Husband is using me

[LilyLou00]

I work full time and my husband is a SAHD. He gets an agreed £200 a month spending money (not including food and necessities, I pay for that). He always asks for more money and had an advance on all money until December plus an extra £100 for his birthday. I don't earn loads, I get about £2k a month take home. Yesterday he asked for more again and I said no, he asked again and I said no. We can't afford this. He spends his money on alcohol, treat food from the shop, cigarettes, and weed. (This is not a discussion about the moral standing of these things.) Now he has completely ignored me since I said no to more money, yesterday morning. I tried several times to ask him what the problem was and he has ignored me/given one word answers. Today (his birthday) he has continued to ignore me. Yesterday I decided to not engage any more until he did and it's still going on. I hate the silent treatment but I don't know where to go from here. Why should I keep asking him what's wrong when he has made it clear he doesn't want to talk and quite frankly why should I make an effort. It's clear he doesn't value me but only the money he gets. From this it's obvious he is just using me. I feel like such shit and wish I didn't care and he has ruined my weekend and his birthday for which we planned to go out for a meal but obviously that hasn't happened now.

The problem is I can't break up with him as I work shifts and no nursery covers the hours I work. My youngest is breastfed and I don't want them going to live with him anyway if he got a house somehow. I can't quit my job as the house is tied to it. I have no idea what to do. I was wondering from an outsider perspective am I in the wrong here, and any advice on how to handle this? Thanks so much for reading.

Did he have a steady job before you fell pregnant?

200 out of 2000 is not a lot, and I don't see how he could have more money for himself than you do.

@Viviene interesting perspective seeing as I deliberately stated I didn't want to debate what he was spending money on in the OP. My issue is with him constantly asking for more money that we cannot afford and then treating me like shit when I am unable to give him this.

He needs you more than you need him. Cigarettes and treats have not suddenly gone up in price. Perhaps the frequency of weed ha
s gone up. The arrangement you had and agreed to is not working anymore. Maybe suggest he gets a full time job, like you, and you split childminder fees 50/50 and nursery fees 50/50.
You can't do anymore than you are, only he can change what he is unhappy with.

@CalmFizz yes he did have a job and left for his own reasons earlier this year. Our first child is 3 and went to nursery when he was at work. I cannot quit my job as the house is tied to it and I will be left with nowhere to live. I also don't want to leave my job and he is supportive of this. He would earn a lot less if he was the breadwinner. I If I had to leave him then my only option would be for the children to live with him (in a house he doesn't yet have) during the days I am at work.

Have you sat down and created a family budget together? Does he know how much goes on essential bills, things for the children etc. and how much is left?

"Being fair" would be giving him half of what's left after everything else is paid for (keeping the other half for yourself).

The answer could be

• sitting with him and looking at a budget together. Agreeing on how much money you can BOTH get and be totally transparent. Otherwise you come out as controlling.

• ensure he is working, paying for childcare and separate.

• change job/shift, get him back to work and separate.

@willowmelangell I've suggested he get a job but he says he will earn less than nursery fees for 2 children even with the free hours, and he is right. So that's his rationale. I'm not trying to come up with excuses I'm just explaining the reason for our arrangement. My issue is with his entitlement and disrespect for me.

@RedskyToNight no we haven't done it in that much detail but we worked out our outgoings. I spend less than what he gets on myself.

I think this issue is more about how to get him to stop sulking and start adulting. As in, have a proper conversation about finances without him flouncing off and giving you the silent treatment. You need to show him all the incomings/outgoings and as a PP said, agree together where you can cut back in order for him to be happier. Perhaps then he'll see that he's being unreasonable, and spending your shared money on weed isn't exactly fair, or part of any normal persons family budget.

Thank you all for your replies and advice. My situation is quite unusual by the sounds of it as I keep getting the same suggestions (which I am of course grateful for) but to reiterate I am unable to leave my job, nursery hours will not cover my shifts and he has more spending money on average than I spend per month on myself. I am partly venting as I have had no one to talk to today and just need to see if I am in the wrong here which some people clearly think I am.

@Gileadisreal yes you're right, I think the conversation will have to wait until he is willing to engage. I feel enraged with how I am having to wait for him to speak to me and it has to be on his terms. Maybe he is trying to gain control which he thinks I have.

Maybe it is time to show him that you don't have any more money. Show him your pay slips and the cost of your bills. Ask input from him on where are you supposed to get the extra money he is asking from.

Is he a good SAHD? Does he care for DC well/ to a level you are happy with?

Yes- Take the amount you make each month (£2000), then deduct your rent/mortgage, bills and living expenses. Whatever is left DH is entitled to 50% of. As you’ve said you wouldn’t be able to work without him and I’ve seen LOTS of SAHM’s on here being given EXACTLY this advice (that they work just as hard for their family and 50% of what their DH has belongs to them- or its financial abuse/controlling behaviour).
I don’t agree AT ALL with what you DH chooses to spend it on but in fairness of the threads I’ve read from SAHM’s what they choose to spend money on is rarely discussed. Snack food/cigs vs gel nails and hair cuts... I mean it’s all ‘personal’ items.

No- Then leave him! If your children aren’t adequately being cared for you HAVE to come up with a different plan!

I do think (and it happens a lot on here) you’re being given different advice because of the gender reversals

'No, after [outgoings/savings] we have x amount left per month, you get Y to spend on you, I get Z to spend on me. There is no more money so I can't give you any more money. Stop bloody asking'

You are not wrong or unreasonable.

He does sound a bit like a man child though - my DH does work but is not great financially and is happy for me to sort that (he’s not that interested in the details, which is prob not great really) but then will stick to the budget we have agreed for each other’s frivolous spends. He occasionally goes over a bit (as do I) or we have one off things come up where one or other of us needs more, but it’s discussed and agreed. There’s no childish tantrums, silent treatment etc... your DH is unreasonable here, both in terms of repeatedly going over budget and in his reaction to you denying him more.

In terms of amounts, you have what you have - sadly none of us have that money tree. You shouldn’t have less than him, it should be equal. Then if I were you I’d save what ever you don’t spend from your share. Not give it to your H to spend. Then if you did need / want something you could get it. He needs to learn that if he blows it, there is no more. So you do need to stop enabling him to go over by advancing him more money - he’ll never pay it back or catch up, because he doesn’t have to.

I agree in relation to what his “pocket money” (for want of a better term) is spent on. I view alcohol etc as a luxury so if my DH (or I) want more than the small amount we’ve agreed in the weekly shop, it comes out of our pocket money. It makes neither of us alcoholics to buy more. I think the comments on that issue are just daft (although I have to say I’d personally not be happy for him to spend it on drugs). I spend mine on what I like, as does he. That’s not particularly unreasonable.

Your comments on the relationship are concerning - is there any love there or are you just staying for the kids ?

If it’s just the kids, I’d start to prepare to leave as soon as you can (even if it is when they are older). Don’t be getting into debt or you’ll be forever trapped.

If there’s love, perhaps sit down and discuss the budget so he sees there’s no more money. Then tell him his reaction is unacceptable and unfortunately due to childcare commitments etc, you are stuck with it in the short term until the kids are older and he can work. I’d also be suggesting that he does something to keep himself attractive to employers - maybe some part time education, training etc he can work around the kids ? Might also keep him out of trouble....

Take the amount you make each month (£2000), then deduct your rent/mortgage, bills and living expenses. Whatever is left DH is entitled to 50% of - how would this work if it comes less than the £200 he's already getting, when posters have already said he should be entitled to much more to spend on himself?

I agree with others, had you come on and said "my dh brings home £2k per month, I am a sahm as his shifts mean the children can't go to nursery if I worked, plus anything I earned would be eaten up with nursery fees, he pays all bills and gives me £200 per month to spend on whatever I like but it isn't enough, I need more, he doesn't keep money for himself but I want him to give me more" you would have completely different replies.

Yes £200 per month is a pittance if that is a wage for childcare but it isn't in this case as your dh has no essential outgoings, after all his outgoings are paid he is still getting £50 per week to piss up a wall or whatever.

If your dh takes the children out for the day (soft play, lunches, whatever) does this come out of his allowance or do you give him extra for that?

I can only imagine these responses are from SAHMs with giant chips on their shoulders because they are absolutely bonkers.

Of course he is using you. He’s not a babysitter you have to pay for looking after your kids. They’re his.

He’s not exactly hard done by if he’s managing a weed habit and other nonsense.

You are not in the wrong as you are giving him more spending money than you get each month
How can this not be a discussion about fags and weed as they are v expensive habits and mood altering ? He left his job for reasons other than childcare ? So you were managing other arrangements before when he was working
He needs to see a precise budget so he clearly sees he can’t have more money , rather than you being tight

@DishingOutDone

This is the ‘fairest’ way to divide money between a WOHP and a SAHP. If that calculation comes to less than the £200 he is already receiving then he should take the cut and understand that he isn’t entitled to more than his working DW. If it comes to £150- he gets that! If it comes to £300- he gets that - simple as! His food/board and living expenses are also all being covered so he’s only entitled to a split of the profit.

However, I wouldn’t include savings that OP is choosing to Make or deductions for any personal pension ...etc. Savings are important, as is pension but they’re individual choice - DH May prefer extra junk food to savings, or want to pay into a private pension. Both of these should be his choice.

It’s the exact same advice I would give any SAHM in the same position.

@chergar I reimburse him for everything. Even if he goes to the shop in the evening to buy some snacks, if he gets me something I usually pay for it all. If he doesn't get me something I usually don't pay for it as it's his choice to buy junk food when we have plenty of food and snacks in the house. For those saying it's too little money please read what I've written. He has a car which I pay for the fuel, I pay for his phone bill, I pay for all his living expenses. He has this £200 for literally anything he wants.

Thank you @NormaBean for understanding my point that some others have slightly missed. Like I've said my issue is not with what he spends his money on but the constant demands for more and sulking when he doesn't get it. Making our lives miserable by having an atmosphere in the house and using his moods to control the relationship.

@Nofunkingworriesmate I've tried to show him my payslips and online bank statements but he doesn't want to see them. He just says oh I believe you as he can't be arsed to even think about it! He left his job for medical reasons which don't affect his day to day life, and he hated his job anyway. It was a relief for him to leave not a punishment.