Some friendly words - part 2. It's over.

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

First of all I wanted to apologise to the lovely people who were so supportive on my original thread. I had it deleted because I had a weird 'outing' experience, but it doesn't matter now because this evening I had the phone call telling me it was definitely over.

I thought we had been making some progress trying to work things out, but no, it's done.

22 years destroyed in the space of a few months.

In his words, something just switched off. Which is nice.

I don't believe there is an OW, but I suspect there may well be shortly.

Moving away for a job, living in the village he grew up in which he had never wanted to leave originally, and where he now feels more at home than he has done in years. And yes, he did say that, although he did apologise when I pointed out that didn't make me feel super wonderful.

Too much time alone, too much time to dwell and gnaw at all the little things that weren't quite right, all the little niggles, and BOOM suddenly he's able to completely shut, bolt and nail the door up behind him,

And I am just broken. I know I am strong, I know I can get through this, but blimey, it is just, pain.

It seems such a dreadful waste. Ironically, if he hadn't got this job earlier in the year, we may well have been in Las Vegas now, celebrating 20 years of marriage, which is somewhere I'd always wanted to go, and we were going to splurge, irregardless of our not terribly healthy finances.

I just did not see this coming. I still believe our niggles, issues etc were eminently fixable. But fixing them needed someone who was present. And he evidently hasn't been for the past few months.

It seems to have happened very quickly in his head. There was a catalyst of moving within the village 2 months ago at which point it's like a light went out.

So we never had a chance really, he never said how he was feeling because there doesn't seem to have been a period of doubt, just love one day, nothing the next.

Have to work out how to tell the children (well, young adults).

As is so often the case, the one person I would turn to, talk to, the one person I could rely on to have my back, to make me feel better just by being there...is the very person who has broken me.

Of course I still love him. He's been my love, my person, my best friend for all this time, and to lose all of those is horrifying.

We 'got' each other so much, on so many levels just not having that is more than I feel I can bear. I feel like I'm bursting out of my skin.

When he first told me how he felt, and then when we were talking so I wasn't sure, but hoped there was a chance, I thought that limbo was bad, and actually knowing might feel better. It doesn't.

If anyone is there, please could you spare a moment.

I am very lucky, I have some wonderful friends, but at the moment I just can't go to bed and I feel, just, horrible.

Thank you

CBT I'm doing it. But I'm not getting alot from it to be honest. I already understand where my feelings are coming from and why I'm in pain.. its says to live in the presence which is all I can do . Day by day, a different emotion a day. Not crying as much which is gud must be the Ads. Concentration has increased I'm just procastinating now. I shouldn't waste the time I have at the moment and get me jobs I've been wanting to do for years done. Trying to complete an application form today it was like do they wanna know my bra size. .

Sorry everyone is having tough days but good to see all the support on here too. What a lovely bunch of women! Stay strong!

My good news (which is still sinking in) is that I have a job offer! It's the job I really wanted so I'm glad I didn't bother wasting my time with more applications now. It is extra important to me because I am currently in business with H so it means that I can start to extricate myself from that, be financially independent and truly build an independent new life. I just need to go through the reference checks etc before they offer me a contract. Fingers crossed all will be well (should be!) then I can celebrate properly 🎉

Have you read the book about one thought changes everything ? It may help you. This may help in low times . Also I am sure you have tried but oils and a herbal pill called kira. I do find these help.

I understand how the objective aspect could impact...what does she say ? Realism is not always easy.

I am unsure if there is another women in our circumstance .... I think maybe there is . How do you even deal with that ? You are so strong. I think that will come next hence my prep to distance fully.

He wrote on our bucket list tonight - spend lots of time with children , finnish jobs in house if allowed ( own gain for his woodwork course ).Increase earnings - wow but the last two years he has worked 3 days and done hardly anything !!!

This is AMAZING well done you deserve this ! I am so proud and happy for you x

What is the role ?

@ThelmaAndLouise2020.
Absolute great news really chuffed for ya. Well done.

Thanks everyone 😊 thanks for being interested @Tinydancer123 but I'm going to keep quiet about what it is because otherwise I will out myself! It's just something that should work well with looking after DS but also be interesting.

Fantastic news . So glad 😍🤗🤗😍🤗

@ThelmaAndLouise2020, that is such brilliant news. Many, many congratulations. 🍾 🥳 🎉. You deserve this reward for your hard work. All is going to be well, you will be financially independent, and your new life is going to be fantastic. I am so pleased for you. Enjoy the moment. x

Bigpooh13, these application forms are so difficult to fill in, aren’t they. But look at what you are doing. You are looking for a job! This is the same person who felt hopeless a few weeks ago. It doesn’t matter how much crying you do, you are looking for a job. I procrastinate too. It’s natural. I’ll let you know how I get on with the CBT after Monday.

@Tinydancer123, thanks for the advice. A thought does make all the difference, and I think that’s the point behind CBT, but we will see. The realism is necessary but hard to take. I’m not sure that we can ever deal with OW rationally. I know I’m not. Your are wise to prepare yourself. That doesn’t sound so much of a bucket list but more a list of what good fathers do for their families as a matter of course! I like the dig about ‘if allowed’. A touch of self-pity there. You’ve obviously been standing in front of him preventing him from doing the jobs that needed doing. How obstructive of you! I’ve been doing the jobs myself, in half the time and without the moaning that would have gone on if he’d been doing them. You’ve got to laugh haven’t you.

Have a good night everyone. Look forward to more good news tomorrow. Xxxx

Made me laugh he never does jobs now he wants too 😂😍🤣 Weird part of me feels like making a list but ..... I need to do this myself.
So I am going to move my bedroom to the smaller room and let my son have the biger room . Going to decorate both childrens rooms . I have no idea how I will move the huge oak king or the wardrobe, but I thought if I start with the wallpaper . These are my plans 😍

Oh yeah, the anger ! I too told my counsellor that I day dreamed about killing him ! Just an idle thought that I could put something in his food as he already has health issues. But I know I would be the prime suspect ! Shocking to say that aloud but she said it was a desire to never having to deal with him ever again.
She also said anger is lashing out because of how deeply hurt I am.

The atmosphere is OK here. I am learning to not constantly throw accusations at him. Does no good , so why upset myself.

Because if this , he seems to think there may be hope of reconciliation. To be honest , sometimes even I think how some of my life would be better. And I miss the sex.But there is SO much to overcome and his behaviour was unforgivable.
And if you can't forgive , it would never work, would it?

You here know the background , any thoughts ?

And Thelma So happy for you on the job front. Be proud of yourself .

Morning everyone. Late start today as I had a weight training session first. 💪

@Stillfunny, good to hear from you. I’m pleased that I’m not the only one with murderous feelings. I’m also pleased that you know what the consequences would be - a true crime TV series! Your counsellor is wise - you want him gone from your life.

Only you know whether you can reconcile, but it looks as if you have answered your own question. It’s good to be honest about how you feel (I feel the same sometimes). Do you want to be here again in 2, 3, 5 years? You would be asking a lot of yourself to completely forgive beating in mind the circumstances of your situation. Women and men find it hard to forgive where there has been a kiss, or a one night stand. It wouldn’t work for me but everyone is different. Perhaps talk to your counsellor about how you feel. I know what chumplady would say!

@Tinydancer123, you are really epic!

@ThelmaAndLouise2020, hope the great job news has sunk in now.

@Bigpooh13, morning and hope you are working on those job applications.

@simply4help, how are you doing?

@SoTiredTonight, hope you are resting and feeling better.

@ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies, hope all is ok with you and that progress is being made in whichever direction. We will need you to start a new thread soon - Part 3.

You are all doing so well. I admire you.
Having a low time this morning. Which wasn't helped by seeing his car at his daughters around the corner from me. I feel completely abandoned now the hoovering has stopped and he isnt contacting me at all. I really thought we would get back together but I knew it wouldn't work as how hes treated me and I couldnt trust him again. It's a dream that's not gonna happen as hes not the same person. Sometimes it works for other couples but it's alot of hard work both of you have to put in.

@Bigpooh13, I admire you. You can’t see it but you are doing so well too. Remember that you are not being contacted by a fool who has given up his stable relationship to be with someone he divorced before. That’s very foolish. He will have taken all the problems from the first time round back into the revived relationship. Unless he’s had a lot of therapy which I guess he hasn’t. It wouldn’t be a dream to get back together again, but a nightmare. You can do better than this. A suggestion. Make a list of three things you can do when you feel low. The list is ready and waiting for the hard times, pick one thing and do it. I might paint my nails tonight as I am at home this weekend.

Stay tough!

@Stillfunny, I had a mental slip above when I referred to ‘beating’ instead of ‘bearing’. I don’t condone murder, wishing people dead, or violence. 😀

Thanks @SuperbMonkey and @Stillfunny  it has not quite sunk in, even now. I do feel proud of myself but I also feel like a stranger to myself if that makes sense.

It's the best news and I know it will be the start of better things but it is also triggering feelings of loss and change. I have to be honest with myself that I am still grieving and I have to let it run its course I suppose. I've cried more today than I have done in weeks. It was triggered by a text conversation with H earlier which just opened the flood gates. I hope it passes soon but it really seems to have settled in and I'm struggling to shake it off. H is pressurising me to be "friends" but I feel murderous (yep, me too) towards his OW/GF & triggered whenever he talks about "we", so how can be friends? I know it's not fair to direct my murderous thoughts primarily at her (he is the one that has hurt me) but it's just how I feel.

I hope I can get this out of my system today and aim for a better day tomorrow!

Well done on the weight training @SuperbMonkey ! 💪

@ThelmaAndLouise2020, thank you. I’m going to try to do parkrun tomorrow for the first time in ages.

Texts are so triggering. I felt better after crying through my counselling yesterday. However I have something to do today that I know will upset me. A friend is going to help and I can cry on her shoulder but I would rather not cry at all. Why does he want to be ‘friends’ apart from the usual need for attention? Why would you want to be friends with a liar and a cheat (that’s what I tell myself).? You don’t have to censor your thoughts as long as you don’t act on them which you won’t. Have you told him about the job?

You are so Mighty, and picky about your friends!!

Just jumping on to say hi and sending lots of love 😚😍😍😍. I cannot even imagine the "We" or how you are feeling.
However here if you need to vent , cry and say awful things !

It really is good advice reference the three good things !!

I fear it will be very soon that the "we " hits me ....and hence I am checking out as much as possible prior to the announcment of the OW.

I made a parent care plan and going to look at how everything is split x

I'm thinking 3 gud things. Superb advice again.
I couldn't do the friends thing too hurtful, listening to him talk about his new life with The Heap. I think hes changed his mind about being friends now due to solicitors and money which is what it boils down to .

My really bad thing is that I still wish he had died rather than do this to me. See that's bad.

Oh deary me, I can hardly keep up with all your posts and not having replied to anything in a few days. I feel really bad about it. It’s difficult to go over do many posts on the phone... I will try to skim over everything again and make sense in any response I might post. Please bear in mind that I might comment on something you said a couple of days ago!

@ThelmaAndLouise2020
Yes, those nightmares are draining, and leave me feeling so confused when I wake up, sometimes for hours. Really hate it. Hope your getting at least some restful sleep? x

@Tinydancer123 I am absolutely certain that you are both an awesome teacher AND a fantastic mum! It sounds as though you are being very hard on yourself at the moment; please do give yourself some slack! You do not sound to me as though you could ever be a rubbish mum, concern for your DCs speaks through all your posts! xx

@SuperbMonkey Anger is good!!! That’s your Warrior Woman trying to break free! You have a voice, use it! If you need to scream and rant and rave, DO! Do you not find the rage easier to deal with than the pain? I’d prefer it any day to be honest!
Apart from the anger, I’m sorry to hear that you are also going through the tearful phases. I think those are the worst. And they come uninvited and often at unexpected times. Seemingly out of the blue. Although I know there’s usually something that triggers it. A memory, a sight, a word, a smell! Smells are difficult for me for some reason. At times they can almost break me.
Don’t forget, you are utterly amazing! xxx

@Bigpooh13 I’m sorry you’re having such a difficult time. Numbness is crap. Although I think it’s a self preservation thing when the pain otherwise would be too overwhelming. We sort of just shut ourselves off. Do you read? I find it really helpful to read about why I feel the way I do, alongside the counselling I’m having. If you find CBT doesn’t work for you, maybe tell them? There are so many other approaches to counselling/therapies.
And having experienced the hoovering (and it then phasing out/stopping) in a previous relationship, I can relate to the emptiness you must be feeling. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, especially if you had hoped for reconciliation. Sending you a big hug! x

@ThelmaAndLouise2020 Fantastic need on the jobfront, congratulations!

@Wineisafruit Wow, things really are moving for you! You are a strong woman!!! Hope the viewing went well? xx