Post Partum Rage

[Big60shair]

My wife and I have a beautiful bright healthy baby boy who’s 10 weeks old that I love with all my heart but I can’t cope with my wife and her anger.

I take the baby when I return home at 8pm till 2am or even 3am so my wife can sleep then get up for work at 08:00am.

She has her parents helping through the day too.

Nearly every night she character assassinates me. I keep trying to be as patient as I possibly can to keep everyone happy but it’s becoming unbearable.

For example last night...

The words that come out of you’re mouth are cheap and mean nothing so when you say you love baby it means nothing.

You’re a terrible father

Baby I’m sorry your father is so useless!

Was slapped a few times

Mobile phone thrown at my head

Why are you so fucking stupid?*

Is there anything that you can do right?
*
You're just a fking joke

Just fk off and leave me alone * *

Why the f**k did you put the muslin on that way?

Why is your job so shit compared to my job? (I earn £50k driving articulated trucks)

I don’t like her swearing in front of the baby either.

I’m getting to the point I can’t cope anymore.

Anyone any ideas how to move forward?

Should I suck it up and get on with it or is this creating even more drama for the future?

I can’t stop thinking of divorce but baby is holding me.

Am I being unreasonable not wanting to accept this behaviour?

Don't worry about the in laws, they are predictably going to side with thier daughter. I feel for you.. Things will get better for you but in the meantime some big decisions to make. Could you suggest that you both sit down and have a true honest discussion?

Did you manage to speak to HV @Big60shair?

@wattytanker yes... she said she thinks it's beyond PND. It's so extreme and referee it to the Dr.

So what are the next steps?

Is the Dr for her or for you? If it is for your wife, is she going to speak to your wife to make sure she attends and takes it seriously?

Sorry to ask questions like this. It's always good to have absolute clarity on next steps and who does what specifically on what timeframe so you can have some sort of resolution and plan in place.

Just wanted to wish you well! I really struggled postnatally and was abusive to my husband. No excuse, but I had been mistreated by medical staff during the birth and I felt betrayed that he was reluctant to support me in a complaint after. I was raging, exhausted and helpless. We are still married twenty years later, but it’s been a long, hard road for both of us.

No you do not accept this at all.
She's been physically abusive to you.
She then turns stuff around onto you. Of course only read what you have put but going from what you have said.
She sounds like a nasty piece of work.
Doesn't matter if someone is having a tough time that is never an excuse to be violent or physical with someone.

This is massively out of character and clearly ppp. Get medical help now for her. Invention and help will get your wife back but you need to act too

She’s mentally ill and it sounds like her parents are burying their heads in the sand. Contact maternal mental health.

@Countryescape she was verbally attacking her mum this morning when her mum was doing her best to help.

Seeing another person having to deal with this aggression makes me almost certain she's not at all well. I need to see the Dr asap.

It doesn't excuse her behaviour but it makes more sense.

Yes she needs help and she needs it fast.

Google your local Peri Natal Psych team and give them a call. Failing that, Crisis Team for your area.

She does need to see a dr ASAP. Hopefully after your MIL has seen her behaviour she will agree with you.

Oh wow OP I’m so sorry you are going through this. How was she like before pregnancy? Did she used to speak to you like that?

You certainly don’t deserve to be treated that way or spoken to like that. If it weren’t the fact she gave birth recently I would’ve said to leave her. But I think if she wasn’t like that before it could be PND but she needs boundaries in place.

Couple therapy? Perhaps make the child’s GP aware of what’s happening at home and get there advice ?

OP she is likely to need time in a specialised unit. This isn’t just pnd this sounds like psychosis and she needs proper care. You need to start the process bow

@Big60shair when I was ill with PPP I was totally out of control - like your wife, I had suffered regular PMS/PMDD prior to becoming pregnant. I was treated conventionally with antipsychotics - they put me into a very deep depression and I only got better from that with ECT (worked like a charm on the depression). I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Take a look at Prof John Studd’s website.
www.studd.co.uk/postnatalpsychosis.php
He is probably the wisest and most humane doctor with regard to women’s hormonal problems and I know of at least one person who says he saved her life. Doctors at the Chelsea and Westminster hospital follow his precepts (he founded the clinic there).

We were at the GP about something else and I mentioned about it. It caused an explosion of anger with my wife.

The Dr said the behaviour isn't on. Afterwards my wife calmed down and accepted she had been very mean.

However we're now worried that social work will say we're not good enough parents etc but all we want is the best for our baby. My wife only wants the best for the baby and that's where the anger came from.

I just want everything to work out and have a happy family.

Well done Big60s - you have done everything perfectly and not given up on your baby boy or wife by speaking with the ILs, HV and GP. I am sure it will be dealt with.

That’s paranoia and part of the illness talking. You’ve done the right thing!

You need Social Services involvement she needs a lot of support. You are not helping her by not escalating this to the necessary people

Surely the GP has escalated and referred to the appropriate service?

I think other people witnessing the behaviour is helpful. Makes it more difficult for it to be spun as a normal reaction you not pulling your weight. Good luck op. Sounds very difficult situation.

Congratulations on your baby. You sound like a caring Dad and husband.
I wouldn’t discount that your wife has PND, albeit an unusual presentation.
I had PND after the birth of both my DS. It was like and extreme form of PMT. Also I hate to say this but my PMT was worse afterwards. There is a theory around PND and PMT that women who are already deficient in some hormones more is taken out by the baby taking nutrients in pregnancy. This worsens hormones levels and so PMT and PND
Don’t let your Gp fob your wife off. If this is such a personality change she needs to see mental health professional. Does she have moments of lucidity/ more rational when you can talk to her about what is going on?
With my first I didn’t realize anything was wrong. I just didn’t know I was I’ll.

It's PND. She needs help, more than likely medication. Social services won't be an issue - try to help her get better, she'll be absolutely terrified

If her rage is this out of control, to the entent everyone is getting it as she is totally unaware of what she's doing in the moment, she could end up harming the baby. This needs to get sorted asap