Boyfriend is moving to a caravan

[Stuckinarut81]

I think maybe I’m being a dick about this but it’s pissing me off and I’m trying to explore why.

My bf and I have been together for 2 years. We don’t live together but see each other a lot as he lives nearby, and he stays over usually 2 or 3 nights a week. He’s 56. He is fucking abysmal with money, hasn’t got a pot to piss in and is always broke no matter how much he earns. That in itself isn’t really a problem as we live separately and obviously have separate finances, and there are no plans to change that.

Hes currently renting a room from a friend in a nearby town. He’s just decided that he wants to live in a caravan. Partly because he has some romantic notion of living ‘off-grid’, and partly because he thinks it will save him money. The place that he works has plenty of land and they have said he can put a caravan there.

He hasn’t actually got any money to buy a caravan at the moment, but he’s hoping to move there in the next few weeks.

The thing is, I lived in a caravan myself for 5 years from the age of 19-24, in my New Age traveller days. So I have a very good understanding of what it’s like. And largely it’s miserable. The only good thing about it for me was the social aspect but he won’t have that as he’ll be in a field on his own. This may seem hypocritical as I have lived that way myself, but that was my misspent youth, and he’s middle aged.

I also don’t think he’ll save any money at all as in return for staying there he’s drawn up a big plan of things he can do in exchange for rent to improve the place. I can just see the lines between what he should be paid for and what he is doing for free getting very blurred. He is self employed there so no fixed wage.

And I also see him turning up here daily for a bath, to wash clothes or whatever. It’s going to end up costing me loads of money for him to live like that. My not very big house is also likely to become his storage place for any of his many items of expensive electrical equipment when he realises that caravans are freezing and damp.

To add to all that, I certainly won’t want to go there and see him as I used to work where he works (before he did) and it ended there on bad terms so I don’t particularly want to go and hang out there.

I dunno, maybe If I didn’t have my own experiences of it I’d be more up for it, but as it is I just feel like he’s moving into a space I left behind a long time ago. And I get irrationally annoyed when he starts talking about it. Am I being a dick? Should I support his dream? Even though I think he’s nuts?

I guess that you might have to go along with your partners whacky ideas if you love him. Whacky is the wrong word though,as there are many people who would like a different life style, as you already know.

You speak highly of him regarding most things,so I don't think he will lumber you with to much hardship in your life.

You maybe should keep a diary about his escapades, out in the sticks,and,then write about it on here,it would be interesting I am sure.

My village is quite full of professional and pretentious people,I myself,prefer people with an alternative life and view points. !

Honestly he sounds like my mums ex. He moved in on her when she was recently divorced claiming his house was being repossessed or something to that effect. Ending up moving in with us way sooner than I feel my mum would have liked and over a span of 20 years accrued more and more debt. Spent money like water and essentially sponged and cocklodged for 20+ years whist she paid for everything! She divorced him in the end for very good reason! The squandering of money was just the tip of the iceberg! He was a complete sociopath! Do yourself a favour and get rid. It won’t end well! These types of people are forever the victim of their own misfortune. He’s 56 and acts like a teenager!

He is obsessed with an idea, and he is going to drive on with that idea. In reality, what he is doing is scaling down his responsibilities in life so they are less and less. The helping people is a need for approval. Even having a utility bill of any kind scares him because of his fear of authority and control. He cannot even commit to paying rent anymore. He wont change anytime soon. There will come a day when you will invite him to live in your house, probably next Feb when he is frozen in the caravan. He will offer to do odd jobs for you in exchange.

You say a mate is letting him park the caravan on his land, and he wants to start farming. It’s one thing having a caravan parked in the corner of the field, another having that mate put in an allotment patch, get some sheep/cow/hens/goats, put up solar panels etc. Will the mate allow this mini homestead develop?

I hope you read my second paragraph, MarianaMoatedGrange?

I absolutely don’t approve of any attempt on his part to impose on the OP.

Is his name something like 'Leaf' or 'Sparrowhawk'?

I suppose it's better he tries now (and finds out what winter is like pretty sharpish) than waits until he can't physically survive the first cold snap.

I'd definitely say no to hot baths and electricals storage, though. It would be hypocritical to say 'I'm living off-grid' when the actual grid he is living on happens to be at his girlfriend's house.

Just tell him then! 'How do you plan to shower and wash your clothes when you live there? Where do you plan to store your stuff?' If he turns up at yours to shower and wash clothes, just laugh, 'No can do! My bills are too high already. Come back when you're clean wearing clean clothes.'

If he's that feckless he won't have the money to buy the van anyhow.

I'd never let him live with you.

I feel like I have met at least ten versions of this man. I bet he has a couple of grown up kids he has never paid for..

Oh he’s definitely fun . There’s never a dull moment.

No, no plans to ever live together and definitely not get married.

He does have one adult child who is brilliant, he loves her to bits and has always paid his way towards her and been very involved (she lives nearby). He also has a good relationship with his ex wife.

Where’s his money going in your opinion OP?

Then your only problem is really being firm about refusing to store his stuff and not becoming his laundrette. I'd tell him that from the off, and hopefully let go of your frustration about what he's doing.

Maybe defending him against the "vipers" will help with that .

I don't understand the majority of these posts. How is he a 'sponger', 'user', 'cocklodger', 'stingy', etc? OP herself said that they have separate money, he never asked her for a thing and is generous when he has the money. So how is he a 'cocklodger'? Because he MIGHT store some things at her house and MIGHT use her bath/washing machine in the future (then again, he MIGHT not)?

His lifestyle may not be for everyone, but it's his choice, his life, and he can choose to live it however he wants. He's an adult man and doesn't have to change his views/wishes, just because OP would prefer something different (I know I wouldn't). So he's shit with money, so what? He manages somehow, doesn't ask for money from OP, does he? Fair enough, if OP doesn't like this, but she (and anyone else) can't expect a grownup man to change 'just because'. He's 56 and managed so far. OP herself said, that their finances are separate and will be so in the future, she doesn't want to live with him and doesn't want to marry him, just date him. Yet other posters here think it's perfectly reasonable to change who you are for a 'no strings' girlfriend.

I know the type of man OP is talking about. Older, handsome, charming, 'la boheme', a bit crazy and very charismatic. Met a few before, have a good friend like that. They may sound bad on paper, but in reality they're very popular with women and never short of a girlfriend (or two, or several). If you don't like his lifestyle, then leave him, OP. You sound smart and sensible and you'll be fine. He'll be too.

OK so I have a few people living in caravans around the place.
There are good ways to do this, but he isnt going around it in a good way.

The land his friends are - he may be offering a days wages for work, BUT he could be on very sticky ground as legally unless he is an agricultural worker employed by them, or is living in simply a room with no cooking facilities and eating with them, he cannot stay for more than 28 days a year. So are they a farm? We have a couple of farm workers who live in caravans on our farm - one is in a mobile home which is properly connected to the mains for water and electrics, and one is in a smaller caravan in a covered barn. She had a woodburner fitted a month ago to be ready for the winter - she is under cover but also had it completely insulated and resealed. You need to know what you are doing with fitting a woodburner too or you could set fire to the whole thing (another aquainstance did this)
I have another 2 friends who live in a contraption of 2 caravans with a covered/insulated section between them. again they have electric and gas and an amazing woodburner. They have a cover over the whole area because of the damp and the rain - which is a big thing in this country!
2 others are woodsmen and live in the woods. Again, woodburners, electrics, water connected, caravans well insulated, covered over areas between the 2 vans, lots of insulation because everything, even with this preparation, gets damp.
So IF they are allowed him to stay under agricultural worker terms he is going to need a decent van, and in order to make it year round livable its going to need work. He is going to need hard standing. He is going to need to ensure he has a dry path to and from the van, maybe a decked /palletted bit outside. It needs to be watertight - you cannot be doing this in Nov /Jan.
And now is not the time to be growing veg. and tilling the land.

If he is serious he needs to keep his own plavce while he finds and prepares his pitch, gets his infrastructure in place - and spend some time looking at vans and finding out from people who actually live in them what he needs to do to make it OK. Then at least he has the spring / summer / autumn to fix it up. To start thinking about heading off to the wilderness at this time of year is beyond foolhardy.

I think he sounds like a sweet dreamer. Okay, he might have unrealistic ideas, but he's got the important stuff covered - he's a good father, kind, supportive. He doesn't seem to want to sponge off you. I think that so long as you keep your finances and homes separate, then this could be okay. He'll either make it work in the caravan (if he actually does it, once he's looked into it) or he won't. But it doesn't really matter. If it goes tits up, he will have to rent somewhere else. No biggie.
I wouldn't store his stuff, but I wouldn't be averse to doing some laundry for him. He sounds better than the boring bastards you read about on here who leave their wives to go off cycling or playing golf all weekend.

Where will he poop? And wash after pooping? And just wash generally?

How good are you at saying no in the face of sad puppy eyes? If you are good at it then you are fine. Tell him in advance, with a laugh, that you don't want him moving in by stealth, ha ha: no washing gets done here, nothing gets stored here, no more than 2-3 nights a week here. Then stick to that. He'll turn up sad and desperate after a cold night / dampness / sick of laundromat etc but you would have to say no.

I wouldn't try to explain why you think it is stupid. Let him crack on. Let him sink or swim in as quick a time as possible on his own merits. Don't rescue. Don't back him into a corner where he doesn't want to admit it was a stupid idea because you be all smug I told you so. Your mantra can be "Brave choice. Good luck with that."

His money goes on rent, paying off debt, ridiculously high car insurance because he had an accident and didn’t have protected no claims, fuel, expensive phone contract etc etc. He doesn’t drink at all (stopped a year ago).

He’ll wash in his shower in the caravan apparently 🤷‍♀️. He hates showers at the best of times, is much more of a bath person. Also he’s 6’2”.

I’m feeling a lot less ragey about it all now, so I think it’s been helpful to talk things through here. He is bonkers but I think I just have to let him get this out of his system.

And yes he would be allowed to put up polytunnels and grow stuff, that’s all been agreed by his boss. He isn’t planning on getting any animals (he’s a vegetarian).

Does he have any family close enough (in affection and distance) to look after him if even mild disaster strikes?

I’m already worrying about whether there is any agreement with the landowners regarding the length of time he could be off work before they evict him. What if he gets flu? That could be two or three weeks before he’s up do doing odd jobs outside in the cold. What if he breaks a leg? Aside from work in lieu of rent, how would he manage about food, wood, clean clothes for six weeks or more?

You mentioned he’d lived in a cult before. I don’t suggest that - but he really might be better off joining a well organised and established commune where there is some agreement on mutual support.

Being ill when you live alone can be hard even in a cosy house or flat with Ocado on tap. I wouldn’t fancy it in a less than luxury caravan, out of fuel and food in the middle of winter.

No all of his family are either abroad or the other end of the country. Apart from his daughter.

He has a good relationship with the guy he works for, my worry is that with this slightly vague arrangement it could all turn sour. And if he decides he doesn’t want to work there anymore he also doesn’t have anywhere to live.

I'd be clear on boundaries as to storing of stuff and use of utilities, and I do think it sounds a bit bonkers. But you obviously love him, that comes through in your posts, and he sounds very kind. That would matter a lot to me as well.

Maybe let him get on with it, see how he deals? If it doesn't work out, he will have tried it, gotten it out of his system, and he'll have to go from there. That's the way it will be.

For me, the important thing is that you aren't propping him up financially.

He actually sounds nice. The world needs more dreamers. We need colour in all our grey.

He sounds pretty cool OP! Different, sure, but who says ‘the dream’ should be being tied down to a mortgage etc? I think sometimes people are so fixated on what we ‘should’ be doing because society expects it, rather than just doing as we wish because that’s what makes us happy.

You sound well-suited really and as though you are both on the same wavelength - don’t want to marry, happy to live apart etc. I think you do just have to ride this phase out and see what happens the the caravan. It certainly doesn’t sound like you should end things :)

Even if I wanted to prop him up financially (which obviously I don’t - I’m not mad), he wouldn’t have it. He’s pretty old school, he likes to be the one to pay for things, opens the car door for me etc, and if he wasn’t such a div when it came to money I’m sure he’d want to pay for everything. But he is a div so I often pay my own way, which of course is fine. His pride wouldn’t allow him to ever sponge off me. Not that I’ve got a lot for him to be able to sponge .

He is cool and I do love the funny old bugger. I think it’s fair to say that I have taken the road less traveled in life so whilst I’m sure to many he sounds like a nightmare, he doesn’t seem like it to me. I think maybe it’s like having teenage dc, when you don’t want them to make the same mistakes you did, and that’s why I was huffy about the idea. But I guess I have to let him crack on, let him figure this out for himself and be more supportive. I might even help him buy a caravan (I know a lot more about them than he does).