My fiancees brothers new girlfriend hates me!

[LauraDowell85]

I have been with my fiancée for 7 years now and we are recently engaged. I was loved and accepted by his family from the very beginning and they’ve always said I was like a daughter to them. I moved away from my family (300 miles) to Brighton where he is from and everything has been lovely we’ve been on holiday together and just generally all got on like a house on fire.
Until recently.... fiancées older brother (who’s never had a gf) started seeing this girl about a year ago. From the very get go she seemed shy and didn’t really speak much the few times we saw her but I just put that down to everyone being different. I made so much effort with her to include her in things but she never was interested. Things moved very fast in that she moved into his after 4 months of them being together and was even saying to me she was desperate for them to get engaged.... I saw her out once and was rushing to a meeting so didn’t have time to stop and chat but ever since then she hasn’t spoken to me and said I ignored her?! It’s caused a huge rift between my OH and his brother and the extended family (she even completely ignored me at a family meal recently). We don’t do things together anymore because the tension is so much. However I’m being expected to ‘be the bigger person’ and continue making the effort according to his mum and dad?! I really don’t want her at the wedding as she will sit with a face on her all day or cause a scene but none of this was my fault and I’m sick of everyone pretending like nothings happened. What can I do? I don’t want him and his brother falling out but she shouldn’t be behaving like this for no reason it’s so childish she’s 31 years old!!!! It just would be nice for someone to say to her you can’t be like this - I’ve carried on trying for the rest of the family but when is enough enough? I know if I stop it’ll get turned round on me and I’ll be the bad guy as I know she literally doesn’t care - why would she nobody has said anything to her?!. This is eating me up please help :(

Have you got her number? Why dont you text her and ask to meet up and have a chat to see if there is a way you can get over any issues? I dont think anyone can expect any more than that.

Otherwise you will just have to ignore her, easier said than done but if you start avoiding family events you'll be the bad guy and she will have 'won't. Bil wont say anything to her as they are too close and pil wont as they wont want to risk alienating bil. You could always ask your fiance to have a word with his brother to try and sort it out?

If you wave a cheery 'hi sil!' Every time you see her and she ignores you, she will look like a twat not you

you can invite her but you don’t need to sit her on family tables as she’s a girlfriend not a fiancee or wife. You also don’t need to include her in family wedding photographs for the same reason if you don’t want to. If you keep the rules consistant for both sides of your family there wouldn’t be any push back on you either as it’s usually traditional to keep invites just to married couples - so you’d be seen as doing her a huge courtesy by even inviting her

Grey rock HER.. seriously.. calculating little fuckers like this deserve no respect or second chances OP, do not let her kick you out of the family setting... Ignore and Grey rock her. She sounds like a twisted nasty little shit bag. Do not invite her to the wedding make it clear she is not welcome, and if others decide not to come, the screw them too.. it's your big day... Good Luck for your Wedding

Look, ask to meet her for a coffee. She’ll either join you and you can apologise that she felt you were ‘ignoring’ her and explain you were in a rush.
Or she won’t meet you, but you can let the wider family know you tried.
From experience I can tell you life is too short to hold a grudge and it’ll make things not only awkward for the family, but you’ll carry those bad feelings with you for years.

I feel like reaching out will only infuriated me more - my OH has told bil that all she needs to do is apologise and bil has told us he can't make her and she refuses. I haven't had interaction with anyone like this since I was about 15. I guess I'm disappointed that all of the fun things we used to do are now no more as everyone tiptoes around the fact that we don't get on. Yet I have to keep reminding everyone that it wasn't me who actually instigated this it was all her. I'm all for being forgiving any burying the hatchet but on the other hand I can't go on forever trying to make peace as I'm fed up already. 99% of me thinks why should I. I just feel as if pil are expecting me to rise above it all but it's affecting my happiness now - to the point I'm dreading my own wedding.

To others it will look like you’re both being ridiculous and stubborn. Your parents in law to be, will know that she is shy and understand that out of the two of you, you’re the one most likely to be able to rise above the silliness. Hence they appeal to you.
The choice is yours.

Congratulations on the wedding btw!

Maybe she's jealous, not saying that's an excuse to behave like a bitch but some women seem to be that way and manage to get others to feel sorry for them, fuck knows how or why people pussyfoot around such selfish pricks.
Rise above it and focus on your wedding

You can be right, or you can be happy.

You're not in the wrong here, but if you want it to really end, you're going to have to talk it out with her. I'd ask her to go for coffee or a walk to work out whatever is wrong and ask her while you're in front of family. Tell your future family, including your fiance, beforehand, that you want another chance to sort it out and get along. Even if she won't go, the invitation will show you're reasonable and caring.

If she agrees, try one last time to talk it out. if you get resolution, wonderful! You'll get the credit for being the one to reach out first. If she won't, you'll still have been seen to be the one to try to make amends. Either way, it makes you the bigger person.

I also think I'd include her in all family-related wedding activities. You may have to grit your teeth, but 30 years down the road people won't still be talking about the time you wouldn't let BIL's wife (because he could marry her) come to your wedding. Don't let someone else ruin your special day. Just invite her, seat her with your BIL, and forget about her.

If she stays with your BIL long enough, chances are she'll get huffy with someone else. His family will remember how she is behaving to you now and will be able to see the truth. They'll also remember how well you've treated her. Again, you look good. And possibly, she may realize how immature she's been and apologize or let it go. Who knows, you could end up friends.

Flip this on her. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Be happy. 😊

You're seeing aspects of the family dynamic in your fiance's family that just never had an opportunity to before so take careful stock of what's going on. The previous relationship you had probably isn't going to be re-established whether the GF stays on the scene long term or not so don't fritter away your time & effort trying to get it back. Look at what you & your OH consider reasonable & how that compares to what they consider reasonable & importantly why. Give & take is important but equally important is not meekly accepting the role of door mat or scapegoat or allowing others to assign those to you for no actual valid reasons.
You don't sound as if you've done anything wrong here. Don't allow yourself to be moved into the position of being treated as if you have.

Have you told everybody that you couldn’t stop and chat to her because you were rushing to a meeting? Have you said to her in front of family “I’m sorry I couldn’t stop and chat to you that day. I was late for a meeting”? If not, do that. Stop going out of your way to include her in things though. You’ve been lucky in that you previously got along with everybody. She’s upset the family dynamic deliberately. She’ll probably end up isolating BIL from his parents next. Stay strong and non bitchy.

My OH has fed back what happened and told pil that she's ignored my texts and ignored any chance to get together. They've said they weren't happy but said they can't do anything because they're both their sons. It's frustrating because I know that if I'd have done this I'd have been strung up and his mum and dad really fallen out with me. She's very very manipulative and I know she's not shy - just a complete narcissist. I'm struggling with the fact that she's behaving this way as this is something teenage girls do.

My dbro was very close to me and my exh. We often did things together

When he got a serious girlfriend I knew that dynamic would probably change. Yes it made me a little sad but I was happy he was happy. We didnt do stuff together as much anymore.

They moved in and for a while she did come to things. Then around the time they got engaged she changed. I think she had decided she didnt like everyone being so close, fair enough, and decided to change it then. Bit she became very combative. If I text my brother asking if he wanting to do something or go somewhere, she would text and ask why I hadnt spoken to her as they decides these things as a couple. I told her, I thought texting one of them was fine and I wasnt going to assume she had to take on the mental task of organising everything.

If we had family meals, it had to be what she ate. She has gone vegetarian, gluten free, vegan and back again several times. They then had kids and she was a sahm,I was a working mum and she constantly tried to goad me into a sahm v wohm debate. I refused to engage because I genuinely dont care what other people choose to do. There not right way. I used to just say 'there no debate really. Everyone does what they feel is best' and removed myself.

I did the minimum. The final straw was when I went away with my mum and 3 other female relatives. Just was invited and said no. I posted some bits on social media while i was away. My dad was having g a day out with exh and the kids. Dbro called dad raging that she had been left out, we thought she was shit, pushed her out etc. Dad wasnt aware that she had been invited and felt awful.

LDbro threatened to ring mum (its was her birthday) and have a go. Dad begged him not to. Exh called me and told me what had been going on. He had heard both if then shouting at dad, including calling me some choice words, like bully and jealous of her.

So I sent them both a clear text, with a screen shot of the text asking her if she wanted to come and her response. I calmly explained that actually, I had asked and she had said no. Besides which she used to go away with her own mum and relatives and never ask mum to join them. So I was unsure why she would expect to attend everything others have organised, but that I did ask her anyway. That having a go at dad was not on and suggesting they call and apologise.

I didnt want her to come away with us. But I knew she was trying to create a wedge and blame me. This situation showed exactly what she had done I suspect she didnt tell dbro she had been invited then expected him to kick off about it. By sending the screen shot i took the wind out of her sails. I havent actually spoken to her since and only speak to my dbro occassionally. I am no longer expected, bu any family member to engage with her at all.

Long story short. My advice would be to not engage in her arsey behaviour. Invite her to the wedding. By not doing she can lay the blame at your feet. She wont create a scene because then she cant blame you. I would treat her as you would if bil had a serious girlfriend that you just didnt know that well.

You would seat her, if that was the situation, with him, surely? Unless he is on the top table?

Well the plan is he's not best man but he's at top table. I then don't know where to put her because all my family and friends hate her and know what she's like. She just makes everyone she's around feel uncomfortable because she acts above everyone

I wouldnt put him in the top table. I would tell him 'we are not sitting you in the top table so you can sit with your gf'

Why would all your family and friends hate her?

Surely at most they would raise an eyebrow if you complained about her ignoring you. Hate is a very strong word and I am sure they could be civil.

I dont like one of my best friends, friends. I am still civil to her.

I agree that you have to be the bigger person generally; also to suck it up and invite her to your wedding

Things could be worse. I had to invite my sister to my wedding. My father gave me choice. She's spent most of my childhood trying to kill me. Things including dropping a sledgehammer over the back of my head, stabbing me, putting cigarettes out on my arms, pushing me on the stairs on a near daily basis and kicking me black and blue.

She didn't cause a scene at the wedding though. My maid of honour did say if she cane within 10 feet of me she'd drop kick her into next week!!

Invite the moody mare - you can't undo it in the future. Be the bigger person.

He might split with her, you don’t know what’s around the corner so seriously don’t give her a spot on main table and put her on photos. Sounds like she wouldn’t even say congrats or atleast genuinely on the day so I would put her on a random table!

It's hard, but kill her with kindness OP. Include her in things, be pleasant, reasonable and civil, and you will be the bigger person.

I guarantee the BIL is being pussywhipped and hasn't yet seen how awful she is, fingers crosses he will eventually dump her

She's probably also insanely jealous of you and your relationship with your DP and his family.

I would say, watch out as she may try to ruin your wedding day.

This is what I would do rather than passing messages between family members , she just has to apologise ect. I would send the same message to both of them saying you really dont like the way things are , want everyone to get along, explain about the meeting and it was never your intention to ignore her , can you meet up and make peace. Tell everyone you have done this if she ignores it or doesn't want to you can say to everyone you have tried she doesn't want to make up and you dont want to talk about / discuss it any more.At family occasions I would just say hi how are you ect , if she chooses to ignore you it's her that looks bad not you. I would also work on accepting things have changed , they often do for a variety of reasons , focus on your partner, friends, your family and what you want in the future. You can still have a relationship with his family but I think you are giving it too much headspace eg if I did this they would do this, I'm expecting to be the bigger person ect. You are giving them too much control over thys and it seems to have become a huge issue that us just stressing you out.

I would pretend it's all been sorted out and carry on as if you have both put it behind you. Include her in family stuff and be polite.

I imagine it all stems from her insecurities and she was probably looking out for a reason to take you down a peg or two in your Fiancé's family. She was probably very intimidated by the relationship you have with them and thought she could never live up to that. Her behaviour is not nice, but she may grow up a bit over the next few years and you could be close one day.

Don't burn your bridges and be the bigger person. I also wouldn't get too wound up in telling your friends and family about how awful she is; she will really have something to be justifiably upset about after your wedding if that's the case.

I also wanted to say I have been with my husband since I was 19 and his brother has made a few odd comments to his mum when he has had girlfriends, about wanting them to be accepted, treated like me. I do not understand this as we aren't close, he lives with his mum ( we dont and my husband hadn't lived there for 12 years ) so his girlfriends see his family much much more often than me , I think sometimes with the brothers and their newer partners they can sometimes have issues with this

Also, op. I'm not sure if you are being 100% honest with yourself about your own behaviour. You don't say, but did you not even say hello to her when you were rushing to the meeting? That's pretty rude. You may have also felt threatened by her coming into the family, after it had just been you for so long and your behaviour may have shown that.

I'm so sorry, Laura. The girl sounds very insecure, that sometimes manifests itself in a person trying to keep their partner/boyfriend to themselves, excluding others; they also exaggerate any slight they perceive to have received.

Try and see her on her own for a chat if you can, just be friendly. If you are having an informal hen do, invite her to that and make a fuss of her. I know she is the one in the 'wrong' here but you are all, presumably, fairly young and it can be turned around.

She sounds difficult and I imagine your in-laws have twigged that this is the case and hope you will be the bigger person so they’re not put in the position of having to take sides.

Some people can’t just integrate and be a part of a group or family, rather they are driven to usurp. They need to beat someone and win their ‘place’ to feel validated. She feels threatened by you and the competition is on. The silly bitch.

My advice...for your own dignity, be that bigger, better person. Not because the in-laws expect it and not because it will be more convenient for your dh and his brother for you to toe the line...but because her childish, jealous, trouble-making is so far beneath you, you haven’t got time to notice.
She can’t have a competition without an opponent. Stay polite, ignore her pathetic silences and keep any interaction polite and friendly...no one could ever accuse you of joining in or tit for tat. Let her create on her own.
You can’t change what she does only how you you perceive and respond to it.
Good luck xx

I wouldn’t bother trying to arrange a chat. You don’t need to fake a relationship or friendship with this woman or acknowledge her shit. She is being a cunt to you and you’re in no way obliged to pander to her.
Just refuse to play the game.
Be nice, rise above. It will soon be abundantly clear who the fly in the ointment is.