Caught my husband and now I'm a mess

[bluehairandheartbroken]

I've been on here a while but NC in case it's outing, and because I'm just so ashamed I've let this happen to me. Please be gentle, I'm an absolute mess. I'll try not to drip feed but my head is all over the place.

Bit of background - me and my husband (I can't even write DH) had some issues for a while, mainly just lack of communication and grown apart a bit, no cheating (well I was totally confident there wasn't and now I'm questioning everything). We got back on track (or so I thought, things have been great and we've both been making much more effort with each other. I've actually felt happy for the first time in a long time and he seemed happy too - we constantly tell each other we love each other, cuddle, the sex has improved/got more regular too (which I know now from reading other posts on here should have been a red flag. I'm so fucking stupid).

We're moving house very soon - deposit is all paid, kids have chosen their rooms, we have a moving in date and have our move out date for our current house. We've both said how we're really looking forward to a fresh start.

During our issues I had some major self esteem issues and kept convincing myself he was cheating. I checked his phone a few times (I know I shouldn't have and I'm not proud), never found anything. I've got help for myself with the anxiety and self esteem and was finally feeling back on track. Fast forward to this week and something has niggled at me and I couldnt figure out why - he was on his phone a lot but he's always been like that and it's never bothered me before.

Anyway - I looked at his phone last night before bed and saw a text from a well known hook up site (not even a dating site - this site is well known for being purely for sex). At first I tried to think maybe it was innocent as we've actually talked about joining this very site as a couple! But nope. I've found him, he's looking for couples and single women. He's even been verified by someone which I think usually means you have to have met up with them or done something on cam with them. He's been on the site for 3 weeks and was last active on there last night.

I'm absolutely heartbroken, literally I'm beside myself, I know it sounds pathetic and I thought I was stronger than this but I've called in sick to work and all I've done all morning is sit on the floor and sob and retch/try not to throw up. I know everyone says this but I can't believe he's done this. Only a couple of weeks ago he was telling me he can't believe he nearly lost me, I'm the best thing that ever happened to him and he is going to try everything to show me how much he loves and appreciates me.

I've been with him my whole adult life, since school, we're married and have 2 DC (9 and 7). I don't know how you can do this to someone you're supposed to love. We have a family and a life together, we had so much planned, I really thought it was going to work out after all the crap we've been through - I really thought we were stronger. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach that he might have actually met with someone and done something with them.

He's at work and I don't know what to do. Don't judge me but initially I was going to try and wait til we had moved house (it's not long away now) because the deposit is paid, we can't get it back, nowhere will accept me on my own as my income isn't enough for some reason - despite the fact I work full time. However this was before I realised he'd been verified (meaning he's probably met/chatted very closely with someone) and now I don't think I can pretend for that long and keep having sex with him.

What the fuck do I do? I'm absolutely heartbroken, I just keep thinking about my poor kids, having to give them up every other fucking weekend and being on my own, having to give them up for part of Christmas. I know I'm over thinking it but it's just not fair. I didn't want any of this. I've bent over backwards to make this work, I'm not even being big headed (if anything I have zero confidence right now) but I've been the perfect fucking wife. No one will love and care for that man like I have, I do so much for him. I keep myself looking nice, we have a good sex life. Why is it never enough for so many of these lying bastards? We have a family and a life together, we are supposed to love each other.

I'm thinking now I need to confront him tonight but I'm so scared. Partly because of the house situation and partly because once I do it, there's no going back and my life has changed forever in a way that I never even fucking wanted. Though in fairness I have cried solidly since 8am with no sign of being able to pull myself together so the choice might be out of my hands as he'll know something is up! I actually want to crawl into a hole and die right now. I didn't want this. We were happy, life was finally picking up. We nearly split a few months ago and now I wish we fucking had because my heart is in pieces all over again.

You are not doing this to your kids. He did it.

I'm so sorry you are going through this but you know the trust is gone. How would you ever trust him? He's sorry he was caught, not sorry he was enjoying sexual banter with other women behind your back. That bit he enjoyed.

He's a total arse and you deserve so much more.

I know I keep disappearing and I'm sorry. I just keep going into stick my head in the sand mode. You know, if I don't talk about it then it's not really happening

I'm going to be completely honest about the situation now, even though I know there'll be plenty of posters on here rolling their eyes at me. So I've moved house now, the kids are so happy here. As you know, I'd told him to leave. However he did help me move house - as pathetic as it sounds, there was SO much to do, I absolutely couldn't have done it on my own. Even now I'm still wading through unpacking stuff.

He is now here living in the new house, for now. I know, I know. I honestly can't describe to you what's going on in my head, I can't make sense of it myself. He's still full of regret and wanting to put things right. And the bit I'm finding really hard is - there's always that tiny chance that actually they DO see the error of their ways and DO regret it and can now be trusted. Isn't there? OK, there's a fair few men (well, and women) who do something like this and will carry on doing it as long as they can get away with it. But there must be a small percentage who had a moment of madness and genuinely intend to never do anything like it again. Right? And I so want to believe he's one of those.

In reality I'm struggling. He's not put a foot wrong, he's stepped up, he's doing loads to help with the house/kids, it's been consistent now for a few weeks. I've barely had to cook a meal since we moved into this house. On the surface it's good. But inside I'm still so angry. He could be doing all this and yet he could still be online chatting to other women and I wouldnt have a clue. That's the hard bit. I'll never know if he's truly sorry and can now be trusted, or if he's going to do it again. There's not even any point checking his phone - because a) he managed to hide it before anyway and b) I dont want to be that person. He leaves his phone around all the time now and says I can look whenever I want but I don't want to have to! I shouldnt have to.

It's driving me insane, I'm not sleeping well at all. If I wake up in the night (which is most nights), BAM I start thinking it all over and then I'm wide awake. I don't know whether this might get better with time, because I do read on here about people who have managed to get through something like this. But if it's not going to get better then I'd rather be on my own because I just cant live like this. I hate him for making me this jealous and insecure person. I just wish I had a crystal ball and could know if this will get better or not.

I feel like such a pathetic mug, I thought I was stronger than this. It's just not fair, I never asked for any of this. All those years together, our lovely family life. Quite possibly now all been thrown away.

Be kind to yourself.
It's really hard because you want to believe him and want things to go back to the way they were, and they won't. Not for a long time because he's almost trying too hard.

Do you believe there wasn't anything physical and it was just an ego boost? Because I think that makes it much easier.

Sorry if I've missed anything but it was a hook up site, wasn't it? Rather than an affair. It's obviously still abhorrent but if you honestly want to make things work you at least know it was just about sex and not love.

You can try for now and kick him out in a week or a month or a year if you want to.
You don't need to try if you don't want to either.

Talk about it as much as you need to. If you wake up with a question at 2am, wake him up and ask him. Don't bottle things up.

No one has any business berating you here or in RL. This is your life and your feelings. People have very kindly given advice but that doesn't mean you have to follow it. This is your path to choose and only you know how you feel. As has been said numerous times, don't rush yourself, give yourself time to understand how you really feel. You don't need to make rash decisions. 18 years and 2 kids is a lot to consider.

@GiveHerHellFromUs thank you for your kind words. Yes, call me a mug but I do believe there wasn't anything physical. However the bit I struggle with is, if I hadn't found out when I did - would there eventually have been something physical? I just don't know. My gut wants to say no, he'd never have been capable of that but I just don't know any more. Because I never thought he'd be capable of the stuff I know about. I just feel like I don't know him any more, like he's not the person I married.

Yes that's right, it was a hook up site. I want to say I could never have forgiven an affair but who knows - I never thought I would try to forgive this either but I'm clearly more of a mug than I thought.

We were talking recently and I tried to explain how pathetic he's made me feel and I said the thing that worries me is that if someone does something to hurt you and you forgive it, then you are essentially telling them that behaviour is acceptable and that they can do it again. So I feel like I'm telling him this behaviour is OK, which it's obviously absolutely not. He said he gets it and he knows it's 100% not acceptable and that he knows he's lucky to be here, being given another chance and it's more than he deserves.

Ha you're right, I should wake him at 2am. I nearly did that last night actually!

I've felt quite numb over it all the last couple of weeks, I was kind of in survival mode and trying to get on with things. But suddenly this last couple of days I'm really struggling again. I dont know whether to bring it up with him. But then what will I even say? And what can he say to help, that he's not already said? Ugh. Wish I could switch my brain off.

Thank you @purpleboy I do think sometimes people forget this is actually someone's real life, and they're very quick to say LTB. But that said, I do appreciate all of the advice.

The thing about the phone is that he could have another one you don’t know about right? Stored in a locker somewhere. Also, he’s only sorry because he got caught. He said he did it because he needed the ego boost and to feel wanted but you said you had sex almost every day!! He gets/got a lot of sex from you. So those two things don’t go together. If he’s not honest about why he did it then he will do it again. My guess is he’s addicted to the Adrenalin rush when he gets a new message or he knows somebody has looked at his dick pic. If that’s it then you’re on dangerous ground. He needs to be in treatment for addiction and you both need to be in couples counselling for this to even stand a faint chance. Sorry OP but he will do it again and my opinion is you’d be best off chucking him now and not wasting another 18 years. He’s just now going to be more careful to not get found out.

I had a friend who took her dh back after he cheated. She rang me and said 'I know people think I'm an idiot'
I'll tell you what I told her,
'it's your relationship, your business. '

She took a long time to trust him again, made worse because he wanted to forget it and couldn't understand that it would take time for her.
6 years later they're still together and seem very happy.

Op go with your gut - you know him well we don't - do you think he can be trusted? - remember you can try again with him and then decide 3,6,9 months from now that you want him to leave.

This is your life and your family!- do what you feel is best - for now even. Just know that you are strong and can ALWAYS get by on your own - good luck to you whatever you decide.

All the evidence says he physically cheated. He was verified on a hook up site and actually said that he could have a woman in his (your) house to fuck her brains out. That's not an ego boost, being balls deep in a stranger is cheating. He won't change but you will see that soon enough my lovely, hopefully before your kids think that it's ok to treat somebody you love do shabbily. I really hope you find the strength to be see that you are worth so much more.

Oh, and you didn't/won't break your kids hearts and upend their lives because you didn't cheat with potentially diseased strangers from the internet...their daddy did. Good luck.

I have been where you are but my husband hadn't been on a sex site, he had just been messaging women he knew or distantly knew on Facebook.
His were emotional affairs rather than physical.

I wasted 17 years on my husband. The first time he did it, we hadn't been married long. He flew into a rage and threatened to kill himself. He denied everything even when I had evidence.
I brushed things under the carpet, I never forgave or forgot and we carried on.

I turned into a raving loony, checking his phone and stuff. He was the perfect husband for a few months but then he did it again.

This cycle continued for years and it destroyed me completely. On the outside we had a perfect marriage but the inside was a different matter.

I made plans in 2011 to leave in 2021 when our daughter turned 18. The day I made that plan was another day I'd discovered more messages to women. I stopped checking his phone or caring what he did as I knew I would leave eventually.

Last year I checked his work phone for no reason other than he asked me to bring it downstairs and there were messages to a woman asking her on a date.
Something flipped in my head and that night I told him our marriage was over.
He didnt believe me, why would he? We'd fone this cycle before.
After 2.5 weeks he realised I was serious as I'd seen a solicitor to make plans to get him out of my house.

He moved out 1 month after I told him our marriage was over.
He is still in shock and begs to try again. Apparently he would never have left me for any of these women, it was an ego boost and he thought I would just put up with it.
Yes he has mental health problems, yes we all like attention but he didnt have to do this. We had a great sex life as well.

I wont tell you what to do but please dont waste 17 years, it messes with everything.

I'm planning on counselling soon I've got so many issues from my marriage. I'm only 38 bit I'm planning to stay single forever, I dont honestly believe I can ever trust again or want to commit to anyone.

Good luck with whatever you decide

No judgement OP, just enormous hugs for the hell he's put you through and how well you're dealing. Are you back together, or just living together as housemates? Don't feel pressured into letting things go back to "normal" straight away, even under the same roof you can keep a bit of distance to evaluate.

Has he ever come clean about exactly what he got up to? I know you said he claimed never to have met up with anyone, but the messages you saw seem to indicate intention. Does he know you've seen them, if so, how does he explain them away? Same with the hiding to delete the account, it's just not the actions of a repentant person.

If you do end up deciding to give him another go, you need to have EVERYTHING out in the open, complete honesty from him, so you can draw a fat line underneath it. Make it clear that if you find out he's hidden anything from before this line, that's it. If he doesn't know that you've seen the messages you sent your friend, that could be a good litmus test of how honest he's prepared to be.

Good luck OP. You don't deserve this. Best wishes for however you decide to navigate this.

Poor you OP.

No judgements there but my only thought is, don't just sleepwalk into being back together without dealing with this - that will end up in you being incredibly miserable and the marriage disintegrating in the end anyway.

The fact that you are waking up in the night means in your subconscious mind you are deeply unsettled. If you really are going to try again with him, then at the very LEAST a condition of him having a second chance should be that you both attend weekly couples therapy to really dig deep through this issue with a professional. It isn't the first time you've had issues and, without sounding unkind, from the outside in it doesn't look as if your marriage has a great prognosis as things stand.

There may well be a very small percentage of me who can and do change. I really really hope that yours is one of them. Just remember to, very occasionally, remind him he's lucky to be there... and when he turns from being grateful, to snapping about you never bloody forgetting, that's when you know to check up on him again. Fingers crossed for you that he never snaps and he does genuinely knows how lucky he is .

Best of luck to you .

*men

It's easy for us to say LTB as it's not our feelings.

All I can suggest is ask him to move out saying you need longer to process everything & feel safe. Look into counselling, either just for you or jointly to help you deal with your feelings

I read your OP and it actually made me quite emotional because you so perfectly describe the heartbreak and just how fucking unfair it is.

I can absolutely see why you would not want to change your life so much if there's a chance you can work it out. No judgement from here either.

I would just urge you to have your own limit though and stick to it. Don't condemn yourself to a lifetime of feeling like this.

Go to counselling, work on you, do everything you can to love your life and help yourself get over it. But have a time limit and if you don't feel genuinely happy and like you've moved on by then, call it quits knowing you've done your best.

And that's a little ways down the road so no pressure now. Just look after yourself.

Hi, I just read your thread. I just want to wish you all the best. It happened to me 6 years ago. I remember the feelings.

I chose to forgive. And we are stronger than ever. I know I'm one of the minorities here. But yes it can be done. Lots of hard work, sincere communication from the heart. I wish i can give you a hug.

Hi all, thought I'd pop in and update. I'm really grateful for all the support. Sorry I haven't replied to all of the individual comments, it's really hard to keep up but I really appreciate all of the replies and am definitely taking it all on board.

So things are still the same really, we're both living in the new house and we're still 'working on it' I guess. I'm feeling stronger than I was the last time I posted.

I can't remember if I mentioned it (I don't think I did, I think I forgot with everything else going on) but a few days after I found out what he did, there was an incident at work and police were involved (I'm so sorry, I'm not deliberately being vague, I'm just being careful about certain details as I don't want certain family/friends seeing this and realising it's me) and to cut a long story short he had a bit of a mental breakdown about it all and he hasn't gone back to that job. (The incident wasn't anything he did and he's not in trouble). He said he just couldn't go back to that job as he felt like that was the root of everything (to be fair he'd been depressed and had hated that job for a long time) and it had just sent him a bit insane and he didn't even recognise himself, couldn't believe what he's done and what he's put me through etc.. at this point I was all out of sympathy and basically said fuck off I'm bored of your excuses now. But as the days went on we talked a lot about it and although it's absolutely NO excuse for what he's done, I do understand bits of what he's said. He has said himself that he knows none of it excuses what he's done and he realises he doesn't really deserve this second chance I've given him. So at the moment he is looking for another job.

I'm not stupid, I know this all sounds like typical script - 'I was depressed, dont know what I was thinking' blah blah. It's so hard to explain. I know if this was one of my friends I'd be asking them why on earth they were giving him another chance, I know I would! And yet there's this part of me that feels the need to give it this one last shot. I guess all I can say is that I do know him better than anyone, and even though he's been a total shit, I do believe that the poor mental health is genuine. He's not just suddenly mentioned now that he's depressed, I've been aware of it for a while.

I know I'm probably coming across as a total mug but the funny thing is I actually feel 10 times stronger than I did. I've been guilty of doing the pick me dance and I am 100% not doing that any more. For a while I felt desperate to keep him, desperate to keep us together whatever the cost, felt like it would be the end of the world if we split. I don't feel that way any more. Obviously part of me must want me and him to work out, but I can honestly say that I now feel that if we do end up splitting, I'll be OK and I'll get through it. My confidence and self esteem is slowly coming back and I'm finally recognising that all of this was HIS issue, not me. I know I've done nothing wrong, there's nothing I could have done differently that would have stopped him doing what he did, because it was nothing to do with me.

The one thing I'm not sure we can ever get past is the trust thing, which is why I initially threw him out and said we were done for good. Now? I don't know, genuinely. He says he wants to prove himself and earn back my trust, and that he'll do anything to prove that and make me happy. I've been totally upfront with him and said ok let's try but I can't promise anything, I can't know at this point if I will ever trust him again so that's something that only time will tell. I know some couples do come back from things like this and others don't, I don't know yet which we will be. But I've promised myself I will never let myself get to that point again of feeling ill with anxiety and insecurity because I have finally realised I'm better than that! I've decided I'm not putting pressure on myself to make a final decision now. I'm going to let him try and prove himself. Maybe he will or maybe he'll fuck up again and then I will absolutely know for sure that we're done.

So far, so good. He's been attentive, he is open with his phone (not that that really helps me as I know it's still easy to hide stuff but there you go), he's being a better dad to the kids (spending time with them, less snappy, helping with homework etc), he is doing most of the housework and cooking, he's talking to me a fair bit and asking how I'm feeling. Will it last? He says it will. Again, I don't know and I'm keeping an open mind. If he can keep this up long term then maybe just maybe I can begin to trust him again. Equally, maybe a couple of months down the line I'm going to realise I'll never trust him again and I can't live like this. But for now, I'm going to see. I won't lie, it's difficult. Some days are good and I feel almost happy again and other days I can't stand the sight of him and I have to hide away to get some time on my own.

The thing about the phone is that he could have another one you don’t know about right?

I know he 100% doesn't have another phone. (Well is anyone ever 100% about anything? But 99%). There's nowhere he could keep a secret phone without me knowing about it. I find everything

Thankyou @Frenchw1fe that's good to know. I know that some couples do manage to get through and survive situations like this. Right now I don't know if we'll be one of them, but we'll see.

@SortingItOut I'm so sorry you've gone through all that. It's so hard isn't it. And so bloody unfair!

@fpurplea he does know I saw the messages. Part of me does wish I'd kept quiet to see how much he admitted but I just couldn't hold back. As I said, I am pretty sure he's telling the truth about never having met anyone but actually, I clearly don't know him as well as I thought I did. That's the hardest bit to accept really. But if I'm drawing a line in the sand then I think I need to accept that and try to move forward. He said the conversation I saw was the worst one (but of course he would say that wouldn't he) and that he only had about 3 conversations on there (that bit I can probably believe, from what I've seen on that website men don't tend to get many replies!). You're right though. Line drawn. Anything comes out after that, we are done. It has to be the end then, it really does.

Thanks also to @OxfordCat @666onmyhead @BouquetOfRoses @DontCallMeDaisy

I am having counselling (I was already on the waiting list, had been since the summer) on my own at the moment and it's helping. I've only had a couple of sessions so far but just those sessions have really helped me reach the point I talked about above, where I am recognising that none of this is a reflection on me. My counsellor has encouraged me to take more time for myself and to just look after myself a bit more which I have been trying to do. I feel stronger than I have in months, I just hope this feeling lasts now.

I was also talking to a friend and I said I keep suddenly feeling really angry, it just comes out of nowhere, we could be having a really nice day together and I'll just suddenly look at him and think "I fucking hate you and I wish you'd fuck off". She said it's no wonder, because after all it's HIM that is supposed to be putting the effort in (which he is at the moment, to be fair) and yet this is all 10 times harder for me to deal with than it is for him. Because it's almost like things have gone back to normal for him while I've still got to deal with all this going on in my head. And do you know she was spot on - that's exactly how I feel, it's like why is it fair that he just gets to carry on as normal while I'm in total turmoil?

It's like a big massive loss too. It took me ages to work out why I felt so devastated and sad and the words finally came to me last week, so I told him. I said to him that I've had a relationship for such a long time with him, someone who I trusted implicitly and who I never believed would be capable of hurting me in this way. And now, no matter how much we 'work on it', no matter how much effort he puts in, that won't change. He will always now be a person who IS capable of hurting me in that way, because he has done that already and it can never be undone. So I've lost that and I'll never get it back.

Counselling is definitely helping with all of this though! As I said - I'm not putting pressure on myself any more, I am simply giving it time, and I'm hoping that further down the line my head will become clearer and I'll know if we can get past this or not.

@bluehairandheartbroken

No judgment from me either. It's absolutely your decision to make, because it's your life and your family!

However, if I were in your situation, there would be two conditions I'd be laying out for him.

First, he needs to tackle his depression. He has to go and see the GP and accept help - whether that's medication or some form of therapy/counselling.

And second, you need to go to relationship counselling, so that you can work this through together - to establish the grounds on which you can secure your relationship, as well as to forge a way ahead for both of you. It should also give you a 'safe' and objective space to be able to articulate just how much he has betrayed you in a way that he has to properly listen to you.

Finally, I'd also be ruling out totally from here on, the idea that you (as a couple) should be taking part in any kind of couples/swinging site. I don't think you're emotionally strong enough for that.

Good luck

Jesus.. you took him back...I'm stunned...

I think it is very easy for many of us who are not in your position ATM ,to sit here and say you are a mug for taking him back.However as you say ,you dont want to break up your family ,and want to think he may have changed .I am not judging you at all .I hope it works out well for you .Remember this is not set in stone ,and if at any point along the line you feel you want out then that is your decision to make.We will be here for you .Take care OP and sending hugs to you xx