Husband is using me

[LilyLou00]

I work full time and my husband is a SAHD. He gets an agreed £200 a month spending money (not including food and necessities, I pay for that). He always asks for more money and had an advance on all money until December plus an extra £100 for his birthday. I don't earn loads, I get about £2k a month take home. Yesterday he asked for more again and I said no, he asked again and I said no. We can't afford this. He spends his money on alcohol, treat food from the shop, cigarettes, and weed. (This is not a discussion about the moral standing of these things.) Now he has completely ignored me since I said no to more money, yesterday morning. I tried several times to ask him what the problem was and he has ignored me/given one word answers. Today (his birthday) he has continued to ignore me. Yesterday I decided to not engage any more until he did and it's still going on. I hate the silent treatment but I don't know where to go from here. Why should I keep asking him what's wrong when he has made it clear he doesn't want to talk and quite frankly why should I make an effort. It's clear he doesn't value me but only the money he gets. From this it's obvious he is just using me. I feel like such shit and wish I didn't care and he has ruined my weekend and his birthday for which we planned to go out for a meal but obviously that hasn't happened now.

The problem is I can't break up with him as I work shifts and no nursery covers the hours I work. My youngest is breastfed and I don't want them going to live with him anyway if he got a house somehow. I can't quit my job as the house is tied to it. I have no idea what to do. I was wondering from an outsider perspective am I in the wrong here, and any advice on how to handle this? Thanks so much for reading.

I'm sorry op but he sounds awful. He's definitely using you for money to fund his bad habits. He should not be drinking smoking or doing weed when he's supposed to be a stay at home dad? He doesn't sound responsible are you sure you want him around your children? I would leave him or kick him out. Sounds like he isn't contributing anything to your life.

@JustHereWithPopcorn I agree with you, for the record he didn't smoke or do drugs when we got together so this is another thing I didn't choose. (He did them previously.) I am just trapped as have no one to look after my children.

Is he a SAHD or unemployed?

You can say it’s not a moral debate but if he ran out of money based on necessities we could advise on a financial plan for you as a family, but as it is you are just enabling him.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers both technically. He is not employed but looks after our 3 and 1 year olds all day at home.

But does he look after them, take them out, engage with them, cook their meals etc?
I’m trying to work out if there’s any positive to him watching the kids whilst you work

So if he was the breadwinner and worked full-time, and you were the sahp, would you be happy with less than £50 a week, with strings attached?

@OnlyFoolsnMothers is it enabling? I think if I was to stop enabling the only thing that means is to stop giving him money isn't it? He isn't an alcoholic, he drinks a few cans once a week. Obviously I am not happy with the weed but who am I to control what he does. He doesn't do it when he is looking after the children. I still absolutely hate it. The reason I said I didn't want to debate the morals of that was because I know he isn't going to just do what I say if I asked him to stop. And I think not giving him any money would constitute financial abuse especially if the gender roles were reversed, I've seen many people call a SAHM who isn't given money by her husband a victim of financial abuse.

Alcohol, cigs, weed. You are supporting an addict. Are you sure he is fit to look after your children?

@cometothinkofit I probably would if I got all my food paid for, I don't spend that much on just myself! Also we agreed on this amount as it's all we can afford.

@justasking111 yes you are correct in saying that however is the answer to not give him any money at all? See my previous post, in my opinion that would be classed as financial abuse by many people and there would be outrage if someone posted here that they weren't given any money and were stuck at home with the kids.

Another thread where the man didn’t give his SAHM money was taking home 7k a month whilst she was selling goods to buy kids clothes-
That’s the difference.

Forget the alcohol and weed then, sit down and work where as a family your money is going and whether there is scope to cut back and give him more. If he refuses to do that he’s got things to hide!

It is not financial abuse if you refuse to fund an addiction. God supposing he gets drunk/stoned and falls asleep on your baby. It does happen!!!

So if he was the breadwinner and worked full-time, and you were the sahp, would you be happy with less than £50 a week, with strings attached?

^This. £50 a week for full time childcare is a bargain

@misspiggy19 have you read the actual amounts earned? I have to pay for all bills, food, fuel, shopping. It's the agreed amount we can afford. It's not paid childcare it's looking after your own children. Should I go into debt to fund his fun? He gets all his food and necessities paid for. The £200 is just for himself (and as I mentioned he has been getting more than this).

Can he not get a part time job around your hours?

Can you both look to work full time and pay for child care?

In the financial abuse cases one has a lot more free money to spend on THEMSELVES than the other

Here HE has more money to spend on himself than you do and does it on funding his addiction

You need to stop and say no - what would happen if you did. You cant give what yuo do not have

@beckyvardy no we agreed on this plan as I work hours which no nursery in the area will cover. It's also variable shift work, weekends, nights etc. It's not the childcare arrangement that's been a problem until I look into what I would do if we were to separate.

Could he work evenings in a pub or supermarket? That would give him his own source of income, and it might give him a reason to cut down on tge weed and booze.

@Quartz2208 yes you are right, I was saying that it would be described as financial abuse if I were to completely stop giving him any money as some have suggested. I have no idea what would happen in that situation. I don't want to give him a penny ever again to be honest but I feel uncomfortable with the being that controlling.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers yes I think you're right that we need to discuss the situation. Just the current silent treatment is making that difficult.

If he isnt happy with the amount he can have to spend on himself, what is his suggestion? You get paid a certain amount, and like you said have bills to pay,etc. You are working to a budget. Assuming you dont have a money tree at the end of the garden that you are keeping all to yourself, he needs to do something about it.

@funnylittlefloozie I work shifts which mean I get home late or do nights which isn't feasible with this kind of work (and no nursery will cover these hours).

@Chuffingchuff I think he believes I have a money tree and I am just an evil witch keeping all the millions to myself. That's how he acts.

He is a SAHD to enable your work. As the shifts are so variable and unpredictable he cannot find a job unless you quit yours and get something more reliable pattern wose. But you don't want to do that. He can't win either way, can he?
If the €200 is the agreed 'allowance', you cannot doctate what he spends it on.

Get all the bills and receipts for everything you’ve spent money on and work out how much you have spent on necessities. The work out how much is left to spend on yourselves for things like perfume, fancy shoes, booze, takeaways and add to any money that was left unspent at the end of the month. Take the total of this and divide by two. If it’s not enough to keep him happy with his half ask him what he suggests you cut back on to allow more spending money each. Perhaps Aldi’s instead of markies etc. Could help. Think you may have to stay with him if you can’t find childcare for your working hours though, which isn’t ideal. Perhaps time to think of a new job yourself that would give you a bit more independence and better hours to fit in with childcare, which you may wish to investigate costs of.