Caught my husband and now I'm a mess

[bluehairandheartbroken]

I've been on here a while but NC in case it's outing, and because I'm just so ashamed I've let this happen to me. Please be gentle, I'm an absolute mess. I'll try not to drip feed but my head is all over the place.

Bit of background - me and my husband (I can't even write DH) had some issues for a while, mainly just lack of communication and grown apart a bit, no cheating (well I was totally confident there wasn't and now I'm questioning everything). We got back on track (or so I thought, things have been great and we've both been making much more effort with each other. I've actually felt happy for the first time in a long time and he seemed happy too - we constantly tell each other we love each other, cuddle, the sex has improved/got more regular too (which I know now from reading other posts on here should have been a red flag. I'm so fucking stupid).

We're moving house very soon - deposit is all paid, kids have chosen their rooms, we have a moving in date and have our move out date for our current house. We've both said how we're really looking forward to a fresh start.

During our issues I had some major self esteem issues and kept convincing myself he was cheating. I checked his phone a few times (I know I shouldn't have and I'm not proud), never found anything. I've got help for myself with the anxiety and self esteem and was finally feeling back on track. Fast forward to this week and something has niggled at me and I couldnt figure out why - he was on his phone a lot but he's always been like that and it's never bothered me before.

Anyway - I looked at his phone last night before bed and saw a text from a well known hook up site (not even a dating site - this site is well known for being purely for sex). At first I tried to think maybe it was innocent as we've actually talked about joining this very site as a couple! But nope. I've found him, he's looking for couples and single women. He's even been verified by someone which I think usually means you have to have met up with them or done something on cam with them. He's been on the site for 3 weeks and was last active on there last night.

I'm absolutely heartbroken, literally I'm beside myself, I know it sounds pathetic and I thought I was stronger than this but I've called in sick to work and all I've done all morning is sit on the floor and sob and retch/try not to throw up. I know everyone says this but I can't believe he's done this. Only a couple of weeks ago he was telling me he can't believe he nearly lost me, I'm the best thing that ever happened to him and he is going to try everything to show me how much he loves and appreciates me.

I've been with him my whole adult life, since school, we're married and have 2 DC (9 and 7). I don't know how you can do this to someone you're supposed to love. We have a family and a life together, we had so much planned, I really thought it was going to work out after all the crap we've been through - I really thought we were stronger. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach that he might have actually met with someone and done something with them.

He's at work and I don't know what to do. Don't judge me but initially I was going to try and wait til we had moved house (it's not long away now) because the deposit is paid, we can't get it back, nowhere will accept me on my own as my income isn't enough for some reason - despite the fact I work full time. However this was before I realised he'd been verified (meaning he's probably met/chatted very closely with someone) and now I don't think I can pretend for that long and keep having sex with him.

What the fuck do I do? I'm absolutely heartbroken, I just keep thinking about my poor kids, having to give them up every other fucking weekend and being on my own, having to give them up for part of Christmas. I know I'm over thinking it but it's just not fair. I didn't want any of this. I've bent over backwards to make this work, I'm not even being big headed (if anything I have zero confidence right now) but I've been the perfect fucking wife. No one will love and care for that man like I have, I do so much for him. I keep myself looking nice, we have a good sex life. Why is it never enough for so many of these lying bastards? We have a family and a life together, we are supposed to love each other.

I'm thinking now I need to confront him tonight but I'm so scared. Partly because of the house situation and partly because once I do it, there's no going back and my life has changed forever in a way that I never even fucking wanted. Though in fairness I have cried solidly since 8am with no sign of being able to pull myself together so the choice might be out of my hands as he'll know something is up! I actually want to crawl into a hole and die right now. I didn't want this. We were happy, life was finally picking up. We nearly split a few months ago and now I wish we fucking had because my heart is in pieces all over again.

Two words:

Sunk
Costs

Then said he was "just looking". I said ok, log in to your profile and give me your phone then. He went and locked himself in the bathroom and now his profile has gone

I want to ask you this OP...if you hadn't kept the messages what do you think would be the next thing he would have said to you (if you didn't have the proof)? I'm guessing Along the lines of you're crazy, there was no profile, I'm sick of your accusations....

You've said in one if your posts that you've already damaged your mental health by trying to put this relationship right even before this latest episode.

He's ground you down that much you don't seem to trust your own thoughts and decisions - please do the codependency reading I suggested previously.

I have the feeling there's a massive backstory to this that involves serial cheating and you being gaslit to within an inch of your life.

Sorry you are going through this mental torture.

It sounds to me like you are looking for that last bit of proof that he has/is looking to cheat to give yourself the permission to end it. If that rings true, I think you know it's over.

I think you are finding it harder as he was your best friend and you get on well. It would be a lot easier if there were other issues for you to make the decision.

I think you do need a bit of space to clear your head. Hope you get some peace of mind.

OP and @dancemusicsexromance I am so sorry that this has happened/happening to you...
OP if I could be there and give you a hug and take away your pain I truly would and do you know why? Because it is temporary and will ease and then pass. I know this because it happened to me also.
Please bear with me and let me share my story, very similar to @dancemusicexromance. Although I did eventually leave I also stayed for quite a while.
Long story short, we were the perfect couple that our friends aspired to be. Best friends etc. Had a very lovely charmed life 6 weeks abroad a year lovely home, no debt, both in good jobs, lovely social life.
In 2013 it transpired that he had been leading a totally double life. Sex workers/ hook up apps/craiglist/sex groups and porn so obscene there are just no words.
I was so utterly shocked my brain would not accept the reality. I minimised totally forgave him and put the onus on myself to make up the shortfall in our marriage (Blamed myself)
Our sex life was very poor by this time/ deathgrip/ ED and lack of interest. On the rare occasion that I BEGGED he looked at the wall the whole time it was awful.
In this period I dieted and exercised myself away to nothing, tried to become the 'model' wife and mother basically hysterical bonding and pick me dance to keep the relationship going.
To all intent and purposes he played the perfect husband. Areas where he was poor previously he worked very hard on, all jobs done, limited his binge drinking was ultra respectful and tried harder at our sex life.
In 2014 after my intuition sky high and resorting to snooping, I found much more evidence. He denied at first, run away threatened suicide and gaslighted me to the point I had a full breakdown and was carted away by Mental health team.
He moved out to a bedsit opposite a brothel of all places. I was signed off work for a long time.
Again I forgave him. My parents were horrified and begged me to stay away, but he seemed so broken in his grotty bedsit and I missed the good parts of him. I found at then that he had a 17 year old son by his brothers wife. His brother had brought him up for 17 years but it was not biological son it was my exh.
Again I forgave him, tried to get him help. Said that if he felt urges we could get through it 'together'.
2015 said we would move house for a fresh start, went on a landmark special birthday for him as house going through.
Holiday from hell, he went with other women, humiliated me got involved in swinging there and ignored me.
I had had enough by now, tird to get a flight but no luck. Got friendly with a couple of guys form UK who took pity on me and let me hang out with them. One in particular was amazing and supported me emotionally.
On way back home, said I wanted out would sell house and get myself a flat as Son in last year of Course.
He then begged/ threatened suicide etc.
I relented and gave in moved into house but had a plan. I started hiding money/ getting a social life. I was still unable to work having lost my career during this spell but I was now convinced that he would never change and my nagging/wishing things were different was not going to change that.
But let me be clear - during this time I had contracted genital warts had 2 severe breakdowns the last ended up with me in a crisis ward. I lost my career and the respect of my family.
In 2015 I snooped again he had never ever tried to stop. EVER but had secret phones/ codes/apps he had just got better at hiding it.
I calmly left I was ready at last I went into a run down flat to escape with a couple of suitcases and put the house on the market that day. There were no tears I just was worn down to a shell.
I had extensive therapy where I was diagnosed with PSTD, severe anxiety and Dissociative fugue (I was so traumatised I basically detached from myself and buried it so deep so as not to deal with how someone could do that to me)
After a bit I got depression again and started drinking heavily and smoking weed to sleep. Suicidal at this point I went to live in a retreat abroad or I dont think I would be here now.
When I got back I went travelling with a rebound guy just to feel wanted really.
After some time single, the guy I met on holiday got together. We took it slow but after he showed me total devotion love and absolute trust my life with him. We got married a few months ago.
But there is not a person on this planet I hate enough to want to go through that period of my life again.
I like you wanted to rewind my life to a point where I did not know those things. Where I lived a normal peaceful life.
He should have stayed single and let me go as that is love.
Instead I was a cover for his real life and lifestyle. A respectable cover for his real interests which he was never going to give up. Not while I gave him green light to carry on. But even after losing everything he just did not care.
I was 46. I lost everything. But I now have an amazing husband, who doesnt mind that I still have anxiety and can only manage part time work. Who desires and adores me.
I wont tell you to go - but is how he treating you love?
I wished my ex would have left me at least then the choice would have been out of my hands, but he was too selfish to give either up.
I truly have the last laugh though. He is riddled with debt, bald toothless and very overweight now, a real Dorian Gray.
Dont be me OP - fast fwd 10 years I was a very strong person before. If I had got out sooner my story would have been different. But I did meet my Husband x

@Theoscargoesto thank you. I'm glad things are better for you now, and that therapy is helping. I was surprised by just how much counselling is helping me, although I often feel exhausted for days after a tough session!

@Windmillwhirl I wouldn't say finances are keeping him with me really. I did sit and work them out the other day and, if I've done the ums correctly, I could probably just about manage to keep this house and manage to just cover everything. We do want to buy a house one day (if things work out), obviously I'd have to say goodbye to that as I'd never be able to buy a house on my own with my salary but to be honest buying a house isn't the be all and end all. I've realised there are more important things in life! I know what you mean though, I do need to look at why I am staying, because you are right - right now it IS unhealthy. I can't work out if it's because I genuinely love him and want it to work or if there's something else keeping me here.

@dancemusicsexromance I think I have seen some of your posts before, I recognise your username but I will search for your threads in a moment. Thank you for giving me your experience and I am so sorry you've gone through all of that. Why are so many of these men such fucking idiots and so happy to throw away everything they have?! I will never understand. I can't believe how awfully he treated you. If I'm honest I worry that time is running out for me and I might never be happy again. I know that sounds ridiculous, I am 34 this year and I know many people find happiness again but then I have friends who do online dating etc and find loser after loser (not that my husband is much bloody better right now) and my god I dont want that. I'm off to find your thread in a mo, take care of yourself x

@BraveGoldie thanks for your lovely words. Yep you are right I hate myself a lot of the time, I constantly question if I'm doing the right thing, if I've gone about it all in the right way, etc etc. You're right though, that this stage is meant to be hard with all the anger and everything, that's what I have to keep reminding myself. Don't apologise - your worry about 4-5 years down the line is exactly one of my worries too. I worry that actually we WILL get through this and I will be one of those posters who come on here and say 'we got through it, we are strong again' - only for him to do something else a few years down the line and I will have wasted another 5 (or however many) years of my life. But then equally I suppose I could split with him, meet someone else and then a few years later we split or they cheat/betray my trust in some way too! (Can you tell I'm not a big fan of any men right now). I could sit here and overthink it forever I suppose.

@AnyFucker yep I 100% know what you're saying, I see the sunk costs mentioned a lot on here and I think I'd be lying if I said that wasn't playing a part in all this. Ugh.

@Closetbeanmuncher yeah probably! Like I see talked about so much on here - they will only admit to what they have to, right? That's what I'm finding so hard. For all I know, it could be the truth and there wasn't anything else. But I will never know for sure. Nope, no backstory of serial cheating though (well none that I'm aware of anyway!). That's why this was such (and still is) a massive shock for me. It sounds ridiculous but, while I knew cheating happened with other people, I never ever saw it happening with us because he was literally the last person I would ever expect something like this from. I have always absolutely trusted him implicitly, completely. That's why I am finding this so difficult. I've had all these years of a man who I trusted to never hurt me and now he has, so massively. Our relationship was never perfect but we were happy enough (or so I thought). Then last year I don't know what happened, it's like he suddenly just had this massive wobble/crisis (which I now realise from being on MN happens all too often!), he had depression and questioned everything. Although I think the depression is/was genuine, I know it's never an excuse for doing any of this.

@Sneakyisbest I dont know. Maybe. I suppose sometimes when I look at his phone, I'm wanting to find something on there so I can prove to myself that I'm not going mad! Which I know sounds completely ridiculous. Yep, got it in one - if there were other issues and the whole relationship had been shit, this decision would be a lot easier.

@Mintypylonsfryingsurplus wow, just wow. I have so much admiration for you! What an experience you've gone through. I'm glad you are happy with your husband now but I'm sad at what you had to go through to get to this point. I do worry that I am wasting years of my life now, I am 34 this year which I know isn't old at all but I'm just very aware I'm no longer in my 20s with all the time in the world! You are so right that your ex should have just been a decent person and ended it and set you free to actually be happy. Why do they do it?! This is the question I keep asking myself, and sadly I dont think I'll ever know the answer. Do you ever hear from him at all now?

@Mintypylonsfryingsurplus
Very similar stories
My ex had an affair with his brothers wife for a long time.
He had 2 other affairs which he minimised and these were what he owned up to.
Add to that the gas lighting, me being diagnosed with PTSD, my depression and anxiety, my damaged jaw because he brutally broke it, his multiple domestic violence charges inc ABH, GBH and battery.
I'm actually broken.
But I'm the enemy.
It's been quite a few months now and I just feel shell shocked, the biggest feeling for me is that I'm just not good enough.
He's now a vegan and he's talking in a very soft voice whenever I have to speak to him. He has changed he's now a good person now he's away from the person that made him unhappy.
It's heartbreaking just how inherently evil he's proved himself to be.
I would t want his sick, depraved life for all the money in the world, I've had quite a nice day today cleaning my house and meal planning with my kids.

We talked last night, I ended up telling him how I've been feeling as he asked if I was OK and I broke down and said no I'm not. It was actually quite helpful and we were both quite brutal and honest. I was saying how 2019 has been the worst year of my life and just shit from start to finish and he said that actually, even though he regrets a lot of what's happened, he feels like he knows me a lot better now and we talk and are a lot more open about our mental health and feelings and stuff now - he has a point, but I wish it didn't take so much shit to get to that point. I admitted this has all changed my feelings for him - I do still love him but I just don't feel like I did before. He said it's the opposite and he feels like he loves me more, now that he's nearly lost me.

We had a row this morning though. We were having a really good conversation last night then suddenly he just stopped talking, I could see he was crying a bit and asked him what was on his mind and what was upsetting him and he just brushed it off and said he was going to bed. Barely spoke two words to me this morning so it just really confused me, how we can go from having a really good honest conversation to him suddenly shutting it down and withdrawing like that.

We talked again this afternoon and he apologised for stopping the conversation like that, and we talked some more. He said it just suddenly hit him how much hurt he has caused and how much he has damaged me. I think he was crying a bit again this afternoon (I know there'll be lots of eye rolling here and thinking 'typical script' - I will say though, I know him very very well and he's not a typical crier at all, he was hiding his face but I just knew he was). He also got rejected for a job yesterday that he'd got quite high hopes for so I think that hasn't helped.

Don't worry I'm not being 'hoovered' back in or anything like that. I know how these men say all the right things and cry to get out of it. I dont think that's what that was today. However I also know that just having a conversation isn't going to be the thing that fixes it. I just feel better for having got all of my feelings out that I've bottled up over the last couple of weeks but I know that's all it was, I'm under no illusions that this suddenly means he's a changed man. I still have no idea what to do for the best, nothing has really changed, I'm just getting my feelings out really, almost like a bit of a diary really so I can refer back to what's been said when I need to x

@Mintypylonsfryingsurplus I just wanted to say your story is one of the most moving things I have read on here. Thank you for taking the time to type that all out and share it with us. I'm sure your words will help someone in a similar position and I'm so happy to hear that you now have someone lovely to share the rest of your life with. Lots of love to you.

@floppybit Yes I completely agree xx

He would have to be complete fool to allow you to check his phone and be doing anything dodgy.

He's either taking a break from it or has other ways of doing it.

There's a chance he has stopped, but you'll never really know...there's also the question of can you forgive what you know he has done.

There's no good type of cheating, but some just lack any ounce of respect...like with your friend and suggestions of doing it in your bed.

Thank you all for your kind words I am always drawn to these threads because the scars will always be there.
OP I don't see him at all now. We never had children together and I blocked and deleted/changed my numbers email etc. when we divorced.
My son (who he brought up for 11 years still sees him sporadically) but my son is 23 now and ultimately his choice. But I do stress that I am not to be mentioned, in any context.
My ex had a girlfriend for a short while, but when she found out he was still having his other life she finished it also. It is strange but I have no feelings either way for him at all now. I think because I didn't really know him? I will never know who he really was, only that I was abused really badly. I have no desire to go there. It took me a long time to find any real peace of mind and happiness, but a lot of that is due to my DH who is very different. Not perfect but the kindest most honest person.
Yes it is quite a story and I am writing a book about it as a sort of therapy I guess?
On a more positive note once I was free from him I went on and had the most amazing experiences. Living in the retreat for four months was life changing for me, it did me more good than a decade of therapy and I am now very non materialistic, less greedy and able to live more in the moment and be grateful for what I have.
I also really enjoyed my passionate rebound fling to Asia! We have stayed good friends too and he came to my wedding. Having been starved of affection, desire and fun for so long it was just what I needed at the time. I appreciate that it was easier for me to take off like that but my kids were grown up and it was the first time in my life I could just be 'me' with all my funny ways.
Had I stayed with him I would never have done these things, so you never know what is around the corner.
@dancemusicsexromance I am so sorry you were both physically and mentally abused. I think men like that take on different 'personas' as they are so fundamentally flawed. The soft spoken Vegan thing is a cover too. I hope that you can go low contact with him to help you heal?
OP you feel exactly how you feel and do not apologise about it.
Understandably you will have a flood of emotions including love, hate anger and everything in between. Its fine come on here to vent use it as a journal. How you are feeling is very normal in your situation.
You may go, you may stay and thats fine too but if I can give you any advice from my own experience it is this,
Start a little fund up if it works out you can treat the family, if you choose to leave you have a little rainy day fund to help you at the toughest time.
Start making your own life as much as possible a bit more detached, see more friends, start new hobbies, take a course. Again if you decide to stay you have enriched your life, if you leave the being separate will be easier as you have a fuller life and more support.
Ask for help - dont be ashamed to ask for time off time out or to go off on your own to take stock. Let the world stop for a bit while you focus on you.
Let him prove to you/ bend over backwards. A decent guy would say I have really hurt you I love you. I don't trust myself at the moment so take my phone/ let me share what I have done and we can start again. Or I am going to get help and prove to you that I am going to get us through this. IT IS NOT YOUR JOB to initiate conversations/ or to be his therapist.
You are 34! SO young. Do not worry about being on your own for ever. I was a very average 45 year old with ordinary looks/body/hell everything. When I finally left 2 guys in our periphery social circle contacted me for dates one declared he had been in love with me for years! Yeah I so avoided him! but you will be surprised after living this hell to learn that you are an attractive wonderful young woman. You will be fine, and there are amazing guys out there when you are ready, trust me.
Life is short, and you may go back and forth for a while or work it out but remember you deserve peace in your life. x

Has he got another phone? I used to work with a guy who had two phones, one he referred to as his 'sex' phone which his wife had no knowledge of.

You don't have to feel bad about still being a support system for him, you can distance yourself as a wife and remain a good friend- this will be useful as you're still both parents to your DCs.

He needs somebody right now as much as you do and it's okay to be that person for each other as long as you're clear where it stops and don't let it confuse your feelings

He would have to be complete fool to allow you to check his phone and be doing anything dodgy

This was my thought, but actually he managed to hide it before didn't he. Good old private/incognito browser

Has he got another phone?

No, definitely not. Well - after being on MN for a while now, I've come to realise you can never truly know anything for certain! But I'm 99% he doesn't have another phone. I think I'd have found one by now if there was. And there's no sneaky trips outside to the car or anything like that.

In all honesty I do think at the moment he is genuinely remorseful and doesn't intend to do anything like it again. But a previous poster said something a bit further up about nothing else happening now, but what about 4 or 5 years down the line when we're back to relatively 'normal' and he starts feeling curious or 'wanting attention' again I'll be honest, that has stuck in my head a bit. But then, couldn't anyone worry about what might happen in their life/relationship in 5 years time? Maybe I'm overthinking it. I just don't know...

Been there. Done that. Several miserable years trying to cling on to what's dead. he leaves for someone else. All my fault, obviously. I wish I saved myself the pain and just ripped the plaster off. We are the rule, not the exception.

Similar story to yours op. I tried to get over it. We got on, had a laugh, had a lovely life. But I could not trust him, didn't fancy him and although I still loved him, it was like loving the memory of a friend I used to have. All the romantic love just dwindled away and I got to a point where I just felt nothing for him in that sense. He would be late from work or be on his phone and initially I would panic. But then I got to a point where I didn't give a shit anymore, because it is draining trying to hold it together all the time. I instigated the split, but all I did was snip the final thread; he severed all the others and I clung to the last one, thinking I could tie us back together again. But I stopped caring and it was done. A year from discovery to splitting.