Post Partum Rage

[Big60shair]

My wife and I have a beautiful bright healthy baby boy who’s 10 weeks old that I love with all my heart but I can’t cope with my wife and her anger.

I take the baby when I return home at 8pm till 2am or even 3am so my wife can sleep then get up for work at 08:00am.

She has her parents helping through the day too.

Nearly every night she character assassinates me. I keep trying to be as patient as I possibly can to keep everyone happy but it’s becoming unbearable.

For example last night...

The words that come out of you’re mouth are cheap and mean nothing so when you say you love baby it means nothing.

You’re a terrible father

Baby I’m sorry your father is so useless!

Was slapped a few times

Mobile phone thrown at my head

Why are you so fucking stupid?*

Is there anything that you can do right?
*
You're just a fking joke

Just fk off and leave me alone * *

Why the f**k did you put the muslin on that way?

Why is your job so shit compared to my job? (I earn £50k driving articulated trucks)

I don’t like her swearing in front of the baby either.

I’m getting to the point I can’t cope anymore.

Anyone any ideas how to move forward?

Should I suck it up and get on with it or is this creating even more drama for the future?

I can’t stop thinking of divorce but baby is holding me.

Am I being unreasonable not wanting to accept this behaviour?

Hello, I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. It sounds horrible. I don't have any advice but thought I'd comment to bump up the thread for you.

Hopefully someone with more experience will come along xx

Your wife sounds ill. Google post partum psychosis. Surely her parents have noticed? You need to work with them to get her to a doctor.
Poor you, poor her. Sympathies.

Was she like this before baby, or has this only started since baby arrived?

I'd Google post partum psychosis, to check symptoms, but also speak to her parents, ask if they've noticed any charges in her behaviour.

How far out of character is this behaviour?

Hi OP, you and your wife are both going through this. I had this, and it was the worst time of my (and my husband's) life. There's not much a doctor can do (there's no "fix", it just a terrible hormonal imbalance that lasts a few weeks).

You wife will be feeling terrified and unsafe right now, and is lashing out. If it's within your power, shower her with love and reassurance. See her almost like a toddler having a terrible tantrum.

If this is completely out of character perhaps phone the health visitor for advice

Sounds awful though something needs to happen

But what can the HV do? They're not a magic bullet. It's a temporary hormonal problem.

Sorry your going through this. You aren't being unreasonable to not want to accept this behaviour. You are being subjected to domestic abuse and violence.

However, it sounds like it could be the result of some sort of post natal mood disorder. Can you speak to her parents about it, has she been like this with them?

I would also do everything in my power to encourage her to see a doctor. I know that a pp has said there's nothing that can be done but I'd want to hear what a doctor has to say nonetheless as this sounds serious.

@RopeBrick - think it through a bit here - HV, seen this before, offers wisdom and advice, perhaps helps save marriage, perhaps some sort of complementary therapy works (I have no idea I am just guessing) perhaps can suggest if it's out of control and needs some sort of intervention (whatever that may be!?) .... I'm not suggesting a magic bullet I'm suggesting support guidance and advice, signposting etc - he doesn't have to deal with this alone ... as so far his thoughts are divorce which is radical and will burst apart a young family which can be avoided with help and support from professionals

The doctor said there's nothing that can be done for a hormonal imbalance lasting a few weeks. They said it would be unethical to prescribe medication, which would take a number of weeks to take proper effect anyway.

@custardbear you must have met some better HVs than I have 😂

Mostly people are assuming this abuse is because of hormone changes.
However it's still abuse and may just be because your wife is an abuser.
her behaviour sounds horrendous and unsafe. Physical abuse around a small baby is a recipe for disaster

If this is a completely new behaviour since the birth of your DS then it might be PPP-related, (although you haven't described anything that is necessarily psychosis) and it would be worth talking to your HV.

However. Your wife is breaking the law by assaulting you and putting your DS at risk. No one has the right to treat you as she is treating you at the moment. Domestic violence between spouses is emotional abuse of the children. This atmosphere will be doing your son no good at all. Call your local police force and ask to speak to their DV unit, describe what is going on and ask for advice.

If the police feels like too much of a first step, then the organisations below exist solely to offer advice and support to men who are receiving abuse within their homes. Please contact at least one of them, because your wife's behaviour is completely unacceptable and cannot be allowed to continue.

www.mensadviceline.org.uk/

www.mankind.org.uk/

First of all congratulations on your new baby. I can only imagine how difficult it must be seeing your wife in this way. She is clearly struggling and pnd is a possible culprit. I would speak to the health visitor or doctor to get some help.

Hi.
This is my first post, moved to write as I sympathise with your situation.
My close friend suffered post partum psychosis, one of the first signs was swearing, out of character, for her. However from what you have described I do not believe your wife has psychosis, it typically presents very quickly after birth and symptoms are unmistakable.
I recently had a baby and I can totally understand the rage, however I have not taken this out physically on my partner, that element of your wife's behaviour is a concern and I do think you should both look into getting professional help.
I cope with my negative feelings towards my partner by writing down what I feel, this helps me get it out of my system and nine times out of ten I throw away what I have written, realising that the things I am so mad with him about are actually not that big a deal.

We have also learned to be open and honest with each other about how we are feeling. He didn't realise until we discussed it how much having our little one affected my anxiety and emotions.

I can totally understand you considering divorce as the current situation is unbearable. However this is more than likely a temporary situation. One that I hope you can both move forward from, together.
It is not easy, but it can, and should, change.

The immediate question is do you think she could harm the baby???

I fail to see how allowing her to abuse you is a temporary thing you must accept like some here are suggesting. I don't give a bull crap about hormones there is no excuse for abuse full stop.
If this was a man a using the woman people would be saying run for the hills.

I don't blame you wanting to leave it sounds perfectly reasonable to me as I don't think you can change an abuser.

As a survivor of child abuse and a bystander in domestic violence between my parents 1. Children know 2. Her actions are teaching children an example of how social interaction and relationships work. 3. The abusive behaviour never changes it just regressed for a while and it's just a ticking time bomb.
Hope you can get some support

If she’s not usually an angry, violent person then I would say it’s almost definitely some form of post natal mental illness. Both depression and anxiety can manifest as extreme anger.

It did for me. However I never hit or threw anything, because my HV picked up on it in time and got me to a GP that day.

Totally agree with @Ohnotheinlaws.

You do not deserve to be abused. Is this new since the baby? Is she the same with her parents? Temporary or not you digit have to put up with it.

I think she needs to see her GP asap with you present. Her hormones are out of whack and she is probably exhausted. In the meantime make sure she is eating really well and get her a good multi vitamin that has bioavailable B vitamins, like the one linked below. I have recently developed pre menstural dysphoria (PMDD), after a long period of stress and sub optimal nutrition. I never suffered with PMS in the past, this is new and I feel alien for a few days before my period. I don't get rage, but I do get irrational and paranoid and very emotional. Don't underestimate how much those hormone shifts can change a person. That said you should never have to put up with violence or abuse. GP again, and talk to her parents about what is happening. 10 week is not long in terms of recvoery from pregnancy and birth. Hold off ideas of divorce at the moment, don't make rash decisions. First baby is also a massive change for everyone.

www.amazon.co.uk/Multivitamin-Vitamins-absorbable-research-evidence/dp/B01H08EUT6/ref=sr_1_2_sspa?psc=1&s=drugstore&keywords=vitamin+with+methyl&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUEyUUxRVUQ1WUZIQllWJmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEwNjk2Nzc3MzAyNzJPOEM0NDZQUiZlbmNyeXB0ZWRBZElkPUEwMTY4NzA2MVJROVFSNzU2OVlKWiZ3aWRnZXROYW1lPXNwX2F0ZiZhY3Rpb249Y2xpY2tSZWRpcmVjdCZkb05vdExvZ0NsaWNrPXRydWU=&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1572340727&sr=1-2-spons

I'm so sorry ur going thro this, ur doing so much! My hubby does barely anything he may take our lil boy for half an hour while I do the pots. He criticises me telling me to stop panicking or calm down and that I'm causing our boy stress when I feel stress. He's never taken a night shift and turns his back on us when baby wakes. I get he works n I'm off on mat leave but I don't have any help throughout the day. I completely get where ur coming from, please take some time for u and keep ur chin up x

I agree with what many others here have said - it sound like your wife might be struggling. I have PND / PNA and I feel so angry all of the time. I try not to aim it at my husband but I definitely find myself internally raging at him, often over nothing. I think I'm often frustrated that he can't just fix things and read my mind, which is totally unreasonable of me but it's a symptom. Your wife may be having similar thoughts and feelings? It's probably not you. Keep loving her and get her some help - and make sure you have some support for yourself too x

I am sorry to hear you’re going trough this.
I behaved awful to my DH too on a few occasions after birth and looking back, I think I had a postnatal depression.

You don’t deserve the abuse and your wife clearly needs help, I would tell her you suspect postnatal depression, in the kindest way possible, without sounding like you judge her and try to make her see her GP as soon as possible.

Looking back I feel deeply ashamed and guilty towards my DH and I wish I had done something about my PND sooner.

for you OP

Im so sorry this is happening OP. I think it definitely depends what she was like before baby was born. I have a 5week old DD, my second, and when she is screaming at me and been awake for ages in the middle of the night and my DH is snoring in bed I have such rage for him and think horrid thoughts about him ( that he's a crap father, which he absolutely is not). So, I can see that being unreasonably angry at your spouse with a new baby is perhaps not unusual, but your DW is going way beyond, and you are giving her 6 hours break and sleep, I don't get any of this, maybe 10 mins. So I think is this is new behaviour, it's post partum and she needs your help albeit you also need help and someone to talk to as this is hard. If she's always been like this . . .

Last night I told it as it was and it seemed to get the message through.

"I'm not prepared to accept this abuse, even with the stress of the baby this is absolutely not ok. You need to decide what you want because I'm not prepared to hang around in this marriage and accept this nonsense!"

Immediately my wife backed down and apologised.

It's a crazy crazy time at the moment !!!

OP, I think she doesn’t choose to be like this (though its not an excuse really) but gets overwhelmed by rage at moments (that’s how it felt for me).

Please try to get her help.