Post Partum Rage

[Big60shair]

My wife and I have a beautiful bright healthy baby boy who’s 10 weeks old that I love with all my heart but I can’t cope with my wife and her anger.

I take the baby when I return home at 8pm till 2am or even 3am so my wife can sleep then get up for work at 08:00am.

She has her parents helping through the day too.

Nearly every night she character assassinates me. I keep trying to be as patient as I possibly can to keep everyone happy but it’s becoming unbearable.

For example last night...

The words that come out of you’re mouth are cheap and mean nothing so when you say you love baby it means nothing.

You’re a terrible father

Baby I’m sorry your father is so useless!

Was slapped a few times

Mobile phone thrown at my head

Why are you so fucking stupid?*

Is there anything that you can do right?
*
You're just a fking joke

Just fk off and leave me alone * *

Why the f**k did you put the muslin on that way?

Why is your job so shit compared to my job? (I earn £50k driving articulated trucks)

I don’t like her swearing in front of the baby either.

I’m getting to the point I can’t cope anymore.

Anyone any ideas how to move forward?

Should I suck it up and get on with it or is this creating even more drama for the future?

I can’t stop thinking of divorce but baby is holding me.

Am I being unreasonable not wanting to accept this behaviour?

Please get her some medical help.

Fuck that. Get rid.

Everyone is saying to "get her help" - what does that look like to you? How do you think a GP or HV could change the situation? It's not a magic bullet to see a GP - the problem remains.

It's funny I don't see this level of domestic abuse apologist come out if its a man. "He threw a remote at me" , "he told me I was useless". The(correct) response is LTB, it's abuse,which it is by the way and very sound advice. However, the minimising of male gender based violence on here is disgusting. She may have post natal depression but this does not mean it is okay for her to physically and emotionally abuse her partner. It is never okay to do this regardless of gender.

She sounds vile and horribly abusive.

It is never okay to abuse your partner

AND

women post partum are at risk of PND and/or psychosis that could manifest itself the way OP described. Doesn't mean that OP should tolerate abuse but it does mean that his wife needs urgent assessment. It also means that one line advice like "get rid" could put both mother and baby at risk if left alone.

OP - well done on addressing this head on however could you please answer the questions of PPs whether this sort of behaviour is out of character or started post partum.

I definitely think you should get your wife to a doctor ASAP.
I had ppp and unfortunately a doctor diagnosed it and didn't bloody tell me. I found out a few years later on a medical report I'd requested.
I cried for a few days seeing it because after having baby I was a completely different person. My poor dh tried to cope. I didn't tell anyone how I was feeling but I was an absolute mess I was so terrified anyone might take my baby away from me.
Also tell her parents if you think that might help, they may step up in evenings as well.
My mental health deteriorated so badly I was pulled up at work and at the time I blamed everyone else but now I look back and am horrified. I walked out my job in the end as I felt like I was falling apart which again was very unlike me as I was a workaholic!

Lack of sleep and poor diet as well for me pretty much made everything worse.
You need help here. Ask her to go to the doctors, say you'll support her if she goes and demand to be helped. It may be she needs to go as an inpatient but you need to do whatever it takes and you certainly shouldn't be dealing with this alone, in fact I'd advise you don't, mine carried on for a year I was so unwell j just acted like such a different person my dh even said he wished the old me would come back . I did come back but stopping breastfeeding at a year made a huge difference and a good diet full of magnesium and b vitamins, I also take omega 3 as that's good for brain health. I don't know medically what's best though so would definitely suggest a doctor. It's still better to acknowledge with an outside person somethings wrong.

All the best OP

If it was a man there would be lots of “ tell the abusing arsehole to move out now”.
No excuse for that sort of behaviour.

@firstoffence if it was a man he wouldn't be at risk of postpartum psychosis.

www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mental-health/problems-disorders/postpartum-psychosis

@wattytanker I’m with you.

She may well just be abusive, but OP hasn’t stated if this is wildly out of character for her or not, and if it is, there is a huge chance it’s a severe post partum mental illness.

Just a few days before each period my wife could be very feisty but for the rest of the month she'd be an angel.

It's like the same thing but the turbo charged version.

RopeBrick - your comments are really unhelpful and annoying.

Big60shair - as someone who suffers from anxiety and had quite bad postpartum anxiety, I can tell you it is a terrifying thing to feel. To be looking after your new baby and feel such a sense of dread and fear taking over you. It comes out differently in different people and it sounds to me like your wife has some kind of anxiety, depression at the moment ... Your hormones go completely out of whack after giving birth. For some a lot worse than for others. Any person telling you to 'get rid' and leave simply doesn't understand what it must feel like to be suffering mentally. She needs time, patience, care, support. As a man you cannot begin to understand the change a woman goes through during childbirth.

I'm not saying she's right to take everything out on you. I'm just saying you need to be supportive, and focus on her wellbeing, it's more important than the baby. Happy mum = Happy baby. Speak to her. Ask her if she's feeling any anxiety, or having difficulty. Ask her if she'd like to speak to anyone about it. Tell her you don't like being shouted at. But look after her. She needs your help.

Having set the boundary, as per your previous update the next step would be to get your wife to the GP pronto. Her behaviour seems to have worsened since the birth and hormonal imbalance post childbirth in women prone to change in moods around their cycles can trigger PND.

Speak to her firmly lovingly and supportively about getting help. This is your family at stake.

I had therapy post partum which helped me hugely as ended up a ball of nerves and anxiety after a long tiring birth with a NICU stay and partner that wasn't switched on to start with. Felt like I was on my own with this huge responsibility. It wasn't so but I needed someone to put it in perspective for me.

Get her help ASAP

@ZoZosmama That's really hurtful. I went through this too. My advice is to absolutely throw love at her. The MN idea that "sending her to get help" will change anything is what I am questioning. What does that actually look like to people?

Please don't call me unhelpful and annoying, it's really unkind.

@RopeBrick Well medication for a start

Any person telling you to 'get rid' and leave simply doesn't understand what it must feel like to be suffering mentally. She needs time, patience, care, support. As a man you cannot begin to understand the change a woman goes through during childbirth

Ah, some abuse is excusable then? How long should someone who is being both verbally and physically abused show time, patience, care and support to their abuser?

I suspect the OP is suffering mentally, not just his wife.

Was slapped a few times
Mobile phone thrown at my head
Absolutely not OK OP. None of it.
It is full on abuse.
And in any situation I would say LTB.
But you've had some good advice.
She needs to see her GP and tell her HV asap about this behaviour.
I'm glad you have told her now that it's unacceptable.
Pull her up on it every time if you don't want to leave.
But she needs some professional help if this is out of character.

@RopeBrick the whole idea of partners being somehow sort out mental health issue with simply "love" is very simplistic and somewhat naive as it assumes that somehow the partner can competently deal with a huge change in their own life, having to deal with his wife violent outbursts and at the same time deal with her potentially complex mental health needs by simply being nice and loving. Not to mention that she may need medication.

How?

GP assessment, potentially medication if needed, therapy and lifestyle adjustments to better cope with baby.

I had an existing relationship with a trusted therapist who was able to work with me through my anxiety which made me irrational, angry and upset. DH was the target by a virtue of being the nearest person to me. I saw him as THE PROBLEM. He was hardly in a position to be a solution to it. When I finally went for therapy he was delighted as he got his partner back.

Big60shair you are the victim of DV and this is 100% unacceptable. However, there is the added complication that your wife has just given birth so is at risk of PPP. This is in no way an excuse for the DV but you need to consider if your baby is safe. LTB is all very well but does that mean with or without the baby?
First step is she must see her GP with you. Have you spoken to her parents? They may also be worried.

OP well done on addressing the issue clearly and, apparently, very calmly too. This may well have made her feel safer and calmer.

Keep talking to her.

@Big60shair what is she like with the baby? And what is she like with her parents?

If this is how she's always been with you, it's abuse. If this behaviour is something you think is a symptom of PND or even PPP then she and you need help from a doctor. Medication is what that help looks like, and counselling. It also means you can hopefully widen your circle of support. Get her parents on board with helping her to seek the help she needs.

I'm also a bit worried that you drive huge vehicles for a living and may not be getting enough rest. Could you afford a night nanny or a mother's help for the evenings until things settle down?

But I agree with the other posters who say that this is abuse and is terrible. In my mind the question is why she is doing it? If its her way, you need to get out. If she's ill, she needs help.

Some great advice on this thread. I’m really sorry you’re going through this OP and I hope you can find a way through.

Last night was even worse...

Making up bottle for the baby at 1am in the morning...

"That's too hot can you not even do one thing right?"

My answer was sharply... "stop the nasty comments now it's not on!"

All the bottle needed was a run under the tap to cool a tiny bit.

Well my wife stormed off next door and left me with the baby all night (who's wonderful)
even though I have work and she doesn't.

This morning was omg... I'm manipulative, calculating and also bullying because she's had a baby and I'm being aggressive to her.

Even saying this morning... "You can't go to work because we need to discuss this!"

Or "You need to give up your job to look after baby!"

It's just a horrible impossible situation !!! :-(

I think the main question is...

Do I take the insults and be patient and think...

"She's just had a baby, hormones are out and she's tired!"

Or... explain this is absolutely not acceptable because I don't swear, tell you that you're a terrible mum and tell you you can't get anything correct?

What on earth do I do... I feel like my head is going to burst!

Do you believe the baby is safe being left with your wife?