Boyfriend is moving to a caravan

[Stuckinarut81]

I think maybe I’m being a dick about this but it’s pissing me off and I’m trying to explore why.

My bf and I have been together for 2 years. We don’t live together but see each other a lot as he lives nearby, and he stays over usually 2 or 3 nights a week. He’s 56. He is fucking abysmal with money, hasn’t got a pot to piss in and is always broke no matter how much he earns. That in itself isn’t really a problem as we live separately and obviously have separate finances, and there are no plans to change that.

Hes currently renting a room from a friend in a nearby town. He’s just decided that he wants to live in a caravan. Partly because he has some romantic notion of living ‘off-grid’, and partly because he thinks it will save him money. The place that he works has plenty of land and they have said he can put a caravan there.

He hasn’t actually got any money to buy a caravan at the moment, but he’s hoping to move there in the next few weeks.

The thing is, I lived in a caravan myself for 5 years from the age of 19-24, in my New Age traveller days. So I have a very good understanding of what it’s like. And largely it’s miserable. The only good thing about it for me was the social aspect but he won’t have that as he’ll be in a field on his own. This may seem hypocritical as I have lived that way myself, but that was my misspent youth, and he’s middle aged.

I also don’t think he’ll save any money at all as in return for staying there he’s drawn up a big plan of things he can do in exchange for rent to improve the place. I can just see the lines between what he should be paid for and what he is doing for free getting very blurred. He is self employed there so no fixed wage.

And I also see him turning up here daily for a bath, to wash clothes or whatever. It’s going to end up costing me loads of money for him to live like that. My not very big house is also likely to become his storage place for any of his many items of expensive electrical equipment when he realises that caravans are freezing and damp.

To add to all that, I certainly won’t want to go there and see him as I used to work where he works (before he did) and it ended there on bad terms so I don’t particularly want to go and hang out there.

I dunno, maybe If I didn’t have my own experiences of it I’d be more up for it, but as it is I just feel like he’s moving into a space I left behind a long time ago. And I get irrationally annoyed when he starts talking about it. Am I being a dick? Should I support his dream? Even though I think he’s nuts?

he firmly believes that if it all goes belly-up someone will rescue him.

I'm guessing that you're worried, deep down, that you may have to come to his rescue, even if he would never intend that to happen.

I think he should sort out all out for himself.
If he really wants to have a self sufficient life, he needs to be able to do it himself.

And make absolutely sure he knows that your home is not available as his storage area, or laundry, or bath house.

He hasn’t actually got any money to buy a caravan at the moment, but he’s hoping to move there in the next few weeks.

How will this happen then or when you say you might help him buy one - do you mean financially?

Christ no - he’s on his own with paying for it.

has he looked here www.diggersanddreamers.org.uk/

I’m 51, I know a few men like this. ‘Free spirits’. I.e. feckless & always wants others to pick up the pieces

They all have younger girlfriends that they’re ‘lovely’ too. They know which side their bread is buttered.

They’re looking for a nurse & a purse as my sis says

Not saying your guy is like this but I’d find his lack of basic critical reasoning very unattractive

He sounds like he's going to let personal hygiene slide once he moves in there. Grim.

if he decides he doesn’t want to work there anymore he also doesn’t have anywhere to live

Would he be able to move in with his daughter?

I think there's a vast middle ground between boring golf playing middle manager waiting around for his pension and semi-homeless, financially illiterate, ex-cult member with no common sense. Just because you might not be interested in the former doesn't mean you have to put up with the latter.
I know a lot of those sorts too MadamBatty Thats why my tolerance is so very low! They ALWAYS have a younger girlfriend and they always seem to land on their feet because some kind woman enables it.
I dunno OP. I still think you are wasting your best years on a loser but I don't think we can talk you round so good luck!

The entire situation including him sounds undesirable OP . Isn't it a waste of your emotional energy and time having to endlessly point out the many practical pitfalls of grown mans obviously daft and not very viable plans. Fond of him or not he sounds frustratingly unwilling to cater to sense and you are going to turn into his mother. Useless with money as well even when he earns? You may well say you won't be footing the bill OP but it seems like you feel sorry for him and will. Even if the freebie is bed and board and hot water at yours, you're still paying and he knows that. He isn't provisioning for himself or retirement and you're his safety net and he's getting by on this image of free spirited naivety.

I think I'd just view it as selfish immaturity and a lack of commitment.

So he already stays at yours 2-3 nights a week. Does he take a bath or shower on those days already? If not will you need to be crystal clear and No to using your electric, water, towels, toiletries etc.

He might not ask that you “do his washing” but if he sticks in a load to wash and dry on his nights with you it will be tough for you to say no unless you make it clear upfront now rather than the first time he tries it.

What will you do if the van springs a leak, there is a massive cold snap or storm, electric goes down - is your home open for him?

But I sense that you feel uncomfortable having to have straight forward conversations with him about these boundaries - do you feel you can do it? how do you think he will react?

Honestly the pair of you sound a lot of fun. Crack on.

Next!

I think he sounds quite nice. Batshit, but nice.

I think you should show an interest and prevent him buying a total pig of a caravan. But you seem to have excellent boundaries and there's no reason to think they'll change. Or that he'll suddenly change to being a leech when that's not been in his nature thus far. On the contrary, people who want to live in caravans are pretty independent as a rule.

Yes he does have baths when he comes over (he’s in it now actually ), but he will fairly regularly stick some money on my gas/electric cards. I’m not profiting from him but he’s not costing me anything either, I think it’s about right.

Hope you keep us informed of his adventures setting up a caravan OP! our damp island is not really conducive to overwintering in a caravan unless loads of money is chucked at the idea.

Yes OP please keep us updated - I feel invested now

Let him crack on but have rules about him not using your bath/washing machine/dryer or that he pays x for each.
And only x amount of overnights

@Stuckinarut81 there are plenty of kind blokes that aren't 20 years older. In ten years he'll be pretty much 70!

static or touring caravan?!

i could live in a static personally but a touring caravan is bloody batshit

Ok so a little update.

He’s just had a meeting with his work about how it will all work if he moves a caravan there and apparently it’s all good, so he’s going ahead.

He’s off to view a caravan this weekend. He asked me if he bought it could I tow it to his work for him (he doesn’t have a car with a tow bar).

Guess what my answer was

God h'es grim.

Really he sounds like a decent bloke if a bit mad. He doesn’t sound like a cocklodger at all - he clearly expects to pay his way. If he stays a couple of nights and bathes then, pays the electric for a wash cycle once a week and continues being the loving and kind partner you care a lot for, helping and supporting you with your issues - what’s the problem? It doesn’t affect you unless you say yes to something you want to say no to, be it storing electricals or one bath too many. He sounds respectful of your boundaries.

I really don’t get the hate he is receiving on this thread.

He may hate it, he find it is fun for a while, or he way love it passionately but it is his decision and he’s a grown up.

Why doesn’t he wait until Spring?

Your answer either “yes, what a great idea” or “Hell no!”

Please say you told him no. I'm so glad you have strong boundaries. This is just stupid. I was in a van earlier this month in Cumbria, a lodge insulated one. If you turned the heat off, it was fucking cold.

I don’t think there’s anything necessarily wrong with his plan. I’ve lived in a caravan and I actually quite like it and would happily do it again. So be supportive and there’s nowt wrong with helping out a bit with things like towing it somewhere for him. If he was just a mate and asked you, would you do it? You say he’s emotionally supportive to you so be the same back? However, don’t get taken for a mug. No weekly washing etc. He’ll have to find a laundrette. Maybe write down your boundaries now and have that convo with him so there’s no future misunderstandings