Caught my husband and now I'm a mess

[bluehairandheartbroken]

I've been on here a while but NC in case it's outing, and because I'm just so ashamed I've let this happen to me. Please be gentle, I'm an absolute mess. I'll try not to drip feed but my head is all over the place.

Bit of background - me and my husband (I can't even write DH) had some issues for a while, mainly just lack of communication and grown apart a bit, no cheating (well I was totally confident there wasn't and now I'm questioning everything). We got back on track (or so I thought, things have been great and we've both been making much more effort with each other. I've actually felt happy for the first time in a long time and he seemed happy too - we constantly tell each other we love each other, cuddle, the sex has improved/got more regular too (which I know now from reading other posts on here should have been a red flag. I'm so fucking stupid).

We're moving house very soon - deposit is all paid, kids have chosen their rooms, we have a moving in date and have our move out date for our current house. We've both said how we're really looking forward to a fresh start.

During our issues I had some major self esteem issues and kept convincing myself he was cheating. I checked his phone a few times (I know I shouldn't have and I'm not proud), never found anything. I've got help for myself with the anxiety and self esteem and was finally feeling back on track. Fast forward to this week and something has niggled at me and I couldnt figure out why - he was on his phone a lot but he's always been like that and it's never bothered me before.

Anyway - I looked at his phone last night before bed and saw a text from a well known hook up site (not even a dating site - this site is well known for being purely for sex). At first I tried to think maybe it was innocent as we've actually talked about joining this very site as a couple! But nope. I've found him, he's looking for couples and single women. He's even been verified by someone which I think usually means you have to have met up with them or done something on cam with them. He's been on the site for 3 weeks and was last active on there last night.

I'm absolutely heartbroken, literally I'm beside myself, I know it sounds pathetic and I thought I was stronger than this but I've called in sick to work and all I've done all morning is sit on the floor and sob and retch/try not to throw up. I know everyone says this but I can't believe he's done this. Only a couple of weeks ago he was telling me he can't believe he nearly lost me, I'm the best thing that ever happened to him and he is going to try everything to show me how much he loves and appreciates me.

I've been with him my whole adult life, since school, we're married and have 2 DC (9 and 7). I don't know how you can do this to someone you're supposed to love. We have a family and a life together, we had so much planned, I really thought it was going to work out after all the crap we've been through - I really thought we were stronger. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach that he might have actually met with someone and done something with them.

He's at work and I don't know what to do. Don't judge me but initially I was going to try and wait til we had moved house (it's not long away now) because the deposit is paid, we can't get it back, nowhere will accept me on my own as my income isn't enough for some reason - despite the fact I work full time. However this was before I realised he'd been verified (meaning he's probably met/chatted very closely with someone) and now I don't think I can pretend for that long and keep having sex with him.

What the fuck do I do? I'm absolutely heartbroken, I just keep thinking about my poor kids, having to give them up every other fucking weekend and being on my own, having to give them up for part of Christmas. I know I'm over thinking it but it's just not fair. I didn't want any of this. I've bent over backwards to make this work, I'm not even being big headed (if anything I have zero confidence right now) but I've been the perfect fucking wife. No one will love and care for that man like I have, I do so much for him. I keep myself looking nice, we have a good sex life. Why is it never enough for so many of these lying bastards? We have a family and a life together, we are supposed to love each other.

I'm thinking now I need to confront him tonight but I'm so scared. Partly because of the house situation and partly because once I do it, there's no going back and my life has changed forever in a way that I never even fucking wanted. Though in fairness I have cried solidly since 8am with no sign of being able to pull myself together so the choice might be out of my hands as he'll know something is up! I actually want to crawl into a hole and die right now. I didn't want this. We were happy, life was finally picking up. We nearly split a few months ago and now I wish we fucking had because my heart is in pieces all over again.

@BIWI

Oh I know. This is the hard bit. He basically says that job was draining the life out of him and he already feels 100 times better now he's left, he says that was the main cause of him feeling so depressed. Which I do get, but at the same time I think if you've been that depressed that you thought about suicide (we did have this with him a while ago and I found some odd google searches about suicide) then I dont think that just leaving a job is going to magically cure you.

Relationship counselling - we actually did go to a few sessions a little while ago (before all of this happened) and it didnt go great. I know that he didnt really want to go and he was just doing it for me but I think the counsellor could tell that he didnt want to be there and they basically said we were wasting our money and they couldnt help us! But yes, going again is something that has crossed my mind more than once. The problem now is cost.We could barely afford it before and now, he's currently not working and we've also moved to a house with more expensive rent etc. I literally do not have that money spare right now. But I totally get what you're saying and I think relationship counselling can work wonders, I'd recommend it to anyone.

Yep I absolutely agree. Even before, I was treating it with caution and thinking it over carefully (hence why we'd not actually joined the site or anything yet) but nope. After everything that's happened, not a chance.

Thank you

@BumbleBeee69 for the moment, yes. Not sure your comment is all that helpful or constructive, but thank you all the same.

@dottiedodah thanks so much. This is exactly how I'm looking at it. I was putting so much pressure on myself to make a decision and 'do the right thing' but had no idea what that was. So now I've decided that, like you say, nothing is set in stone. He is fully aware of how unsure I am, there's not really anything he can do to change that right now, there's no instant fix. Thank you x

read the thread from start to finish.
Things that jump outto me -

get an STI test. How do you know he hasnt left work early for a shag?

He isnt sorry, he is sorry because he got caught, they do this - go really helpful/cook/clean/grovel - get your trust back and then do it all over again.

i completely understand you wouldnt want to break up your family, but personally i would have at least thrown him out and had some breathing room. He has got what he wants, and does not deserve.

Your life,your relationship, but you will never fully trust him and it will eat away at you and you will suffer; while he does not give a shit

OP, I've followed your thread since the start.

I wouldn't be able to let him back after the trust was gone. He did sleep with other women, and he has lied about it.

But now I'm thinking, he is sorry he was caught. And now he is also unemployed. His life is shit if you throw him out. You are financially supporting him. How long will you let that go on for?

He doesn't deserve your trust or your generosity. And they always do it again, once they think they are cleverer at hiding it, your suspicions are quelled, and they get cocky. I fear that you have merely postponed the breakup. And it will hurt you so much more when it all happens again.

Best wishes to you. He needs to attend a therapy group for addicts. As an absolute bare minimum. If he won't commit to doing that regularly then he cannot be bothered with your relationship, it will be too much effort for him.

@BumbleBeee69 for the moment, yes. Not sure your comment is all that helpful or constructive, but thank you all the same.

Read your OWN thread OP.. this guy was arranging to have sex with your friend in your own bed.... whilst your and his kids are out of the way...

So apologies if I don't cheer from the sidelines, at him fucking you and your kids over, and getting the green light to do it all over again..

I wish you luck OP, because you're going to need it. I'd book that GP's appointment in advance too.. for that anxiety you're going to endure, pretty soon.

@carly2803 as I said I'm pretty certain nothing physical happened (though that doesn't make it ok). But then again what do I know 🙄 maybe you're right and I should have got tested. I dont know what I believe any more.

@BendyLikeBeckham yes I don't doubt he's sorry he got caught. But I guess I also want to believe that he's actually sorry for doing it too. I realise that makes me sound like a total mug. Believe me, before this happened I used to read threads like this and roll my eyes and wonder why these women didn't get some self respect and chuck their husband out. I always said anything like this would be a deal breaker and it would be over, full stop, no second chances. But it's very different when you're in the situation. That's not a cop out, believe me. I have agonised about this every single day, wondering if i can live with this. I'm not sure I can, if truth be told. You could actually be right that I'm just postponing the break up. And if that's the case then I'll be hugely pissed off with myself for not doing it sooner. But right now, something in my gut (rightly or wrongly) is telling me to give this another chance so that's what I'm doing. I guess I'll find out soon enough whether it was the right thing to do or if I'm just a massive twat.

@BumbleBeee69 I get what you're saying I really do and if this was one of my friends in this situation I'd feel the same. However there's being supportive and then there's just being really fucking harsh. Sometimes I need a bit of tough love, now is not one of those times. I never asked anyone to 'cheer from the sidelines' I've simply been truthful about my situation and I knew there would be positive and negative reactions however an important thing to remember on here is this isn't just some random on the internet writing for everyone's entertainment, this is actually people's lives. This is MY actual fuck up of a life and I'd really appreciate support rather than passive aggressive comments. But don't worry when he fucks up again I'll be sure to come back let you know so you can be happy you were right.

@BellPresser So sorry I missed your reply earlier.

Well that's positive. It's as I said - I'm sure there must be SOME people who get through this. There's got to be men (well, and women!) who do something like this and do genuinely regret it and intend to never do it again. I refuse to believe that everyone who makes a mistake like this is just a heartless shit who doesn't give a fuck and wants to keep purposely hurting their spouse. Because it would be a sad fucking world if that was true.

Can I ask though, did you find it this hard at first? What helped you to get through it? It's the anger I'm finding the hardest. Do you genuinely trust him again now? Thanks for your reply x

Tough love OP ..

But can you get over it?

Will you trust him again, not ger that ball of anxiety , check his phone without him knowing?

Now hes been caught he knows how to better hide it in the future.

I couldnt truly get over this and not let it consume me

OP you are absolutely not a massive twat or a mug. I think you might just be afraid of being alone and of changing the status quo (because your ideal outcome is to turn the clock back to before all this happened, right?). I think you are in denial to a large extent. Continuing to believe that nothing physical happened, allowing his excuses and lies. Because it is easier to believe what you want to hear.

I make no judgment on you for that. I myself have been paralysed by indecision and fear of the unknown when a relationship should have long been ended. I get how you feel.

But I hope you can benefit from mine and others' advice and experiences on here when we say that you can't recover what has been lost, the lack of trust will kill it anyway, and you are in for more long term heartache by giving him another chance than the short term pain of separating now.

I hope I have said that gently enough. I'm not kicking you when you are down. You are in a shit situation, created by your DH and made worse by the current love bombing of you and faux remorse.

It is only a matter of time before he feels he has been super nice and contrite for long enough and then starts to get annoyed at you being upset, crying, distrusting, and crime of crimes, even mentioning his infidelity. He will be angry that you "won't just let it go" , that you are "using it as a stick to beat me with", "what else can I do to make it up to you, I can't win", "are you going to punish me for one mistake for the rest of my life?", "can't you just get over it and move on", "why do you keep bringing it up all the time", "you are suffocating me", "no, you can't see my private texts and emails until I've been through and deleted the incriminating ones", "Why can't you just trust me when I say I haven't done X, Y, Z?" and so on.

As I say, the lack of trust will kill it for you. And once the love bombing ends, you will hear many of the statements above. I wish it were not so.

Don't feel put off posting when this happens. We have all been there, believed the lies, and trusted a person when they betrayed us again. Just keep your wits about you, and work through your feelings. I hope you can access counselling to help with this.

Sorry for the long and pessimistic post.

bluehair I totally get why you're still together, sometimes it's easier just to sweep it under the carpet and carry on like nothing has happened.
Its good that you realise this isnt your final decision and you can change your kind at any time.

I also found the longer it was from the 'incident' the less angry I was, while that was helpful at the start in keeping my family together it meant I minimised what he had done and that has achieved nothing.
The next 'incident' would occur and I'd be kicking myself about why I hadn't left before and the cycle just continued.

The difference on the last 'incident' was that my children were older, I already knew I would leave eventually, my father in law had died (relevant because it would have upset him do much if we had split) and I actually told people what went on.
I recognised the trap from all the times before so to stop me brushing it under the carpet again I told as many as people as possible and pride stopped me getting back with him because I didn't want to admit to friends that I'd taken him back again.
A month down the line I did start thinking that what he had done was not that bad really and to make me remember I read all the messages between me and him, read messages between me and my friends and old diaries so I could remind myself exactly how it felt.

I'm so glad I've managed to get away, it's been a rollercoaster and isnt likely to ease anytime soon but as a person I'm so much happier.

bluehair I could have written this myself! There is so much similarity between our stories. I found out almost exactly 1 year ago that my husband of 16 years had been having an affair with a work colleague for 18 months. He was excellent at hiding it but I found taxi receipts with her address as the pickup place and our house as the destination around 3am (she lives far away from us) in his deleted items folder for 2 dates when he told me he was out with work. Then I found a single message he had sent her in his phone which broke my heart.

I confronted him and ended up kicking him out of the house for almost 1 month. We have 3 young kids and I had to explain to them that he was not able to be at home for christmas as his mum was ill and he had to see her (she died a short while after), so the story was plausible to the kids, bless their innocence.

The day I confronted him, he phoned the woman and ended it. He handed in his notice the following day, and ended up out of work for almost 5 months. He stayed in a B+B local to our house and was around for afterschool activities and weekend activies, he was there for breakfasts and sometimes dinner but he always left after bedtime to go stay where ever he was booked into for the night.

The gut wrenching shock, dry-wretching, crying, not eating, not sleeping, zombie-like existance I had while I tried to keep things normal for the kids nearly tipped me over the edge. In any other situation I would have ended it and not looked back.

But, and it is the only thing that matters, I love my family, I love(d) my husband, and I was just not ready to face into life as a single parent and part-time mum to my kids. Its not a life I wanted.

So after Christmas last year I let him come home. And we started marriage counselling the first Tuesday after schools went back after the holidays. His reasons for the affair were that he was under immense pressure in work (he was and I had been trying to get him to leave for months), and that he felt ignored, depressed and that I didn't care about him. He stressed that she meant absolutely nothing, that he basically has zero feelings for her, and if it wasnt her it could have been anyone, he just wanted to escape life and this was his way of doing it. He went to her place 8 times over 18 months but never saw her outside of that (which I can attest to, he was never away or out of the house at all, except out drinking with work which is when he would go to hers) Without going into specifics we did the 4 months of counselling and then we stopped.

Since then life has gone back to normal, we have had sex 3 times since then. He is so very sorry and has been a completely changed man. He started a new job closer to home with better hours, better pay and life has worked out well for him.

As for me, well I am still struggling. I bounce from being happy at life to be utterly depressed and feeling like a complete mug. Its coming up to Christmas again and all I can think about is what happened last year. His family are coming to stay with us for christmas and he is so excited about it all, helping with the presents and planning the food. The kids talk about last Christmas with my parents as if it were the best thing ever, and all I can think about is how unhappy I was and how sad I am still. Its like I am looking through the window at a happy family but I am not happy.

So does it ever work? I have trawled the internet for stories of where someone stayed and it all worked out. I cant find any. So I thought I would post here to show you what working it out means in reality for the wife.

Every now and again I would go crazy checking his phone, his ipad, his pockets. (His phone, email etc.. is completely available for me to access now, it was one of the conditions of trying to make this work).
A few weeks ago I found a message from her on his facebook account, it was from back earlier in the year. It basically was a reply to him blocking her on whatsapp and she was reacting angrily to it. Obviously she had tried to contact him again and realised she was blocked and facebook was the only means she had to contact him. I could see that he didnt reply to her. He doesnt post on facebook anymore, not for years and I can see that he has blocked her.

So now I obsess about her, I have purposely tried to not make this about her. She is a very plain woman around the same age as I am, not married with no kids. I cant figure out what he saw in her. But I have been searching for her to get any idea of who she is etc.. since I saw her outraged message to him.

Anyway, I hope I can move past this phase of things and figure out how to be happy. I am not 100% that I am going to stay with him. I have day dreams that when the kids are older I will separate from him and live my own life. But I also have day dreams of us retiring together and this all a distant memory because life is a marathon not a sprint and its a lifetime of living that I will remember and not this moment in time.

Hope it help xx dont rush your decisions, there is nothing to stop you leaving later if you decide that you cant work it out.

sortingitout Minimising helps to being some kind of normal to what essentially was a time bomb going off in your life. I allowed myself to be angry at dh's incident. I am highly strung and struggle not to let my feelings show. I am sorry that your dh continued to hurt you.

icantgetoverit
18 months is a long affair but clearly your dh did not love the ow. He was able to cut ties with her immediately. His moving out must have come as a shock - probably what he needed. You sound utterly broken and that is so sad. You deserve to be happy and to feel special again.

Do you feel you would benefit from individual counselling?

Faith50, thanks for your kind words.. I have considered going back to the counsellor for individual sessions. And I may do. They are mentally very tough and I feel too fragile when I am in this frame of mind. When I am not in one of these moods I feel like I don't need it.

BendylikeBekham : yours are the wisest words I have ever read on this forum. You have clearly been through a similar situation to be able to write so eloquently about it. Never were words truer said. I hope your kindly meant advice helps cheated on partners really think and re evaluate what they want from a broken relationship.

Oh my @ICantGetOverIt, our stories and the way we feel is so similar, although my initial discovery was 3.5 years ago.

We had another blow up today because I brought up that I don't feel any good things about our wedding. I know that's bringing up the past but it was relevant to the conversation we were having. He completely blew up saying I am punishing him and I need to get over it. He says any counsellor would say it's time to move on.

I feel stuck. I'm with someone I love but I hate at the same time. My brain can't cope. He hasn't had contact with the OW for a few years now, so theres no issue there.

I feel so hurt by some of the choices he made and as time goes on, they are getting more painful rather than less. I know that if I treated him how he did me over the 12-18 months it was going on he would be hideous to me.

Anyway, I'm not meaning to hijack your post but just to wish you luck and to say that if I could do it again I wouldn't have fought for him. It isn't worth the pain. X

Good luck.

Thinking of you OP

I have read the whole thread and really feel for you OP.
I have not been through this exactly but I know what is like to be married with young children and to be worried about breaking up the family or the financial implications of being a single parent which I now am. I also understand the worries about how the kids would take a break up etc.
But life is so short and I believe we should be happy I stayed in an unhappy marriage for a long while and now am so much happier being divorced. At the end of the day it's your decision and your life but personally as others have said he may do it again.
Also wanted to mention that I have been on the site and the ratio of men to women is high. I specifically said no married men and I have even told them to get off the site and sort their marriage s out. It's wrong and unfair. There are people whose wives are ok with it but clearly not in your situation.
Hugs and hope you do whatever is right for you and your kids.

Hi, not sure if anyone will still be reading but I thought I'd check in. I'm still really grateful for all the replies, even the ones where it's not necessarily what I wanted to read/hear!

Things are quite up and down but I'm doing OK. I've had some really low points but I'm having counselling every week and it's helping. I know a few have suggested joint counselling but it's just not something I want to do right now, I'm preferring to do it on my own. Maybe at some point I might feel it's needed but right now I feel like I'm getting more benefit from having counselling for just me. It's something I should have done a long time ago anyway as I've suffered with my mental health and self esteem for a while anyway.

So as I said I'm very up and down. Today (and a lot of days) I'm feeling pretty OK but I've had the odd day where I just feel so low and just cry all day. Last week it just all got on top of me, I was already feeling low anyway and then work went insanely busy and stressful and I just lost the plot and basically cried on and off for 2 days. I do have days where the slightest thing will set me off and I'll just completely lose the plot with him and go mad at him all over again. For example his mum came round one day and she discreetly asked me "how's he feeling now? He seems happier at the moment doesn't he?" (She knew about his depression before which is why she was asking me that - she doesn't know any of this about what he's done though). After she went home I just sat stewing about it all day which ended up in me having a complete meltdown at him hat night. I suppose my thought process behind all that was just 'how fucking dare she be so concerned about him after what he's put me through, why is no one coming round being concerned for ME?'

Still feeling very angry with my husband but one thing I will say is that in all of this he's took it all on the chin and when I'm having an angry/sad day and I cry/shout at him he just takes it, just listens and if I want to talk about anything then he's happy to. I keep thinking he's going to get pissed off with me keep wanting to talk about stuff (although actually, it's the least he can do after what he's done) but he says it doesn't and he'll talk about stuff whenever I want. That's really important to me - talking helps me, trying to keep quiet about it makes me feel like I'm going insane so I think if he was being arsey about me bringing it up then I would have had to rethink staying with him and trying to make this work.

On the whole, most of the time I believe that he's remorseful and he's not up to the same old thing again. However every so often when I'm having a low/angry day I'll look over at him and think "what's he doing on his phone? Who is he messaging?". I know it's not healthy to think this way and I know that this is something I need to see if this gradually goes away with time. He's told me if I feel like that then I should just look at his phone whenever I want, access to anything is completely open to me. I dont want to be that person that keeps checking their partner's phone though. I've looked a couple of times but on the whole I try not to. I'm hoping that with time, those feelings will get less and less and I'll gradually start trusting him a bit more. If I dont, then that's something I'll need to think really hard about, because I've said all along that I can't live like that forever (feeling uncertain and not trusting), I deserve better than to have to live like that. So we'll see. I'm being completely upfront with him about all these feelings and about not trusting him. He's said many times that he feels utterly stupid and awful for what he's done and what he's put me through and can't believe he nearly threw his family away, only time will tell if he actually means it I suppose.

Clearly I don't fully trust him right now and not sure I'll ever trust him 100% again, right now I'm happy to carry on as we are and keep giving it time, right now I feel strong enough to do that. Maybe I will keep feeling stronger and eventually will build up a decent amount of trust again. Or maybe I'll get to a point where I realise that actually I can't do this any longer and we need to separate. Right now I'm keeping an open mind and I'm certainly keeping an eye on his actions and how much effort he's putting in, because I've made it clear it's all about actions and not words.

I've told a couple more friends what's happened so I feel better that I've got that extra support if I need to talk to someone. Some friends say they can't even look at him and want to kill him and they say they'd never have stayed with him and they couldn't forgive it. I completely understand why they're saying it. But I used to say that too, I swore I'd never forgive anything like this but it's very easy to say it and not so easy to know how you'll actually feel until you're in the situation. I'm pretty sure this was my limit though, anything else and we'll be over. I have to believe that I'm better than to keep accepting behaviour like this. I think he knows how close he was to losing us too as he keeps talking about how he can't believe he nearly threw it all away because he was such a fucking idiot (his words not mine).

Sorry it's long and I'm sorry it's mainly just waffling, I'm just saying what's on my mind really, it's almost like a bit of a diary, it just helps to get my thoughts out so I can make sense of them! I'm sure I'll get a few replies telling me I'm a mug and I should kick him out etc and I do understand. I've probably added similar replies to similar threads in the past! Please be kind though. I'm just doing my best for my family right now and hoping it all works out the way it should. Would also really like to hear about any other experiences where people have forgiven their partners for breaking their trust. I guess it just helps to know that what I'm feeling is normal!

As a divorced mum I never understand why "breaking up the family" is seen as such a taboo thing when pretty much 50% of children come from separated families these days. Me, my ex and DS are all so much happier for it. Contrary to popular belief, it's really not that traumatic for children unless the parents act unreasonably (child of divorced parents myself too).

I would never call you a mug OP, but I couldn't live with someone who showed me so much disrespect. Really wish you the best and I hope things do work for you.

Check he isn't using a secret calculator app where he can hide his internet searches. Check he doesn't have a burner phone. He won't stop he will just get better at hiding it. I've been through something very similar and heard all the promises and the check my phone bull. He is manipulating you. I'm sorry you're going through this

I'm not sure I understand - are you just living under the same roof or are you sharing a bed? There's a big difference.

I've just read the whole thread, and I too sit in the camp of 'I'd never tolerate that, he'd be gone' but I also TOTALLY understand how it's never that black and white when it's happening to yourself, so I really hope that he continues on the path he's on and that you can learn to trust, (and that he is worthy of that trust). Despite what I said at the start I think you've done the right thing, there are no time limits on this, you could live like this for another 2 years, wake up one day and think sod it, I can't carry on, and at that point, when you're absolutely certain, you can walk away, OR he could actually redeem himself, and you could have a lifetime of happiness. Good luck OP I hope it works out for you, however it pans out. You will survive this either way x