Some friendly words - part 2. It's over.

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

First of all I wanted to apologise to the lovely people who were so supportive on my original thread. I had it deleted because I had a weird 'outing' experience, but it doesn't matter now because this evening I had the phone call telling me it was definitely over.

I thought we had been making some progress trying to work things out, but no, it's done.

22 years destroyed in the space of a few months.

In his words, something just switched off. Which is nice.

I don't believe there is an OW, but I suspect there may well be shortly.

Moving away for a job, living in the village he grew up in which he had never wanted to leave originally, and where he now feels more at home than he has done in years. And yes, he did say that, although he did apologise when I pointed out that didn't make me feel super wonderful.

Too much time alone, too much time to dwell and gnaw at all the little things that weren't quite right, all the little niggles, and BOOM suddenly he's able to completely shut, bolt and nail the door up behind him,

And I am just broken. I know I am strong, I know I can get through this, but blimey, it is just, pain.

It seems such a dreadful waste. Ironically, if he hadn't got this job earlier in the year, we may well have been in Las Vegas now, celebrating 20 years of marriage, which is somewhere I'd always wanted to go, and we were going to splurge, irregardless of our not terribly healthy finances.

I just did not see this coming. I still believe our niggles, issues etc were eminently fixable. But fixing them needed someone who was present. And he evidently hasn't been for the past few months.

It seems to have happened very quickly in his head. There was a catalyst of moving within the village 2 months ago at which point it's like a light went out.

So we never had a chance really, he never said how he was feeling because there doesn't seem to have been a period of doubt, just love one day, nothing the next.

Have to work out how to tell the children (well, young adults).

As is so often the case, the one person I would turn to, talk to, the one person I could rely on to have my back, to make me feel better just by being there...is the very person who has broken me.

Of course I still love him. He's been my love, my person, my best friend for all this time, and to lose all of those is horrifying.

We 'got' each other so much, on so many levels just not having that is more than I feel I can bear. I feel like I'm bursting out of my skin.

When he first told me how he felt, and then when we were talking so I wasn't sure, but hoped there was a chance, I thought that limbo was bad, and actually knowing might feel better. It doesn't.

If anyone is there, please could you spare a moment.

I am very lucky, I have some wonderful friends, but at the moment I just can't go to bed and I feel, just, horrible.

Thank you

Thank you @SuperbMonkey. I had intended to 'catch up' with everyone else individually, but am too tired now.

So that will be an epically long post tomorrow!

Much love all

xx

Good night all and thanks everyone who has posted. I always look forward to hearing from you all. Had a crazy busy day today and didn’t sleep much last night, so I’m just checking in briefly as I desperately need my beauty sleep. Tomorrow will be a long day too but I will try to write a longer post. Hope you all sleep well and wake up feeling positive! Much love to you all. xxx

Had another counselling session today. Between her and this thread , I am coping well. And to all who are at the beginning of this journey , I never thought I could . If I can do it , so can you.
Like so many of us , over the past year , my life , my mind , my body has been in freefall. And it is terrifying to have no control.
So yes, I relate to the constant crying, not sleeping, a physical pain in your heart , despair and even, in my case suicidal thoughts.
I would look at threads , had one under another username , and time and time again, women would say , Yes , I understand, it happened to me. And most would say I got through it and my life is OK and sometimes even better.
Take heart , all of you.

@SoTiredTonight and @Stillfunny, morning. I hope you both had a good sleep. Crazy busy days sound good. I’ve got one today, so this will be brief.

The counselling sounds so positive Stillfunny. Do you ever wish that you’d thought about doing it years ago?

The messages from both of you are kind and encouraging. It’s funny how reading some friendly words (as per @ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies original thread title) makes so much difference. I feel as if someone else has got my back and I’m not so alone.

Have a good day everyone, and catch up later xx

Back on here to say that I cannot believe how many women there are on other threads going through the same thing. More of them today. It seems to be an epidemic.

Morning everyone, I hope you had good sleep? Mine was pretty rough as I woke in the middle of the night after a horrific nightmare I'm annoyed more than anything because I am doing so much to prioritise getting quality sleep (without it I know my anxiety takes over and the world looks like a very scary and dark plac).

I just wanted to reiterate what has already been said (far more eloquently!) by others, I look forward to checking this thread and I take such comfort from sharing and reading updates from everyone (not just the upbeat ones, the sad ones too - because we recognise it, we have lived through those feelings or are still living through them, even when things seem on the up sad times still hit us all). I am mostly taking the "fake it til you make it" approach! I did t think I would get past the agony stage but I have and it is such a relief.

I had quite a mixed weekend which I am still trying to process. It's so difficult trying to adjust to the new normal isn't it but I'm not giving myself a hard time for finding it hard. It's just over 5 months since H left and after 19 years together it's still early days. I am getting much better at just being kind to myself and letting things go if I can (less unhealthy rumination). I have never looked after myself (physically and mentally) as well as I have done these last few months. I am actually enjoying putting myself first and discovering I can cope with this (I think perhaps I am starting to accept it?).

Wishing you all a good day

Hi all . Read all of your messages . I feel your pain.
19 years , 2 children he left me last night but told me two weeks ago.
Currently in bed crying..... alot. Lonely and sad.

@ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies I can't begin to tell you how grateful I am for your concern and sharing your most deepest feelings of despair and the journey you are on
I have to say that in the 7mths since he left for me it has gone from bad to worse and worse I can hardly see what I am writing for the tears that are constantly flowing from my eyes my health is deteriorating faster but my heart oh my heart I just can't bare it anymore why oh why can't this be over
I struggle so much trying to find carers to come on almost a 24/7 bases so tired yet don't sleep can't even think about eating
My situation was not a good one when he was here but this is impossible for me if only he could see what he has done and also if I could know why he has done it
I have tried to do things to help me but it just makes no difference even things that did help are gone now I am so very scared like a child who is lost I am fearful as this will not be able to continue this way
@SuperbMonkey what can I say your PM's have meant so much just knowing what you have told me helped with what had happened to me. It is utter despair eating me up darkness terrified of time alone knowing I have no way and no where to go, run, to hide away.
again forgive my words of misery xxxx

@Tinydancer123, I’m on a train but didn’t want to read and run. Where you are right now is the worst. It gets better in tiny, tiny steps from now on. I thought that there was no hope on day 1. I ran away to friends (no children) and wept for 3 days. I called the Samaritans. My family was distraught. It was truly, truly horrific. My weight dropped by over a stone. I didn’t sleep. What you feel is normal. Go with the flow, reach out to people, try to eat soup, drink hot sweet tea. How old are your children? Others in our band of Warrior Women will be here soon with support. xx

Thank you.
I do not even want coffee. I feel hopeless empty.
I am a teacher but have had the flu so been off .... I do not want to move from my bed. See anyone , not that I really have anyone here to see . He took our children to school he was very happy .... I stayed in bed . They are 6 and 10 do not even feel I can be a mum right now.

@ThelmaAndLouise2020, how was the run? Do you do parkrun? Nightmares are horrible. The world looks really scary without enough sleep. I find that if I am upset I am probably tired too. It’s so good that you are post agony. I’m not there yet. We are the same length of time in. Weekends with not much planned are a struggle. But jobs are falling behind at home. Yours are very eloquent, comforting words. I think I am reaching acceptance and then he stirs me up with his hoovering because he’s worried his needs aren’t being met. I’ve done what I have to do on that to get more control over the situation. I’m missing half of Freedom Project today because I had another interview. Not hopeful on this one. Lots of competition. I think I need to do more self-care. I’m being unforgiving of myself at present. I just don’t think he will explain his actions in a way that makes you feel better.

@simply4help, well done for posting. Post here as much as you want to. Someone will be along to say hello. I don’t know what else to suggest except a kind, listening ear or two.

@Tinydancer123, that’s good, you’re a teacher so scope for distraction. Of course you don’t feel that you can be a Mum right now, but that will change. This stage does not last. Once he has gone you can get into a routine, be back at work, and life will get easier. Coffee will keep you awake. What about some weak, sweet tea for the shock, or even warm water? Come back here when you need to.

Thank you.
Just so many questions . The questions torment me .
Yes my job allows focus and when at work it helps . The children also help but I am in no state to be a great mum right now.
I brought them a cake to make ....then realised ironically it is mil birthday Friday do we make cake for her... then the tears again . The family party that I will not attend. The time he will have the children and I will be alone in a place I have never called home.
Sadly it has to be home because job wise and school wise this is the best place.
Hoovering ?

@simply4help you sound like you are doing so well. Well done with health ! I have lost weight in the last week and look a wreck. It is good you are healing, it gives me hope. I am 19 years with my partner who left.... so hard .

@Tinydancer123, I’m home now, so have read your posts. ‘Hoovering’ is when somebody who is a narcissist or has narcissistic traits, tries to ‘hoover’ the person they discarded back in to give them attention, by texts, emails, letters, turning up at the house and so on. The narcissist doesn’t want the person and doesn’t care whether the attention is negative or positive. What they want is the attention and to feel that they are controlling the relationship. Controlling people, who are not narcissists, do the same or similar. My H is very strong on narcissistic traits (to be kind to him). He doesn’t want me but wants to control how I am able to live my life.

I believe that you should make the cake for yourselves! Your H can sort out a cake for his mother, if he can be troubled to do so. The fact that you bought a cake to make shows that you are able to be a Mum right now. It will be hard when the children are with him. It’s also an opportunity for you to make this place home for you and the children, even though it isn’t where you want to be. I was married for 18 years and together for 26. I know how hard this is, and that there are lots of questions you want answering. Right now it’s raw and hurting. Just go with that. You need some space from him to get your head straight. Seeing him cheerful isn’t going to help you. Have you got friends who you can call to spend some time with you this evening? I appreciate that you might not as you have moved to a new area. I guess that your family are far away too. What about someone from school who you trust? I appreciate that you will not want to tell people. It makes it seem real and you will worry that it will make things awkward if he changes his mind. At this stage you will feel that to be important. I felt the same. You need to reach out to someone in real life. What about a neighbour? I was so ashamed to tell mine, but there was no need for me to be. They have been amazing.

My sister told me that I was stronger than I thought I was. I didn’t believe her, and I often still don’t. Every now and then though I feel strong. That will happen for you too. Don’t try to eat this elephant all in one mouthful because it will choke you. Nibble the end of the tail by making the cake and progress a tiny piece at a time. This applies to @simply4help too.

xx

Thank you so much for of the advice !
What hoovering did you have ?

I believe I have had hoovering today. He will always try and hoover ! He is telling family it is mutual the split ? and then trying to get me to now go to a family meal as friends ?!

He also called 4 x last night and when ignored him he exploded with rage, that I was depriving him of speaking to the children. I was in bed ! One call was 930pm.
I also believe my husband is a narcissist.

No not really neighbour wise/ friends . To be honest I feel people are bored of us , and he is so charming they think it is me. His behaviour makes me look irrational , crazy. Totally relate reference if he changes his mind but also listing it all is such a reflection on how weak I am.

@Tinydancer123, emails, texts, and such. It sounds as if you were hoovered too. He is lying to his family because it makes him appear better in their eyes. It’s called image management. If the split was mutual then he can’t be blamed. You can, of course, tell his family the truth. I don’t believe that you should go to the dinner unless it is in the best interests of the children for you to be present. Realistically it is going to be hard for you to hold it together as his ‘friend’. He is using you as part of the image and wants everyone to see that you are accepting of the split. I wouldn’t play that game unless I could see a clear benefit to my children and me.

The calls are hoovering. Exploding with rage is inappropriate. Using the children to blackmail you is inappropriate. If you look at something called the Freedom Programme you will see that this sort of behaviour is exhibited by abusive men:

freedomprogramme.co.uk/

You might find a course near you. It is free of charge and you will meet other women dealing with the same situation. I find it helpful.

Don’t make assumptions about what your neighbours think. I believed that mine liked my husband who is also very charming in public and used to be charming to me when he loved me. The neighbours rallied round me. If they see him they don’t speak to him.

You are not weak! You are 2 weeks and a couple of days in. Your confidence has taken a huge knock. The real you is in there and will emerge again when things settle down. Don’t be hard on yourself. Part of the image management is to make you look crazy. Mine has done the same and I am entirely sane.

Stay strong xx

Thank you so very much . I really am thankful for the advice and I apologise that I am not very helpful to you 😣
How long have you been apart ?
How do you feel now ?

I very much doubt his mother would listen she is very much part of his issue. I do not want to upset anyone but equally I see no reason for me being present. It creates a false illusion for our children. Of course there is part of me that wishes to go , because I guess it feels normal, however equally to then come home as a three not four will destroy me.
I also wonder if he just wants a taxi .

I feel the best way forward is distance myself if I go , it allows control.

However to be honest I have no idea how I should act , what I should be doing . I feel like his character traits are so awful and confusing . He seems to not careless about my wellbeing, even though I am the mother of his children. Do I pull myself together and act like I do not care ? Honestly I feel like he always has the upper hand.

@Tinydancer123. You are helpful to me and everyone else on this thread. It helps us to help others in the same situation. I have learnt from all the others on here and I will learn from you too. We have been separated for nearly 5 months. I have not seen or spoken to him for over 3 months. I feel sad, and often I feel scared of the future and of what he has become. Sometimes I feel excited for what the future will look like. I am regaining confidence for activities like driving which is great. I am starting to look at life differently. I have made new friends. Often I am lonely.

Only you can decide whether to go to the family dinner. You will make the right decision for you and your children. You act as if you care about yourself and the children. He is not your concern now. Invest the love you invested in him and looking after his needs in looking after your own needs. That’s a win win for you. Xx

Morning everyone. How’s everyone doing?

Morning. Everyone. I wish hope n hugs to you all. Most difficult time ever. I rely on these posts to keep me going.
I m not sure why iam at the moment. Hes stopped contact and gone back on everything he said he wasnt gonna do. I'm still not fully accepted this after the way hes been with me and all our plans.
Ive so busy keeping myself occupied I'm worn out. I've lost so much and feel abandoned. 24/7 on my own.
I too have found comfort with the samaritans and would recommend them.
Give me a kick up the bum please.

@Bigpooh13 what has happened ?
Here if you need anything.

This is a horrible place to be.

I'm trying to rise above being miserable. I'm going to job centre again to try for any benefits which will be a waste of time as my house is classed as capital and as I worked for him not paid NI . The constant worry over no money.
Nothing has happened in particular . That's the problem nothing has happened. Dealing his narssiciam now as hes started the devaluation.

Some one used the word I've always called him . A twat. It was our joke hes a twat but he was my twat.
I've applied for jobs. But nothing yet.
I'm normally very happy n up beat and laid back n just get on with it. So gotta find myself again.

*simply4help I am not sure what would be available in your area, but is there any Disability organisations near you? I have worked in this field and they sometimes have funds for individuals like yourself . And they made be able to advocate for you to help your situation. It mightg be possible for you to have a PA assigned to help you . Alternatively, are you a member of any faith ? Church groups often have volunteers that could pick op some of the slack.

Very worrying to hear how many of us will be struggling financially. I do so regret that I am unable to be independent at this moment. But never thought at 58 and 30 years married that if would ever brd an issue.

So well done to those who are putting themselves out there in the workplace.

Hi Everyone
Today I am so ashamed to say that if I could contact my H I would
beg him to come home how bad is that
It feels like whatever life would be like with him would still be so much better than this sheer hell I am in.
You are all so strong & determined to get through your horrendous experiences I really am ashamed of myself for even thinking this
but given the chance I know I would.
Sorry xxxx

Morning @Stillfunny could you do any work from home ?. I know there is not a great deal in it but I have heard of surveys and things . Also moderating in schools pays not too badly ? With GCSEs coming up.
Please do not be sad there is always a way xx