My fiancees brothers new girlfriend hates me!

[LauraDowell85]

I have been with my fiancée for 7 years now and we are recently engaged. I was loved and accepted by his family from the very beginning and they’ve always said I was like a daughter to them. I moved away from my family (300 miles) to Brighton where he is from and everything has been lovely we’ve been on holiday together and just generally all got on like a house on fire.
Until recently.... fiancées older brother (who’s never had a gf) started seeing this girl about a year ago. From the very get go she seemed shy and didn’t really speak much the few times we saw her but I just put that down to everyone being different. I made so much effort with her to include her in things but she never was interested. Things moved very fast in that she moved into his after 4 months of them being together and was even saying to me she was desperate for them to get engaged.... I saw her out once and was rushing to a meeting so didn’t have time to stop and chat but ever since then she hasn’t spoken to me and said I ignored her?! It’s caused a huge rift between my OH and his brother and the extended family (she even completely ignored me at a family meal recently). We don’t do things together anymore because the tension is so much. However I’m being expected to ‘be the bigger person’ and continue making the effort according to his mum and dad?! I really don’t want her at the wedding as she will sit with a face on her all day or cause a scene but none of this was my fault and I’m sick of everyone pretending like nothings happened. What can I do? I don’t want him and his brother falling out but she shouldn’t be behaving like this for no reason it’s so childish she’s 31 years old!!!! It just would be nice for someone to say to her you can’t be like this - I’ve carried on trying for the rest of the family but when is enough enough? I know if I stop it’ll get turned round on me and I’ll be the bad guy as I know she literally doesn’t care - why would she nobody has said anything to her?!. This is eating me up please help :(

Op, is something missing here, you describe this woman as some form of irrational nutter, paint yourself as the reasonable one, say your in-laws loved you from day one.

And yet they are taking her side.

So something is wrong with the picture your painting.

I expect the in laws facilitate her because they are aware of how she is and and are frightened they might lose the other son , and see you as the sensible pair.

This hits the nail on the head.

Its not fair, but I understand their fear.

OP you can either by the one on the right or you can be happy. I dint get the impression the situations is is making you happy.

If you cant clear the air, you can just shut her down. Just treat her like you barely know her.

You would invite your bils girlfriend that you barely knew to your wedding. You would also, more than likely, sit your bil with her.

I'm not trying to paint myself in any picturesque way. This is causing me a lot of stress and in fact if there was something I'd done it would be easier to address - I would quite happily hold my hands up and say 'yes I know I didn't this and that's why your mad' but when your clueless it sends you stir crazy. As previously posted, 'I just don't like you' is the only reason I have and is difficult to work with. When OH has raised it, pil say they just want bil to be happy and that she is his choice.

I would be seriously reconsidering marrying into this fucked up family OP. Seriously... they sound utterly unstable.

What is your DP’s relationship like with his brother? Do they catch up or do things together. I’d be worried if his new girlfriend is driving a wedge between you that your partner may also suffer.

I then don't know where to put her because all my family and friends hate her and know what she's like. She just makes everyone she's around feel uncomfortable because she acts above everyone

So the truth is you hate her. You think she acts 'above everyone'. All your family and friends hate her as well. Everyone hates her and 'knows what she is like' according to you.

There is NO mystery as to why she doesn't like you. Stop painting yourself as a poor, misunderstood nicey trying-to-be-friends peacemaker.

I wouldn't like you at all and I also wouldn't fucking speak to you ever again if this was your attitude to me.

Haffiana - I don't think I've ever tried to disguise the fact I don't like her. SINCE all this has happened. And yeah of course my family dislike her. I confide in my parents and my siblings in this difficult situation - am I supposed to bottle it all up and speak to nobody? as in my previous posts I've done more than enough to try and rectify the situation and it's only human that I get frustrated. As I've said in other posts I'm Not trying to act above everything or play the victim at all, as others have pointed out this is a very unusual and difficult situation.

It seems the ILs have picked her over you (Despite the 7 years vs 1 year relationships) given that she was invited to the birthday meal and not you.

Your DF seems to be on the same page as you. That will help as there would be no way on this planet BIL's GF would be invited to my wedding. If 'she needs time' to forgive you for not properly saying hello, then clearly she is BSC. Why is anyone (including yours ILs) entertaining this nonsense? If they really thought of you as a daughter, she would have been the first to go.

Reality check time, I'm afraid.

Your DH needs to be telling his parents how hurt he is and how ridiculous they are being excluding you both because she doesn't like you. She isn't a victim, she hasn't been wronged by you she just doesn't particularly like you. There is nothing wrong with that - I don't particularly like one of my sil but we get on and i make an effort to socialise with her when we see each other for my db and dn's sake. We wouldn't be friends if we weren't family though.

I'm not sure about the wedding. If you genuinely thought she would make a scene then don't invite her but if it's just a case of her keeping away from you then i think you would cause more problems excluding her than you would solve. What is your policy on plus 1's? Some people follow the rule the ring no bring? But you would have to be consistent with that. Personally i think most guests should have a plus one so wouldn't follow that idea myself - but then there os nothing to stop them getting engaged before your wedding to get around this!

Wow what a drama! I was in the "rise above it" and "kill her with kindness camp" until I read that your MIL has invited them to her birthday and excluded you from it! If I was you OP I'd be slowly backing away from my in laws and keeping it light and polite from now on. They've all shown you their true colours OP so don't bother engaging any further in this drama because you're gonna end up the bad guy who didn't make her feel welcome. Just step back and carry on with your wedding plans and remain polite.
As for inviting her well thats for you and DH to be to decide if it was my wedding she absolutely would not be invited after causing all this drama over the fact she doesn't like me and if in laws have issues about it then tough if she can't even smile and be civil to you now I certainly wouldn't want that atmosphere at the wedding. To be honest OP I think her problem is a bit of jealousy as she did say she was desperate to get engaged and maybe doesn't like that you beat her to it. Either way step back and let you in laws pander to her they'll soon see her colours when something isn't good enough, kicks off over it and they'll feel like complete twats (something similar happend to a friend of mine) for being taken in by her.