Some friendly words - part 2. It's over.

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

First of all I wanted to apologise to the lovely people who were so supportive on my original thread. I had it deleted because I had a weird 'outing' experience, but it doesn't matter now because this evening I had the phone call telling me it was definitely over.

I thought we had been making some progress trying to work things out, but no, it's done.

22 years destroyed in the space of a few months.

In his words, something just switched off. Which is nice.

I don't believe there is an OW, but I suspect there may well be shortly.

Moving away for a job, living in the village he grew up in which he had never wanted to leave originally, and where he now feels more at home than he has done in years. And yes, he did say that, although he did apologise when I pointed out that didn't make me feel super wonderful.

Too much time alone, too much time to dwell and gnaw at all the little things that weren't quite right, all the little niggles, and BOOM suddenly he's able to completely shut, bolt and nail the door up behind him,

And I am just broken. I know I am strong, I know I can get through this, but blimey, it is just, pain.

It seems such a dreadful waste. Ironically, if he hadn't got this job earlier in the year, we may well have been in Las Vegas now, celebrating 20 years of marriage, which is somewhere I'd always wanted to go, and we were going to splurge, irregardless of our not terribly healthy finances.

I just did not see this coming. I still believe our niggles, issues etc were eminently fixable. But fixing them needed someone who was present. And he evidently hasn't been for the past few months.

It seems to have happened very quickly in his head. There was a catalyst of moving within the village 2 months ago at which point it's like a light went out.

So we never had a chance really, he never said how he was feeling because there doesn't seem to have been a period of doubt, just love one day, nothing the next.

Have to work out how to tell the children (well, young adults).

As is so often the case, the one person I would turn to, talk to, the one person I could rely on to have my back, to make me feel better just by being there...is the very person who has broken me.

Of course I still love him. He's been my love, my person, my best friend for all this time, and to lose all of those is horrifying.

We 'got' each other so much, on so many levels just not having that is more than I feel I can bear. I feel like I'm bursting out of my skin.

When he first told me how he felt, and then when we were talking so I wasn't sure, but hoped there was a chance, I thought that limbo was bad, and actually knowing might feel better. It doesn't.

If anyone is there, please could you spare a moment.

I am very lucky, I have some wonderful friends, but at the moment I just can't go to bed and I feel, just, horrible.

Thank you

Thank you Zaphod, much appreciated, although sorry you had to go through it.

Well, dc told. Took it pretty well and accepting. They knew things had been a bit odd, and him not having been here for so long definitely made things easier. So that's a weight off.

Yes, the idea of ever trusting anyone again in that way is just, no. I;d thought that after my last break up, but bastard was persistent.

They are older though, late teens, so already planning their lives, so that makes it easier too.

I am lucky in having the dc here with me. They are great young adults. And also lucky in having some great friends. And he is up there, alone.

So now I shall sit and just be for a little bit.

I know to take one day at a time, but I can't believe how much I hurt at the moment.

Mine refused to talk to counsellors or to me about his reasons. Wasn’t man enough to own his truth so hid behind his lies. He ran back to his mum and dad for a while too. An Italian friend has always called him a Grand Bambino, and he’s right. All we can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I've had some reasons, but they seem so...trivial. Nothing that in the normal scheme of things couldn't be worked through. I think the actual, physical distance made all the difference.

I asked him if he thought this would have happened if he hadn't gone and taken the job. He couldn't really answer. I think we always relied so much on each others' actual presence, the nuances of facial expressions, body language, just the minutiae of every day life.

Away from that, all bets were off.

It's odd really because he has had counselling in the past, and always spoke highly of it, but finances, or lack of, seem to be the main reason not to go that route now.

And in truth, I think that shutting off moment is very in keeping with how he can get when he's depressed and too much in his own head, so don't think it would have made any difference at this stage.

I still don't think he's in a healthy place emotionally or in his head. I don't think he's thinking clearly. I don't think he will have some moment of clarity and come back saying it was all a mistake, don't get me wrong. But nothing he says makes sense.

Ultimately though it doesn't matter, because it is what it is.

And I suspect he will find his way to some other company soon enough.

Fuck's sake, this seems all wrong. Both my parents died years ago, my mum very suddenly and in horrible circumstances.

But nothing has compared to this pain. It's stupid, no one's died, but I feel engulfed.

Just had a phone conversation with him. Largely because he wanted to know what I'd told the dc. I am cross with myself because I ended up saying more than I'd wanted to in general. He said a couple of things that sounded like he was turning some of the blame onto me again, and I wasn't having it so I told him.

Didn't cry, and there was no 'pick me dance' going on, but wish I had kept quiet.

I did ask about the woman he knew from before. He has seen her around. I said I imagined he would probably look to include her in his newly rediscovered home comforts, and he said 'possibly'.

Bit pointless really, as asking didn't make me feel any better at all, but at least I can say he is a giant, stinking wankbadger now.

My Godfather died some weeks ago, and I have been still processing that - H came to the funeral to support me, although I didn't know he was on the way out at that point.

And now I find out my lovely godmother is seriously ill.

Well, they say things come in threes.

I know I haven't always been the best person, but I don't know what I've done to merit this shitshow all in one go.

I need to channel my anger and determination, but it has escaped me for now and I am just a sobfest.

You are allowed to be sobfest. In fact, it's the best thing for you, release all that stress in tears.

And him 'possibly' including this woman in his plans? Oh, won't it be a laugh if he find out that she doesn't fancy him in the least any more and he's completely on his own out there?

Let yourself grieve. This is another kind of bereavement, and everyone will understand.

By the way. He's a tit.

Thank you Zaphod, 'tit' made me laugh.

I suspect possible future new/old woman will be amenable. From what he'd told me after he'd met up with her, she was keen to be friends.

For some reason I keep fixating on a really lovely day we had up there back at the beginning of June.The journey up had been shit, but we went for a drive, chatted nonstop, went for a walk on the beach, were silly, watched crap tv, good sex, snuggling.

We both agreed it was practically perfect, and a really good omen for our new life. I even felt for the first time a little at home there.

Then within a couple of months he's feeling unloved, doesn't think I can be bothered (apparently the fact a had several weekends away elsewhere, rather than up with him seems to have been a key factor in this, despite us talking about it before, and him being on favour of me maintaining friendships. Sees that 6 week period was the killer. Oh, and me focussing on work was a bad thing, while him focussing on work was a good thing. Amd me not forcing the issue when he was telling me not to come up was wrong,even though he was telling me how stressed he was and needed to focus, and never told me he was feeling unloved. And me not pushing was down to me worrying because I knew he was a bit fragile (depression) so wanted to give him the headspace he needed.

I really do regret not just travelling up. There are a couple of things I would have done differently if I'd had an inkling how he felt. But I thought I was doing the right thing, what he needed me to do.

And want to howl. I so want to switch off like he has, but I still love him. I still can't believe that not only does my lovely husband not exist any more, but neither does my life. It does not seem possible he won't be in it. That we won't laugh and chat and love and support any more.

Speaking with him today, I kept talking cos I still had a little hope that I would say the one thing that would make him realise what a huge mistake he was making. And horribly, I almost thought I had for one moment. But, nah.

If he did say it was all a big mistake, I am afraid I probably would take him back, at least initially, because this hurts so bloody much.

I am so, so pathetic, and sorry for anyone who's read this pile of self-absorption.

But I think it was good to get it out.

I will get there.

Sending friendly words as you are suffering, Bunnies. It’s ok to be self-absorbed, you are entitled. My father died in June. There seems to be a method in making the break when we most need support because we are vulnerable. A cynic would say that our ability to fight back is at its weakest. Mine did say that he ‘felt bad’ about the timing, so that’s ok then. You are obviously very strong and you are also human. Keep crying when you need to, cry on friends, try to laugh with your DC, get help from your GP, don’t be ashamed to reach out to people. Reaching out has been the best thing that I have done.

Oh Superb, I am so sorry about your father. What a shitty time.

Mine seemed quite pleased with himself that he'd come to support me at the funeral, as 'we always had each others' backs.'

I am not sure leaving a couple of days later because he didn't think it was working quite fits that idea.

Try not to beat yourself up. I turned myself inside out for ex and would of continued to do so if he asked. But it was all one sided. I could of never made him happy. He had had his head turn and you can't compete with new and exciting. It's good you have physical distance between you and the children are older. He can manage his relationship with them without you being involved.

Take as long as you need. Do whatever you need to do to get yourself through. Do go and talk to your gp. And also look into counselling. I found a local charity that did sessions for £10 an hour. This gave me a safe place to talk it all through. You need to work through your thoughts and emotions. Try to reduce your communication with him moving forward he isn't going to give you any answers. And it is only now nearly two years in i can say I wouldn't take my ex back. I still cry for the loss. My children are still young and he will be part of my life for a while yet. I wish I didn't have to have anything to do with him. But of course need to do the right thing by the children.

Just take it day by day.

Thank you unicorns. I do have a counsellor booked for Monday. Ironically, booked because I was urging him to go and see someone and I wanted to do my bit to work through my issues/depression to be in the best place to work things out. So different slant now, but it will doubtless be useful. Private, so don't think I can go too long, but I will look into local charities and see if they have anything here.

The physical pain is unbearable.

I've had a couple of good talks with fab friends. I've been telling them bits and pieces that he raised in a recent conversation about my 'failings' over the years, or things that 'proved' things hadn't been right for a while, and as I heard myself it all just sounded so stupid. This was one self-absorbed, selfish arse for a looong time.

He now seems to be back on being alone and having so much time to dwell caused the switch to click off, rather than me being a terrible person.

But ultimately it doesn't matter. He is a whole different person. not my lovely husband. But what he describes as how he is going to move on, the building a local social life etc etc is so not what he's ever wanted, and despite being so glad to be 'home', it's what he moved away from in the first place. I just can't see it satisfying him ultimately.

I can't lie, I do feel sad for him. I do think he's depressed, I do think he is in an unhealthy mindset, but, well, that isn't my problem any more.

God knows what will happen if he loses this job. But ditto, not my problem.

I must look at getting him taken off the tenancy here.

One day at a time.

You're right, things are easier because of the physical distance, and because the kids are young adults. I don't need to be in contact much. I'm sorry it is still hard for you.

Which in itself slays me as we were in touch all the time. That's going to be hard to break.

My son said it's not just our marriage he's destroyed, it's our family too. We had a lovely little family unit.

I’m so sorry OP. It seems very common in the 20 to 28 years married period. In my case my H did something stupid and disloyal many years ago (huge infatuation that he wrote about for a young woman over quite a period) which I found out about 3 years ago, caused me to snoop more and discovered a cracking and frequent hard core porn habit— I have tried to feel the same and stayed, but realise I won’t ever feel the same which is sad for me but sad for him too, I don’t hate him, but hate his behaviour and manners towards me. I know everyone thinks we are the perfect couple. I feel for you.

It is a difficult adjustment to make. I remember sending my last good night. Text Knowing I couldn't do that anymore. It broke my heart.

I wrote a fair few draft e mails that never got sent. and kept some notes. Looking back they were utter crap. And I am so very glad they never got sent. But helped me to unload. I still do this from time to time.

The pain is something else. I have never felt anything like it. Like you although things were difficult I thought we would sort it. That his loyalty to me was stronger. It wasn't. And as you said. He isn't the person you knew.

I have very little to do with ex now. He has behaved very badly toward me and the children. So no longer communicate above agreeing times to pick up/drop the children. He has told too many lies. So I don't converse at all I no longer believe a Word he says. It is better for my well being this way. And that along with the children is my priority.

It has take me some time but I know there are better things out there for me. And you. When you are ready.

Thank you user. I'm sorry for what happened to you. So are you still together?

What you describe is one of the things I find so hard. On the one hand, if he called me now and said it was all a terrible mistake, I would take him back, weak though that would make him. I still love him, or who he was, or who I thought he was.

But I know that it would never be the same. Not just the difficulty in maintaining any trust, but that I would view him so differently.

'My person', the person I knew and love(d), wouldn't have done this. I don't know this new person.

So I don't think there's realistically any way back even if I did get the option. Which I don't think I will anyway.

And I certainly wouldn't now be looking to move up to where he is next year. I would be too wary and insecure.

So marriage would be fucked even then.

I'm sorry unicorn, that sounds hard, and his behaviour to you and your children so bad.

It is so unfathomable where the person you know disappears to, replaced by someone you don't recognise.

I'm glad you have managed to make some peace with it.

Have resisted the urge to send a couple of texts. About ds, but I know it's just an excuse so am not doing it.

Hardest thing.

Having a small moment of clarity this morning, which is helping me my 'game face' on.

Had a long talk with fab friend last night. I was telling her a few things he'd said were issues in the marriage - my issues, naturally.

Her response of "WTF" made me think about them, and him, differently, and have a tiny glimmer, of, "actually, that isn't right."

A small thing, but it's made me feel a bit stronger today, and better able to face work. So that has to be a good thing.

I don't want to end up monstering him altogether, as I don't want to taint my many good memories, but at least I can see some adjustment is necessary.

In practical terms I am going to investigate having him taken off our joint tenancy here asap.

Thank you all again for your taking the time to respond - the support and advice is invaluable.

Hope today is a better day. One step at a time.

Talking and talking was what helped me most SmallBoxes. I found myself doing the same as you - talking over events that I'd excused or brushed over at the time and then thinking 'hang on a minute, how DARE he behave like that!' I'd excused his lack of sociability and 'understood' his need for solitude, and it was when I was describing to a friend how, during a family party, he'd taken himself off upstairs and fallen asleep, leaving me to entertain HIS FAMILY in our house, that I first thought how out of order he had been.

Keep talking. It helps to let it all out. And good friends shouldn't mind listening to the same stories over and over, if it helps you come to a conclusion.

It is perfectly natural to analyse and overthink everything that has gone before ! It is also perfectly natural to think that - you are the worst person in the world ever ( this is what they do) , that he is having a breakdown or is depressed , that he isn't thinking clearly etc etc . Nothing you are saying is unique so take comfort from that . Many of us here are reading your posts and know exactly what you are going through because we have been there . It is physically painful and it will ease but it is hard work . Write it down here or talk it out and yes someone will say WTF because these are the ridiculous things they say - they have to demonise the past . It is their way to feel less guilty . Good luck !

Thank you unicorns, Zaphod and Penguin.

I do take some comfort from the fact my situation is far from unique, while at the same time thinking in some stupid part of my brain "Nooo, we were special."

My 'Game Face' lasted a goodly part of the day but I've ended up coming home early. I talked a good talk this morning, but I'm a bit of a puddle now. I actually feel that everything inside me is too big for my body and any minute I will burst. Odd feeling.

DD had made me a hot, sweet tea, and laid out cushions and blanket for me, as well as her old comfort toy. It's not too selfish to take support from her is it? I don't mean blub all over her, but not try and hide completely how I'm feeling? I am trying to be normal mum as much as possible, but she really touched me with her thoughtfulness.

Of course the first thing I wanted to do was text H to tell him how wonderful our daughter was...

I just wish I could switch off as he has done. I have all the WTF thoughts in my head, I know the likelihood is there is, if not an OW, then a soon-to-be OW, I know that some of the timings are more than a little coincidental, and I know that even if he did come back saying he'd made a terrible mistake, the reality is I could not move up to be with him after this, because I don't think I would ever feel the trust and security I would need. I would always be wondering if it might happen again, and far worse if I uprooted myself in this way.

But at the same time I still just want to wake up, I still want my lovely person back, I still think of him as my lovely person, and I would still take him back like a shot if he did come back.

Well, that's how I feel, anyway.

I feel so pathetic. I want to feel strong and determined like I did this morning. I don't want to be this blubbering mess.

He does not deserve these feelings as he has made it quite apparent he can discard me without a backward glance. But how can that person that I love(d) and trusted be, this horrible, cruel man?

I know the obvious answer is that he always was. And I can see correlations between his past behaviour (including his previous breakups) and what he's doing now. But so much was so good. I don't believe it was all an act. Is it just that the potential for being an arsing wankbadger was always there, ready for when needed?

There are things I can look back on and think WTF, plus times at my lowest I did wonder if this was what I wanted, and I always thought at those times that things would get better once a, b, or c was in place. Because of how we were with each other generally, I did not consider leaving myself, because our foundation was so solid. And in the spirit of "for better for worse", rough with the smooth kind of thing.

But now I am questioning that. Did I stay at certain points purely out of fear of being alone?

I hate that he is making me question everything.

I don't know if that makes sense.

I know it will take time, and a lot of it. I was trying to remember what I'd done when previous relationship ended, quite badly. I know I was devastated, but I know I wasn't like this. Age and more invested I guess.

If anyone has any general tips on just getting through each day, I would be very grateful.

Thank you if you got through this braindump!

The self-doubt and questioning thing is one of the nastiest parts of a breakup for me, when you suddenly wonder if you've been a mug the whole time.

Don't know if you'll find this useful, but when my last relationship ended and I asked him if he'd ever really loved me, he said "If I said it then I meant it". (yes I know, he was an absolute arse even then).

I've found that helpful to hold onto when I struggle with those questioning times - just because he is an arse NOW doesn't invalidate all the previous good times you've had. You believed your own eyes and feelings and what you were told and shown, and theres nothing wrong with that. Maybe there were signs to see and maybe there were'nt.
Just because he's turned into someone you never expected doesn't mean that he'd always secretly been that person all the time. Try and take the good times as they were then and seperate them from this person you're now presented with if you can - draw a line between "man I loved" and "man I now see before me" and don't let him take your past as well as the future you thought you had lined up.

Thank you Storm, that's a useful way of looking at it.

So sorry bunnies that you are going through this.

I hope you don't mind me saying but I feel that you're being quite hard on yourself, you really are allowed to fall apart for a while you know....and for what it's worth I do think you're coping amazingly well. But there is no shame in not being able to keep your game face on, you are mourning your relationship and family as you knew it and it's such early days for you.

I have no doubt you will emerge from this stronger and that happiness is in your future, you sound so lovely and level headed with great self awareness.

But for now lean on those around you, be kind to yourself and give yourself time. There is no pressure for you to hold it all in and be superwoman. Your dd sounds absolutely lovely, what a caring thing to do for you

I also really like storms post about separating the memories from then and now. Sadly I think your suspicions re his head turning elsewhere will prove to be correct, but that doesn't negate the past you shared with him. It feels tainted now and he is typically trying to re-write the past but you know the truth

That is so kind, dappled, thank you.

Today is now the first day with no contact for as long as I can remember, either because we were with each other, or text, or phone.

Ever since he went up there we have called, texted several times each day. And that has crushed me.

It seems to be the little things that are particularly wrenching - we would always share little bits of news, silly things, comments on tv etc. We were always each other's first person to share everything with, however small.

And not having that now makes me feel so empty. I'm not anyone's favourite person any more.

I'm fairly sure you are still your kids favourite person.

I leaned on my near-adult kids when my DH (not their father) left. They were BRILLIANT, picked me up and looked after me and their relief was palpable when I started to put myself back together again.

The feeling that you had this morning, of being powerful and in control - that feeling will start to last longer and longer. At the moment you are still in shock, still comparing and remembering. One day that will fade, and stop and you will still be standing. It doesn't feel like it, but I promise that day will come.

I have been following your threads from the beginning as your situation is not too dissimilar to mine in many respects and also very recent. I totally get where you are coming from and sadness comes across very strongly in your recent posts. This is very normal and means you will be ready to move on to being more accepting of the situation once the sadness stage passes. It’s horrible though..
I feel your pain, I really do because I still ache myself too and will do for a long time, grieving the past and the future that will now never be, asking myself what I did wrong, overanalysing.. I also thought we were to be forever, able to sort out any temporary difficulties, growing old together, just meant for each other...
I have a 3 year old son as well and this is in some ways easier as I am busy looking after him with little headspace or I am at work (full on part time job).
What really helped me was to separate out how I felt in the relationship putting to one side any impact on children, the inconvenience of separation, the difficulties of financial division etc just looking at my feelings in our marriage as if nothing else existed. What I realised was that I actually have not been fully happy in our marriage and the pain I am feeling is more because our child will invariably be impacted on, it will cause upset to our ageing parents, there will be a painful process to go through, a sensation of failure.
As to how to get though each day, it is tricky and some days are better than others. The hardest part for me is visiting the places we both used to go to / love. It is almost as if I cannot go there anymore but that includes almost everywhere within 10 miles of home and beyond so I just need to face this. Doing something that is not related to him usually helps me when I have spare time, changing how I go about things in general even simple stuff like cooking and cleaning just making your own traditions so to speak. That is easier said than done and I know it hurts. Wishing you strength and you are not alone.