Some friendly words - part 2. It's over.

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

First of all I wanted to apologise to the lovely people who were so supportive on my original thread. I had it deleted because I had a weird 'outing' experience, but it doesn't matter now because this evening I had the phone call telling me it was definitely over.

I thought we had been making some progress trying to work things out, but no, it's done.

22 years destroyed in the space of a few months.

In his words, something just switched off. Which is nice.

I don't believe there is an OW, but I suspect there may well be shortly.

Moving away for a job, living in the village he grew up in which he had never wanted to leave originally, and where he now feels more at home than he has done in years. And yes, he did say that, although he did apologise when I pointed out that didn't make me feel super wonderful.

Too much time alone, too much time to dwell and gnaw at all the little things that weren't quite right, all the little niggles, and BOOM suddenly he's able to completely shut, bolt and nail the door up behind him,

And I am just broken. I know I am strong, I know I can get through this, but blimey, it is just, pain.

It seems such a dreadful waste. Ironically, if he hadn't got this job earlier in the year, we may well have been in Las Vegas now, celebrating 20 years of marriage, which is somewhere I'd always wanted to go, and we were going to splurge, irregardless of our not terribly healthy finances.

I just did not see this coming. I still believe our niggles, issues etc were eminently fixable. But fixing them needed someone who was present. And he evidently hasn't been for the past few months.

It seems to have happened very quickly in his head. There was a catalyst of moving within the village 2 months ago at which point it's like a light went out.

So we never had a chance really, he never said how he was feeling because there doesn't seem to have been a period of doubt, just love one day, nothing the next.

Have to work out how to tell the children (well, young adults).

As is so often the case, the one person I would turn to, talk to, the one person I could rely on to have my back, to make me feel better just by being there...is the very person who has broken me.

Of course I still love him. He's been my love, my person, my best friend for all this time, and to lose all of those is horrifying.

We 'got' each other so much, on so many levels just not having that is more than I feel I can bear. I feel like I'm bursting out of my skin.

When he first told me how he felt, and then when we were talking so I wasn't sure, but hoped there was a chance, I thought that limbo was bad, and actually knowing might feel better. It doesn't.

If anyone is there, please could you spare a moment.

I am very lucky, I have some wonderful friends, but at the moment I just can't go to bed and I feel, just, horrible.

Thank you

Mine too. How we would be ‘bestest of bestest friends if that’s what I wanted’. I asked how his new partner would feel about that. No answer, just a sad look. Stupid, juvenile man. Someone once described him as ‘jumped up’ and they were spot on. Stay strong.

Hi OP delurking to offer a handhold. I’ve been following your thread, heavy Mumsnet user here! After years and years of reading threads similar to yours I just have a few things to say. The simplest explanation is usually the correct one. There’s no “mystery” as to why he left, the past was real between you, he did love you, he doesn’t any more (sorry) because he’s got involved with his ex. She is the ONLY explanation you need. He had his head turned. He is in the early thralls of a new relationship which enables him to distance himself from you and put you in a box. The real question is HOW he could do this. And that is unknown. Men all over the world do this every day day in and day out. It’s SO SO common. I’m sure it’s to do with ego. Men loving the ego boost of having a woman interested in them. Unbelievable and pathetic but sadly true. Sleep well tonight knowing that this is literally far beyond anything you can / could have controlled. He alone has brought this to your table, it was NOTHING you did/didn’t do and there’s nothing you CAN do but go through the healing that only time gives you. Good news is you will (based on what usually happens in these cases) you will eventually lead a happier life, (when you stop hurting ) than you have ever done before. As for him....not so much.

Thankyou unicorns, Superb and Lucky.

Had a bit of a development this evening. Something had come up with ds, and I thought I should let him know, in the spirit of supportive coparenting.

There might be a bit of paraphrasing here, but I think you'll get the gist....

Well he did call and it was a bit unsatisfactory, and inevitably we ended up talking over stuff again. And essentially it is all my fault. He didn't say anything a few months ago, because he realised it was me making him miserable, and he'd been making compromises for years. And did I mention it was all my fault?

I mentioned a few things I could be said to have compromised on, and apparently I should have said. None of these things should be a surprise to me as he had raised them before. Which in some cases is partially true, but not in any way that ever gave me an inkling there was anything fundamentally wrong. And he appears to have conveniently forgotten other conversations.

I do think this is bullshit, as he has always been appalling at masking any feelings so I think this is just him selecting and twisting stuff to fit his victimhood.

That time alone basically made him realise all the compromises, all the things making him unhappy, and oh yes, it was all my fault.

Oh, but by the way, wouldn't it be great if we could separate our friendship from the whole marriage thing, as he always valued my friendship. Really, fuckwit?

I did mention at this point that the thing I found most hurtful was that he has never expressed any hint of sadness, or sorrow at the end of the marriage. To which he replied that he had had all those feelings when he was all alone, dwelling on how it was all my fault.

And he asked why would he say that he was sad or sorry? It would only make me feel worse. I said actually it would have made me feel a tiny bit less worthless and discarded. No real answer. I said I also thought after the destruction he'd wrought, I felt he kind of owed me that.

To which he replied he couldn't agree with me on that, after all, it was all my fault.

He was a bit tetchy at this point, so we said a bit more, then finished the call.

And I am utterly stunned. The fact that he couldn't, wouldn't offer a tiny bit of kindness has slayed me.

Casual, unthinking cruelty is one thing, but this was just, clinical. His need to be right, to be justified was so great, he couldn't even throw me a tiny comfort.

Honestly, what normal person says stuff like that? There was more in the same vein, but that's the essence.

And it hurt like a motherfucker.

But at the same time, I wonder if he hasn't done me a favour. There is no way back from that. And even the sad, pathetic part of me wouldn't want him back now. I am hoping I have just taken a little jump ahead on the road. I can't help feeling I've had a narrow escape.

Now it might be if he hadn't got the job, or if we had seen each other more so he didn't have so much alone time, then things would have just carried on.

But obviously this part of him was always there (which I knew to some extent), and who's to say it wouldn't have come out later? How awful would it have been to make that move up, and then have it happen. At least here all is secure and stable.

I know I will have a lot of downs, and I know it's not going to be quick, and I'm sure I will still have those 'but I lurrvve him' moments. ANd I'm sure I shall share them on here. But I definitely do not love this person. I love the man he was. I despise what he did tonight, and have no respect at all for what he has become.

I am still so stunned though. It was so, so unkind. Blatantly unkind. Wow.

Bunnies, shocking and upsetting though this is, it is what they do. Offering kindness would undermine their adopted position as the long-suffering, patient hero of their story, finally driven to the edge and forced, unwillingly, after many months of careful thought and analysis, to conclude that ‘everything is your fault’. No apologies, no discussion, just dead eyed disdain. There is nothing wrong with you and everything wrong with him. He is incomplete, dysfunctional, and a coward. There are a lot of them around ... Take care of yourself and your DC and let him look to himself. Sending you kind thoughts.

So SO fucked up. So SO BAD. Who even does that? How can he (and every fucking cheater like all the others on the other threads you and I are on) be so fucking delusional that they think that they can totally blame their wives. 100% the wives fault. And they really believe it! It’s like they all are brainwashed or something to reel out the same fucking shite like let’s be friends...(WTF??) but it’s ALL your fault(DWTF?) you must NOT believe this fucking drivel, he’s completely lost his mind. You will have to distance yourself:( just wait and pray karma kicks his ass and OW gives him nassssttttyy dickrot.

Honestly it’s like they all take a class or something...cheaters lesson in being a supercunt!

Luckybe40, it must be ego or some trigger for complete selfishness and It predominately seems to affect middle aged men.

I suspect the cause is very poor emotional intelligence. Rather than dealing with negative emotions they look outside for validation and someone to blame. An Ow provides validation and the faithful wife is fall guy. It is such a common story.

Yes, Lucky, Superb and Tech, you are all so right. You've said essentially what fab friend said when I phoned and dumped it all on her.

I have no idea if there is an OW at the moment, but I'm sure there will be soon, and he's even said as much ('possibly' - fuckwit again, who says that?)

But I'm sure she will get the benefit of his tragic tale of long-suffering victimhood.

Apart from the pathetic 'I lurrvve him' part of me, which despite everything I've said here I'm sure will pop up from time to time, I guess I still hadn't realised quite how great his need to be 'right' is. I mean he has never really accepted any blame for anything he might have done, or accepted he might have done anything better, or differently. Never, beyond a vague, "I don't know", or "Yes, I suppose so".

He must have the fucking script tattooed on his soul, however mangy that might be.

And I am furious that this came about on the back of a conversation I'd instigated out of worry for our son.

It does make you wonder quite why so many of them act the same way. Now H was always fairly good at talking emotions. Pretty upfront, able to raise and discuss things that bothered him - in general, not just things in the marriage. In fact I was less so, and generally required a few beers to get me to open up. And he was a good listener, and supportive.

So where does that all go? Is it purely for justification? Whether it's ow, or something else? He is more like his dad than I ever realised.

They just switch off, Bunnies. They turn their allegiance elsewhere and you no longer matter - this is why they are 'unkind' (they see it as 'just telling the truth'). And it isn't even middle aged men, mine was considerably younger than that (and me!). When he said it was over and we had the 'later discussion about what went wrong' (always a mistake I now know), I said 'this kind of ending is basically like being told you aren't good enough for the other person'. And he fucking agreed! Who does that? Who doesn't offer a crumb of comfort with the 'well, you were good enough but.blahblahblah and you will be good enough for someone else'. Nope.

They just stop caring. And, because they know you well, you have become a sounding board and not a proper person deserving of courtesy and kindness.

He has shrugged you (and presumably the kids) off like an old wet coat and he's looking forward to putting on dry clothes. Don't let him hang you out to dry...

If he has the bad judgement/ taste to ask to separate your friendship from your marriage just remind him that your friends are people you like and trust. So that’s a double no! Keep you chin up- you will survive this. You sound lovely- his loss. He has to live with what he’s done.

I’d tell him you’ve had time to think about the marriage now in light of what he’s done/said and you’ve come to the conclusion that it’s all his fault. Everyone you knows agrees. It will drive him crazy.

Thanks Zaphod and Twinset.

Yes, you are both right again.

And yet again, it's this time in the afternoon and I am crashing again. I think it is lack of decent eating (as you suggested, Zaphod) - I meant to bring something with me, but will continue to graze on biscuits.

At least I have counsellor this evening, so am leaving a little early, but will nearly do the full day which is good.

Today I think I am struggling with feeling so alone. Now I know I have lovely dc, and I know I have some really fab friends, but I don't want to dump on them too much, and of course they have families/lives of their own.

It is such a big adjustment to suddenly not have that special person in my corner, guaranteed to have my back.

He did quite clinically tell me that it wouldn't be him giving me that support/comfort any more, so I shouldn't expect it. He's told me it's over and he wants to move on, so look elsewhere.

I hadn't actually asked him for comfort, other than as joint parents, which I didn't think was unreasonable.

But again, the being so cold and blunt was harsh.

What I don't understand is the need to have the justification etc?

Working on the premise that anyone has the right to fall out of love and want to leave, why is it not better to have adult conversations about things, be kind and move on gently? Surely that must be possible? And then no one is the bad guy? Why be so destructive?

Of course, I want us to be a parenting 'team' for the dc. But it is much harder to do that when he is being so vile.

I just don't see the need. Why is being 'right' so important? But then I guess I wouldn't because I'm not an arsing Wankbadger.

Any head pats, 'there there's', virtual hugs really very appreciated at the moment.

The hugs are implict, I think, Small, but here's some actual ones. ((((()))))))

I think you need them. But you are sounding stronger and more realistic every day. You're going to be all right.

And best wishes to you and your kids.
If twatbadger is messing around, I hope he gets nobrot and even if he's not, hope he explodes from his own entitled self importance (metaphorically speaking of course). Mx.

Thank you - implicit and actual very thankfully received.

Yes, I know I will be ok ultimately, I think it's trying to wrestle so many different strands - it's exhausting.

• that man I loved, no longer exists, and neither does the love, support and security
• there goes my best friend and so many years of shared fun
• so, that life I was looking forward to no longer exists
• my life will be different and looking to the time when I can find that exciting rather than terrifying
• the 4-person family unit is gone
• I have sad dc
• he is an arsehole
• but an arsehole I need to maintain a decent parenting relationship with
• I hate him
• I still love him (or what he was) despite everything
• I am a strong warrior woman who will have a fabulous life
• icy cold determined Scarlett O'Hara channelling
• snivelling wreck

etc etc

And they are all fighting for dominance. No wonder my head is spinning!

Thank you too maras - I am trying not to be vindictive, but have to confess when he was telling me last night how happy he was, and that it was hard for us to be able to have a conversation if he couldn't be honest (!!!) about his life, I did fantasise about a sledgehammer...

Is he so emotionally void though that he can honestly tell you how happy he is without a thought to his dc and to you. He should be ashamed, obviously he isnt though.

The selfishness of some men never ceases to amaze me, you think you have one of the good ones until you find actually you don't. KOKO op honestly I know you don't think it now but one day you will look back and be proud of yourself x

boredbored, yes you would think he would see that perhaps being pleasanter would make things easier all round? But I suspect it doesn't matter for him because my 'unreasonableness' is just one more thing to feel superior about, and if there's any impact on anything to do with the dc, that will be down to me again.

I genuinely think his head is not right.

His head may not be right but it doesn’t help us women in this position. Sending support from the same place. Good luck with the counselling which will help.

No indeed, Superb, it doesn't matter whether he/they are possessed, abducted by aliens, pantomime villain, unwell or anything else.

The end result is the same for the wife.

It is shitter than a shit thing in shitland, and I think we/you are all brilliant and should probably rule the world. And I send hugs out to you too.

Thanks very much Bunnies. They are much needed.

Had a good first session with counsellor. Think I got lucky, as she really seems a good fit, if you like. She was very kind as well as practical. Seeing her next week. She's actually giving me a cheaper rate, because she wants to help, which is nice.

My lovely ds is having some issues and was so upset last night. I feel very selfish because I want to concentrate on helping him, but am still feeling so beaten I'm not functioning as well as I should.

Is it horribly self-centred to feel so overburdened, with losing my godfather, my godmother being very ill, the situation with H and now poor ds? It just seems a lot.

I've eaten decently tonight, am going to go to bed earlier and counsellor gave me a few ideas for trying to ease some of the feeling of being about to burst. So I shall hopefully feel more on fighting form tomorrow.

And why am now stuck on 'if onlies?

If only I had discouraged him from going for this job. If only I had encouraged him to go out and get a more local job. He had a couple of temp ones around Christmas and they really gave him a boost, so why didn't I do that?

Why on earth did I think it was a good idea that he be separated from us for all that time? Especially knowing he was still quite depressed. How on earth was that ever going to be a good thing? It all seems so clear now.

Just at the time, I was worried about his depression and his mental state, and it seemed quite reasonable that getting this job would be A Good Thing.

I truly believe all would now be fine and normal if only I'd given it more thought. So maybe it is on me.

Bunnies, this isn’t on you at all. This is on your husband. He wanted to go for the job and he wanted to move to his old town. Nothing you did would have made any difference. You were supportive for the best of reasons, love. He chose to take advantage of that support. He put his own needs before yours and those of your DC. Getting a job was a good thing. Management of his depression was up to him. When you are a reasonable wife we inevitably accommodate those we love to do things that we might feel uneasy about. We ignore the feelings, no? We feel concerned about rocking the boat. When people show you who they are, believe them. It makes kids fee a little easier and helps inform you response.

So pleased to hear the counselling went well. That is a real positive. I hope you can get some support in place for your ds. Is he still in school. Have you asked about pastoral support there? You will cope with your burden. Because that's what we do. Such a lot for you to handle at this time. Just make sure you look after yourself. So you can continue to do so

And I concur with pp. none of this is on you. We all have those moments. We could of done things differently. But ultimately this was his doing. He looked at what he had and thought fuck that. And walked away from his responsibilities. For you and the children.

That is not the sort of person you want or deserve in your life. It is a whirl wind of emotions right now. But you will get more meh about it all at some point.

Thank you both again - I know what you say is all true. I'm just sorry your knowledge has come through shit experience.

Ds is young adult, working. Has autism/anxiety which has made things challenging for him. I hope he'll be able to engage with some help to get to a good place. He's been doing pretty well, so this knockback is heartbreaking. He is such a love.

Counsellor used an expression 'the 3 Rs' when dealing with things - React, Reflect, Respond. As I have been floundering around trying to make decisions, but probably it's too soon. I found that useful. Something I can practically work with.

And she told me it's ok to cry, and if I need to do it at work, to take myself off and 'let it out' for a bit. Which lovely work friend has said, but I haven't been doing. It's not something to be ashamed of, or a sign of weakness.

So I'm going to do that if I need to today. Hopefully it will take the edge of that 'bursting' feeling, where I just don't know what to do with myself, and I can get through the full day.

So lots of positives to think about.

Thank you for your support, it is so valuable.