Boyfriend is moving to a caravan

[Stuckinarut81]

I think maybe I’m being a dick about this but it’s pissing me off and I’m trying to explore why.

My bf and I have been together for 2 years. We don’t live together but see each other a lot as he lives nearby, and he stays over usually 2 or 3 nights a week. He’s 56. He is fucking abysmal with money, hasn’t got a pot to piss in and is always broke no matter how much he earns. That in itself isn’t really a problem as we live separately and obviously have separate finances, and there are no plans to change that.

Hes currently renting a room from a friend in a nearby town. He’s just decided that he wants to live in a caravan. Partly because he has some romantic notion of living ‘off-grid’, and partly because he thinks it will save him money. The place that he works has plenty of land and they have said he can put a caravan there.

He hasn’t actually got any money to buy a caravan at the moment, but he’s hoping to move there in the next few weeks.

The thing is, I lived in a caravan myself for 5 years from the age of 19-24, in my New Age traveller days. So I have a very good understanding of what it’s like. And largely it’s miserable. The only good thing about it for me was the social aspect but he won’t have that as he’ll be in a field on his own. This may seem hypocritical as I have lived that way myself, but that was my misspent youth, and he’s middle aged.

I also don’t think he’ll save any money at all as in return for staying there he’s drawn up a big plan of things he can do in exchange for rent to improve the place. I can just see the lines between what he should be paid for and what he is doing for free getting very blurred. He is self employed there so no fixed wage.

And I also see him turning up here daily for a bath, to wash clothes or whatever. It’s going to end up costing me loads of money for him to live like that. My not very big house is also likely to become his storage place for any of his many items of expensive electrical equipment when he realises that caravans are freezing and damp.

To add to all that, I certainly won’t want to go there and see him as I used to work where he works (before he did) and it ended there on bad terms so I don’t particularly want to go and hang out there.

I dunno, maybe If I didn’t have my own experiences of it I’d be more up for it, but as it is I just feel like he’s moving into a space I left behind a long time ago. And I get irrationally annoyed when he starts talking about it. Am I being a dick? Should I support his dream? Even though I think he’s nuts?

I'd watch him do it with interest. Don't make it any easier by letting him use your place for washing etc. What would he do if you weren't together? Hopefully he will only have £50 and it'll be the dampest coldest caravan ever and he'll have the whole notion of of his system by mid November.

We all have mad dreams, good on him for going for it. Hopefully it won't work out though! I'd want no part of it, nor would I want to be partnered with a caravaner, so I don't think you're being unreasonable... but don't just bin him off either. Let him try it with no assistance and he may come scurrying back to bricks and mortar. If he does love it and wants to live like that forever then maybe he's not a good match for you. Just seems a bit premature to being getting rid so quickly when this may fall flat on its face anyway!

Thing is, if you say no to him doing his washing, having a shower, etc at yours then you’re going to be the bad guy aren’t you?

Have you actually spoken to him about specific concerns and laid out your fears to him? If he doesn’t really engage then that in itself is a bad quality in a man.

I have spoken to him about why I think it’s a daft idea. I haven’t really spoken to him about why it pisses me off that he is doing this, because I haven’t really been able to articulate that even in my own mind.

I’m not going to dump him for it but I need to stop being so grumpy with him whenever he mentions it.

I went out with someone a little bit like this, and I think part of the problem was the lack of critical thinking and research. I mean, if less than 5 minutes of googling will show you that something isn’t practical/legal, or what they are suggesting has massive flaws [no washing machine/shower] that they haven’t realised themselves, then it makes you question their intelligence and feel a bit cringe on their behalf.

Also, it can come across as really un self aware. It can actually feel quite uncomfortable to watch someone who is fooling themselves.

What is the actual problem then?

He's in his 50s and this is how he wants to live

You've lived this way when you were young and realised that it's not for you

Do you ever plan to marry/live together?

When someone says they are shit with money often there is a reason - is he drinking? Smoking? Gambling? A single guy with the minimum of outgoings - why is he broke?

We have an "off grid" caravan that is perfectly liveable in year round.

However, it's taken a fair bit of investment to get it that way.

Ground rules, op.

1. You need to refuse to store any of his stuff - he has to get a lock-up or sell, dump or give away anything he can't fit in his caravan.

1. And he needs to use a laundrette.

If he's a hard worker and practical, he'll manage alright, and you seem into him, so I would just be firm on those two things from the off and let the cards fall.

So basically he's going from 80 quid a week for a room and an en suite, to a shit caravan in a field for 120?

Has he said how he will do his laundry and shower etc?

Moving into a van and living off the land is one thing but why do it on the cusp of winter and not in spring/summer?

Why can’t he wait 5 months or so, and plan and save properly?

I agree with others that he will use your place as free laundry/bathing/storage/dining facilities!

You'll be a 38 year old homeowner dating a homeless guy in his 50s. The fuck, WHY, woman? He's not "kind", hes got his "con" mask on.

It goes without saying, but that caravan will be parked on your front lawn and he will be parked on your sofa.

He doesn’t annoy me like every other man I’ve ever been with has

Really? Because he sounds really quite annoying to me

If he wanted to do the living in a shitty caravan thing and had completely thought it through and had A Plan, that would be one thing. But he's got his fingers in his ears going lalalala not planning for anything, which would be his problem except you both know you're his backstop.

nice in theory not so good in practice i know from experience

He doesn’t look (or act!) anything like his age and he’s very handsome

Give him one winter in a frozen caravan and that'll change soon enough - except that by then he'll be begging to move in with you "just until I get back on my feet"

I can just about see the appeal of this when you're young and adventurous, but at 56 it's beyond parody and, IMO, the mark of a complete loser

In all honesty I’m not desperately impressed with the self-serving achievements of contemporary adulthood - so I have nothing against someone middle aged still chasing an alternative.

However. It doesn’t sound as if he has either the financial resources or family/friend support to make this work - and yet he’s determined to do it now. Because he firmly believes that if it all goes belly-up someone will rescue him.

(I’m close to someone very like this - the difference is they have entirely given up any hope of rescue from any source.)

Really sad that he couldn’t scape the money together to join you on the holiday in France with your DC’s .... you running a household of children single handedly could manage this and pay for multiple people (the DCs).......why can’t he?

Because he doesn’t want to. You, your relationship and your family are not his priority. Does he prioritise his money on a long term habit instead? Is he a gentle smiling addict? Where is his cash going - assuming earning £600/week £80 on rent - where is the other £520 going?

Once you have busted your gut getting your own children independent and have some time and money for yourself - how are you going to spend it ? Picking up the pieces for some old crusty in his 60’s who hasn’t made any provision for himself? That’s just around the corner.....

I like him he's sounds like a nice guy 🤗

Is he really good in bed?

I don't think there is much you can say about him wanting to live in a caravan during winter. As long as his lack of common sense doesn't affect you, I'd just tell him to crack on with it.

Hope you aren't being set up to be his nurse with a purse in the future.

You love who you love. You sound a sensible person who knows what you're doing.

In terms of his choices though, perhaps try to sit down with him once and just once and explain exactly how you feel. Admit that it makes you irritated and pissed off, even if you're not sure why. State very clearly what your boundaries are going to be, if things get tough. For instance, that you'll let him use your shower once a week when he's already staying over, but not the washing machine. If you are clear that he has to figure out other arrangements ahead of time for heat, washing, laundry, etc and can't expect to rely on you. Then once you've said all this, let him make his own decision about what to do, don't complain any more, but also stick 100% to what you said you'd do.

At the end of the day it's his mistake to make, not yours. As long as you absolutely clear from the start what your boundaries are, don't let yourself feel guilty when it all goes tits up in a few months time.

God I must be as shallow as a puddle as my fanny just shrivelled up reading about him and his lifestyle. I can’t imagine anything less attractive than a man in his mid 50s (my partner is the same age) who has no money, no pension, no prospects, no home, no facility to bathe or wash his clothes.

I’m all for people living unconventional lives but as long as they pay their way, and have some sort of loose plan for their future and retirement. All I can see here is a strong likelihood that he’ll move in by stealth, or at the very least use your place for storage, bathing and laundry. The dynamic between you will shift and given the 18 year age gap you’ll almost be like his housekeeper.

Be clear that he cannot use your place for storage and for showering/washing clothes etc. and then let him get on with it. It´s his dream. We all have good of dreaming a little and following foolish projects from time to time. I doubt he will end up living in a caravan for life, but why not try it out for a while if he wants to.

"I’m 38 but had a fairly fucking depressing few years before him dating absolute dickheads off of t’internet. He is the kindest person I’ve ever met, and I’m certainly not perfect so 🤷‍♀️"

Here's an idea and a perhaps novel one for you at that - love your own self for a change. You do not love yourself at all and your self worth has taken a real battering at the hands of lousy men; this one who sensed your vulnerabilities to exploit and use being yet another example. It also makes me wonder what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up.

Was your father feckless or otherwise emotionally absent too when you were young?. Did you properly work out in counselling why you keep on going for older men (father figures?).

If he is the kindest person you have ever met then it really does confirm to me that your relationship bar is really on the floor. This man is yet another absolute dickhead. It never fails to amaze me either how much such men as well do for others yet when it comes to their supposed girlfriend, they could not do less or care less about or for her. You are being used yet again here by another loser.

In all honesty I’m not desperately impressed with the self-serving achievements of contemporary adulthood - so I have nothing against someone middle aged still chasing an alternative

Same here.

I like him too Onemansoapopera he sounds exasperating but fun!