Caught my husband and now I'm a mess

[bluehairandheartbroken]

I've been on here a while but NC in case it's outing, and because I'm just so ashamed I've let this happen to me. Please be gentle, I'm an absolute mess. I'll try not to drip feed but my head is all over the place.

Bit of background - me and my husband (I can't even write DH) had some issues for a while, mainly just lack of communication and grown apart a bit, no cheating (well I was totally confident there wasn't and now I'm questioning everything). We got back on track (or so I thought, things have been great and we've both been making much more effort with each other. I've actually felt happy for the first time in a long time and he seemed happy too - we constantly tell each other we love each other, cuddle, the sex has improved/got more regular too (which I know now from reading other posts on here should have been a red flag. I'm so fucking stupid).

We're moving house very soon - deposit is all paid, kids have chosen their rooms, we have a moving in date and have our move out date for our current house. We've both said how we're really looking forward to a fresh start.

During our issues I had some major self esteem issues and kept convincing myself he was cheating. I checked his phone a few times (I know I shouldn't have and I'm not proud), never found anything. I've got help for myself with the anxiety and self esteem and was finally feeling back on track. Fast forward to this week and something has niggled at me and I couldnt figure out why - he was on his phone a lot but he's always been like that and it's never bothered me before.

Anyway - I looked at his phone last night before bed and saw a text from a well known hook up site (not even a dating site - this site is well known for being purely for sex). At first I tried to think maybe it was innocent as we've actually talked about joining this very site as a couple! But nope. I've found him, he's looking for couples and single women. He's even been verified by someone which I think usually means you have to have met up with them or done something on cam with them. He's been on the site for 3 weeks and was last active on there last night.

I'm absolutely heartbroken, literally I'm beside myself, I know it sounds pathetic and I thought I was stronger than this but I've called in sick to work and all I've done all morning is sit on the floor and sob and retch/try not to throw up. I know everyone says this but I can't believe he's done this. Only a couple of weeks ago he was telling me he can't believe he nearly lost me, I'm the best thing that ever happened to him and he is going to try everything to show me how much he loves and appreciates me.

I've been with him my whole adult life, since school, we're married and have 2 DC (9 and 7). I don't know how you can do this to someone you're supposed to love. We have a family and a life together, we had so much planned, I really thought it was going to work out after all the crap we've been through - I really thought we were stronger. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach that he might have actually met with someone and done something with them.

He's at work and I don't know what to do. Don't judge me but initially I was going to try and wait til we had moved house (it's not long away now) because the deposit is paid, we can't get it back, nowhere will accept me on my own as my income isn't enough for some reason - despite the fact I work full time. However this was before I realised he'd been verified (meaning he's probably met/chatted very closely with someone) and now I don't think I can pretend for that long and keep having sex with him.

What the fuck do I do? I'm absolutely heartbroken, I just keep thinking about my poor kids, having to give them up every other fucking weekend and being on my own, having to give them up for part of Christmas. I know I'm over thinking it but it's just not fair. I didn't want any of this. I've bent over backwards to make this work, I'm not even being big headed (if anything I have zero confidence right now) but I've been the perfect fucking wife. No one will love and care for that man like I have, I do so much for him. I keep myself looking nice, we have a good sex life. Why is it never enough for so many of these lying bastards? We have a family and a life together, we are supposed to love each other.

I'm thinking now I need to confront him tonight but I'm so scared. Partly because of the house situation and partly because once I do it, there's no going back and my life has changed forever in a way that I never even fucking wanted. Though in fairness I have cried solidly since 8am with no sign of being able to pull myself together so the choice might be out of my hands as he'll know something is up! I actually want to crawl into a hole and die right now. I didn't want this. We were happy, life was finally picking up. We nearly split a few months ago and now I wish we fucking had because my heart is in pieces all over again.

I'm so sorry OP. When you have the thought processes about "maybe he wouldn't ever have met anyone" etc, you need to reiterate to yourself that he
a) was verified on the site - indicating he has already met people
b) Locked himself in the bathroom and deleted the profile when you asked to see it - not the actions of an innocent man.

You can do this all by yourself. Women have done it before you and women will do it after you. We all, at the time, think we will never manage. But you will be so shocked to see how much easier life can be when you're not spending energy second guessing yourself or your life, or compromising your morals for a lowlife. You've got this.

Hi blue. You said he denied it was him, wouldn't hand over his phone, hid, and deleted his profile. When you told him to leave, he asked you for a cuddle (you refused of course) so he left, but hovered around for a while.

He hasn't contacted you to ask how you are.

These actions tell me he doesn't respect you. He was hoping a cuddle would smooth things over. Then he thought that by hanging around you'd change your mind and tell him to come back.

The lack of contact is him waiting for you to beg him to come home.

I'm not saying this to kick you when you're down, just be aware he doesn't value your feelings or respect you as much as you thought he did.

Alright now, OP.

You're going through torture. Thing is... that's hormones for you. You can see this as sudden withdrawal, in a way. But the thing about withdrawal is - it passes with time. Sometimes it takes a long time, sometimes it only lasts a few weeks.

But everyone who's ever gone through a breakup will attest that eventually, it stops hurting. That person you can't imagine living without right now, will eventually become unimportant. You'll think of him and feel... nothing. I know that I used to be with men who were absolute PERFECTION at the time, and now I think of them and... wouldn't even shag them as a one-off anymore.

The alternative is to let him stay and spend the rest of your life on high alert, unable to ever trust him, your mind in overdrive, looking for any whiff of another woman. Perhaps more such episodes in the years to come as cheating is addictive. Why would you deserve that? You deserve much better than that. There's plenty of decent men out there (that's off the record btw, I'm supposed to be chief manhater y'know, so let's pretend I never said that!) who won't hurt the person they're supposed to love.

OP

There never was an "old him" - only the same man undiscovered.

There is no 'old him' this is him, you've just never seen it before

Blue, I posted a few weeks back about the exact same thing. Hook up sites, and prostitutes. We had been happily married for years and I could have not been more blindsided and devastated.
The easiest thing for everyone else would have been to believe his stories that nothing physical happened and let him back. But I knew then I would be setting myself up for a future of checking up on him and always worrying what he was doing. Plus he is not the kind loving man I thought I was married to.
Someone said the hardest part is kicking him out. You have done that bit. Now just make sure you don’t let him back. The kids will be hurt but they will start to get used to it. Lean on everyone you can for support. I was so embarrassed that I didn’t want to tell anyone, but I am amazed at how much people have managed to lighten the load for me.
I’m not going to lie, it’s been a shit few weeks, but it’s gradually getting easier. I don’t regret telling him to go and do you know the best thing? I know my mind will be at peace not having to wonder what seedy shit the dirty fucker is up to. I’m glad I didn’t choose a life of mental torture for myself.
You can do it, please keep going. Just baby steps in the right direction and you’ll get there.

I’m not going to lie him running into the loo to delete things and then return for you to kick him out and then he goes off and fannies about in a different room? I’d assume he was making arrangements of somewhere to stay. Probably an OW’s which is why you haven’t heard from him.

He isn’t sorry

I always remember this advice which was given to someone else on this site.
‘ Don’t give a man an ultimatum to change his behaviour /do better, but give yourself an ultimatum to not accept behaviour which you don’t agree with.’
Stop accepting the shit this man is doling out to you.
It will not get any better

word for word same thing happened to me, took him back and 3 years later i still feel paranoid and resentful. don't do it to yourself op. you;re much better

How have you been today @bluehairandheartbroken

You’re grieving OP for the man you thought he was its horrible but the alternative is living a life of paranoia and misery if you took him back. Let your friends help and support you. I remember the bizarre feeling of the person i most wanted comfort from was the person causing the grief. But it truly does get better slowly you will feel better. Just deal with each day so not too overwhelming.

I'm sorry your heartbroken but in the long run it's for the best, you'll never be able to trust him again

How you doing today?

Oh sweetheart. Heartbreaking read. I really hope you're ok

Hope you're ok.

Any updates op?

Sorry I've not been back. I don't even know how to describe how I've been feeling. I just go from being completely numb for hours to randomly bursting into tears.

All I'm getting is how he can't believe what he's done, he loves me so much and he will do anything to make me happy and to get my trust back. He said it was stupid and it was all about an ego boost and feeling wanted and he would never have actually met up with anyone. He's had depression for a while (not actually bothered to help himself very much or try medication or anything though) and he says it's just completely messed him up and he's got no self esteem (well neither have fucking I now). And of course I know this is what they say. I've been on here, I know the script. And yet when it's the one person you have loved and trusted for years you want to believe them don't you. There's that small part of me that thinks 'what if it's true? what if he's telling the truth and me chucking him out has made him realise what he's got and he really wont do it again?' (I can feel you all rolling your eyes at me)

Anyway I am going ahead with the house move with the kids. He is coming round at the weekend to help finish what needs doing (there is some DIY stuff that he needs to do, I literally cannot do it all on my own, if he doesnt help then it wont get done). He has said that obviously he really wants to move with us, but if that doesnt happen then he will cover the rent and everything that needs paying.

I told him the last thing I ever wanted was to be a single parent, I love our family but I can't live the rest of my life wondering what he's doing on his phone or wondering if he's up to something again. I just can't do it. My mental health can't take it.

Call me a mug but if I thought there was any way of getting trust back I'd probably try to forgive him and make it work. But how can there be? How does anyone ever regain trust? Is it always broken forever?

Please be kind and don't be harsh with me, I can't take it today.

Just focus on the move and getting that done and out of the way. You are under a lot of pressure right now

Maybe the space and time apart will help you both realise if this can be sorted. Or if you can't move past it. There is no rush to make a definitive decision. Some relationships can be rebuilt. And some can't that depends on what he is prepared to do to ensure that you can have some trust in him moving forward.

Hope the move goes smoothly and look after yourself first and foremost.

OP I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I've followed this post and checked in today just to see how you're doing.
It's absolutely impossible to switch your feelings off regardless of what you now know. Don't pressure yourself into making any rash decisions. Sometimes you have to go back to go forwards if that makes sense?
I'm sure he is sorry, but I'm guessing it's more because he got caught. It'll be near on impossible for you to trust him again, at least not for a long long time but it's something you've got to work out yourself whether you want to try.
My heart bleeds for you and I wish there was something I could say to make it feel better, but there isn't. Keep talking about it, keep working through it, keep him at a distance until the initial shock has worn off and then go from there. Take each day as it comes and he certainly has no right in pressuring you or guilt you into any kind of decision. Take your time and look after yourself xxx

His locking himself in the bathroom and deleting his account etc rather than showing you would have been the point of no return for me.

He could have shown you, given you full clarity on what he had/hadn't done and enabled you to make an informed decision. Don't get me wrong, it would have hurt like hell (it does anyway) but at least you would have known. Now, even If you decided that you, with time and commitment, you could move past it - you will always have doubts and unanswered questions.

He'll probably say he did it to protect you and to not hurt you more. That's a lie. He did it for himself

I don't know how the site works but if he reactivated, could it still show everything from before?

Oh my goodness. You poor thing. I recall going through alot of what you went through. My husband cheated with a friend of mine. I was so upset. I remember watching kids at the school where I worked in their Xmas play and feeling gutted that we as a couple would never watch our little girl in her play.
I did the Pick me dance ☹️ all I could think about was holidays, Xmas etc and not been together as a family. We gave it a go and had two more children.

Then when my the third child was 2 I found out about a 2 year affair with a work colleague of mine. I could not forgive him for that and threw him out.

It has since become apparent that there were many women, prostitutes,affairs etc all throughout the relationship.

I wish I had never forgiven him. I have 3 beautiful children to him and would not swap them but I wasted years of my life to someone who needed his ego stroking all the time.
You will always wonder what if we did try.. and you will want to try again.

Only you can make that decision. Some men don't ever stray again but it's not many and who knows if you husband is one of them.

If you can , be strong now and leave the relationship. You have a chance to move on and build a relationship with an honest man when u are ready.
If you want to try again then do it. But it will not be easy and too will feel like you cant trust him and will always feel gutted about what he did.
You will always mourn for what could have been and wish things could go back the way they were. But it can't.

Big hugs and just get through each day as best you can. We are all here for you! XXX

Wise words from @Rayn there OP. I have no advice I can only try and imagine what you must be going through but Rayn is right even if you do take him back it'll never be the same and you'll always have unanswered questions and doubts lurking at the back not your mind. Take care of yourself and take your time. There is no rush. This thread will help you through and be a good reminder

Just wanted to say sending love, think anyone reading this who is married feels your pain because I would feel exactly like you as you can't imagine the person you love doing this. It's a grief of the life you had, the memories you made, the 'perfect happy family', the future plans you made and now it just feels lonesome and he did this all! I can totally understand the pull you would feel at just wanting to forgive him and hug the person you are most craving, don't let him have the tables turned where he is in control due to him knowing you feel weak (not saying you are weak) he will just play on that. I reaallly don't want to make you feel worse but do you think this is the first time he has done this or could he have done something else whilst you were having problems previously? I'm only asking because if you are feeling confused and angry over what has happened recently, you may feel even more sure on your decision if you found out it's not just this occasion. Oh god I'm not trying to make you feel worse. I feel so sad for you! I'd have to leave if it was me, no point in dragging out the pain for you to have to go through yet another break up in years to come when you could have healed by then by leaving this time round.

No more words of wisdom from me. You know him best and only you will know if he is truly sorry.

I don’t know how those dating thing sites work either but I’d at least be asking him to reactivate it so you can look as @NotMyRealName123 said? It might all still be there?

And I’m another one saying move on your own with the kids and take your time with the decision.

I can’t help but feel he is only sorry he has been caught and is just trotting out the usual patter.

He has no business making you feel this unhappy just because he wants his penis and ego stroked.

The lying, mad scramble to delete everything instead of throwing himself at your mercy and the rest of it would have broken any fragile trust that was left. It is most likely you will never get the full truth from him and that would gnaw away at me always.

How dare he go on about poor me when really it is all about poor you?