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Original poster

My fiancees brothers new girlfriend hates me!

112 replies

LauraDowell85 · 20/10/2019 22:46

I have been with my fiancée for 7 years now and we are recently engaged. I was loved and accepted by his family from the very beginning and they’ve always said I was like a daughter to them. I moved away from my family (300 miles) to Brighton where he is from and everything has been lovely we’ve been on holiday together and just generally all got on like a house on fire.
Until recently.... fiancées older brother (who’s never had a gf) started seeing this girl about a year ago. From the very get go she seemed shy and didn’t really speak much the few times we saw her but I just put that down to everyone being different. I made so much effort with her to include her in things but she never was interested. Things moved very fast in that she moved into his after 4 months of them being together and was even saying to me she was desperate for them to get engaged.... I saw her out once and was rushing to a meeting so didn’t have time to stop and chat but ever since then she hasn’t spoken to me and said I ignored her?! It’s caused a huge rift between my OH and his brother and the extended family (she even completely ignored me at a family meal recently). We don’t do things together anymore because the tension is so much. However I’m being expected to ‘be the bigger person’ and continue making the effort according to his mum and dad?! I really don’t want her at the wedding as she will sit with a face on her all day or cause a scene but none of this was my fault and I’m sick of everyone pretending like nothings happened. What can I do? I don’t want him and his brother falling out but she shouldn’t be behaving like this for no reason it’s so childish she’s 31 years old!!!! It just would be nice for someone to say to her you can’t be like this - I’ve carried on trying for the rest of the family but when is enough enough? I know if I stop it’ll get turned round on me and I’ll be the bad guy as I know she literally doesn’t care - why would she nobody has said anything to her?!. This is eating me up please help :(

OP posts:
StormBaby · 22/10/2019 06:55

You have to be ultra nice, invite her to everything, crucially it must be IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. This will show her up to be the arse she is. It's my modus operandi with people who hate me and it works, puts that fire right out

mrssoap · 22/10/2019 07:03

Not inviting her to your wedding will make things worse. I think you should be the bigger person, invite her, be polite whenever you see her, you don't necessarily have to make loads of effort.
She's being childish and I'd be annoyed too but I honestly think you will come out worse if you don't even invite her to your wedding or don't put her in the family tables ect that will exclude her even more!

Blondebakingmumma · 22/10/2019 07:17

I wonder if she would even attend your wedding if she is invited?

Mumofone1862 · 22/10/2019 07:29

Here's the thing, there are people like this in the world and sometimes they end up being family, which is just horrible but to live your best life you need to at least show the appearance of trying to sort this out.

I had similar issues with MIL, if you write a letter or text to your SIL and show it to PIL under the guise of having them check its okay- have it say you want her at the wedding you were busy that day and never meant to ignore her, you understand she is shy and unable to talk about it face to face but that she is family and you want to get past this and enjoy wedding together'.

As a narrcisist she won't be able to appear petty/ unreasonable so with a letter like that will have to forgive you. Then just fake it with her and keep low contact.

With my MIL although faking that I've forgotten all she did is hard it is better than not seeing a whole family becuase she took a dislike to me. Another piece of advice- never be alone with her, honestly after falling out and making up she will be looking for ways to fall out again as she needs attention (if she does have narrcisistic personality disorder).

Clangus00 · 22/10/2019 07:33

She’s turning everyone against you because she doesn’t like you. That much is obvious.
I loathe my sister-in-law, but I still invited her to our wedding (she didn’t get us a gift and left straight after the meal the witch), but I was the bigger person and asked her anyway.

PrincessRaven · 22/10/2019 07:34

my OH has told bil that all she needs to do is apologise

Sorry if I missed this, I did skim the thread, but what does she need to apologise for?

Robin2323 · 22/10/2019 07:44

Can't believe she just come out and said she didn't like you.
Is she 5?

Definitely take a step back now.

You've done nothing wrong.

Just let it go.

Her true colours will come out.

But some people like drama so don't even try to understand or appeal to them.

Bright and breezy and move on.

Congrats on your wedding.

Original poster
LauraDowell85 · 22/10/2019 07:45

PrincessRaven - for ignoring me at the meal and making it worse. We wanted to bury this months ago but we're all waiting for her to get over it. Just doesn't seem right like a kid

OP posts:
purplepalace · 22/10/2019 08:00

I think you're rising to the bait by allowing her to upset you so much, she's going to win if you allow her.

You need to act as if this doesn't bother you at all, be bright and breezy and friendly when you see her. Make conversation with her in front of PIL (let them witness her ignoring you outright) invite her to the wedding and hen do,be all smiles and sweetness to her.

By doing this you will remove all her power, show her that her sulking and manipulating will not change the fact that you are happy and settled in this family. Act as if you don't even notice it.

MarthasGinYard · 22/10/2019 08:38

Why do your friends and family 'all hate her'?

MarthasGinYard · 22/10/2019 08:40

Why are you hanging on for an apology?

Thatsnotmyflamingo · 22/10/2019 08:40

I would love to hear the other side of this story!

PrincessRaven · 22/10/2019 08:52

Well she probably thinks you're being childish for insisting on an apology? (Only going on what you have written) I know I would

Just rise above it, be bright and breezy as a pp suggested

saraclara · 22/10/2019 09:05

You're still determined to get an apology from her?
That's not moving on. That's continuing to dig your heels in.

Temeraire · 22/10/2019 09:53

Don’t insist on an apology for god’s sake. She’s done literally nothing - it would be madness to make her apologise for the absence of friendliness and conversation. Even if she did ignore you in a really blatant way it’s all about the context so you’ll sound obsessed and bitter if you don’t let it go. Honestly you need to move on.

StickAForkInMe15 · 22/10/2019 10:20

I think you both sound childish tbh! Her for the ignoring and you for making "friends and family hate her" hate?! Really?! And also you for the mention of "tactics" which you've totally made up.

It didn't sound like you liked her from the beginning anyway. I'd just carry on with your soon to be in laws as normal and stop talking about her as you're fueling the drama. I wouldn't invite her to the wedding but I wouldn't make a thing of it or mention it.

SellmeyourMLMcrap · 22/10/2019 10:42

It can't just be me that can't understand what is happening in this family?
OP you say we're all waiting for her to get over it
What is it that you are waiting for her to get over? That's what I'm really struggling with. I assume that your BIL knows exactly what the problem is if he's supporting her so why not ask him what the problem is?

If this is honestly all about you just not stopping for a long chat when you were in a rush then and she is stating this to everyone then surely they would all think she was mad? I just don't understand it at all.

If it is how it seems then I would 100% not be inviting ANY of the family to the wedding, I would also be asking my DP to support me and if it didn't happen then I'd understand my place in it all and move 300 miles back up North, seriously.

You've mentioned how stressed you've been, how all of your family know how hard it is etc so this is obviously a huge problem in your life and it won't ever change, the family are already siding with her despite no one seemingly knowing what you have done wrong.

If you are not your DPs number one priority and if he cannot deal with his family and protect you then what's the point?

Original poster
LauraDowell85 · 22/10/2019 16:03

Just drop the whole thing. It doesn't matter who did what to who she just will not let go of it says she needs more time

OP posts:
Aridane · 22/10/2019 16:20

Stop slagging her off to your family! You’re just enhancing the rift and creating an uninspiring spectator sport

MarthasGinYard · 22/10/2019 16:21

Hhhhhmmmmm

saraclara · 22/10/2019 16:25

To be fair, it sounds as though you're not letting go of it either.

Just see your in-laws as always done, behave with them as you've always done, and if you see SIL be absolutely charming and friendly to her. That presumably all that your in-laws need to see, and if she still behaved badly, it clearly won't be your fault.

But yes, stop bitching about her to other people. That keeps this thing alive.

WanderingAimlessly · 22/10/2019 16:32

Elope, then no one has to come to your wedding. No future SIL with her nasty behaviour, no spineless BIL, no side choosing PIL and none of your family & friends who are already geared up to hate this woman. That solves your wedding problem.

jessycake · 22/10/2019 16:36

I expect the in laws facilitate her because they are aware of how she is and and are frightened they might lose the other son , and see you as the sensible pair. The fact that the older brother had never had a girlfriend before makes me wonder if your in laws see him as slightly vulnerable.

GinandGingerBeer · 22/10/2019 16:36

Just drop the whole thing. It doesn't matter who did what to who she just will not let go of it says she needs more time

Eh? OP?

Chloemol · 22/10/2019 17:01

Ok so I would do the following

  1. Try and arrange to be at your in laws when they are there
  2. Ask her, in front of in laws and partner if you can have a word with her to clear the air, I would even consider just doing it in front of them, something like hi Jane, can I have a quick word to apologise as I have been told I upset you, I didn’t mean to I was just in a rush, and I’m sorry it’s upset you so much. I really want to move on from this for your sake and the families, will you accept my apology? You may have to do this through gritted tenth but it will look good in front of your in laws and leave her stuck in a corner

3 as regards the wedding just stick her on a dh friends table

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