Some friendly words - part 2. It's over.

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

First of all I wanted to apologise to the lovely people who were so supportive on my original thread. I had it deleted because I had a weird 'outing' experience, but it doesn't matter now because this evening I had the phone call telling me it was definitely over.

I thought we had been making some progress trying to work things out, but no, it's done.

22 years destroyed in the space of a few months.

In his words, something just switched off. Which is nice.

I don't believe there is an OW, but I suspect there may well be shortly.

Moving away for a job, living in the village he grew up in which he had never wanted to leave originally, and where he now feels more at home than he has done in years. And yes, he did say that, although he did apologise when I pointed out that didn't make me feel super wonderful.

Too much time alone, too much time to dwell and gnaw at all the little things that weren't quite right, all the little niggles, and BOOM suddenly he's able to completely shut, bolt and nail the door up behind him,

And I am just broken. I know I am strong, I know I can get through this, but blimey, it is just, pain.

It seems such a dreadful waste. Ironically, if he hadn't got this job earlier in the year, we may well have been in Las Vegas now, celebrating 20 years of marriage, which is somewhere I'd always wanted to go, and we were going to splurge, irregardless of our not terribly healthy finances.

I just did not see this coming. I still believe our niggles, issues etc were eminently fixable. But fixing them needed someone who was present. And he evidently hasn't been for the past few months.

It seems to have happened very quickly in his head. There was a catalyst of moving within the village 2 months ago at which point it's like a light went out.

So we never had a chance really, he never said how he was feeling because there doesn't seem to have been a period of doubt, just love one day, nothing the next.

Have to work out how to tell the children (well, young adults).

As is so often the case, the one person I would turn to, talk to, the one person I could rely on to have my back, to make me feel better just by being there...is the very person who has broken me.

Of course I still love him. He's been my love, my person, my best friend for all this time, and to lose all of those is horrifying.

We 'got' each other so much, on so many levels just not having that is more than I feel I can bear. I feel like I'm bursting out of my skin.

When he first told me how he felt, and then when we were talking so I wasn't sure, but hoped there was a chance, I thought that limbo was bad, and actually knowing might feel better. It doesn't.

If anyone is there, please could you spare a moment.

I am very lucky, I have some wonderful friends, but at the moment I just can't go to bed and I feel, just, horrible.

Thank you

Sorry, long one again...

Thanks, Zaphod, for the words and the terrier-damage image!

It's just that reasonable tone of voice, and the 'concessions' he seems to be making in knowing that I am not a vindictive person and won't sabotage his relationship with the dc. And he's right, I am not vindictive, and won't do that, but his tone of voice is almost hypnotic - "I am so reasonable, I am so reasonable". Like, am I supposed to be grateful he trusts me not to damage the dc? Grateful that he doesn't want to make things awkward for me?

You're right in what you say, and you too, Superb. It is all helping him maintain this image of himself in his head.

We will move, on, you are right, Superb. And I think we will have a better future because it is based on honesty.

Going back to that expression “he has his truth; you have your truth and the actual truth is somewhere in the middle”. And yes, there will be things where my view on them is different from his, I think that’s inevitable in any relationship. Are there niggles I can see looking back? Yes, of course. Do I know there are times when I have been thoughtless, or selfish? Yes of course.

I don’t believe these big ol’ compromises have been an issue for him for any length of time. He was always well able to let me know if things were bothering him, so I don’t buy it. They are just things he has selected to fit his new truth. Hell, I could do that. I could just pick out a bunch of negatives from over 20 years. I think it would be bizarre if I couldn’t!

The difference is that whole emotional intelligence thing, isn’t it? I could have a moan to myself but then look at the picture as a whole. And the whole picture was good. Far, far more things in the ‘pro’ column than the ‘con’. And despite my prodding, he has only come up with 3 issues where I ‘dragged him down’.

And I didn’t ‘put up with things’ because I’m a martyr, or super passive. I let them ride because I thought they were largely down to circumstance; they weren’t that serious, and I had faith in our ‘base’.

But I know as absolute truth that:

1. He never at any time raised these issues as being marriage-threatening
2. One of the main issues he raised last week (one of his many ‘compromises’) is categorically untrue
3. One is just, frankly bizarre
4. We were still, right up until the last couple of months, talking about our future, our delight with ‘our team’ and how fab we were

And the thing is, he knows these are true also. He may not admit it, he may not even be aware of it, but it will be there somewhere.

My point being that I can and will move on with a pretty clear conscience. He has to, as someone said upthread, ‘carry himself around’. It might not come back to haunt him, but it might. And that’s on him.

OP, as hard and counter-instinctive as it is so early on, perhaps it’s best not to have further conversations with him. Communicate about DC via text only would be my advice. Don’t pick up if he calls. Then you can’t hear the so-called reasonableness in his voice - and he can’t tell when he’s got to you.

I know you are probably right, Tiger.

And I know, despite my talk of honesty earlier, I am being dishonest with myself. I want to hear his voice regardless. I want him to be so overcome by my strength etc that he will realise the error of his ways. Or that I WILL somehow utter that magic word that will reset his brain.

I know you are right. I know you are all right. But I am doing it anyway.

And I know that is part of 'our' script, isn't it? So I'll keep doing it because I need to/have to and just keep on putting one foot in front of the other.

God, all of you have have been here, or are here you are amazing. I'm sure if the shoe was on the other foot, these men would not be dealing in the same way.

It really is just keeping on keeping on. Yes, you want to hear his voice, you want to hear him suddenly break down in tears and admit that he's in the wrong, he's been stupid and you are the only one for him and he'll do anything, ANYTHING, if you will just overlook this and take him back.

I hate to say it, but it won't happen. But that reality hurts so much you're still only looking at it out of the corner of your eye. God, I know how that feels. After nearly nine years I still half expect a phone call saying 'I want to come home now.' (only I've changed my phone number and moved house and all that, so I absolutely know that won't happen, but still doesn't stop me thinking it!).

You will get there, SmallBunnies. You will.

That’s very true, men are generally not well-supported and just continue in the fog of their self-delusion and self-righteousness until the wheels come off completely.

Case in point: my XH has now alienated everyone - including his frankly very nice gf - having not reflected properly on what happened between us, to the point he is becoming homeless. A (horrible) part of me is pleased, but I’m also very sorry for my DC, whose sofas he will be surfing. And I’m also annoyed that all the years of love and support I invested in him have just effectively been pissed up the wall.

Hah, Zaphod, that sense of looking at things just out of the corner of my eye because I can't face it full-on, is spot on! Bloody hell though, 9 years. What is this power that these wankbadgers have?

I know you're right. (But of course, sometimes they do come back, don't they? Says my tiny stupid voice).

That is so sad to hear about your XH, Tiger. Sad for your dc, and sad for just the waste.

I am actually about the leave work early in a bit and do some from home. Just feeling flattened, and actually a little concerned I'm just going to lose it.

I am thinking of going to GP to ask about antidepressants. But I am about to start HRT, and when I discussed anti-d's with her before, she said to wait until HRT sorted.

I think because of the other things that are going on, I'm finding it even harder, not that it would have been easy anyway. But pole-axed.

I’ve no experience of HRT or anti-Ds Bunnies, but given the shock you are experiencing I’m sure a trip to the GP would be a good idea. I’ve found St Johns Wort very helpful at times of stress, though it’s strong stuff for a herbal remedy and reacts with certain medications. Again, the GP could advise.

After a certain amount of time had elapsed, my GP prescribed Tinder! I’m very grateful for that actually. She’s on there too so we swap notes 😂

Bunnies you are doing so well for being a few weeks into this.

As others have said he want to be friends so he can walk away guilt free. And can show everyone how reasonable he is.

When my ex left he said it would be good if we could go for a drink together sometime. And he would always be there for me, I was his best friend. He just didn't love me that way anymore. And like you I looked at what we had as more good than bad. And I accepted that love is a fluid thing. But he weighed it up that the commitment. And loyalty etc that we had wasn't enough. And the exciting of ow was more fun.

In time it became easier to be at ease with him. And i managed to be ok around him. Only for him to stop child support. Borrow money from me tell lies and let the kids down. I am now contact through text only. It's shit for the children. But he has brought this upon himself. I need the space. And I'm sure in time I will be less angry at how he has behaved.

I find communicating through e mail and text takes the control from them and the emotion out of it. It might work for you for the time being.

I echo pp about seeing gp. It doesn't change the situation but it enables you to cope with it when your emotions are less up and Down. I stopped my anti d's at the beginning of this year. Maybe not the right thing to do but it was all less raw. But I wouldn't of got through last year without them.

Hope you have something to look forward to this weekend And keep leaning on your friends they really don't mind or see you as a burden.

I echo what Unicorns said. I am 2 months in. I arranged counselling and have been seeing my gp weekly since the first week. I hate the fact that I have been ‘medicalised’ as a result of his behaviour. However it is essential to look at what helps you get through this. I have anti-ds but have taken only 1 so far. That may change. My problem is that my husband views me as ‘mentally unstable’ and I feel that I am buying into that myth by getting help. I show my emotions unlike my seriously emotionally repressed STBX and his family and any expression of challenge was viewed as difficult behaviour. If only I had just been a good little girl throughout!

Tiger, I haven't actually started the HRT tablets yet, so might make an appointment with GP tomorrow.

Unicorns, it's a few weeks since he first raised the 'not working' issue, but then we had a couple of weeks of what I thought was trying to make it work. So it's actually only a week from actual bomb drop.

How awful that you were being civil, and then he behaved even worse. I am sorry that happened. I can see email/text being the way forward.

Bloody hell, Superb, mentally unstable? That's shocking, and I certainly don't think it is you who's shown instability.

Did you both find anti-d's were helpful? I am really struggling at the moment, actually worse than first few days. All the different thoughts are just banging away in my head, from still wishing he'd come back, to hating him, to actually wishing I could just go to sleep and not wake up. Basket case doesn't begin to cover it. Something that might just damp down some of this rawness would be very good.

I actually can't stop shaking at the moment, and am freezing cold. Going to cook tea.

I hate that one person has such power over my emotions.

I think there is a bunch of stuff, not marriage related, over the years that neither of us have really processed. From bereavements, ds mental health issues, stressful relocation and literal financial ruin. And I have had another recent bereavement, in unpleasant circumstances, with another sadly on the horizon.

What has kept me going has been the solid base of my marriage, of my H. Now that is gone, everything else is just swirling around as well, and I feel untethered.

I need to be here, to be present for my lovely dd & ds, but I actually feel something has broken. GP definitely a priority I think.

It's weird, because despite all the shit that's happened over the years, I've always felt like I had somewhat of a charmed life. Lovely people in it, occasions when something's happened at just the right time. And now I'm wondering what the hell?

So much shit, and we've weathered stuff that would have broken other relationships. So why this, why now?

I don't believe in destiny, but I feel very weird that of all the jobs H applied for, any of which could have taken him (and me) anywhere in the country, that it had to be this particular place at this particular time.

And now I'm here, somewhere we always felt was temporary, that is so tainted by some of the past things, somewhere I have been practically counting off the days to leave, and what now?

I know this is self-pitying, I know I have amazing friends/family including at work. And I know so many people are in a far, far worse position than me. But I am totally lost.

Sorry.

This will be one those 'down' times, when everything seems and feels wrong and all you want is your old life back again. It always seems to strike when it's dark and cold and you're cooped up.

But the sun will shine again. One day you will find yourself outside, taking deep breaths and feeling happy. But this is such a shit time of year all round, it's a time for closing the door and cosying up, and when you've lost the person you'd be cosying up with, the gap just feels even bigger.

It's so hard for the one left behind. The leaver gets to go off and set up with all new things in their new life in a new place, whereas the left has to face living with all the reminders. I redecorated my bedroom and bought new bedding, then redecorated downstairs to make the space 'mine' and use my favourite colours. I bought things that I knew he would have hated, ate food that I wanted, rather than stuff he liked...and one day it will all feel more natural.

It is so breath takingly hard to deal with. You feel broken inside but you look so normal and you just want people to know how shattered you are inside.

I've already said it has taken Me two years to get to this point that I can say to people. Yes I'm actually ok.

I had a cry today over a Phil Collins song on the radio. But also tonight had a fleeting moment that my life was good. I have had a productive week at work. The kids and I are back into school routine And we have plans this weekend.

I still haven't adjusted to the eow arrangement. I don't know if I ever will. But I also know I have the better deal of being with the children 12/14 days.

I have also spent two years trying very hard to count my blessings. And look on the bright side. I work with people who are terminally ill. I know I am so very fortunate. But that doesn't make this any less hard. The anti depressants helped me cope. To start with I wasn't sleeping. So they knocked me out which I needed. But then I felt hung over all the time so changed. The second lot were much better. Stopped the up and down emotions but I could also Function.

I know I need to 'grow up' and begin to be civil to the children's father. I so badly want to not be angry any more. I know I don't want him. I just wished it wasn't like this. I hate the shared care. I hate the split days for christmases and birthdays. I hate that for them Wedding and babies are going to be juggled.

I like everyone else never wanted this for them. And I know I have to bury the hatchet at some point and be 'friends' with the one person I never want to lay eyes on again.

Yes, mentally unstable. I’m not. I’m just a usual human with feelings and emotions. I have felt the freedom of being that since he has been gone. I’m not ashamed of being myself. I have done nothing wrong. I loved the wrong person.

Thank you Zaphod, unicorns and Superb for taking the time to give such thoughtful responses.

I am sorry you, and others, have all had to go through this. And I do know what you say is right, particularly about the time needed.

It is just crushing isn't it? I have been drafting a letter to H because I so desperately want to point out how wrong he is. Not the feelings, I have no power over those, but the things he is using for his justification. Plus the fact that at no point ever has he suggested he might have had any part to play. It's all me and the compromises he has had to make.

I could give him compromises! Pretty much everything we've done has been driven by him. I went with them for a variety of different reasons, but I'm grown up enough to own that, and not see it as 'his fault'.

Sending it would be bad, wouldn't it? Futile and only make me feel worse in the long run.

I won't believe, at this not at this stage, that I married the wrong person. We had a good marriage. It's ended because of him and his fears, insecurities, ego, self-pity. Not because of me. Despite the fact I spent most of last night working through all the times I have been a horrible person.

Writing letters is good. Sending them not so. I journal to get the feelings out. It isn't good English as it can be very raw but it helps.

I have found that it is pointless trying to understand the exH's motivations. I want to find meaning but it isn't there. The only way for me to make sense of it is to say that I and his children are collateral damage in whatever crisis he is going through. He chose not to involve us so we couldn't help and now he has done what he has done he has to blame us because it would be too painful to admit his fault. So it is over. One day you will wake up and you will wonder what you ever saw in him. It won't be today but it will come.

Brilliant comment, Mostly. I am going to use what you say to help me through this weekend.

When it comes to time...like I said, my XH left me during the May half term 2011 and it's only been in the last year or so that I could say that I could now walk past him in the street and not want to punch his stupid, vacant face. The feelings of love and loss took me SO LONG to get over that I thought I had gone mad. But I took that as a good thing, as proof that I really had loved him.

I cut all contact. Haven't spoken to him, heard of him or seen a picture since July 2011. The pain is still there, I am very sensitive to any perceived rejection, but I managed a relationship with another man (from whom I have now split amicably).

I am now happily single. And the other day I stood outside in the sun and laughed. I really am happy. But I am not the same person as I was pre 2011 and never will be again. Maybe that's a good thing.

Thank you all again.

I think I want to write not for me to get answers, but so he doesn't get away without seeing my words - to make sure he knows He might be reinventing all this stuff, but here is the truth/my side.

I also really want to just drive up and see him, but that wouldn't get me anywhere either, would it?

I have a GP appointment for next Tuesday, with next counsellor the day after.

I see your way of looking at it is very true, mostly. The thing is though, I don't want to get to a point where I wonder what I saw in him, because that makes the whole marriage a lie. Can't I just get to a point where my marriage was good, and he was all the wonderful things he was, but then he had a crisis and changed and destroyed it all?

I hope the mostly's words do help this weekend, Superb. I'm not quite ready to use them yet, but will soon I'm sure.

I'm glad you get those happy times now Zaphod, and I can see that being a different person isn't necessarily a bad thing, but again, not there yet.

I keep coming back to how this feels worse than actual bereavement, and I guess it's because generally with death, you're not left feeling worthless, betrayed etc, or at least that's certainly not my experience.

I'm beginning to bore myself with the repetition, so I'm sorry, but it just churns and churns.

I told another friend today who was duly horrified. So far that's 8 for 8 thinking he's having some kind of breakdown.

I can totally relate to all your posts OP and I truly feel your agony over it all. It's exhausting but you will start to come to terms with it (even if you can't understand it) bit by bit as each day goes by.

All of my friends and family were shocked and thought my (D)H was having a crisis too...but I came to the conclusion that crisis or no crisis he still ditched me and this is still real. I know we are desperately seeking answers/explanations and it would be so much easier to understand if the reason was a MLC but it's still the same end result. So sorry OP I know how you feel and it's the pits

My (D)H cried yesterday and told me he misses me and DS. I gave him a hug and said it'll be ok, (because we will have to be ok in the end...separately, we just won't be ok together). I know he doesn't deserve any support from me but I can't help myself, I still love and care for him. It's fucked with my head inside though because it makes me wonder if he regrets it, does he want to reconcile? I think not because he didn't say those words and it's probably for the best that he didn't because even now I would probably be tempted to give him another chance & I don't think it would be good for either of us now.

KOKO OP. You will get through this.

Thank you, Shin. That's got to be so hard.

I think because I am currently in the stage of actually, truly believing there's no way he won't suddenly 'wake up' that I can't say with confidence I wouldn't jump at having him back.

Which is madness. I know it's madness. Even last week I was saying it couldn't, wouldn't happen. But the here and now is that I would.

I like to think that if it actually came to pass I would be stronger than that. But I'm not sure.

And I actually loathe that I am reduced to this feeble hoping - still waiting for the inevitable call, or driving round the corner into my street almost expecting to see his car.

Despite what it sounds like, with me seemingly following his lead left, right and centre over the years, I always felt pretty much my own person during the marriage. We were two people together, not two halves of one whole. I was always quite pleased that although I loved him very much, I wasn't dependent on him.

Hah!!! What a crock. It is monstrous to me that I have fallen apart quite so spectacularly, whimpering, 'but I wuvs him'. Fool.

I keep telling myself some of it is because of all the other issues I mentioned, and perhaps it is, but I can't help but feel the bulk of it is purely down to the loss of him.

I'm sort of not beating myself up exactly, more just pulling apart all these thoughts and having a good look at them. And no, not feeling too impressed with some of them.

I would write the letter a sit on it for a few days. Maybe discuss it with your counsellor. Someone wiser than me said. There are three truths. How you see it. How he sees it and something in the middle.

Ex at has brought it up at points in the past. I just say there isnt any point discussing the whys. It won't change anything. And we both see it differently. And aren't going to find any middle ground.

Do keep talking. It really does help it all find a place in your head. It is very repetitive because it makes very little sense to you. I know I kept having to have the same conversation many times. And always apologised for talking at people but needed to get it out.

I still daydream about the old life. We were very fortunate with what we had as a team. The alternative is struggling, more so for me than him. Although I'm sure he has his regrets. This is what he wanted. And where we are at now was due to his behaviour since leaving. But He appears stuck in the why he left. Still trying to justify himself I guess

Glad to hear you are seeing the doctor next week. You are doing all the right things.

@Zaphodsotherhead you made me laugh out loud. I want to punch ex in the face and can't even look at him at all. Good to know it passes eventually.

Friends are wonderful. I went over and over and over what had happened, what he'd said, what he'd done, what other people had said...it became like a litany, a recitation of what went wrong. The saving grace was that other people couldn't believe what he'd done either - we'd been the perfect couple, so in love that we lit up in one another's presence according to others.

And now I can just think bollocks to him. But you have to get through that awful stage of him being the first thing you think of every morning, the dreams of him coming back and it all being a horrible mistake.

And one of the worst side effects was to my profession - I'm an author who writes romantic comedies! I could't even bear to THINK of romance, let alone in a humorous way, but fortunately my agent talked sensibly at me until that came back.

Yes, unicorns, I have said the 'my view, his view, middle view' quite a few times. Which is fine up to a point, but with several of the things he's said, it's not a question of views, it's things that actually happened, conversations that were actually had.

I can't control how he sees things, but I can't get past him not acknowledging that these things actually took place!

I will write the letter, and yes, discussing with the counsellor is an excellent idea, thank you.

A couple of friends have suggested I try and talk to him again, not to try and 'win him back', but in a similar vein to why I want to send a letter - to kind of force him to 'see' an alternative view. Can't decide if this better or worse than letter but shall park also for counsellor.

Yes, I daydream too. A while back we had a great business, were comfortably off, but that went, in part due to recession, and since then we've been very financially precarious. And we didn't have the money to do a lot. But we spent a lot of time chatting, and laughing and just being - often comfortable in silence. All very small, nice things, nothing earth-shattering.

And while I am glad I don't have to go through what you and so many have in terms of sorting homes etc, I think it is contributing to my sense of unreality, as in most ways, nothing is particularly changing, it's just carrying on as it has been for months now, just without the chats & love.

When we spoke the other day he even called me 'love', as he used to. What's that about? Just habit I guess.

I’m in the repetitive going over and over what has happened mode at the moment. I’m depressing myself and my friends! We too were the mythical ‘perfect happy couple’. Clearly my husband is a wonderful actor, or at least he was happy until he saw someone younger and more tempting. I find weekends difficult if I haven’t got anything arranged. This week I have lots to do at home because I have been running away so much. I’m going to try to stick it out as much as I can.