My fiancees brothers new girlfriend hates me!

[LauraDowell85]

I have been with my fiancée for 7 years now and we are recently engaged. I was loved and accepted by his family from the very beginning and they’ve always said I was like a daughter to them. I moved away from my family (300 miles) to Brighton where he is from and everything has been lovely we’ve been on holiday together and just generally all got on like a house on fire.
Until recently.... fiancées older brother (who’s never had a gf) started seeing this girl about a year ago. From the very get go she seemed shy and didn’t really speak much the few times we saw her but I just put that down to everyone being different. I made so much effort with her to include her in things but she never was interested. Things moved very fast in that she moved into his after 4 months of them being together and was even saying to me she was desperate for them to get engaged.... I saw her out once and was rushing to a meeting so didn’t have time to stop and chat but ever since then she hasn’t spoken to me and said I ignored her?! It’s caused a huge rift between my OH and his brother and the extended family (she even completely ignored me at a family meal recently). We don’t do things together anymore because the tension is so much. However I’m being expected to ‘be the bigger person’ and continue making the effort according to his mum and dad?! I really don’t want her at the wedding as she will sit with a face on her all day or cause a scene but none of this was my fault and I’m sick of everyone pretending like nothings happened. What can I do? I don’t want him and his brother falling out but she shouldn’t be behaving like this for no reason it’s so childish she’s 31 years old!!!! It just would be nice for someone to say to her you can’t be like this - I’ve carried on trying for the rest of the family but when is enough enough? I know if I stop it’ll get turned round on me and I’ll be the bad guy as I know she literally doesn’t care - why would she nobody has said anything to her?!. This is eating me up please help :(

'You are getting drawn into something nasty and the brothers and parents are taking ringside seats to watch the dog fight.'

Quite

Do not indulge it any longer

My DSIL and I really don’t get on. There’s nothing much wrong with her or me, but we’re very different people and neither of us are naturally sociable and warm - we’re both quite introverted in our different ways. I just rub her up the wrong way. When DB started dating her I got a bit grumpy (never to his or her faces) because she didn’t seem to fit in with our social group and I didn’t think she and DB were a good match (due to flaws on both sides).

But actually we’re both adults, so that’s how we behave. Once it became clear that their relationship was permanent then I abandoned unproductive thoughts about whether they were a good match for each other. We’re polite but distant. We’ll never have girly evenings out together but that’s fine. My DF never particularly got on with my DM’s DSis’s DH either but over the course of forty years of marriage it’s no big deal. If this girl is cool with you (and it sounds like that’s all it is unless I’ve missed a post) then just treat her like someone you’d have to deal with professionally. If you have to sit next to her then talk about the weather. You may be stuck with her for decades so just play the long game.

It’s clear she’s jealous of you . In the early stages she confided she was desperate to be engaged which is a worry in itself - she sounds totally insecure - no problem with that but now her aggression is showing . She is now full of resentment that she DID confide and obviously far from being a shy little creature she’s a monster .
I’d concentrate on the upcoming wedding and what your fiancée has summed up about her . Be guided by him on this . Don’t fan the flames - what have you told your friends and family about her to cause hatred as you describe it ? You are giving her too much power to affect your life . If she has to sit at top table to keep the peace I’d suggest doing it . Don’t add fuel to her fire as in future it’s you that will be burned . In time she will show her absolute true colours. Revenge is a dish definitely eaten cold .

Such a drama just ignore her. Invite her to the wedding if she doesn’t want to come she can stay away.
Not all family members are best friends.
In the words of Elsa let it go.

And drop the bitching about her to your OH, family and friends - it does not make you look attractive, balanced or right. Sounds a bit obsessive and 15 year old antics yourself.

Clear your mind of this toxic person and don’t engage - don’t let her pollute your relationship with your OH and his family and preoccupy your wedding.

Not sure what she has done wrong - not apologised for something (what was that? She doesn’t have to, you need to accept that) maybe her ignoring you was her way of telling you to back off (you need to accept that). She said she doesn’t like you - is that what she has to apologise for? You asked - she answered honestly - is that not enough.
You sound like a dog with a bone. Leave her alone - that’s what she wants - she doesn’t want a relationship with you - respect that and stop hounding her and trying to get OH, his family and your family and friends to round on her. You’re IL will judge you for this. Drop it - be dignified.

Somebody who had behaved like this to me wouldn't be getting invited to my wedding. Not a chance!

It really isn’t an option to not invite her to the wedding - that would be a shocking grenade to throw between two brothers and their parents - I predict that if you did this you wouldn’t be invited to the wedding!!!

Need to realise that she is here for the looooooong term - these types dig in and cling on for dear life. The only way she will disappear out of your lives is if the BIL has enough of her - but currently you are providing all of the distraction and ammunition for him to protect her from you. This will keep her there for longer. If you back well away he will be able to see her for what she is in time (or not if it suits him).

OP your behaviour (both of you) will be causing pain to your family. It seems to me the 2 of you genuinely don’t like each other. That’s fine. Not everyone gets on. Stop bitching about her. How is that going to help?? Just find a way to be civil.
I also suspect there is an element of jealousy here from you. She’s suddenly joined the family where you were the DIL.
There are people in my family I don’t like but I don’t bitch about them or ignore them because it would hurt others. Just be polite. She can’t ignore you forever.

I have a feeling this woman will opt out of coming to your wedding, Laura, she'll make some excuse, be ill maybe. No loss!

I've been re-reading the previous posts and have read the most recent, she does sound really weird. Maybe the relationship with your brother in law won't last, who knows.

Definitely give up on the idea of expecting an apology.

She dislikes you for whatever reason (pipped her to the post in getting engaged maybe?) and won't tell you those reason(s). As a result you, understandably, don't like her.

You should be capable of being in each others' company on family occasions and not show animosity towards each other. (I know that is easy to say but will be awkward to do in reality).

I think the problem is really caused by your fiance's parents and brother in that they feel awkward because they know of the situation and then they behave differently.

You need to stop discussing any issues with them, other than to say that, although you don't get on, you will behave civilly and kindly towards future BIL's gf. You need to be the bigger person - 'kill her with kindness'. It is hard to be nasty to someone if they are genuinely being nice to you.

I'd suggest OH has one last chat to his brother saying you are going to be polite and friendly towards his gf and expect the same from her in order to move forward. Say that you wish to move forward and get on as well as you can. Also OH needs to find out where his DB wishes to sit at the wedding, if he is already aware that the plan is for him to sit at the top table. There is no way I would ever have the gf at the top table, feeling as you do about each other.

Perhaps pitch, as nicely as possible, the suggestion that, as he is not the Best Man, he sits at a table for guests with his gf so that she can enjoy his company. Give a deadline of a few days for him to come back to you about this.

It may be that gf does not want to come - which would actually be a bonus for you (don't say that to him). If she doesn't want to come then just express polite regret and say you'll contact the venue to reduce the numbers downwards. Hopefully that will ensure she does not change her mind.

Whatever you do, try not to act gleeful as presumably you want future BIL to be there for your OH.

Focus on all the positives in your life and don't let the negativity drag you down. Have a fabulous wedding day and a very happy life together.

Thing is I think that there's been too much time she's avoided things. Every family occasion she declines and yes it shouldn't bother me but I feel like if we just got it over and done with then this would (maybe) all be over. Nobody seems to bat an eyelid that she doesn't turn up either but again I think this is tactical to make others think I've made it clear to her that she's not welcome/I don't want her there. Can't win! MIL birthday tonight and me and OH haven't been invited so they can spend time with her and BIL. CRAZY.

Why wouldn’t that be a good outcome? You don’t like her / she doesn’t like you - why force it and create horrible atmosphere for all of the others?
If she hasn’t turned up to lots of family events - why can’t you allow her some one on one time with the ILs without the seething contempt?

Be gracious. Be happy that she is building bridges and wait your turn.

"Every family occasion she declines"
You need to try harder to ignore this. If you go along to the occasions and your future ILs enjoy your company then they will soon forget the problems you and this woman have.

"Nobody seems to bat an eyelid that she doesn't turn up either but again I think this is tactical to make others think I've made it clear to her that she's not welcome/I don't want her there."
It is probably just that she or your future BIL has told them in advance that she won't be there. Stop imagining what has happened. Why would your future ILs think you have made it clear to her that she is unwelcome? As they know you have a problem with each other I'm pretty sure they won't expect you to contact her at all

"MIL birthday tonight and me and OH haven't been invited so they can spend time with her and BIL.
You and the woman have made things very awkward for your future ILs. They are trying to make it easier for you both but should really invite all of you and not concern themselves with your relationship.

When are you going to future MIL's? Did she not let you know earlier so you could at least post her card to her so she gets it in time??

If I was the MIL I would just be scheduling time with my two sons!

MIL birthday tonight and me and OH haven't been invited so they can spend time with her and BIL
So you're being excluded because the gf doesn't want to be in the same place with you & the PILs are quite happy to do it. Do a complete reassessment of what's going on & the colours people are now showing you. As I said up thread you're seeing family dynamics now that you simply never knew existed because there hadn't been occasions for them to come up. We see it all the time on MN - how ppl got on great for years but now all of a sudden it's all changed because of x.
It really doesn't matter now how civil/polite/nice you intend to be to her because she doesn't intend to be around you at all & the solution your DP's family has come up with is to exclude you. They seem to expect you & DP to just suck it up. You need to decide if that's what you want to do.

EileenAnna to be honest I think you've hit the nail on the head!

No way would someone who actively and openly disliked me be invited to my wedding. Not a chance.

Your PIL shouldn't be facilitating this either. Its her choice not to attend because you are there, they should invite you all and tough shit if she doesn't turn up. She needs to grow up and the reason she's getting away with it is because everyone is pandering to her needs at the excusion of you.

So what was the interaction between you and her after you first knew there was an issue?

This is appalling OP, she's actually openly telling you She does not like you, and what ? your OH's entire family are just expecting you to suck it up and smile.. FUCK THAT.. you do not invite this vermin to the happiest biggest day of your life and I would exclude anyone that made you try tot change your mind, this is fucking AWFUL.

WHY THE FUCK should you bend over and be shafted at your own wedding by a bitch that is telling you to your face that she does not like you.. Grow a pair of balls OP.

Forget her.. and sort your wedding without BIL and Her.

Agree with @EileenAlanna.
It sounds like everyone is enabling her behaviour. It's always the more "decent" one who is asked to compromise.
Your future in-laws seem to be throwing you under a bus - it was very wrong not to invite you to her birthday celebrations, however low key they were.
I'm sorry OP - I can imagine how hurt you are.

I’ve changed my mind after your updates. Don’t invite the bitch.

If she can’t even be at your MIL’s birthday with you then why should she feel the need to attend your wedding.

Nope, no invite.

“My friends and family all hate her”.
Have they ever met the new girlfriend or are they basing their views on what you have said.
To be honest, you sound rather childish and a bit bridezilla.

Apologise for ignoring her, explain you were late for a meeting, preferably in front of your pils, and then forget the animosity.

Sit the brother and his girlfriend together since she won’t know anyone else.

And stop expecting people to take sides.

This is exactly what I've said. Just for way of update - OH spoke to bil yesterday and he said that that if we're too be civil then she just needs to move on because we're going to see each other again no matter how much nobody really wants to it's just life. But apparently 'she's not ready' and she 'needs time'. I don't understand why she's trying to play the victim and carrying on like I've done her some massive injustice - I've never met anyone this manipulative in my life!!!

KatherineJaneway - we all agreed via phone call that we'd move on and forget it because we'd need to see each other again. Then the next time she saw me she completely ignored me no eye contact no interaction nothing. This is why I'm worried about the wedding because despite her saying she wouldn't create I just don't trust her. My biggest frustration is that she is playing the victim - going on like I've done her some massive injustice.

I think since you have tried numerous times and she doesn't want to make up then take a huge step back, concentrate on your partner, your family and friends and forget about her. You cant change her only your reaction to her and it sounds like it causing you and your partner alot of stress at what should be a happy time. Take her power away and if you do see her just treat her like a work colleague you dont like. They may be loving the drama of all the phone calls and fuss around them. I would say to your partner you have tried , for your own mental health tou need to take a step back and then both stop contacting them and leave them to it. If your partners family mention it I'd just say we have tried numerous times they have made it perfectly clear they dont want to make up and I would prefer more to discuss it again.