Husband is using me

[LilyLou00]

I work full time and my husband is a SAHD. He gets an agreed £200 a month spending money (not including food and necessities, I pay for that). He always asks for more money and had an advance on all money until December plus an extra £100 for his birthday. I don't earn loads, I get about £2k a month take home. Yesterday he asked for more again and I said no, he asked again and I said no. We can't afford this. He spends his money on alcohol, treat food from the shop, cigarettes, and weed. (This is not a discussion about the moral standing of these things.) Now he has completely ignored me since I said no to more money, yesterday morning. I tried several times to ask him what the problem was and he has ignored me/given one word answers. Today (his birthday) he has continued to ignore me. Yesterday I decided to not engage any more until he did and it's still going on. I hate the silent treatment but I don't know where to go from here. Why should I keep asking him what's wrong when he has made it clear he doesn't want to talk and quite frankly why should I make an effort. It's clear he doesn't value me but only the money he gets. From this it's obvious he is just using me. I feel like such shit and wish I didn't care and he has ruined my weekend and his birthday for which we planned to go out for a meal but obviously that hasn't happened now.

The problem is I can't break up with him as I work shifts and no nursery covers the hours I work. My youngest is breastfed and I don't want them going to live with him anyway if he got a house somehow. I can't quit my job as the house is tied to it. I have no idea what to do. I was wondering from an outsider perspective am I in the wrong here, and any advice on how to handle this? Thanks so much for reading.

I think I would just humour him, focus on your career so that you have good earning power over the long term and then you can drop him eventually?

@Startingoveragain1 I've not read that thread but it does sound slightly different.. wish I had 7 grand!

@RhinoskinhaveI that's an option, I try to just ignore it but when he makes me feel like this I wish there was a way I could just not care about him and just kick him out!

@lilylou00 exactly. I saw someone mentioning that thread in urs. They're completely different circumstances. You are right. Do you spend that much a month on u? Make up, clothes, wine? Whatever rocks ur boat. He is behaving like an entitled twat. I know child care is hard... but he doesnt need his money upped for lookin after his own kids. I wished i had that much to spend on myself a month.

@Startingoveragain1 haha, nah I'm not into make up or anything, not bought make up or perfume in years, my main spends are on sewing supplies as it's my hobby, kids clothes (usually second hand on Facebook), sometimes clothes for myself from eBay and occasionally a film on amazon or something. Not in the region or £50 a week. Never go out for dinner due to kids! Doesn't bother me as I enjoy walking and running. I also pay for his gym membership which he hardly ever uses.

Financial abuse is controlling what the other person spends their money on while you spend freely.

I dont think this is financial abuse because 1. You havent got any extra money 2. You have less 'spending money' than him and 3. It sounds like he is genuinely bad with money and if he did have full access to the accounts he would get you into debt. You cant give him more if you dont have it.

I would suggest to go through the accounts with him, show him there is no more money, and ask him why he thinks it's fair that he has more spending money than you.

You need to sit down together and work out your incomings and out goings. Any profit made at the end of the month should be split. It should be clear what the money is to cover. 2 cans a wk is not an addiction but I would address the weed issue. Talk to him you seem to be having a stand off with both of you refusing to make the first move.

However it's not that I am not prepared to deal with the issues in my marriage
Well I meant as you're not prepared to leave the ridiculous man child. I do understand why not

@GettingABitDesperateNow great advice thank you. I will take your points and use them to talk about it with him.

@june2007 I know it's incredibly childish us both ignoring each other but I tried a few times yesterday to talk even though I feel like I did nothing wrong to cause the "strop", so I feel like I'd rather see if he actually gives a shit or whether he goes along with whatever is easiest. It's ALWAYS me who makes the first move after an argument and I'm just sick of it. I'm sure it won't last forever.

I think he's behaving (as a PP said) like an entitled twat. And the silent treatment is just pathetic. To me that's more of the issue than the figures for the money (although I think you are NBU about the money about all).

I think the only unreasonable thing here is the sulking.

10% of a family budget for personal spends isnt meagre, but it isnt that generous either, (and with cigs at nearly £10 a pack, £50 wont go that far).

It does seem like you have a parent/child dynamic going on here If he wont listen to you, would her perhaps read an email? . Can you lay out your budget in an email and try to use that as a conversation starter about what you want to financially prioritise.

@Cailleachian I think what's generous and what's meagre depends on what you can afford. I'm not hoarding money, I am not able to save much and what I do is spent the next month. If you are - for example - mortgage free, have no kids, pay no direct debits etc, then yes £200 may be stingy and you'd probably have money left. However I am constantly worrying about money and I don't feel it's fair for him to keep asking for more despite knowing that I don't get as much for myself. I don't even care about having my own personal spending money I care about the shit atmosphere he brings with his behaviour.

I think the only unreasonable thing here is the sulking. 10% of a family budget for personal spends isnt meagre, but it isnt that generous either
But it entirely depends on the household costs. He shouldn't get more if it means bills not being paid or the kids going without
and with cigs at nearly £10 a pack, £50 wont go that far and op def shouldn't be expected to find money from thin air to find his expensive adddictions.

kids clothes (usually second hand on Facebook)
I notice you include kids clothes in the category of 'treats for yourself'
It sounds as if he has £50 pocket money but you have none, none of the family money goes on treats for you but he gets to indulge himself with fags, booze and weed!

If you sent him an e-mail/text setting it out in a non confrontational way would he respond?
If he's going to be like this long term then he's not a great life partner and so I would focus on investing in yourself and your earning power

the shit atmosphere he brings with his behaviour
and that's why he does it, it's a way to control you and keep you stressed, make it more difficult for you to cope with all the things you are juggling.
(One might call him a cocklodger but I doubt that he's much of a stud?)

50 quid a week for himself and he is looking after 3 kids under 4 ???

God help him.

@RhinoskinhaveI I guess I put kids clothes on there as I like to buy them fun bright clothes which they probably don't need but I really like on them. (Not expensive and I always sell on what they grow out of). I've started writing out something in my notes similar to my OP which I may send or may keep to myself trying to explain everything. I think I need to sit down and write out a proper outgoings list though as many have advised.

@RueCambon care to elaborate?

I guess what I'm saying is that £50 a week/10% of income as personal spends seems fair, but at the same time, its not really that much.

Say 3 packs of cigs, 2 cans of beer, £10 worth of weed and a fiver on sweeties. All of them luxuries.

But then that leaves £1800 remaining, which seems a lot just to run a household of four when two are very young. Obviously I dont know your outgoings and essential bills, but from a cursory glance, it seems like you have loadsamoney and I guess it feels that way to him too.

I'm guessing thats not the case and your rent is high, utilities bills are rising, inflation is kicking in at the supermarket, petrol is going up and a million other financial pressures that you feel as the main earner and you feel resentful that you have to fork out £200 pcm for someone else's luxuries as yours are being squeezed to keep a roof over your heads.

Thats why I;m suggesting taking a general look at financial priorities. Maybe he doesnt want the gym membership or the car, and he would trade that for an extra tenner a week, and it would save you £30 in petrol and fees.

He's behaving like a child, but I suspect that you are behaving a bit like a parent towards him.

£200 to ‘look after’ his own children?
I don’t think I’ve spent £200 on myself all year!
Get an au pair, chuck him out.

Alternatively he can get a work from home job- he needs to be creative as it wouldn’t be easy, but it’s the same reality for many other people (who don’t get £200 to spend on themselves each month).

And I don’t think £2000 take home is much, especially depending on where you live and if you are repaying student loans/debt of some kind.

You'd be lucky to get an au pair for £200 pcm. I paid mine £250pcm and that was nearly 20 years ago. An au pair would need their own room and would not do the kind of full time childcare that the OP requires, so she would still require a nursery place and only use the OP for the out of hours shifts. For two children you would be looking at around £1500pcm, although you would get some of the nursery fees back in tax credits.

The key question are whether you care for each other and want to stay together in the long term and are willing to pull together and compromise, or if the atmosphere is so difficult that its intolerable and you cannot change the dynamic so that you both feel like things are "fair".

This is why i left my x. He thought my sacrifice was worth this little too.

It seems like some people think he's an entitled twit and others think I'm not giving him enough. It doesn't matter if him or anyone else thinks it's enough as I can't pluck money out of thin air. I don't treat him like a child, I'm quite a laid back person and he does what he wants most of the time. He has a really sweet deal believe me. He's not interested in finances and doesn't care where it comes from tbh.