Post Partum Rage

[Big60shair]

My wife and I have a beautiful bright healthy baby boy who’s 10 weeks old that I love with all my heart but I can’t cope with my wife and her anger.

I take the baby when I return home at 8pm till 2am or even 3am so my wife can sleep then get up for work at 08:00am.

She has her parents helping through the day too.

Nearly every night she character assassinates me. I keep trying to be as patient as I possibly can to keep everyone happy but it’s becoming unbearable.

For example last night...

The words that come out of you’re mouth are cheap and mean nothing so when you say you love baby it means nothing.

You’re a terrible father

Baby I’m sorry your father is so useless!

Was slapped a few times

Mobile phone thrown at my head

Why are you so fucking stupid?*

Is there anything that you can do right?
*
You're just a fking joke

Just fk off and leave me alone * *

Why the f**k did you put the muslin on that way?

Why is your job so shit compared to my job? (I earn £50k driving articulated trucks)

I don’t like her swearing in front of the baby either.

I’m getting to the point I can’t cope anymore.

Anyone any ideas how to move forward?

Should I suck it up and get on with it or is this creating even more drama for the future?

I can’t stop thinking of divorce but baby is holding me.

Am I being unreasonable not wanting to accept this behaviour?

Nothing will happen to the baby because all the stress is taken out on me.

While you are there the stress is taken out on you, but what about if/when you are not there? How can you be sure the baby is safe with her when they are alone?
Her demanding you stay home, quit your job may be her being scared of being alone with the baby.
I’d get mental health crisis team out to see her soon as possible.

OP, stressful as it sounds you need to step back, read the advice given and insist your wife sees a GP pronto about her mood swings and behaviour. That's the first step here.

Not sure if I am reading it correctly but while you can tell her you find her behaviour unacceptable telling her she's a terrible mum won't help.

Tell her you love her, tell her you care deeply for her and your family and she needs to see the GP ASAP. Book it for her and go with her and baby if needed.

What I'm saying is I've never said she's a terrible mum etc or even dream of saying because it's so hurtful.

Ps I write that wrong...

What I was trying to write is that she tells me I'm a terrible dad etc but I'd never dream of saying anything like that to her.

Got it. Wasn't clear on the initial point.

We could discuss this for a long time but really the question to you OP - when are you going to book that GP appt?

She won't go... I've already had this discussion.

There's nothing wrong other than me being unreasonable.

Was she like this with you before the baby?

She could be very sharp with her words but nothing like this.

A bad argument maybe no more than once a year but nothing like this.

OK so if she won't go to the doctor and she won't engage in getting some help for how she is feeling you need to get some advice yourself, either from HV or GP.

It sounds as if you're doing a great deal for her, so whilst she is of course in the hormonal phase of just having a baby, it's not as if she's left to do everything herself and has plenty of support. This could signify a really nasty case of post partum depression or psychosis, or it could be that she's turning on you. Frankly in the first few years of a child's life, a relationship is tested to the limits of patience, but she is actually abusing you physically. That isn't acceptable.

Please do get some advice. Although you say she's only taking out her stress on you and not the baby, I would be terrified (if it was me in that situation) that she's exposing the baby to some negative parenting. My ex could be very abusive toward me and it used to scare me shitless when he had my DS alone that he would lose his temper with him too. It happened once and I vowed never to leave them in the same room alone again until he got help (he did).

Have you told her she needs to go the GP?
Have you told her parents?
Basically, it's now ultimatum time.
I know you want to be there and be 'nice' but that is clearly not working for you.
I'd be having a proper chat with her and telling her that I was leaving and that I wanted to set up regular contact with DC.
You really really do NOT have to accept this abuse.

Hellsbellsmelons talks a lot of sense. Give her an ultimatum as your current approach is not firm enough.

You could offer to take the baby and go to your parents for a couple of days but she might not buy it. I personally think that there is no excuse for this behaviour and it's really hard to tackle if she's not even acknowledging it is wrong.

There is nothing stopping you from calling the hv and they will probably arrange a visit to talk to her about ppd. Maybe speak to her parents as others have said...

Her parents said I need to care for my boy more but I'm not sure how. The only time I'm not with him is when I'm at work.

It's bloody difficult because I'm doing the very best I possibly can and being told I'm hopeless etc.

OP, it sounds like you love your wife and you are as lost as her in this situation. She has changed dramatically from someone who may have had a previous on being occasionally sharp and prone to mood swings with PMS to someone who is consistently negative and emotionally and physically abusive.

It does indicate a problem that developed post partum. The issue is that someone suffering from PPD is not aware of just how bad they are.

Speak to HV. She needs to be the impartial voice of reason. What your wife is doing is not normal, it is out of character and not acceptable. She needs to hear it from someone other than you.

Speak to her parents how you are speaking to us here. Tell them about the physical aspect of abuse as well and request that they support her in getting help as this is nor something that is sustainable long (or even short) term that you are solely on receiving end of her rage (which by the way is not about you). All the stuff she says to you about being terrible father is basically a projection of fear she has that she is not a good enough parent.

Louis Theroux did a documentary recently on post partum depression. It's still on iPlayer. Watch it. It may give you some fresh perspective on it.

I told her parents and they said I need to support the baby boy more to take the pressure off their daughter.

I suffered from horrific PND after having ds, I can honestly remember wishing my then husband in hell in the first months of being a mum. I was shattered from lack of sleep, not recovered from the labour & birth, was having awful nightmares about ds birth in the time I actually managed to sleep, I was so overtired that half the time I couldn't sleep because I felt under pressure that I "must" go to sleep in an instant to get my sleep time in. Do you have a health visitor who is dealing with your wife & new baby? I would speak to them & ask them to support you both, they may be able to speak to your wife & maybe get her to admit that she isn't coping & needs help, tell her that she isn't alone in feeling like this & signpost help available to her.

I'm actually waiting for HV to phone me back

It's good that your speaking to the HV, be honest with them.

Excellent. You're doing the right thing. Good luck. This can be resolved. Stay strong.

I'm glad you've rung the HV. I'm sorry her parents are suggesting you do more - unless you've duped us on this thread, it sounds like you do a great deal - I know I was left to do absolutely everything so my margin of comparison may be a bit out of whack but honestly, if you're driving articulated lorries, you need to make sure you're getting plenty of rest too.

Does your wife have additional support? You mentioned her mum comes over - is that regular?

Her mum & dad are always there.

I have a nearly 4 week old. Terrible birth where I nearly lost my baby.
Recovery has been tough etc. My DP had 2 weeks off work to help around the house etc as we also have 2 high energy dogs and he has a 8yr old daughter 50% of the time.
I don’t have any family around now to help since he is back at work but I would never dream of treating him the way your wife is treating you.
I don’t really know what to say to help but the abuse is not on under any circumstance especially if she won’t get the help she needs.
I think I’d move out so she can figure out what she really wants

It's truly unbearable... :-(

Maybe keep some sort of journal where you briefly note down what happens day by day.

OP it sounds awful for you and you should not be treated like that. It does sound like an abusive relationship so YANBU to feel like you cant cope.

I will say though it is interesting to see if from another side. My DP could have written your post. Well not the physical side but after I gave birth to DD I was awful, I rarely speak about it because it was such a dark time for us all and I still feel guilty to this day for some things I said in the throws of PND.

It's difficult because it sounds like i am minimising what you are going through and i am certainly not. It is abusive, I was abusive. Thankfully my DP rode it out with me and I sought help. Or equally this could just be your DPs personality in which case only you really know if she was like this before but either way you are not in the wrong to feel the way do.