Boyfriend is moving to a caravan

[Stuckinarut81]

I think maybe I’m being a dick about this but it’s pissing me off and I’m trying to explore why.

My bf and I have been together for 2 years. We don’t live together but see each other a lot as he lives nearby, and he stays over usually 2 or 3 nights a week. He’s 56. He is fucking abysmal with money, hasn’t got a pot to piss in and is always broke no matter how much he earns. That in itself isn’t really a problem as we live separately and obviously have separate finances, and there are no plans to change that.

Hes currently renting a room from a friend in a nearby town. He’s just decided that he wants to live in a caravan. Partly because he has some romantic notion of living ‘off-grid’, and partly because he thinks it will save him money. The place that he works has plenty of land and they have said he can put a caravan there.

He hasn’t actually got any money to buy a caravan at the moment, but he’s hoping to move there in the next few weeks.

The thing is, I lived in a caravan myself for 5 years from the age of 19-24, in my New Age traveller days. So I have a very good understanding of what it’s like. And largely it’s miserable. The only good thing about it for me was the social aspect but he won’t have that as he’ll be in a field on his own. This may seem hypocritical as I have lived that way myself, but that was my misspent youth, and he’s middle aged.

I also don’t think he’ll save any money at all as in return for staying there he’s drawn up a big plan of things he can do in exchange for rent to improve the place. I can just see the lines between what he should be paid for and what he is doing for free getting very blurred. He is self employed there so no fixed wage.

And I also see him turning up here daily for a bath, to wash clothes or whatever. It’s going to end up costing me loads of money for him to live like that. My not very big house is also likely to become his storage place for any of his many items of expensive electrical equipment when he realises that caravans are freezing and damp.

To add to all that, I certainly won’t want to go there and see him as I used to work where he works (before he did) and it ended there on bad terms so I don’t particularly want to go and hang out there.

I dunno, maybe If I didn’t have my own experiences of it I’d be more up for it, but as it is I just feel like he’s moving into a space I left behind a long time ago. And I get irrationally annoyed when he starts talking about it. Am I being a dick? Should I support his dream? Even though I think he’s nuts?

Sounds like a stingy, borderline cocklodger to me. He’ll be dropping off his clothes soon enough for a wash and iron while he’s using your hot water to scrape the compost and poo off his arse.

Well he won’t make old bones if he attempts the ‘worst winter in 50 years’ in a dirt cheap caravan. He’ll be hospitalised with pneumonia within a couple of weeks. Then they’ll ask him if he has any family he could stay with ...

@Stuckinarut81 ewwww your last post is a game changer. He's TWENTY YEARS OLDER THAN YOU AND WANTS TO LIVE IN A VAN.

You can definitely, one hundred percent do better. Pls value yourself and stop dating someone old enough to be your dad. I get you've been hurt in the past, maybe take some time to build your self esteem?

@mashedspud I definitely wouldn’t call him stingy, he’s very generous when he can afford to be (another reason he can’t save), and he’s always doing things for people, he’ll put himself out to do anyone a favour if they need it. He volunteers to cook for the old folk once a month. He’s a nice guy, just crap with money.

He’d also never expect me to do his laundry. He might want to put it in my machine, but he’d never actually expect me to do it.

Am laughing at those last two posts. Maybe it’s laugh or cry.

Yes he is lot older than me, I have always gone for older men, yes I have explored this in counselling . And yes I have most definitely been hurt in the past, which is why his kindness is so appealing. Most blokes aren’t kind.

Just be careful he doesn’t start the old sob story to use your place as a free laundrette/bathhouse.

You have an abundance of patience that’s for sure.

He sounds like a shambles. Why is he in his 50s with zero money / security? He clearly doesn't think things through. And this is just another mad idea that will backfire (probably onto you). You're young! Don't tether yourself to this silly situation.

I also see him turning up here daily for a bath, to wash clothes or whatever. It’s going to end up costing me loads of money for him to live like that. My not very big house is also likely to become his storage place for any of his many items of expensive electrical equipment when he realises that caravans are freezing and damp.

Correct, and all his belongings will have moved into yours, and he will be using all your utilities, but contributing nothing... but if you're happy with that.. crack on.

This would be a massive turn off

Does he see himself as a prepper? Nothing wrong with that if you want to live that way. It is you that has to decide how you want your future to look like. He is not going to change if he is a prepper.

No...don’t think he’s prepping for anything. Except to be able to buy some land and live ‘off grid’ permanently.

You can’t just put a caravan up wherever you feel like it, and move in. There are planning restrictions. That will apply now and to any plot he buys in the future.
His head is up his ass and although his ideas are nice the reality may not be. Especially the reality of being there alone without you as you dont like the owner if the land. Make sure he knows the extent of your feelings and that this won’t change.

I’d make it clear that “I respect your wish to be environmentally friendly, don’t worry, I will never let you use my washing machine as I know it would be against your principles”.
See what his response is. That should help you decide if he’s being sensible or stupid. I’ve washed clothes in buckets before for six months. It takes time and loads of rinsing, and nothing’s ever white but it is possible if he chooses to do that.

I would mention that my friends friend lives in a large wooden hut but with solar panels, a log burning stove that stays on all night I believe, and has lights and a generator for whenever extra power is needed. He does fine. 365 days a year. Don’t know where his bath is but I imagine outside with a wood fire under a metal bath kinda set up. Possibly for laundry too. He’s like a wild woodsman. But quite happy. The cold is the worst in winter. But the log burner seems to be key.

I think you both sound like lovely and intelligent people. Choosing a different path isn't necessarily a bad thing. His situation is just that - his own responsibility so who am I to judge whether he has a pension or other 'stuff'.

I think you could make it work with some ground rules and sticking to them.

He is planning to put a wood burner in. Despite being daft as a brush he is very practical and good at making/fixing stuff, so I’m sure he’ll make it as nice as it can be.

It all just seems like fucking hard work when best case scenario he trades a day’s labour for rent every week, and that’s £120. He’s currently paying £80 pw to live in a really nice house in a lovely room with an en suite. I just don’t understand why he wants to put himself through this.

He did move to Mexico to live in a cult for a while in the 90s so he does have form for being batshit.

And I have explained the legalities of buying land and living on it multiple times. I have several friends who have done this successfully, but only because they have been able to do so because they have traveller status, which won’t apply to him.

Oh love. I thought you were also in your 50s..You are 38! ! You are in your prime! Don't waste these years on an old waster!
You don't know why it bothers you? Here's why:
1)You have been there and done that. You know it's not that great. You were young when you lived in a van, he is old enough to know better.
2) It's all very well being independent (lone mum fist bump here) BUT when you do decide to share your life in some way with a man its really really good if he can, in some way, be relied on to look after YOU sometimes. It's OK to want that. Give yourself permission.
Don't settle for just kindness. Yes it's important but so are lots of other things, like responsibility and self respect.

Move on.

Mexico is a lot warmer than the uk on winter I would think ha ha! But if he can sort his own wood burner that may be the answer. Frightened to ask what he’d burn right enough. He’d need a wood store to keep the green wood in til it dries out and can be burned. But he could build that. You know this may work out ok for him. It’s your relationship that will change as you can’t pop over to see him when you like. Has he a mobile phone. Is there reception there. It could work, who knows!

To be fair his 17 year old car has been more environmentally friendly rather than having a new one every three years like so many people do now. It does have to pass emissions test at not so can't be that bad!

I really wouldn’t describe him as a waster. He’s charismatic, charming, and has led a very interesting life. He’s universally loved by everyone in our small town. He doesn’t look (or act!) anything like his age and he’s very handsome. He does look after me, ok not financially but he’s always there If I need him, and I have a long term illness which he’s very supportive off and helps me out in practical ways when I’m too ill to do stuff.

The caravan thing is just really bothering me. I think maybe I’m being a bit mean.

If he’s as nice as you describe and the only sticking point is him planning to live in a caravan why don’t you offer him to move in with you on a trial basis so he doesn’t need to do the caravan plan?

Love is the answer - for him. One's 50s is sniper alley 'if the thunder don't get you then the lightning will'.

If you believe that then you gotta let him do it and take him in from the cold if necessary.

He'll be old and needy a good few years sooner than you and then, "All you get is a dependent, grumpy, ex dreamer to look after in his dotage and your prime - great." said my friend...

Fuck no I don’t want him living here. His money doesn’t stress me as it’s nothing to do with me whilst we live apart. If we lived together it would become a huge issue. Not putting myself and my DCs in that danger. We like living apart anyway. Neither of us are hankering after a life under one roof. I don’t want to live with any man for that matter.

Well let him crack on with it. And keep your options open maybe for someone with better prospects? I know that sounds mean but I don’t mean it like that.

It all depends what you want from life. My dh is the same age as yours but is in a great job earning a lot every year. He also has an excellent pension.

But... if your p is supportive, good company, friendly... do those things replace financial reliability?