There would be a lot of work to do to make everything all right, but we would get there because we are 'special'.

What the fuck?

Even as my mind was going there, another part of me knows it was crap, but it was very comforting crap.

The thing is I know I should be pushing through being strong and forging ahead with my new future but the fact is I don't want a new future, I want my old future, and just because I know I can't have it, I still want it.

And now today I can hardly stop myself crying at work, have had to go out and have a sob twice and I'm sure everyone thinks I am being really weird. Nice boss/friend not in today.

Ah well, only 2 hours to go until I can leave.

Found it very cathartic to have a massive sob in the car so by the time I'm home am much calmer, so hopefully can do the same tonight.

It's all still so new for you. Hugs.

I think you are still in the bargaining stage. I remember sitting here in my living room about a week after my ex had left and hearing a car pull up outside. I was so convinced that it was him coming back, full of apologies. CONVINCED. When it was a neighbour just turning his car around in my drive, it broke me. I think that was the point I realised he wasn't coming back. It took me another six weeks to think that I wouldn't want him back now, too much time had passed for him to have done god knew what.

Sadly, there's nothing anyone can do to ease the pain. People try, but it really and truly is only a matter of time. Every day you get through, you are one day nearer feeling better.

Thank you, Zaphod. What you say about hearing the neighbour's car is so poignant, and exactly the kind of thing I keep doing.

I was looking at my phone late last night so bewildered that I hadn't had the call I just KNEW would be coming. It just did not compute.

Just phoned to find out about taking him off car insurance. Just about managed to keep it together through the call, then blubbed. Guess that is the very definition on too soon.

And my lovely, lovely best friend has just texted that she wants to pay for a series of counselling sessions. She knows I am a bit strapped financially. As I said, am such a lucky person. Am welling up just typing it.

Can I just add to TigerDater - warm & friendly thoughts very much appreciated.

Hugs and support to all of you lovely people having a shit time. x

Bunnies, thanks for your kind and comforting words. A lot of the time I am a mess, but a couple of early evening glasses of wine with my neighbour have helped this evening along. I am out tomorrow evening. The weekends are the worst but I am trying to make plans and stay busy.

I am glad Superb that you had a nice evening (and wine), and have a busy evening tomorrow.

Had another cathartic (if somewhat scary in intensity) sob in the car home. Then a stressful evening as ds quite poorly and needed to get him to o-o-h doctor. But all is ok, which is good.

Am going to think of something to do at the weekend. I have decided not to progress any packing away/bill sorting for a bit as it is simply too soon, and it can wait. Am going to CAB tomorrow with a view to seeing a solicitor to look over a few things, just for my information, not necessarily 'doing' anything yet. I really just need to give myself some time.

I have made myself smile this evening, thinking about the conversation I had with 2 friends last night, who are planning all sorts of wine-fuelled fun for us to have together. These are my long-ago ex, and his husband (hence how closure over the end of the relationship was much easier!). Over the years they have become family, and are so lovely and funny I can't help but laugh.

I have just re-read over this thread, and can I just say a very heartfelt thankyou again to all who have posted. I really am taking note of your words, both in practical terms, but also really drawing comfort from your support and kindness, which is phenomenal. And I do want to send my love and support to all of you too - there is certainly comfort in the solidarity of such an awesome bunch!

Here’s hoping you have a good night’s sleep again OP. You’re doing the right thing by holding off from packing things up - that can wait. Just do the things that are cathartic/make you feel better. I started by removing all ugly ornaments/stupid books that I had only tolerated because XH liked them, then moved on to splashing out on new bedding.

Thanks, Tiger. Have just found myself dozing over laptop, so am off to bed.

A couple of people have mentioned bedding. I quite like the idea of that. It is a sodding big bed though, so quite expensive.

May be that will be my weekend plan...

Gah...!!!

He called this morning to check up on ds. All fine.

Then started talking about Christmas plans, which I'd asked him about previously.

He was talking so, so reasonably, and stressed the fact he wanted us to be friends - a couple of times.

I was very good and didn't get drawn into any conversation, just grunted in response. I mean I was civil, just did not respond to the friend comments.

I couldn't help feeling that this was someone thinking "look how kind and considerate I am being towards someone who who has caused me such pain".

Which ties in with something he said last week, which was "I don't think you're a 'horrible' person". The subtext of which seemed to be that I wasn't horrible, just pretty bad.

And he seems vaguely surprised that I am not welcoming my new friend with open arms!!

I so want to hate him, I so want to be at that stage of moving on. But all I could think was, "He's never coming back, is he?"

You don't 'have to be friends'. I've co parented (well, no, he disappeared for several years, never paid, only saw the kids in the summer holidays, etc etc) with my kids' dad for over twenty years now and we've NEVER been friends. Civility is good enough, you don't have to be popping in for coffee and helping decorate one another's homes.

He wants to be friends because it makes him feel better. You can't possibly be suffering at his leaving if you want to stay friends (he can't understand the fact that you might be hanging on to 'friends' rather than letting him go completely). And staying friends prolongs the agony.

It's like he's throwing you crumbs of comfort, like when he told you you weren't a horrible person. How dare he! How dare you think that you've assumed that he was leaving because you were horrible! No, he left because he was horrible!

I want to come round and shout in his face for you. Or punch him on the nose. No, I'm non violent, so I'll just shut him in a room with my overbred and highly strung terrier - he'll never want a 'possible' lady friend again...

Bunnies, he is seeking to make sure he gets what he wants. The best way to do this from his perspective is to ‘keep you on side’. Effectively exploiting your emotions by saying he ‘wants to be friends’ to keep you playing his game. It is very manipulative behaviour and common in this situation. The little comments and digs are intended to undermine the wife’s confidence and to make the husband feel better about himself. As you say, look how understanding, how caring he is being. He is being caring, but to himself not to you. We will move on, but it takes time and determination.