My fiancees brothers new girlfriend hates me!

[LauraDowell85]

I have been with my fiancée for 7 years now and we are recently engaged. I was loved and accepted by his family from the very beginning and they’ve always said I was like a daughter to them. I moved away from my family (300 miles) to Brighton where he is from and everything has been lovely we’ve been on holiday together and just generally all got on like a house on fire.
Until recently.... fiancées older brother (who’s never had a gf) started seeing this girl about a year ago. From the very get go she seemed shy and didn’t really speak much the few times we saw her but I just put that down to everyone being different. I made so much effort with her to include her in things but she never was interested. Things moved very fast in that she moved into his after 4 months of them being together and was even saying to me she was desperate for them to get engaged.... I saw her out once and was rushing to a meeting so didn’t have time to stop and chat but ever since then she hasn’t spoken to me and said I ignored her?! It’s caused a huge rift between my OH and his brother and the extended family (she even completely ignored me at a family meal recently). We don’t do things together anymore because the tension is so much. However I’m being expected to ‘be the bigger person’ and continue making the effort according to his mum and dad?! I really don’t want her at the wedding as she will sit with a face on her all day or cause a scene but none of this was my fault and I’m sick of everyone pretending like nothings happened. What can I do? I don’t want him and his brother falling out but she shouldn’t be behaving like this for no reason it’s so childish she’s 31 years old!!!! It just would be nice for someone to say to her you can’t be like this - I’ve carried on trying for the rest of the family but when is enough enough? I know if I stop it’ll get turned round on me and I’ll be the bad guy as I know she literally doesn’t care - why would she nobody has said anything to her?!. This is eating me up please help :(

IHad this with my ex H SIL. She hated me from the off and completely ignored me in all family situations, even if I spoke directly to her. My approach was to smother her with kindness (especially in front of others), address comments and conversation to her in a normal way and make her look like a total twat. Eventually one of the aunties snapped, shouted at her and told her to stop being rude and to grow up. It was all fine after that.

Bizarrely before I even met exH, SIL had been dating my exH, until one day coming home and saying 'I'm breaking it off with you because I started seeing your brother'. . So she was his exH exGF and seemed jealous of me, even though she'd binned him She was a piece of work as she ended up marrying exH brother, having 2 kids, getting him to do alll the DIY on the house (big renovation), then just as it was done turning up one day with his best friend (they'd been shagging for a while) and asking exBIL to leave. So ex Bil ended up paying for his (now ex) best mate to live in the renovated house with his children and to pay all the bills too. Ex bil back at home in his childhood bedroom. My lovely ex FIL joked that it was lucky for the family,and somewhat surprising, that she hadn't made a move on him next
Oh and after i separated from exH, bil came over with DNs for a weekend (I wanted to keep a relationship with the kids) and proceeded to make a pass at me. Ffs. Crazy, crazy people. I'm well out of it.

Why do your family and friends all dislike her? Have you been badmouthing her to them?

Just go and see her. Say "I'm not sure what's caused this tension between us and it's not fair on the rest of the family, so I'm sorry if I've done anything to offend you. Let's make an effort to be friends, as we are family now." Simple.

He might split with her, you don’t know what’s around the corner so seriously don’t give her a spot on main table and put her on photos.

^This. Whatever you do don’t put her on the top table

You both sound childish to be honest. You seem annoyed that she's come into the family and think your golden girl status is at risk so you're badmouthing her. I think she's picked up on your feelings as you clearly don't like her.

Onanothertrain - not at all. Why would I try to make an effort with her in the first place if this was the case. I invited her to things with my friends and one and one and she wasn't interested from the get go. Fail to see how I'm being childish I could think of a million things I could've done that yes would've made me childish. All I've said is I'm becoming increasingly impatient with trying to build bridges and being knocked back.

My family and friends know what's going on because this has caused me so much stress. Not only for me but my OH feeling like he's losing his brother

Thewheelsarefallingoff - I acknowledged her when I saw her. She could see I was in a rush I said hello are you alright with a smile as I passed her but regardless, a little childish to create all of this over that. If she had a problem with my reaction or thought there was one, she should've picked up the phone like an adult.

I suspect there are two sides to this tale!

Sure there are two sides, but I've asked her what her problem is and she's said she just doesn't like me? What can I do with that?

What’s the BiL like? What’s the dynamic like with his brother and his parents?

That’s the real big picture here - they are ALL colluding to scapegoat YOU. Are they all conflict averse? Is the BIL tricky?

I would be “bright receptionist style” in front of everyone. I would be reducing every opportunity for contact with her - I would be doing less of the large family gatherings - and I would see the PIL less and just with your OH.

It's frustrating because I know that if I'd have done this I'd have been strung up and his mum and dad really fallen out with me

Why do you think that - are they quite confrontational usually?

Your last post says that you asked her what her issue was and she said she doesn’t like you - but throughout the thread you have given the impression that you have not discussed it and she has always ignored it - which is it?

I’d make a point of publicly (during a family dinner) inviting her to clear the air.

“SIL, I would love to clear the air with you and get things back on track. Would you like to come and have a coffee with me in the garden after dinner.”

That way you have given Reconnecting with her a chance infront of PIL so they cannot blame you if she flat out says no or blanks you completely.

As for the wedding. I’d put a note in the invite that if she truly wants to help you celebrate your wedding and supports your union that she is most welcome at the wedding (and not to come if she doesn’t).

Expecting the other party to make the first conciliatory move and apologise seems unlikely to happen in this case as both of you have dug your heels in. Holding onto to grudges is never the solution. All that happens is that you both manipulate other people into taking sides and the battle lines are drawn and you have been trying to manipulate his family to take your side.

You obviously feel that it's a win/lose situation but it doesn't have to be like that. Be the bigger person and choose to step out of the hole that you've dug for yourself.

YOU have to actively choose to end this.

Accept her the way she is regardless and start talking to her kindly every time you see her.
Be genuine not fake.
Leave out the manipulation.
Stop trying to get others involved in the feud so don't discuss her negatively with your friends and especially your close family.

Look around you, people kill each other and go to war because they hold onto grudges and haven't learnt how to compromise and accept differences of opinion and are so focussed on winning their pointless argument that they miss the bigger picture.

You will be unhappy at your wedding if this is what you choose to focus on.

You can decide today that your wedding will be wonderful regardless of what other people may or may not do. If she sits looking miserable, that's her problem. You need to actively focus on the other 99% of your guests who are happy to be there.

I would carry on being nice , friendly and chatty regardless of how she behaves. Eventually it will show through and somebody will say something to her as pp have said.

As for your wedding, surely one person will not ruin your wonderful day, don’t give her head space. I would sit her with family as you would if there was not an issue so she hasn’t got any ammunition to use against you. Sit her with either family depending on how you are arranging the tables and she had a choice of joining in or sitting looking grumpy which everyone will notice.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer...

She is 100% a trouble maker. She has a plan and you are being used in a way to progress her plan.

Stay WELL BACK. This is the start of things she will do to the family and it will be years before you will all realise what damage she has done.

Do not get involved with any of this. Just continue your life and look confused if anyone asks what happened, do not get into any of it, and move on. Do things with his parents separately.

Your poor BIL. If he stays with her, his life will be a nightmare from now on.

Innish - sorry if I haven't given enough context it was just way too long! My OH tried to sort it by calling his brother to discuss say we need to move on wedding coming up etc etc. She then came on the phone having a go at my OH of which I then took the phone and said 'come on this is ridiculous what it your problem we're all going to be in each other's lives etc etc' of which she then said she just doesn't like me. At the end of the call we all agreed that we need to move on and forget it. Only for then 4 days later at the above family mean she completely blanked me and didn't give me eye contact or acknowledge me all evening. I was in a false sense of security and this is what makes it hard. Even if she said yes it's all forgotten we've had this discussion to many times where in company she's said it's done and then does something else to carry it on. It's messing with my mind a little.

As pps have said invite her to the wedding, but seat BIL with her so she's not alone. Have the wedding party only at the top table. Treat your family the same. If they kick off then you can show you're applying the same rules to everyone.

As for the other stuff, just rinse and repeat. You've tried, you can't do right for doing wrong and you can't do anything else other than be civil when you see her.

I'd love to hear the other side to this story

I do wonder what her side would be.

But if she'd tell me her side then I'd be more able to try and put it right. Whatever her problem is how can I try to fix it if she's not giving me any details other than 'I just don't like you' what am I supposed to do with that?

Struggling to see as why there needs to be some other sneaky thing I've done in the background. This is making my home life very difficult why would I create this problem for myself?

@Zeldasmagicwand has it.

You've dug your heels in and now this is causing huge problems for everyone. It doesn't matter how right or justified you are, your OH and your in-laws are in a horrible situation. Stop getting your OH to be the go between, draw a line under it all, however unfair it seems, and act like the gf is your best friend (especially in the rest of the family's presence). You'll look like the better person, and she'll just show herself up if she continues to behave as she is.

You're not going to get an apology, so get that out off your head.
Be kind to your in-laws and yes, be the better person. In the end you'll feel better for it.

Then if she 'doesn't like you' and is quite open about that there is no way she will be coming to your wedding surely?

I certainly wouldn't be inviting someone who so loudly 'doesn't like' me.

I'd be making sure my 'fiancé' sorted this out and told his family verbatim what had been said to you that he witnessed.

I'd be actioning ASAP too as it's causing you way to much stress.

Also don't get why you've been hanging on for an 'apology'

You clearly won't be getting one.

I would be really careful here - it sounds like there too much has gone on to row back from. You are getting drawn into something nasty and the brothers and parents are taking ringside seats to watch the dog fight.

She is not going to engage. That is her prerogative. You need to accept this and drop the rope. You are giving her behaviour too much power and this will backfire on you directly.

You need to make her irrelevant in your mind and back well away. Ignore her as well - v minimal direct contact. She sounds shy and insecure (and a bitch) and you sound confident, outgoing and happy - so she is intimidated by you. Leave her be - she is not going to behave as you would wish. Don’t provide the soap opera.