Caught my husband and now I'm a mess

[bluehairandheartbroken]

I've been on here a while but NC in case it's outing, and because I'm just so ashamed I've let this happen to me. Please be gentle, I'm an absolute mess. I'll try not to drip feed but my head is all over the place.

Bit of background - me and my husband (I can't even write DH) had some issues for a while, mainly just lack of communication and grown apart a bit, no cheating (well I was totally confident there wasn't and now I'm questioning everything). We got back on track (or so I thought, things have been great and we've both been making much more effort with each other. I've actually felt happy for the first time in a long time and he seemed happy too - we constantly tell each other we love each other, cuddle, the sex has improved/got more regular too (which I know now from reading other posts on here should have been a red flag. I'm so fucking stupid).

We're moving house very soon - deposit is all paid, kids have chosen their rooms, we have a moving in date and have our move out date for our current house. We've both said how we're really looking forward to a fresh start.

During our issues I had some major self esteem issues and kept convincing myself he was cheating. I checked his phone a few times (I know I shouldn't have and I'm not proud), never found anything. I've got help for myself with the anxiety and self esteem and was finally feeling back on track. Fast forward to this week and something has niggled at me and I couldnt figure out why - he was on his phone a lot but he's always been like that and it's never bothered me before.

Anyway - I looked at his phone last night before bed and saw a text from a well known hook up site (not even a dating site - this site is well known for being purely for sex). At first I tried to think maybe it was innocent as we've actually talked about joining this very site as a couple! But nope. I've found him, he's looking for couples and single women. He's even been verified by someone which I think usually means you have to have met up with them or done something on cam with them. He's been on the site for 3 weeks and was last active on there last night.

I'm absolutely heartbroken, literally I'm beside myself, I know it sounds pathetic and I thought I was stronger than this but I've called in sick to work and all I've done all morning is sit on the floor and sob and retch/try not to throw up. I know everyone says this but I can't believe he's done this. Only a couple of weeks ago he was telling me he can't believe he nearly lost me, I'm the best thing that ever happened to him and he is going to try everything to show me how much he loves and appreciates me.

I've been with him my whole adult life, since school, we're married and have 2 DC (9 and 7). I don't know how you can do this to someone you're supposed to love. We have a family and a life together, we had so much planned, I really thought it was going to work out after all the crap we've been through - I really thought we were stronger. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach that he might have actually met with someone and done something with them.

He's at work and I don't know what to do. Don't judge me but initially I was going to try and wait til we had moved house (it's not long away now) because the deposit is paid, we can't get it back, nowhere will accept me on my own as my income isn't enough for some reason - despite the fact I work full time. However this was before I realised he'd been verified (meaning he's probably met/chatted very closely with someone) and now I don't think I can pretend for that long and keep having sex with him.

What the fuck do I do? I'm absolutely heartbroken, I just keep thinking about my poor kids, having to give them up every other fucking weekend and being on my own, having to give them up for part of Christmas. I know I'm over thinking it but it's just not fair. I didn't want any of this. I've bent over backwards to make this work, I'm not even being big headed (if anything I have zero confidence right now) but I've been the perfect fucking wife. No one will love and care for that man like I have, I do so much for him. I keep myself looking nice, we have a good sex life. Why is it never enough for so many of these lying bastards? We have a family and a life together, we are supposed to love each other.

I'm thinking now I need to confront him tonight but I'm so scared. Partly because of the house situation and partly because once I do it, there's no going back and my life has changed forever in a way that I never even fucking wanted. Though in fairness I have cried solidly since 8am with no sign of being able to pull myself together so the choice might be out of my hands as he'll know something is up! I actually want to crawl into a hole and die right now. I didn't want this. We were happy, life was finally picking up. We nearly split a few months ago and now I wish we fucking had because my heart is in pieces all over again.

So on top of everything you are now financially supporting this loser?

Is this the life you choose for your children? It absolutely baffles me how some women will hang on to any old cheating scumbag and then have endless heart searching discussions about their ‘relationship’.

I hope your counselling will help you find some self respect, you are making so many bad decisions here.

Also, get yourself tested. STDs can cause great damage if they are left untreated, and this foray into the hook up site may not be the first time he has cheated.
Don’t let your physical health suffer as well as everything else.

Bloody hell, I've only just come across this thread but I'm really sorry you're having to go through all of this.
Personally, he'd have been out on his ear but I appreciate that it's easier said than done sometimes. You're certainly a better person than me!
I'm not sure how anyone could trust a cheating partner ever again but more than anything, I hope he never does this to you again.

Sounds like you're doing as well as can be expected in the circumstances, OP.

Half of you is probably trying to make it work, and another part of your head is working behind the scenes (mentally speaking) to enable you to deal with it if you discover you can't move past it. At least then, whichever path you ultimately end up on, you'll be prepared for it better than when you initially found out.

Oh , what a relief Bendy and all you recent posters that someone gets EXACTLY how I feel .
Sometimes I feel like I am living in a seperate world to others .
Do you appreciate the irony Bendy as VB has overlooked so many of DB cheating incidents?!

Your update sounds positive, I'm pleased you are still having counselling & have increased your RL support.

Keep looking after yourself

I’m so sorry this happened to you.

Instead of checking his phone, I’d sign up to tinder, fab and bumble on a fake profile And keep an eye on there. Honestly, guys who get off on random hookups while married almost always do it again (I’ve never heard of one who hasn’t tbh). He also got verified the first time so he cammed or met someone already. Did he explain how?

He was arranging to meet up in your house behind your back. There’s a certain thrill in that, it’s like a fetish, and it’s not something that most men can fight. The fact you’ve found out once means the thrill of it all is actually heightened because of the risk intensity. I would stay vigilant and be prepared because next time he does it and you find out you should leave. Don’t stay with him again.

God I'm struggling at the moment. This will no doubt be a loooong waffle, apologies in advance. I think I'm just going to use this to get my feelings out.

For the last week or so it's just been really hard. I don't even know why, it just has. I really felt like I was starting to trust him again and now at the moment I just feel like I'll never get it back. Saturday night we were in bed just messing about on our phones, things had been absolutely fine and all of a sudden I thought "he's doing something on his phone, he's back on fabswingers again". Once the thought was there it wouldn't go away and I lay there til 3am stressing about it. In the morning I woke up and the rational part of me was like 'wow you were being ridiculous last night' and looking back, I don't think he was doing anything - but in the moment, I am utterly convinced he's doing something and it's AWFUL.

I'd got to a point where I wasn't really feeling the need much to check his phone, he leaves it lying about all the time and I'm just not bothered. Now I'm back to checking again. Sadly being on mumsnet has taught me all the different things to check (you know the stuff like checking for hidden apps, checking battery/app use etc etc), and yes I know it's really sad and totally wrong in itself that I'm even feeling the need to check this stuff. Anyway. Every time, I've found nothing. I'm questioning my sanity again and I know it's not healthy.

Ever since the weekend I've just felt really down and stressed and agitated all week. I had my counselling session this morning, the first one in 3 weeks - I walked in and she asked how I am, I smiled and said 'fine thankyou' and then I burst into tears and spent the whole hour sobbing.

I'll be honest, recently I've been thinking more about leaving him. The other day we were looking at our finances and working some stuff out and I sat and did some sums of my own to try and work out if I'd manage financially by myself. But it makes me really sad that I'm even thinking that way. Why am I so reluctant to consider separating? I can't make sense of it. It's like I have this massive sense of failure if we can't make it work and end up as yet another failed marriage, another statistic. And I know that's ridiculous because if it does fail - I know it's down to his actions, not mine. I KNOW that, I really do. I don't understand why I'm so against it.

And yet despite saying all the above, there's that part of me that does still love him and wants it to work. That little voice that says 'there's other people that have come through situations like this, you could too if you just give it more time'. That's the thing. I think what if I do end it, but actually if I'd given it time then we would have been OK and he would never have done anything again? Maybe he's genuinely regretful? People are human, they make mistakes and sometimes they learn from them so they don't do it again.

I know I'm rambling. I've just got so much going on in my head. I'm so overwhelmed. I honestly don't know how I'm functioning right now, I'm actually worried for my mental health, I feel like I'm going to lose the plot and have a nervous breakdown. How could he ever hurt me again, knowing what this has done to me? Why do men do stuff like what he has done? (I know women do too, but right now I'm just focusing on lying cheating bastard men, forgive me). Has he just actually never loved me at all, he just doesn't give enough of a fuck about me?

It's so hard because aside from all this, we have been OK. We actually all had a genuinely nice christmas, I genuinely forgot about all of this bollocks some of the days. We're getting on well, he makes me laugh, he's still making effort in other ways. I know none of that makes what he did OK, I'm just saying it for context - it's not like he's carried on being a total shit. That would make my decision a whole lot easier!

I was talking to my SIL yesterday and I told her I wish someone had a crystal ball and could tell me how it'll turn out. If someone could tell me to give it time and in 6 months/a year I'll feel better and I'll be able to trust him again and we can make a real go of it and be happy, then I'd be like OK right lets stick with it then. But no one can tell me that. And I can NOT feel like this for the rest of my life. I can't carry on in a relationship where I'm always doubting and worrying like this, it'll make me ill and frankly I know I deserve better than that.

If the trust thing WONT get better then I know my options are a) stay in the relationship and carry on like this and always feel miserable and worried or b) end it and be devastated over the loss of my husband, my marriage, my family. The problem is deciding which would make me more miserable. Because I know for a fact I'll be devastated if we split. Despite everything, I do love this man.

All those years, all our history together, our family life. If only he'd not done what he'd done, we could have been so happy right now. How could he be so fucking stupid? Why do they do it? I'm so desperate to know the answer to that. Do they really think it's worth risking everything they have? Or do they just not give a shit? Do they think what they're doing is OK?

I've got a lot of thinking and some decisions to make, I know that. And I know there'll be replies to this saying LTB, why are you putting up with this, do you not want a better life for you and your children, etc etc. And I get it I really do. In a way I actually agree with you. But before you're harsh with me please just remember, it's very easy to say that to someone and a lot harder to actually turn your life upside down and make that change. I'm not just some random on the internet, this is my actual life here and the whole thing is breaking my heart.

In the short term, I need to stop hiding what's going on in my head and actually talk. He keeps asking if I'm OK and I keep saying fine. My counsellor said I need to talk to him and be honest about how I'm feeling. But what do I say? It's the same conversation we've had so many times now. I don't even know what to say apart from 'I'm not OK'. She says I'm damaging myself by putting myself through this and not talking. I'm so sad. I just want someone to come round and give me a hug and take charge and tell me what to do.

I just want my old life back. I just want to go back to a time when we were happy before all this shit happened, I really don't know how we got here. I don't deserve it, it's so fucking unfair.

It is unfair, very. Can you get a bit of space for yourself? A couple of days away somewhere where you can let your mask drop completely? Then perhaps consider a joint counselling session where you can let it all out safely? The way you are feeling is normal, but that doesn't mean it isn't excruciatingly hard.

Thank you @chilling19 funnily enough this is exactly what I've been thinking. I just need to get away and get some space where he's not in my face. I could take my laptop and work from anywhere really. I could leave him with the kids, he can sort all the school runs etc! It's just where I'd go. Maybe my mum. She'd probably let me stay. I do think I need some space. Is it the right thing to do or am I just running away from my problems?

I think it is the right thing to do as you will not be running away from your problems, you will be running straight towards them by clearing your mind of the need to put on a brave face. Then your mind can be free to relax and examine how you are really feeling and what you want the plan to look like going forward. Is your mum supportive? Would she leave you be to think?

My situation isn't the same as yours OP: mine had an affair, after lots of lying, he left. I was very scared, alone, underconfident. And 5 years on, I am ok. I have had some really helpful counselling, I have met some really lovely people and done some lovely things (lots of which I wouldn't have done with my H), I live on my own and it isn't scary, life is really good. I'm not particularly marvellous, and I figure, if I can do it, others can too. Also, there are no circumstances in which I'd have him back.

BUT. There are times when I just wish this all hadn't happened, that I was still in my ignorant little bubble, bumbling along as normal....I think we get used to something and it becomes our normal, and it is what we know, familiar, and safe. What I am saying I think is that I understand that you want your safe back, and you want it to work because it;s familiar. And leave or not (in some ways I am grateful I wasn't given a choice, just had to manage the hand that was dealt to me) you might, like me, think back and want that back. Which isn;t to say you should stay, just to say that I suspect what you are feeling is normal for the abnormal situation. Maybe stick with the counselling, give it time. YOu don't need to make a decision about the next 49 years, just get through the next 49 minutes, and the next, and accept that your feelings may waver, and be inconsistent, but at some stage you will know what you want.

Jesus Christ op he has serial cheat stamped across his forehead in bright red ink!

You're headed for a lifetime of poor mental health, low self esteem, and heartbreak after heartbreak and you're walking into it willfully blind.

Why are you clinging to this revolting man? I can't get my head around it. Each time you've forgiven is a green light for him to carry on. You know that right?

Go to your mum's, think with a clear head and research where you stand legally. Also please read up on codependency.

@Starksforthewin
So on top of everything you are now financially supporting this loser?

Not exactly no. Even before any of this happened, I'd strongly encouraged him to leave his job. It was an awful awful place to work and was sucking the life out of all of us as a family, not just him. I was actually glad when the incident happened that made him not want to go back (well not glad that the incident happened as it was pretty horrible, but I'm glad it gave him the push to leave). He's been looking for other work, I know that because I've been checking over his CV and applications etc. It's not ideal long term but for now, I'm so glad he's out of there. I understand how it looks though.

@SonicVersusGynaephobia
Half of you is probably trying to make it work, and another part of your head is working behind the scenes (mentally speaking) to enable you to deal with it if you discover you can't move past it. At least then, whichever path you ultimately end up on, you'll be prepared for it better than when you initially found out

Yeah I think you've got it in one there. I suppose that's how the human mind works isn't it. Even if part of me wants to make it work, it's human nature to protect yourself and prepare for the worst so I've got that other part of me going 'OK but if he does it again then what will you do?'. I think you're right though - I'll definitely be better prepared because of all this. I know if there's ANYTHING else, even something that might normally seem small, but even the tiniest breach of trust - I know that will have to be it for me. Even if I still WANTED to stay with him, I couldnt. Even now, I'm not sure if I can.

@AlaskaSometimes
Instead of checking his phone, I’d sign up to tinder, fab and bumble on a fake profile And keep an eye on there. Honestly, guys who get off on random hookups while married almost always do it again (I’ve never heard of one who hasn’t tbh). He also got verified the first time so he cammed or met someone already. Did he explain how?

I'm still signed up to fab, I signed up the day I saw that text on his phone when I signed up and found him on there. I do check occasionally but I try not to as I find I drive myself mad and get a bit obsessive trying to work out if certain profiles could be him. I know even as I write this that this just isn't healthy. But yeah anyway. God there's so many married men on there, it's disgusting. Fucking nasty little creeps. I get inundated with messages (I never reply to any), it's all a bit pathetic really.

He said he got verified by someone he was chatting to on there, they added each other as a friend and agreed to verify each other. To be honest I know other people who have done that without meeting so it's definitely plausible, or of course he could be lying. Unfortunately I'll never know for sure, because he's hardly going to say 'Yes dear I did meet up with a woman actually, that's how I ended up verified'. Ugh. To be honest though I'm 99.9% sure he never met up with anyone - only because for that 3 weeks he was on there, I know where he was all the time, I know 100% he didn't take any time off work and he was only ever at work or at home. However, if he'd been on there longer before I'd caught him and I couldn't account for all of his time, would I have been so sure? I don't know, sadly.

I would stay vigilant and be prepared because next time he does it and you find out you should leave. Don’t stay with him again

I won't, I can promise you that. I know some won't believe me and think I'm a mug and I'll forgive anything but I really won't. I can't even believe I've forgiven as much as I have, to be honest. I've definitely lost respect for myself. I'm so angry with him for doing this.

@Theoscargoesto
Thank you and I'm sorry you've been through that I'm glad you had counselling and stuff too. I never realised just how much it would help. Have you dated anyone else or had any other relationships?

YEP I get you completely about wishing you were still in an ignorant little bubble! There's times I actually wish I'd never looked and I'd never found out. Obviously I know that really that wouldnt be ideal, because potentially it could have escalated to him meeting someone and putting my health at risk, but yeah. God I wish none of it had happened. Yeah I just want my 'safe' back. You've made me cry now. Ugh, that's just exactly it isn't it. It's all just so sad. I don't understand how someone can so easily throw away/ruin something so good.

@Closetbeanmuncher
Why are you clinging to this revolting man? I can't get my head around it. Each time you've forgiven is a green light for him to carry on. You know that right?

I don't know. That's all I can say. I can't get my head around it either. It's just that feeling of wanting it to get better. I've been on here long enough to know that there's plenty of men (and women!) who do something like this and beg forgiveness, show remorse etc and then they do it again. I know that. But equally I know there are people who cheat or do something like this and then it all comes out, they nearly lose everything and they think "why the fuck did I ever risk everything like that?" and they want to make it better, and they don't do it again.

I know how this sounds, I know how fucking naive I sound but I suppose I just want so much for it to be the second scenario, not the first. And I know that by staying with him, I'm risking being hurt all over again. If this was one of my friends I'd be telling them to walk. I can't even tell you why I'm still here, I just can't.

Sorry I've not replied to everyone personally but I'm so grateful for all the replies, it really does help me and it just helps to get it out!

I'm just feeling so sad. I definitely think I need some space, I'm seeing my mum later so I'm going to broach the subject, I think she'll be OK with it. I'd rather go and stay somewhere a bit further away to be honest, I've got family who live further away but if I go there I'll just be inundated with a million questions about what's happened and I just cant handle that at the moment.

I hate even writing it or admitting it to myself but I've definitely been thinking more about separation for the last week or so. Does that mean that's what I want? I have no idea, but it's definitely been on my mind. I'm just so worried for me and my kids. They'll be so sad and I know kids are resilient and they'll get over it and all that, but still - I just don't want to put them through it. Or me, if I'm honest! As much as I hate him for what he's done and how insecure it's made me, we still get on and he makes me laugh and he's pretty much my best friend (except I know a best friend wouldnt do what he's done, but yeah..). The thought of being sat there alone every night is sickening. I'm so angry I've been put in this position of having to make this decision.

Do you know the other thing that really bothers me? It's if we do split - I see so many happy stories on here, 'I left my husband and now I'm with someone else and we're really happy' etc etc - how the hell do you EVER trust anyone ever again? Because right now I'm in the mindset of all men are lying cheating bastards, it's just in their genes and they'll all do it eventually. I know how awful that sounds and I know there'll be plenty of you who think I'm wrong because your partner/husband has never done anything like that. But that's how I felt about my husband. I trusted him implicitly, literally he was the LAST person I would ever expect to do what he's done. So I feel like if he can do it then anyone can, so if we split then I may as well stay alone forever. Sorry this sounds so self pitying, it's just genuinely how I feel at the moment.

Wise words Theo.

Sometimes it’s best to just think about the next 45 minutes —not 45 years—

you are going to spend the rest of your life checking his phone, worrrying and not trusting him.. YOU will be miserable

why would you leave too? Id be telling him to go stay else where for a few days to give you headspace

@bluehairandheartbroken yes: I'm five years in, I've dated, I have a nice man friend, he is much kinder to me than my H was, and that I feel I deserve.....but that's another story, and I'm still having therapy, and it continues to help.

I am sorry I made you cry, but you hit the nail on the head: it just is so sad, not only that they can throw all the good stuff away, but that their first reaction wasn't to talk, to sort it out, to be honest. I think allowing you your feelings, having space to feel whatever you feel, sad, angry, lonely, resentful (maybe that's just me!) is ok. Your feelings will change sometimes from minute to minute, so give yourself time and space and when you reach a point, as you will, that your feelings are consistent, that's the time to start thinking about acting on them. Remember you are strong, trust yourself.

Please be assured there's light at the end of the tunnel. Separation is hell, especially if it's not amicable but you will meet someone else and will wonder why you didn't leave sooner. I'm lying in my bed listening to music like a teenager, giddy with just the thought of seeing him tomorrow, a year ago I was arguing with h on the verge of splitting. Deliriously happy is an understatement. Please don't waste your life, I wasted 10 years.

Sounds like finances is keeping you with him.

If you could leave and your lifestyle not change much, would you be more willing to go?

I think you need to look at why you are staying in a relationship that is so unhealthy for you.

I have followed this whole
Thread and so much you say resonates with me.
I have a thread on here about my marriage - it was toxic and looking back it was always bad but I tried and tried to justify all the things he had done to me.
In 2014 my STBXH was discovered online - he tried to convince me he was just looking at porn, which to me was a betrayal as he never had Sex with me.
When he explained it was porn I was so upset but my brain wouldn't let me delve any further it was almost a block, I accepted that and his excuse of depression and stress.
We separated for some time but just not because of the porn, because of his unwillingness to have spoken to me about his depression/stress - we were a team and he has cut me out, I told him if I had a headache and he couldn't tell me this - we had counselling and worked on our marriage and for a few years things seemed better, I did still check his phone (he was also talking to people online previously) i found nothing now I know he had a secret phone and that calculator app - I did find myself driving to work and arriving with tears running down my face but I thought that was my problem that I needed to deal with but I had rationalised his excuses and I convinced myself I was strong enough to hold my family together, that's what strong women do. I tried harder and harder to show him how much I loved him, I killed my self trying to be a full time worker, a domestic goddess and attractive.
The year later he was caught again doing the same things, he threatened suicide and I carried on sweeping his actions under the carpet. He's poorly/ill/I can't walk away.
For 6 years I bent over backward to love him and show him love.
Earlier this year (things were so good) he started having panic attacks, I was terrified I thought he was going to drop down dead as they mimicked heart problems, I rushed him to the hospital one Saturday morning and when he walked out of there telling me he was fine me and my son burst out crying we were so relived, the rest of that day I cuddled him, waited on him and told him to pack his job up, I would sell the house we would do all it took to reduce the stress he was so obviously feeling.
The following day He had a letter and I don't know why but I opened it. I have never done this before.
It was a parking ticket- with a photo of his car some 60 miles away from work.
I checked my messages between him and I and the communication with him apparently that day he was at work!!!!
I confronted him, he denied it For hours.
Then he admitted he couldn't face work that day so he had gone to work in a hotel 😦
My brain still tried to believe this even though it was 60 miles from his usual place of work.
I sat my (young) adult kids down and said your dad is dealing with a lot of stuff let's try really hard blah blah blah - they were brilliant. We arranged cooking/shopping housework schedules so as to not pressure him - we took it all on because we loved him.
But the next day my daughter was really shitty to me when she phoned me from work and I was confused, she came home and asked her dad to borrow his phone, he was cocky when he handed it over. (What I didn't know was he was doing nothing on his actual phone it was just in the car recording where he was travelling - he has a second phone for his online activities)
Apparently I didn't know but the iPhone logs your last locations in maps. She asked him why he had been to xxxx address for a period of time on multiple occasions - he asked to speak to me on my own -
He then told me he had been speaking to someone for 6+ years and he had feelings for her.
I didn't ask any questions, I wouldn't have received the truth. All I knew that when I was justifying his actions and trying to convince myself that he was a damaged soul and just needed an ego boost he was betraying me and my children.
I've not seen him in 8 months.
He's convinced he is happy - he's left me dealing with everything. It's hell on earth.

I'm not saying people can't make a mistake but if they need validation online then they have pretty much learned how to compartmentalise their real life and that is a buzz that's easy to go back to at any point. My STBXH was so happy I thought, we had 3 holidays booked including a Caribbean cruise only booked 2 days before he left.
The day he left he grabbed me and said you are my angel I love you more than my life - an hour later he had left because he didn't love me and never had (we had been together 25 years)
He hasn't seen my/his kids since he walked out.

I hope it works out for you I really do but looking back the battles I had with myself over the last 6 years wasn't worth the risk. He showed me his character all those years ago. I should have listened, now he is rewriting history and me and the kids are the enemy. In my opinion they don't change, there is something fundamentally missing in these men and they will always need a secret life. Real life won't be enough.
I was so smug after the 2014 episode - I thought we were for life and I thought he was my beautiful, misunderstood man.
I was so wrong.
Please don't be me - I'm 47, I have no earning potential and I'm forever damaged and I live with the guilt that I've subjected my kids to mental health issues that didn't really exist.
Take care.

Oh OP, I am so sorry all this is happening. You absolutely don't deserve it.

I think try not to give yourself a hard time (seems like you are hating yourself for staying and hating yourself for thinking about leaving).... you have every right to do both, and to change your mind one way or another. You are not committed to staying just because you haven't made a final decision yet. And if you do end up staying then nobody has the right to judge.

You have a huge amount to adjust to, and get your head and heart around, and it is totally natural that you have all kinds of contradictory emotions. The grieving process is MEANT to involve denial and bargaining, along with anger and depression etc..... whether you stay or go it is going to be a rollercoaster. Unfortunately, you have a lot of pain either way.....

It is possible the pain of separation will be more intense at the start, but with more possibility of actually healing, removing the source of pain from your life and rebuilding something without that wound for the rest of your life.... I did decide to leave (after a couple of months of trying to forgive/discovering more etc) and it was hell for a couple of years but I am now much much happier and mentally healthy, as is my child. I cannot speak for the alternative, asI didn't live through it.

One other thought on trusting him, which you have talked about maybe getting better over time. For me the issue is not whether he is still cheating. While possible, it is quite possible he is behaving well while his guilt is fresh and he knows you are watching closely. I would be more worried about 4-5 years from now, when you guys aren't in a great place but you are back to normal life- when you have given more of your life, and the ability to rebuild is that bit harder....

I am sorry to be pessimistic, but that is my worry for you.... I am very glad you are going to counseling and finding it useful. You deserve to have that space just for you to explore your feelings and work out what is right for you. I am wishing you luck with that very difficult journey and truly respect whatever you decide....