Some friendly words - part 2. It's over.

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

First of all I wanted to apologise to the lovely people who were so supportive on my original thread. I had it deleted because I had a weird 'outing' experience, but it doesn't matter now because this evening I had the phone call telling me it was definitely over.

I thought we had been making some progress trying to work things out, but no, it's done.

22 years destroyed in the space of a few months.

In his words, something just switched off. Which is nice.

I don't believe there is an OW, but I suspect there may well be shortly.

Moving away for a job, living in the village he grew up in which he had never wanted to leave originally, and where he now feels more at home than he has done in years. And yes, he did say that, although he did apologise when I pointed out that didn't make me feel super wonderful.

Too much time alone, too much time to dwell and gnaw at all the little things that weren't quite right, all the little niggles, and BOOM suddenly he's able to completely shut, bolt and nail the door up behind him,

And I am just broken. I know I am strong, I know I can get through this, but blimey, it is just, pain.

It seems such a dreadful waste. Ironically, if he hadn't got this job earlier in the year, we may well have been in Las Vegas now, celebrating 20 years of marriage, which is somewhere I'd always wanted to go, and we were going to splurge, irregardless of our not terribly healthy finances.

I just did not see this coming. I still believe our niggles, issues etc were eminently fixable. But fixing them needed someone who was present. And he evidently hasn't been for the past few months.

It seems to have happened very quickly in his head. There was a catalyst of moving within the village 2 months ago at which point it's like a light went out.

So we never had a chance really, he never said how he was feeling because there doesn't seem to have been a period of doubt, just love one day, nothing the next.

Have to work out how to tell the children (well, young adults).

As is so often the case, the one person I would turn to, talk to, the one person I could rely on to have my back, to make me feel better just by being there...is the very person who has broken me.

Of course I still love him. He's been my love, my person, my best friend for all this time, and to lose all of those is horrifying.

We 'got' each other so much, on so many levels just not having that is more than I feel I can bear. I feel like I'm bursting out of my skin.

When he first told me how he felt, and then when we were talking so I wasn't sure, but hoped there was a chance, I thought that limbo was bad, and actually knowing might feel better. It doesn't.

If anyone is there, please could you spare a moment.

I am very lucky, I have some wonderful friends, but at the moment I just can't go to bed and I feel, just, horrible.

Thank you

@simply4help what has made you feel this way today ?
Please send what you would say to me if it helps x

Morning everyone,

@SuperbMonkey how did your interview go? Fingers crossed for you. When do you start in the one day a week role you secured? You are being so proactive, well done! My run at the weekend was really enjoyable thanks, I went with a local running group and was so busy chatting I ran 9km very easily (at a fairly slow pace). Met some inspirational and lovely older women, one about to turn 70 this year and she is fit as a fiddle. She runs all over the country and does various distances all the way up to ultra marathons. She is my new heroine!

@simply4help please don't feel ashamed of how you feel, we have all felt (still do sometimes!) like we would want them back but I'm sure you will eventually be glad he isn't there. It sounds like you have additional challenges but you can do this, you just need to find as much real life support as you can. I think local church groups are a good idea too. I know the local church group, the local community association and local housing association in my area do amazing work to help local residents. Talk to people and ask for advice, tell people you are struggling. Most people want to help and if they can't they will know someone who can. Good luck 

@Tinydancer123 you are in the early stages of shock, panic and agony, I really feel for you, I know those feelings very well and all I can tell you is that they will pass. You will be ok, you have to be for your kids. It's hard being a parent going through this hell (I have a young DS) but they are also a source of comfort and love. They make you realise life does just carry on, it's just that things will be different. You can do this too. Just make sure you look after yourself - sleep, eat, exercise (my saviour!), be kind to yourself, don't expect too much of yourself beyond pure survival at the moment. You will put one foot in front of the other, take it one day at a time and one day you will realise the pain is easing and things won't feel so bad.

Thank you so much @ThelmaAndLouise2020 😍 I am just dealing with two poorly children and trying to clean my house . How are you today ?

Hi everyone. It’s heart warming to see all the support on here today. I will post more later as I am out and about now. No news on interview but I’m not hopeful. Xx

Hi all, I’m sorry I’m not writing at the moment, I’ve been really busy and now I’ve slumped. Didn’t sleep well last night with dreams that left me confused and upset all day, so I find it difficult to make sense to myself let alone write anything coherent to you all. I’m tearful today which is a little unusual for me at the moment. So that confuses me more because I seem to constantly try to figure out how I feel. I’m just all over the place emotionally at the moment.
Hello to the ‘newbies’ too, sorry you find yourself here, but at the same time it’s good to have you.
I’m hoping for a clearer head soon, my thinking isn’t structured enough right now to comment on individual points made. But I follow all your posts closely, and it’s a great comfort to me to know that somehow you are all here. You are an awesome bunch of ladies! Much love to you all! xxx

I've been having some awful nightmares lately @SoTiredTonight it's very upsetting isn't it...not only breaking up your sleep but distressing in themselves. It's strange because on a conscious level I'm feel kind of ok at the moment but my sub conscious in my dreams is going crazy. It makes me wonder if I really am feeling ok or just faking it so well I believe it?!! Confusing stuff and good sleep is crucial for being able to handle it all regardless. Good luck with your sleep tonight 

How are your little ones? @Tinydancer123 hope they are not too poorly, I hate it when my DS is I'll it makes me feel so sad for him. I had a pretty good day thanks, I have news but I will share tomorrow as I need to get to sleep!

Good night, sending love and strength to you all x

Hey lovely lady , sorry you are in a bad place. What are you doing this evening ?. Newbie here.... cried more rivers today. I have decided that I must get dressed in the morning and face the world .

Strangely I know my facade will come with ease. I am a better teacher than the person at home. It seems that on the collection of my children I fall to pieces the day at work will be fine . Of course I cook , I read with them but I am not present infact now I think of it maybe I have been unpresent for sometime. Perhaps even before he left .... I was just sad. It is worrying my job is the only thing I feel I am good at .... did I become a bad mum.... did he make me a bad mum ? Why when I open the door do I crumble?

I guess the abuse , the shame can do that to a person. In the morning I need to be a good Mum , a good teacher.

Sorry if this makes no sense . Nothing makes much sense to me 😣

Ps your news part made me smile . I look forward to this 😍😘

Love and strengh to you all. Late to this party but 100% here for you xxxx

Hi everyone.

@Bigpooh13, if you look back over the thread you will see how far you have come already. You should be really proud of yourself. Your H is a fool because you are much stronger than he realised.

@simply4help, I hope the kind words from @Tinydancer123 have helped you to have a better day today. You have had so many good tips and ideas from Tiny, and @ThelmaAndLouise2020. People do care about you.

@Stillfunny, you are having a hard time right now. But remember the times when you have been strong for the rest of us. Sending you lots of warm, generous thoughts.

Thelma, I should start on 17.02 all being well. Can’t wait. Your running is a good kick up the backside for me. I’m full of admiration. I would love to run an ultra but I’m a bit of a way off that yet. I think you have chosen an excellent new heroine. She might be mine too! You can’t be miserable and run at the same time. I’m finding the yoga helpful too. Can’t wait to read your news ... 😀

@SoTiredTonight, please don’t apologise for not writing much. I have tearful days too. It seems to be part of grieving for what’s been lost as well as anxiety for the future. I find some of the other threads depressing, particularly those where people have had affairs and feel sorry only for themselves. I’m only reading where I feel a kindred spirit with the posters (mainly here).

Tiny, you are awesome. You are a different woman already! Good for you. Those children are lucky to have a role model like you for their teacher.

Well I’m tired now so time to sleep. Catch you all tomorrow. Sleep well xx

Awake at 5am crying ..although I fell to sleeo of plans of making the house a better place.
Work today although I am still bad and not ready. Sending you love xxx

@Tinydancer123, you’ve got this. One step at a time. Let the sadness wave over you. Focus on what you have to do by when. This is where you show how strong you are. Your children need to see that. Good luck with your day

Hi all. Been a few days but I’m still reading. It’s only been two weeks but the house is on the market already with a few viewings. My emotions are so up and down. One minute I’m excited about the future the next I’m furious and sad. I’m not going back to the house as it’s too much but me and the girls are settled for now. Going to view a rental today and that feels exciting.
Everything is still very much about him and ‘fixing’ him. I’ve come to the conclusion that there are two types of men. One sort that will fight for the bigger picture and be prepared to put themselves behind the family for a time and one that runs away when it all looks a bit like hard work. It’s so common. I’ve made sure he knows he is anything but original. Shame the girls have to reconcile having a coward for a father.
It’s good to read everyone’s developments. I’m cheering you all on.

Help he is trying to have the children in the family home refuses to have at mums ?
What do I do ?

Do I message his mum and confirm it ? It is literally for 2 hours . He insists to have them at family home x

@Tinydancer123, this is really difficult for you, but not an unusual situation. I would tell him that you need to have space to process what has happened. Therefore you do not agree to him seeing the children at the family home. He is welcome to take them to his Mum’s so that she can enjoy time with them too. This will give you an opportunity to have some time to yourself.

The other option is to allow access at home and you arrange to go out. I imagine you feel too raw to do that at this stage. He is trying to make his life easier. You have to put the needs of yourself and your children first. You are going to have to stand your ground on whatever you decide. He sounds quite selfish, although I know you won’t necessarily want to hear that.

At some point arrange an appointment with a few solicitors to get advice. Have a look at the Resolution or Family Law Panel websites over the weekend. Some will give free or fixed fee initial interviews. Perhaps arrange something for half term. I would also tell your Head what’s happening so that you have support in the workplace.

@Wineisafruit, all I can say is wow! You are amazing. Look how far you’ve come. 💪

@Wineisafruit this is so quick... how are you ? The quickness must be a shock ?
How are the children ?
I agree reference two types of men. I have said I will support mine if he will address his anger and sex addiction . He refuses. I would think that his family would be more important... sadly not. Is it ego ??

How did the viewing go ? I hope well !

I took the action to call his Mum after he insisted on having children at the family home. She was cool with me, however I stated that it was unfair on children to confuse them. I stated I was willing to try but he had said no. Therefore he cannot come in and out. She mentionned how he did before when he had left so what is different , and I said yes and things never worked. Hence if he is willlinging to try then he must seek help or he walks away. Therefore she called him and I will need to collect from there.

I know this will have irritated him , because he told me it was not possible to have the children at his Mums. It will cause such annoyance that I have stood tall. I never really tell anyone the real situation.

He called me at 10pm last night trying to come at 7am to collect the children. I rejeted call he was in the pub, text him and said 730am is the time. He wanted breakfast here and a coffee !

I am so broken xxx

So much for being strong, everything has got to me today. I spent the whole therapy session crying with anger and sadness and protesting against the world, and injustice. I said that I wished nothing but harm to my husband, his ‘girl’ friend, and his family for the harm they had done to me. I did not know that I could feel this angry. The therapist said that this was good, that I had been carrying the anger for too long (possibly all my life). I have been putting a brave face on things and not letting my husband know how angry I am. This makes it easier for him but definitely harder for me. The therapist was pleased that I was showing the anger. I feel exhausted now. Apparently ‘what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger’. The therapist said that my desire to annihilate him relates to my feeling that I am being annihilated by the gang to whom I wish harm. It’s interesting, and hopefully a breakthrough. But I still have to stand up for myself and it feels a lonely place. Just wanted to share this while it is still in my mind. xx

Ps cool as in off !

Oh my gosh @SuperbMonkey this must be so hard and draining ?
You deserve better than him. You are better than them !!!!
Xxxx xxx x

@Tinydancer123. You are not broken. The actions you have taken today prove that. Did you make it to work? If so I hope the day was bearable. I’m not sure that it’s ego entirely. There’s a certain arrogance about the behaviour which seems to cover up massive insecurity. They need adoration and admiration.

His Mum has a cheek! I know that parents support their kids, but really. She should have a look at herself to see if she has contributed to his ‘difficulties’. I’d hazard a guess that she has - been there, got that T-shirt. A small victory to be recognised 🍾.

He is trying to have his cake and eat it. Well done for laying down clear boundaries in your new routine. You will have taken him by surprise and given him something to ponder. I’m proud of you. 🌟

Thanks for your very kind words. I do deserve so much better than him and them. I did have a feeling worthless moment but for now it has passed. I’m making sure that I have a quiet, relaxing evening, with no stress.

@Wineisafruit, hope the viewing went well.

Lots of love to everyone xx

When is the next session ? Bath ? Wine ? Music ? Book ? Exercise ? All of the above 😍Here if you need me .

Oh Mil yes massively her not wanting to get inolved comment was ironic ! However respect she did call him . His arrogance lack of empathy and insecurity come from somewhere ......his Mum adores him. Even in his violence, she has openly said you should not shout....ok I will just let him drag me out of bed then ??? Wth !!!

Made it to work. Cried .....people care and called me jokey names, it made me cry more ..they do not know , but I was overwhelmed. This is my safe place . I sound and look terrible so this illness is an honest cover.

X

@Tinydancer123, you are a very kind and lovely person. Next Thursday but I am starting some CBT on the NHS next week. Therapy is good but I need strategies for dealing with low times. My thinking needs reframing. Sometimes because the therapist is objective she will say things that feel painful to hear. The therapist wants me to be realistic but today I want to stick my head in the sand.

Yes, the adoring mother’s stand by their sons no matter how terrible their behaviour. They are the MILs’ creations. I sometimes wonder whether they do it deliberately, so that they hang on to the sons. I’m very different from the MIL. The ‘girl’ friend is very similar in personality - it’s all about her.

I’m sure that you don’t look anywhere near as awful as you feel! People keep telling me how well I look and I keep looking puzzled. You will tell people when you feel able. I bet the kids were glad to see you back. Today you have been epic. xx

So sorry @superbmonkey. I wish I could get that anger. This feeling of numbness is not gud. Why arent I angry at him.. im doing CBT. Hope it works for you.

Oh no, an apostrophe in the wrong place in my post above. I didn’t check properly.

@Bigpooh13, thanks. How are you finding the CBT? I feel so many things, including numbness and fear. The anger is at least energetic. The numbness and fear are like paralysis. It’s horrible. It’s weird that it has suddenly come over me today. I’ve been sleeping better but I feel worse today. Hopefully it will pass soon. I need to get some courage from somewhere.