Some friendly words - part 2. It's over.

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

First of all I wanted to apologise to the lovely people who were so supportive on my original thread. I had it deleted because I had a weird 'outing' experience, but it doesn't matter now because this evening I had the phone call telling me it was definitely over.

I thought we had been making some progress trying to work things out, but no, it's done.

22 years destroyed in the space of a few months.

In his words, something just switched off. Which is nice.

I don't believe there is an OW, but I suspect there may well be shortly.

Moving away for a job, living in the village he grew up in which he had never wanted to leave originally, and where he now feels more at home than he has done in years. And yes, he did say that, although he did apologise when I pointed out that didn't make me feel super wonderful.

Too much time alone, too much time to dwell and gnaw at all the little things that weren't quite right, all the little niggles, and BOOM suddenly he's able to completely shut, bolt and nail the door up behind him,

And I am just broken. I know I am strong, I know I can get through this, but blimey, it is just, pain.

It seems such a dreadful waste. Ironically, if he hadn't got this job earlier in the year, we may well have been in Las Vegas now, celebrating 20 years of marriage, which is somewhere I'd always wanted to go, and we were going to splurge, irregardless of our not terribly healthy finances.

I just did not see this coming. I still believe our niggles, issues etc were eminently fixable. But fixing them needed someone who was present. And he evidently hasn't been for the past few months.

It seems to have happened very quickly in his head. There was a catalyst of moving within the village 2 months ago at which point it's like a light went out.

So we never had a chance really, he never said how he was feeling because there doesn't seem to have been a period of doubt, just love one day, nothing the next.

Have to work out how to tell the children (well, young adults).

As is so often the case, the one person I would turn to, talk to, the one person I could rely on to have my back, to make me feel better just by being there...is the very person who has broken me.

Of course I still love him. He's been my love, my person, my best friend for all this time, and to lose all of those is horrifying.

We 'got' each other so much, on so many levels just not having that is more than I feel I can bear. I feel like I'm bursting out of my skin.

When he first told me how he felt, and then when we were talking so I wasn't sure, but hoped there was a chance, I thought that limbo was bad, and actually knowing might feel better. It doesn't.

If anyone is there, please could you spare a moment.

I am very lucky, I have some wonderful friends, but at the moment I just can't go to bed and I feel, just, horrible.

Thank you

Just popping by to send you all love and hugs. Even though we don't know each other in RL, you are all in my thoughts.

My DS is with H for first time in a month so I've been keeping myself busy. Had intended on watching a film tonight but got carried away with chores and now it's too late!! I'm going running in the morning then hopefully meeting a friend in the afternoon so I still have nice things planned.

I still feel sad and if I let myself dwell too much I know I could easily end up in a crying heap wasting my time, so I keep on reminding myself about all the crap I no longer have to put up with from H (he's still very demanding though! I need to work on enforcing my boundaries with him but until I have a new job this is still very blurred because we have a business together). Anyway, I feel a bit more in control of my sadness if that makes sense? I'm determined to keep my dignity intact and be able to look back in this and think I coped well and did my best for my DS (and me).

Wishing you all a good night's sleep x

@Bigpooh13, @Stillfunny, @SoTiredTonight, @ThelmaAndLouise2020, and everyone else interested in this thread. I have been AWOL enjoying a milestone birthday with friends. It has been different from my usual birthday celebrations but I have had a good time. 🍷 and 🎂 were involved.

I sense that the Warrior Women have been having a mixed bag of a weekend. However everyone has made it through so far. The suede, veggie, vegan, ethically sourced suits are standing up to the strain. They might need a wash or a bit of dry cleaning. Boundaries are the key thing. They need to be defended with dignity. It is so hard for those of you with children because of the level of contact required. Contact sets us up to be disappointed by the response. I say this from the perspective of being pestered for not having answered texts. It’s my birthday weekend, I’m going to have fun! Please remember that you did not cause the present chaos, he did. You have an obligation to do the best for yourself and any children, not to work for him and his interests.

Sleep well, and tomorrow is another, better, day xx

@Bigpooh13, just wanted to add that you sound so determined on the job hunting. I really believe that the job is out there waiting and that it will change your life completely.

@ThelmaAndLouise2020, a fellow runner! I hope you get good news on the job front soon. xx

Happy Birthday @SuperbMonkey 🎉 sounds like a lovely weekend so far, I'm glad to hear you're having a good time.

Yes, I'm a runner too 🙂 I never used to be but I did the couch to 5k training app last year and now I love it. It has truly saved my sanity these last few months. I'd better get ready for this morning's run!

@ThelmaAndLouise2020, thanks and enjoy the run. I’ve let my running slide in all my chaos carnage. Time to make a plan xx

Happy Birthday @SuperbMonkey, it’s good to hear that you’re enjoying your BD weekend!
Enjoy your rund ladies or whatever else you’re up to today! xx

@SoTiredTonight, thank you so much. I am still having a lovely time. Heading home soon. xx

It is my best friends birthday today too. Will try to see her today with a special gift as she has been so supportive. As have you Superbmonkey.
Hope all have a good day today.

Happy birthday.

@Stillfunny and @Bigpooh13, thank you.

Still, your friend is a fellow Aquarian. I’m sure she will appreciate the special gift.

Big, how are you doing?

@ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies, are you ok and having a good week? Time for a Sunday update.

Have a great day. xx

Just had the world‘s longest bath and feeling a bit more motivated now. I have so much admin stuff to do today for a course I’m doing, finding it difficult to get my thinking head on, and then work again tomorrow... Household stuff might have to wait!

@SoTiredTonight, that sounds very nourishing! I’m on my way home from birthday weekend before going to a friend’s house tonight for dinner. Then I must face the coming week with all my guts and determination as it is going to be challenging. I am feeling scared but I know that I have to get on with things or it will all become worse.

Still can’t believe that this is my new normal, but that’s what it is.

🍫 and 🍷 will be needed, and they’re both good for me aren’t they ...

@Superb As I am sure you have heard, both red wine and dark chocolate are meant to be good for the heart (at least that was said at some pint, it’s probably been changed again now). So I’d definitely say go for it!

You can worry about next week when you get there, for now it’s still your BD weekend and it sounds like you have more fun stuff planned. So just enjoy! 🍷🍫 🍷🍫🍷🍫

@SoTiredTonight, you are a very wise woman!! I am worrying when there is no need to worry right now. Thank you, because I was having a real wobble. xx

@SuperbMonkey Believe me, I am preaching to myself here too! To say that I don’t worry about things until I have to deal with them wouldn’t be strictly true, but I have learned to suppress them enough to not occupy my every waking thought. Not always the healthiest approach but I find it easier to deal with stressful situations that way.
Hope you’re enjoying having dinner made for you! xx

@SoTiredTonight, your post made me smile. I preach what I don’t practice all the time. No wonder my husband left me!

Dinner was lovely. I also heard that my STBXH has put in loads of weight. I smiled at that too.

Time for sleep. I hope everyone has a good one. Xx

Put on. Aargh!

Hi all.

So glad you celebrated your Big Birthday in what sounds like a very superb way @SuperbMonkey. Warmest birthday wishes to you. And hope next week is less stressful that you're imagining.

Loads of weight gain . Excellent.

My DH had grown a ridiculous goatee when I accidentally bumped into him last week. Hard to keep a straight face . Twat.

@Stillfunny your children sound the same age as mine. "Adults" but not really. So hard to know how to gauge it whilst he fuckwits about. Double twat.

@SoTiredTonight, I really don't think it's unhealthy to suppress til you feel ready to deal within the situation. Let's all suppress away til we can talk/plan on our terms. Triple twats/

Lordy
suddenly remembered the other meaning for twat.
Sorry all.
has been drunk.
x

@thegrassisgreenernow, thank you so much. I had a lovely time and feel refreshed ready to deal with real life.

He was in good shape when he left me. Must have been all the stress of being married to such an awful woman for such a long time. There’s no need to apologise for use of the t word on my account. My friends now call him by a variation of that word as they refuse to use his name. I would have giggled at a goatee 🤭. That’s definitely midlife crisis territory.

@SoTiredTonight, a bit of worry suppression never did anyone any harm.

My feelings today are mixed. I’m struggling to put a name to them. Sadness definitely, at the way he is continuing to behave. Anger at his blatant attempts to spoil my birthday. The control, the hoovering, the bullying are unpleasant. I can see clearly now that these personality traits were always there and that I turned a blind eye to them out of love. But upwards and onwards with the day. Have a good one.

for all of us today xx

Hello Everyone
You all sound so upbeat no matter what you are dealing with or about too
I myself no matter what seem unable to rise above my broken heart
and all that goes with it I have no one that I can ask about him i'm
struggling to find enough carers that can cover so much time here with me and also afford the costs involved I have had some information on my financial position but it's not good my situation is such that it's a lot of time to fund.
My days mostly consist of hurting so bad I can't bare the pain inside
I don't think it will ever stop this all adds to make my physical symptoms worse so as they say you can't win
When a carer is here I think I possibly drive them mad constantly being upset and whimpering on and on.
I feel like I don't want to wake but I do day after day this sounds awful and I'm sorry to you all for that
xxx

@simply4help, welcome back. There’s no need to apologise. I don’t think that we are necessarily upbeat. We are trying to put a brave face on things and we don’t always succeed. I don’t want my friends to talk about him, because it makes both them and me feel awkward. They are being used by him to keep secrets or pass on information to me, and that isn’t fair on them. I have never done that. It’s easier to limit contact when information isn’t being dropped into your ears.

I guess that you have been in touch with social services about carers. All I can do is say how sorry I am that you are in this position. I have certainly had days when I didn’t want to wake up, and I still have them. You do wake up though and you get through another day, bringing you nearer to being out the other side.

I have sent off what I had to send off to him. I am expecting a backlash but that in itself will be useful for me to come to terms with what I am dealing with. How did the man I loved become the man I am afraid of. I’ve got to keep feeling my Warrior Woman power.

Chins up xxxx

Once again you have expressed my feelings. I just feel so sad, lonely , betrayed just lost. Our Hs are acting the same way. I really struggle to understand why would they treat us like this.

@simply4help. I am so glad you came back. I can't offer any advice on your practical situation, I can only send wishes that you are able to get the help you need to make that side of things easier.

On the emotional side of things, I can only tell you how things have been for me, and hope that it might give you some reassurance and help a little.

This is all so new for you, your feelings are entirely natural. I am almost 3 months in. If you look at my earlier posts, I was in a terrible state. The pain was overwhelming. Like nothing I had ever experienced. I wanted to sleep and never wake up. I had never imagined that emotional pain could also hurt physically, but wow. I certainly learnt that.

In many ways I had it much easier than many people. The odd logistics of my situation mean that I don't have many of the practical worries. I have friends, work colleagues and family who give me support.

But this thread, these people I am sharing my journey with, I just can't begin to describe how much they have helped. They have been fundamental in making it possible for me to put on a brave face to the world, to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I'm not always honest in real life. I do sometimes 'cover up' and pretend. But here I can share ups and downs truthfully, with people who know what I'm talking about. Who get it.

It's a disparate bunch of warriors. Different counties, even countries, ages, circumstances and time travelled along this path. Often people say that posting on sites like this is just 'words on a screen', and not real. Well I can safely say that these words on a screen have given me so much support and comfort. It's a bit like a cloak of warmth surrounding me.

Celebrating the positives, big or small, commiserating when someone's particularly low, receiving encouragement and virtual hugs and handholds when needed has been, well, I don't think I would be in the position I am in now without it.

Please don't apologise for being so low. Post whatever or whenever you want or need. I hate that you are 'here', but I hope that you will be able to draw comfort from it.

@Bigpooh13, good to hear from you. It’s hard not to give them headspace isn’t it?

@simply4help, there is some really helpful sharing from @ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies. No one here will judge or tell you what you should be doing. It’s so good to be able to post when you feel like it and to honestly describe your mood. I couldn’t have managed without Bunnies’ brilliant thread here. It has lifted my mood, made me feel better when I’m sad, and given me hope. It’s all very hard but being here makes a difference. It’s better than therapy.

Bunnies, your post above is so lovely and caring. I’m sure it’s going to help. You sound as if you a good place right now, very calm. Long may it continue!

Love to everyone. and 💤