Boyfriend is moving to a caravan

[Stuckinarut81]

I think maybe I’m being a dick about this but it’s pissing me off and I’m trying to explore why.

My bf and I have been together for 2 years. We don’t live together but see each other a lot as he lives nearby, and he stays over usually 2 or 3 nights a week. He’s 56. He is fucking abysmal with money, hasn’t got a pot to piss in and is always broke no matter how much he earns. That in itself isn’t really a problem as we live separately and obviously have separate finances, and there are no plans to change that.

Hes currently renting a room from a friend in a nearby town. He’s just decided that he wants to live in a caravan. Partly because he has some romantic notion of living ‘off-grid’, and partly because he thinks it will save him money. The place that he works has plenty of land and they have said he can put a caravan there.

He hasn’t actually got any money to buy a caravan at the moment, but he’s hoping to move there in the next few weeks.

The thing is, I lived in a caravan myself for 5 years from the age of 19-24, in my New Age traveller days. So I have a very good understanding of what it’s like. And largely it’s miserable. The only good thing about it for me was the social aspect but he won’t have that as he’ll be in a field on his own. This may seem hypocritical as I have lived that way myself, but that was my misspent youth, and he’s middle aged.

I also don’t think he’ll save any money at all as in return for staying there he’s drawn up a big plan of things he can do in exchange for rent to improve the place. I can just see the lines between what he should be paid for and what he is doing for free getting very blurred. He is self employed there so no fixed wage.

And I also see him turning up here daily for a bath, to wash clothes or whatever. It’s going to end up costing me loads of money for him to live like that. My not very big house is also likely to become his storage place for any of his many items of expensive electrical equipment when he realises that caravans are freezing and damp.

To add to all that, I certainly won’t want to go there and see him as I used to work where he works (before he did) and it ended there on bad terms so I don’t particularly want to go and hang out there.

I dunno, maybe If I didn’t have my own experiences of it I’d be more up for it, but as it is I just feel like he’s moving into a space I left behind a long time ago. And I get irrationally annoyed when he starts talking about it. Am I being a dick? Should I support his dream? Even though I think he’s nuts?

I like reading about his adventure OP. I have friends like this too, although not quite so crazy! Keep us informed. At least you'll have plenty of ideas for his Christmas present!

This is a fascinating thread and the OP is an excellent writer. Her story would make an amazing blog.

I've befriended, dated and even married men who were superficially very similar to this guy. The difference is that, beneath the bohemian charm, they were fundamentally selfish and nasty. This man seems different, and I would say he's fine to date casually but a poor prospect for commitment. It sounds like @Stuckinarut81

...It sounds like @Stuckinarut81 knows this and is OK with it. I don't really have any advice except let him do whatever he's going to do (helping with the caravan shopping is a great idea) and then waiting to see how things pan out. I absolutely disagree with the pps who have said that he's a middle-aged loser and ergo trying to move in by stealth: when I was in my early 30s with a net worth barely in four figures, I experimented with dating square men with boring jobs, and all of them unjustly assumed I was some kind of gold-digger. (I'm talking teachers and social workers here, not freaking hedge fund managers). There's just this kind of knee-jerk snobbery towards anyone poor or marginal - how is anyone supposed to improve their lot in life when mainstream society won't touch them with a bargepole? Actually, if the OP's DP asked my advice I would say move to Spain now, work and rent (or couchsurf if you can) and save for that plot of land, preferably with a house on it. His dream is much more affordable there than here, and most of us will lose the opportunity to live in Europe once the transition period is over. He won't do it of course, because he seemingly lacks the organisation to save even a modest emergency fund, but if he was serious about his goal he'd force himself to be organised.

So he has a job and spends his money on rent, bills and his car, and gives a bit to his adult daughter. He volunteers at a pensioners lunch once a month.

Now he plans to move into a van, which is obv a bit stupid but not off the wall.

None of it sounds very off grid or eco warrior to me . I’m fact he sound very average in many ways, I’m wonder what it is about him that is so cool / fun / alternative. Is it just because he’s handsome and charming?

Is he very good in bed ?

For what it's worth, you both sound lovely and have a lovely relationship on your own terms. It's also perfectly reasonable for you to be triggered by the whole caravan thing, given your experiences. Good luck. .

You know what, you both sound like you have got it all sorted and you both sound a little alternative Let him live his dream! He sounds like he doesn't expect you to bail him out and if he has managed to get to his 50s whilst still being so carefree then he won't change now and why should he. Sounds like my idea of hell but you both sound great and if he is kind and loving and it doesn't affect you then let him have his toilet in the mud

We had a good chat earlier and I told him my concerns. Mostly that I don’t want him on my grid when he’s off grid. He started going on about not wanting to be part of ‘the system’ anymore which I laughed at and said he’d soon be part of the system if he needed a hospital for example. And as he’d technically be homeless as he’d be living illegally in a caravan he’d have no chance of sorting his credit rating out. I said I just found it a bit embarrassing that he was doing this at his age - not because I think living that way is embarrassing but because it’s an extension of him just generally being feckless when it comes to money and responsibilities such as doing tax returns (he just doesn’t bother and then gets in trouble like earlier this year).

Then I felt like a bit of a bitch because he is obviously really excited about this. I had originally said I wasn’t going to give him a tow because I wasn’t facilitating his batshit idea in any way. However he’s just spent all afternoon helping me with stuff that I needed doing. He also let me lie in this morning and sleep until 10am as he knew I’d had a horrible day, so he got up and sorted the kids out for school. That’s the kind of person he is, and I know if the shoe was ok the other foot he’d help me out. So I said I’d tow his caravan for him, with a footnote that I still think it’s a fucking batshit idea. He has taken that on board.

I think I’ve just got to stand back and watch him do this and try not to get too wound up .

Hows it going @Stuckinarut81? Did he get a caravan?

I’ve met many people living in caravans as it’s that or the streets, they are miserable & all say it’s ok for the summer but so very cold in the winter

I’d ask him straight where is he going to wash & do laundry and add on with the question as you’re not going to be able to do it here.... make it very clear

Personally I would find this person a turn off.
I think it’s very personal preference though.

I can’t imagine he would be able to keep good hygiene by living in a freezing field caravan, likely a terrible diet and just generally being so free spirited. I broke up with a similar guy I dated who was very very very nice - but his home was a cold damp grubby hovel that I wouldn’t want to ever be unclothed in let alone take my shoes off, he never did any tax returns, did loads of free work for people so hardly ever had any money, was disorganised and thought I might find it fun to camp in the back of his transit van. He once cooked me some food which was completely revolving and his kitchen had 6 inches of dust over it. I really tried but it just kept repulsing me however nice he was - it just made me feel like he needed a mother to set him straight and that became sexually unattractive

I hope it works out - I think some people are fine with this lifestyle so you will come up against a lot of different opinions

@CrimsonCattery no the bloke selling the one he wanted to see didn’t get back to him so I think that one’s off the table.

Now he’s talking about getting a really cheap ‘starter caravan’ to see if he likes it before getting a longer term one.

I don’t have any worries about him being dirty, he’s a very clean and tidy person so I’m sure he’ll keep it nice. I’m not sure how he’ll get on with showering though, he’s tall and caravan showers aren’t great! Also they make the whole thing damp which is why gypsy caravans don’t usually have washing facilities inside.

But surely he can see that the beginning of Winter is the worst possible time to embark on this adventure?

No?

You’d have thought so wouldn’t you?

But no.

I’m actually really worried, his health isn’t good at all at the moment and I can’t see how this is going to help.

You say in your original post that he rents a room from his mate - can't he keep doing this till Spring? Then try a 'starter' caravan? If he health isn't good a caravan isn't the best TBF

Oh yes he totally could, but he’s got the bit between his teeth now and just wants to do it.

That said, he’s a terrible procrastinator so it may well be spring by the time it happens

I live in my van & for showers / facilities lots of people just get a pass to anytime fitness which are 24hrs & dotted around everywhere, so you can still have a shower 24/7. I have done it with dogs but not kids.
To be honest I think it’s kind of selfish to make your kids live that lifestyle just because it’s charming to you.

But if you’re single / have a bohemian partner then for sure, why not! I don’t think he is the guy for you because you are looking down on his alternative lifestyle, but perhaps that is me projecting my own issues onto you. Just get a sense of turning your nose up at his decision, when lots of people are choosing to do #vanlife now, it’s pretty hipster & a cool alt thing people do. In Australia I love the grey nomads forum for caravan/van lifestyle - he sounds like a grey nomad type!

it sounds like you would be better suited to a more traditional type & let this one go.

Also regarding diet I don’t have a fridge so tend to eat better, because you go to the supermarket & eat food fresh. So lots of fruit & veg, muesli, etc.

I don’t really think mumsnet is going to be the place that will show the positives of #vanlife because lost people here I imagine are living more traditional lives. School, uni, work, kids, house, mortgage.... vanlife is a lot about rejecting what society is telling us to do - less consumerism, own less, live more... don’t worry about owning a home etc. you’re hardly going to find many people who will support the concept a man living in a caravan because it’s not “grown up” or “weird” or “gross” when it doesn’t have to be that at all.

One look at the Instagram #vanlife hashtag will show you how charming it can be.

I do live in Australia but it does get cold in winter here! I admittedly have never vanlifed in winter, it’s a summer thing only personally.

Loads of people live very comfortably on canal boats too - not much different.

I have to ask, OP, do you thing it might be possible he’s trying to make you say: ok, come live with me then?

Op made it clear neither want to live with the other.

I do think many posters are attributing negative features to this man without any reason. Nothing op has said has suggested he is a user.

He’s 100% not trying to move in with me. Even if I was desperate for him to do that (which I’m not) and I begged him to move in (which isn’t going to happen) - he still wouldn’t.

It doesn't sound like you’ve accepted his financial fecklessness its the consequences. This is who he is, accept it, or move on. Waiting for someone to be something they are obviously not, is a miserable existence for both parties.

I think he sounds charming, and so do you, you have accepted him as he is, let him have his van experience and see if he does save or just spends more! If it doesn't work out he will have to go back to renting a room again

He has his faults (like we all do) but he sounds like a lovely person. I think possibly part of the reason you are finding the van idea enraging is because it highlights the negatives about him - the financial fecklessness, and the ultimate precariousness of his situation (how will he cope when he's older/becomes ill). He's giving up a comfortable rental and as you say there is the potential for this to affect his job if it doesn't work out.

If he's looking at a starter caravan now maybe he is at least realising it is going to be difficult. Maybe the procrastination will delay it for a while at least. I hope you'll let us know how he gets on.