Some friendly words - part 2. It's over.

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

First of all I wanted to apologise to the lovely people who were so supportive on my original thread. I had it deleted because I had a weird 'outing' experience, but it doesn't matter now because this evening I had the phone call telling me it was definitely over.

I thought we had been making some progress trying to work things out, but no, it's done.

22 years destroyed in the space of a few months.

In his words, something just switched off. Which is nice.

I don't believe there is an OW, but I suspect there may well be shortly.

Moving away for a job, living in the village he grew up in which he had never wanted to leave originally, and where he now feels more at home than he has done in years. And yes, he did say that, although he did apologise when I pointed out that didn't make me feel super wonderful.

Too much time alone, too much time to dwell and gnaw at all the little things that weren't quite right, all the little niggles, and BOOM suddenly he's able to completely shut, bolt and nail the door up behind him,

And I am just broken. I know I am strong, I know I can get through this, but blimey, it is just, pain.

It seems such a dreadful waste. Ironically, if he hadn't got this job earlier in the year, we may well have been in Las Vegas now, celebrating 20 years of marriage, which is somewhere I'd always wanted to go, and we were going to splurge, irregardless of our not terribly healthy finances.

I just did not see this coming. I still believe our niggles, issues etc were eminently fixable. But fixing them needed someone who was present. And he evidently hasn't been for the past few months.

It seems to have happened very quickly in his head. There was a catalyst of moving within the village 2 months ago at which point it's like a light went out.

So we never had a chance really, he never said how he was feeling because there doesn't seem to have been a period of doubt, just love one day, nothing the next.

Have to work out how to tell the children (well, young adults).

As is so often the case, the one person I would turn to, talk to, the one person I could rely on to have my back, to make me feel better just by being there...is the very person who has broken me.

Of course I still love him. He's been my love, my person, my best friend for all this time, and to lose all of those is horrifying.

We 'got' each other so much, on so many levels just not having that is more than I feel I can bear. I feel like I'm bursting out of my skin.

When he first told me how he felt, and then when we were talking so I wasn't sure, but hoped there was a chance, I thought that limbo was bad, and actually knowing might feel better. It doesn't.

If anyone is there, please could you spare a moment.

I am very lucky, I have some wonderful friends, but at the moment I just can't go to bed and I feel, just, horrible.

Thank you

Zaphod, yes you are right. Since he moved for the job the kids and I have developed some nice routines. I don't see them much as they are generally doing their own thing but we chat and drift happily around each other, so at least we already have a sort of new normal, with him not around.

It was always going to be a temporary 'normal' but at least we won't have that horrible change to face, as he is already not here. And they are great people.

And Northern, I am sorry you are 'there' too - you say recent, how far along the road are you? I think you are right about separating out the strands. And I know it will get easier.

This morning I feel stronger again, which is weird as I slept like shit and am up too early!

I am focussing on the casual cruelty of some of the things he said.

• That he feels more at home there than he has done in years.
• That he wondered at one point what I was doing in his house (after I'd gone up last weekend for what I thought was the first step in us working things out).
• That yes it was 'possible' he would get back together with his old 'love'.

And the one giant WTF moment, which I hadn't really recognised until I heard fab friend's reaction:

That my being less driven than him which had always been in the 'plus' column, was actually an issue, an example of which was that I hadn't applied for more high-powered, higher paid jobs, to maximise our financial position. Said about a time when he was essentially sitting on his arse with no job, and had been for rather a long time.

So that's in my 'stay angry and practical' strand!!

I think those examples show that you are starting to look realistically at your relationship. It's easy when you're in a relationship that is ticking along happily enough, to think that it's all perfect and the little blips are what everyone experiences.

It's when it all detonates that you can see that there were some larger issues that were, at the time, just things you got on with. It's only afterwards that you find yourself thinking 'how the hell did I let him get away with THAT?'

There will also be reasons that he split up with his 'old love'. Unless they are both now radically different people, those reasons will still be there.

I know you're right Zaphod.

The thing is, with the job issue for example, I had encouraged him to hold off looking for just any job. We were ticking along financially, and I knew how much of his self-worth was tied up with job success, so it seemed a no-brainer to support him.

From a lot of other stuff he's said, at some point over the past few months he was feeling lonely, had too much time to think and started selecting bits from our marriage that supported his narrative.

Now I guess the 'truth' will be somewhere in between. But bearing in mind some of the shit we got through together, I don't think there was anything we wouldn't have been able to address if we'd been physically together.

I really believe it's the distance that was the major contributor.

The mad thing was that I kept encouraging him to keep applying for all sorts of jobs, saying it would be something out of left field that would suddenly happen. We've always taken risks, done things in odd ways, and it' had always paid off.

Why, knowing that he was always very attached to his home town, and that his 'first love', who he had been on and off again several times pre meeting me lived close by, did I think it was a good idea to pack him off up there?

I practically gave him away.

And why, knowing that he is not good on his own and overthinks did I not force the issue and go and visit even when he said no?

I genuinely don't think there was anything subconscious on my part about wanting out.

I knew it was going to be hard, but I was genuinely pleased for him that he had a job to really get his teeth into, that he was making a success of. I was genuinely excited about next year being the start of a new chapter for us. I accepted his need for focus, and just never, ever thought he would get so low. I just completely trusted in 'us' as a strong unit.

The move all happened very quickly, with little time to think. It's useless to dwell on it, but I do wonder if I was just too accepting, had too much faith in us at a distance, when everything we'd been through before we had been physically together for.

But then of course he could always have told me how he was feeling, rather than pushing me away, which of course became a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So I'm not taking full blame. Or much, to be honest after how he's been recently.

I am just sad that possibly with a few tweaks, things might have been different.

And sad that actually, I might be kidding myself about that.

And I won't ever really know. And I know it doesn't really matter, because the situation is what it is.

I just want to shake him so hard and see if I can dislodge the total stranger who has taken over my lovely man. I've read so many posts and threads on here over the past few days, and know how common this 'abducted by aliens' feeling is, and I am gobsmacked by it. How can these people just switch?

Definitely feeling low again, must go and do something practical.

xx

Sorry, more brain dump.

The thing is, people do fall out of love. And people do have the right to leave, and move on if they are unhappy.

But what I don't get is why let the feelings fester? Why not say something at the time.

Taking what H says at face value, if he'd said something a couple of months ago, I would have been going up to see him, we could have talked things through, and maybe we could have reconnected.

Instead I get some shit about how he felt uncared for, with examples of when I did x instead of y, or when something happened and I wasn't right there to talk to. When I asked why he hadn't said anything I got a sort of vague 'I don't know'.

And now of course, I've read the 'Script' and I wonder....

He has always been one to mull, and make plans, and he is now so far down the road and I am playing catch up.

Even the agreeing to 'try and make it work' is so fucking predictable.

It is the breathtaking casual cruelty.

For me, I also see that so many elements of this are not out of character for him. Not the cruelty, but the thought processes, the way his mind works, the way he overthinks and compartmentalizes.

So he's not a total podperson. It's more like he has been taken apart and put back together wrong.

And of course, none of it really matters.

Is it just that the potential for being an arsing wankbadger was always there, ready for when needed?

Yes, I think this is the case. Do you the theory of object constancy?
The ability to maintain an emotional bond with others even where there are distance and conflicts.

If this doesn't exist in him then he will always be destined to break the bond with a partner when differences arises. I also suspect he needs constant attention and absence, albeit short gave him a deficit so he had to fill it with someone else.
Perhaps the lack of employment phase damaged his ego but also caused him to blame you, rather than look inside. Whilst he may have said he was keen to have your back was he genuinely happy if there was a cost to him? I.e a reduction in attention towards him.

I am sorry but I suspect OW is very much on the scene. Ex H became abusive after career success and looking back I see he started to be in contact with the woman he is now openly with. He was in a bad place when we separated, looked awful, put on weight but now it is clear she was engineering to exit her marriage, during that phase, so he wasn't with her but they had an understanding.

He was also married before which I now see is a pattern. I am amazed I managed to last so long and probadly testimony to how much I tolerated his needs over mine.

The pain will subside and the memories of this time will fade but you don't forget them.

I hope that he behaves well during the divorcing phase. You mention no assets but are there pensions? Ime, recovery starts from when there is a formal end of the marriage the divorce, which is painful but very necessary.

What do you know about the friend? His criticism of you maybe a projection of what he sees as her strengths so could she be successful career wise?

Thanks Techway, lots to mull over there.

He was always very generous, kind and thoughtful to me. Had a tendency to want to 'fix' things if I was upset/stressed by something, but happy to listen & support if that's all I needed.

He did need a lot of attention I suppose, but his attention/love to me never came with any requirement/expectation of something in return. Even now I'm questioning a lot, I can't see anything of that kind. I think we were pretty equal from that point of view. We 'gave' as each other needed, and it was pretty even.

There is definitely a quite mighty ego there, and always has been. And, particularly after quite an eye-opening convo I've just had with another fab friend, I think I probably fed it too much, pandered to it. Never seemed like it at the time, just seemed part of what you do 'for the unit', and there certainly wasn't anything martyrish on my part, but she said a couple of things that made me cringe a bit.

Definitely a sense of superiority, but tbh I always thought he was pretty brilliant, so what can I say. And he always made me feel pretty brilliant too, so there was nothing of the adoring, subservient woman there. We always behaved as equals.

Actually, maybe that is part of it.

The old love isn't really a friend as such. There had been no contact for a couple of years longer than we were together.

They met up earlier this year, which he told me about after the event, and apparently she asked to be friends and he said no. And I know now they have bumped into each other a few times, and it is 'possible' he may now pursue a relationship with her. Taking everything at face value...

But no, she is not a successful businesswoman. In fact one of the reasons he gave for them never working out previously was that she lacks drive, ironically! So I don't quite know what that all means.

Comfort and familiarity I suspect. And perhaps her not being his 'equal' is what he wants right now - adoring and subservient is attractive I guess.

He has been married twice before. He has had a tendency to self-sabotage relationships. Hasn't maintained any friendships. Quelle surprise.

There are pensions.

Do you know, throughout our life, there have been so many people who didn't like him, who he rubbed up the wrong way, with his bluntness, arrogance etc. I think some people just tolerated him. But some people, like me, only really got the good side and did like him.

He is...not an easy character. But I am an awkward sod in my own way, and we did work well together. We fitted, and rubbed off some of the rough edges. He always said I made him a better person. So it will be interesting to see what sort of a person he is without me. Well, I guess I've seen what happens when he's on his own.

Fuck. just sorted some of his stuff out to box up.

A tiny, tiny amount and it has left me howling. Thank god both dd & ds are out.

Am back in 'this can't be real' mode. Hurts and hurts.

Go easy on yourself. You are not just going to be ok this soon. Things will set you back. Let them. That is part of healing.

I had a little cry this morning once I had closed the door and waved dd off with a big smile and told her to have a fab weekend.

It is good you are sorting through things. I took great delight in going through the whole house and putting ex stuff together in the spare room. I got called pathetic a few times for that. In reflection he didn't like that I took some control.

Do you have plans to get out this weekend. Even a blustery walk to clear the cob webs. Keep venting here it is a safe place and keep talking to friends for support. Don't keep it bottled up. It needs to come out.

Thank you. I know what you say is true but I hate this out of control feeling. One minute channelling Scarlett O'Hara, the next channelling a wet sock.

I am sorry you had a little cry, but I guess that is all part of the process, it still gets you even further down the line.

I wasn't as productive as I'd hoped, but now cooking an enormous lasagna and as it's my favourite, I might even eat some! Having a rather rancid glass of wine which is not necessarily a good idea on an empty stomach, but it's taking the edge off a bit, so I'll live.

Spoken to fab friends today, and seeing another tomorrow. Might try and go for a walk in the morning rather than sit on my behind all day.

I keep having this thing where something has taken my mind off it for a short time, and then I suddenly go, 'oh'. Almost as if I briefly forgot. And waking up in the morning there is a blissful second or two before reality bites.

I dozed off watching tv last night, and had a weird halfdream where I was telling H about this weird thing that had happened. Then sort of woke up and realised that of course, HE is the weird thing that has happened.

The mind is an odd place.

Apart from anything else, I am so resentful that I still love him so much. That is monstrously unfair. Apart from all the hurt, all the chaos, I still love him. Arsing wankbadger.

I feel your pain. I keep wishing my heart would catch up with my head. All you can do is push on and keep breathing.

It isnt just something you can switch off. Sadly. And when there is such a long history it is hard to untangle the good from the not so good.

I hate that the children are split. That we have to juggle birthdays and Christmas etc. Each 'celebration' has to be shared. And of course I wouldn't expect it to be any other way. I still hate it. I know for me I need to rebuild my own life away from the children. So I can get the balance back. It isn't what I ever wanted but I'm trying my best.

At the start I just kept busy. I made some new single mum friends and that helped in the first year. But they have new relationships and busy lives. So things have slipped and I need to make more of my free time. That's the plan for 2020 anyway.

It's good you have some plans for tomorrow. I too need to get up of my bum. 😀 enjoy the lasagna.

I am so sorry both of you. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

At least with dc being young adults I don't have to juggle in that way.

I was thinking of taking us away for a few days after Christmas, but I guess I need to find out what thoughts H has about his plans. I have asked a couple of times, but no answer.

I'm pretty certain they won't want to go up Christmas itself, and ds will be working so won't be able to go up after. And there's a thought, he won't be able to have a few days away, and don't want to leave him alone, but dd loves the idea.

I guess I will need to ask to think about his plans.

I currrently have this awful scene in my head of H and the woman cosied up in his living room, if not now, then soon, lost in the romance of being back in home town with first love. It is like the shittest of shit Hallmark movies and it won't go away and it is ripping my heart out.

How could he do this?

Because he is a selfish arse and is wrapped up in his own wants and needs. And doesn't give a toss about anyone else.

I still can't fathom it either. I recognised there were issues but I would of done everything I could to keep the family together. Although ex though he would still get to come and go as he pleased and we would remain friends 🙄

I shouldn't grumble though. Ex is in rented accommodation been out of work this year and only sees one of the children eow. When he doesn't cancel. So I know I am 'fortunate'.

Try not to over think Christmas. I'm guess he won't be bothered and you and the children can make your own plans. And build new traditions. Now my youngest is a bit older we are going to celebrate new year at a hotel. Something to look forward too.

Op,the way you describe him, blunt, rude, arrogant, twice married, massive ego, hasn't maintained friendships..he has major flaws which you have managed to overlook. I think the scales may start to fall from your eyes, which will also be painful but a necessary step.

Some people who leave a marriage practice a scorched earth policy so that no one really knows how they behaved in past relationships. It is very effective.

Unicorns, yes, very true. I have a few ideas in mind to make Christmas normal but different, so we'll see how that goes.

The stupid thing Techway is that when we first got together, he basically laid out his flaws with brutal honesty, so I can't say I was unaware of them, or overlooked them! He was always very honest about previous behaviours, and wanting to change, and it was very disarming. And of course I didn't get any of those, other than indirectly.

Not just at the beginning, but all the way through. Yes I can look back now and see things that don't show him in a good light, but there was so much more than that, right up until the past few months.

And I did rein back a lot of it, and he did value that in me. And we massively supported each other through rather a lot of rubbish situations.

One of the things I always valued was his ability to take pleasure in small things, not just the big, grand things. It was something we both shared - as much fun with fish'n'chips at the seaside as with swanky restaurants, for example.

So getting through hard times was always easier, as we could appreciate little pleasures.

I suspect now that being without a job for so long had a much deeper impact on him, plus a big bereavement, and so the ego/desire for control crept in more and more. And I just wanted to keep him from slipping into major depression, so didn't see any warning signs.

I know the expression "when someone tells you who they are, believe them." And he did tell me, right at the beginning. The arsing wankbadger potential was always there.

But despite how he may sound, he was also kind, loving, supportive, thoughtful, funny, generous sweet, silly, and just my absolute love for 22 years.

And he leaves behind a massive, painful void in my life.

A small box, I am 2 months in. He moved out early September, just like that - made a decision for all of us without trying to fix things. He did not leave any hope that he might change his mind, that was it, decision made, no turning back. And that is one of the hardest thing how someone can make a decision for you that will effectively change your life forever, the power of this, the control.. it hurts. But I guess the only way to not get hurt is to never be in a relationship.
Sending you hugs and it looks like you have done a good job of trying to make sense of the whole situation.

Northern, that is such a big thing, isn't it, that you have no agency in any of this.

This person has made a decision, or a series of decisions in which you have had no part. In fact, in which you had no idea there were any decisions to be made.

So apart from the pain of it all, you are constantly on the back foot, constantly playing catch up.

Had another shit sleep, tormenting myself with little fantasies of him begging to come back. Futile and unhelpful.

Weirdly as I am so, so not a morning person, I seem to be better in the mornings so far! I seem to crash & burn mid-afternoon.

I suspect I'm going to be repeating myself on here a lot, as I'm finding it easier to get the hurt out online, than with friends. They are fab, but I'm finding it more helpful with them to focus on the the practicals, rather than a lot of emotion. So although I'm sure they would support me in a sobfest, I haven't really felt comfortable doing that, which is definitely when I miss my mum.

So I hope it doesn't come across as too self-indulgent.

I think you are crashing and burning because you are tired and probably not eating well. Could you try for a nap around lunchtime?

Mine also told me 'who he was' at the beginning but then gave me all the 'my life is so much better/happier with you, I'd rather be with you and suffer all life's problems than be alone'. And I guess I was flattered into thinking that I was different. Therefore HE would be different with me.

He was, for a while. And then he just couldn't sustain it and, I'm guessing because I haven't spoken to him since we finally split, that he has returned to the comfort of 'being who he is' without feeling that he has to conform to my ideals.

Remember, Small, wherever he goes, and whoever he is with, he has to take himself with him. He might manage to cosy up and believe this is his new, romantic life, but he's dragging his past with him, every day.

It won't be a cosy idyll for very long before the cracks start to show.

Zaphod, wow, a lot of similarities there. H told me for the best part of 22 years that he was a better person with me. And to be honest I think he was. I'm sure I was seeing him through rose-tinted spectacles, but some of the worst traits, which are really now at the fore, were, muted I guess.

I'm don't know the true catalyst for him now reverting/regressing and I know it doesn't matter, but you can't help gnawing at it like a bone, can you?

Working on the premise that what he told me is true, he's been in a bad headspace. Depressed, no job, getting older, had a health scare. Now he has a job, it's pretty shit in many ways, and I think he is scared. No other jobs on the horizon, and potentially too old to be attractive to potential employers. Perhaps with a sense that his visions of regained glory, jobwise & financewise are not going to happen.

He is alone, no network of friends, with plenty of time to wallow in self-pity. A couple of old friends have also recently died, which is terribly sad, and perhaps really given him a sense of his own mortality.

Being on loved, familiar territory, perhaps with the possibility of reconnecting with someone familiar, from a simpler time, I can see the attraction in some ways. The realisation that he's perhaps never going to be that person, never going to have that life that he wanted in many ways.

Far easier to blame the marriage, blame me and shut everything off in favour of a new (old) life. He doesn't have to feel any sense of failure, as he has nothing there to remind him of his old life. The fact he doesn't want anything from here beyond paperwork and a couple of family items, would seem to back that up.

Of course it could always be that he's felt trapped for a while, and now has the wherewithal to leave, which the timings could bear out.

Or that being alone, which he's never been good at, has made the 'headturning' much easier.

Or perhaps bits of all of them.

Some of the things he's said and done over the past few weeks certainly make me believe he's not been honest.

There were times when I wasn't happy, when I wondered if I'd be better off leaving. But on reflection I always decided they were not dealbreakers, and had faith in our 'unit', our 'team'. Which was strengthened by his spoken faith and enjoyment of it. We were down, but not defeated.

And I was so sodding excited by what this job meant for us. It was proving bloody hard, but we were working hard towards something that was going to be so much better. And it is so, so upsetting that - at best - he just didn't have the guts, the faith, to ride it out. That he let his self-absorption and sheer selfishness get in the way.

There is no point in any of this introspection, I know, but I think it is helping to keep getting it all out there.

Why do i feel a million times worse today? Is it because the actual, hard reality is taking hold?

Have boxed up some of his stuff, and have just been engaging in some very civilised texts about some bills etc. It does need sorting, and I know nothing will be achieved by phoning him, but I can't help but feel I'm making it all to easy for him.

He has left me with all the shit to sort, all the head work of being here for dd & ds and everything else and it it so, so not fair.

I want to scream and throw things.

I didn't think I could get more broken

Bunnies, hang on in there. I am on my way back home on the train after a weekend with my Mum with her analysing what has happened, bless her. I feel terrible. No contact for almost 2 weeks. I have been left with an unexpected mess to resolve on my own, while he lounges in his bachelor pad. All of us women on receiving end of this treatment go through the same emotions on different days. Screaming and throwing things are normal reactions. Let it wash over you and breathe.

And what Zaphod said too. They take their dysfunctional selves with them. The refusal to talk about their feelings, the narcissistic reactions, the closed up natures. They are superior beings in their minds so they struggle with learning and developing. Their loss, our pain, for a while.

Yes, utter tossers.

And of course in a conversation last week about how he cares for me, but would leave it to me to make contact as he didn't want to make things harder for me, bla-di-bla, when in reality of course that's just another way of opting out and leaving me to deal with the utter shit.

How kind and caring.

And I just want to phone him and rage at him and make him see what an utter, utter bastard he is being. But I know that will only make me feel worse, and won't make any difference to him.

Seeing counsellor tomorrow night, which will hopefully be a good outlet.

I have just told another friend, one I haven't been in contact with very much lately but I just feel the need to talk about it a bit.

Bastard, barstardy bastardface.

Write it all down. But don't send it. I found this helpful to get my emotions out.

I found e mails better for communicating unless you need an instant answer. This way you can manage his contact with you. I feel more at ease if his name isn't in my most recent calls:text list. And I open my e mails when I feel able to deal with him.

Rest when you need to. Eat little an often if you can. It is good you have the counselling lined up. It help me get my thoughts in order.