Husband is using me

[LilyLou00]

I work full time and my husband is a SAHD. He gets an agreed £200 a month spending money (not including food and necessities, I pay for that). He always asks for more money and had an advance on all money until December plus an extra £100 for his birthday. I don't earn loads, I get about £2k a month take home. Yesterday he asked for more again and I said no, he asked again and I said no. We can't afford this. He spends his money on alcohol, treat food from the shop, cigarettes, and weed. (This is not a discussion about the moral standing of these things.) Now he has completely ignored me since I said no to more money, yesterday morning. I tried several times to ask him what the problem was and he has ignored me/given one word answers. Today (his birthday) he has continued to ignore me. Yesterday I decided to not engage any more until he did and it's still going on. I hate the silent treatment but I don't know where to go from here. Why should I keep asking him what's wrong when he has made it clear he doesn't want to talk and quite frankly why should I make an effort. It's clear he doesn't value me but only the money he gets. From this it's obvious he is just using me. I feel like such shit and wish I didn't care and he has ruined my weekend and his birthday for which we planned to go out for a meal but obviously that hasn't happened now.

The problem is I can't break up with him as I work shifts and no nursery covers the hours I work. My youngest is breastfed and I don't want them going to live with him anyway if he got a house somehow. I can't quit my job as the house is tied to it. I have no idea what to do. I was wondering from an outsider perspective am I in the wrong here, and any advice on how to handle this? Thanks so much for reading.

But then you have the sweet deal of childcare on tap whenever you require it and general domestic support. The early years are expensive. Lots of couples end up extending their mortgages or taking out loans because nursery is so expensive, but they both want to maintain their careers.

If he went back to work, you would probably be looking at a couple of hundred pounds shortfall between his earnings and the cost of childcare, as well as the added hassle of drop-offs and sick days, and he would still be expected to do the "out of hours" shifts when you were working and he was not.

Overall, it seems like a pretty good arrangement you have for your children and for you both. But you are shouldering all responsibility for financial management. He needs to become more financially responsible, but that can only come if he is enabled to have it as at the moment you are just seeing his "pocket money" as another bill that you want to keep low, whereas he is seeing it as income that he wants to maximise. Thats what I mean by the parent/child dynamic.

I suppose you could reframe the situation in your head and start to consider him as a kind of live in nanny?
He might be a bit sulky and money might be pretty tight but if you can just keep your head down and put up with it for now you'll be able to earn a better salary in the future and that will give you the freedom to make your own choices.

@LilyLou00 OP I think it would help having an actual spreadsheet which includes all costs and expenditure, factoring mortgage, bills, food, clothes etc. Hopefully if your DP has an ounce of sense, he will realize that he’s getting a better end of the deal now but if you were both to review expenses, then that £200 might need to be reduced. Also, it might also make you more aware of where most of the money is going and if it somehow can be reduced.

It’s also worth having a spreadsheet as some posters on here are implying that you’re withholding money etc. So if you were both to split up and he turns around saying that you were financially abusive, you have the receipts, payslips as well as everything else documented to show that you’re giving him more than you spend on yourself.

I think those who are saying £200 is not a lot, aren’t realizing that OP pays for her DP’s food, clothes etc and also reimburses for any other expenses so the £200 is just spending money and it’s been topped up more. And that £200 is being spent on alcohol, cigarettes and weed. Quite frankly, if all my expenses were covered or reimbursed, £200 is a lot of money to spend on myself for whatever else I want.

For what it’s worth, I do think you need to have a more stable shift pattern so that your DP can also work. Again, it might appear as though he’s put his career on hold so that you can save on childcare costs. He can also perhaps look into working from home like online teaching for example. It won’t be a lot but it will be better than nothing. And at least it will be flexible so you won’t have to worry about childcare.

Do you have family/friends who can help with childcare? If he does go back to a 9-5 job, then perhaps they could step in and help and you can also return the favour as well?

He sounds vile. It’s not a question of whether 200 is a lot or not, it’s what there is in reality! If he would like there to be more money for BOTH of you to enjoy, then he’d better grow up and start talking about how that’s going to happen! I would have zero respect for someone who treated me like that.

Does your work pay for the home you live in? Are either of the types of work you and he have careers that have potential to pay more?

I had similar with my ex. I was Main earner he worked part time and looked after kids 3 days a week (both in school for last few years) (one of his working days was a weekend)

He had £500 left a month and all he had to cover from that was mobile bill ( and cigs / vape / alcohol that he wasn't meant to drink!)

Everything else came from my wages. House, after school clubs running 2 cars.

I didn't really spend anything on myself and got to point where I didn't have hair cut to save money while he frittered away most of his on crap.

We are now separated and he's still terrible with money - it's worse for him now as he doesn't have the joint account to dip into. Yes now it's all down to me but I feel like I have a lot more control over finances.

Take the money you are giving him to fund his addictions and hire a nanny/babysitter to take care of your children. Money may be tight but it won't be for long. In a few years they will be in school and there will be afterschool programs.
If you are worried about him getting custody, have your lawyer specify that he must take and pass regular drug tests.

I'm posting based on a skim read of this (apologies, I'm up with my baby after several wakes through the night).

A friend of mine had a similar arrangement with their first born. SAHD ended up feeling resentment and almost depressed for not working and having an allowance etc, it made him unhappy and inadequate. Is this the problem for your OH do you think?

The weed smoking won't help this from my experience as I've seen it as a depressant on my OH when he's on a downer. Does him zero favours. This does not excuse any silent treatment on you though nor any childish behaviour, you have enough to deal with on a daily basis without adding another child into the mix.

Again, skim read, just felt I had to post.

Op why don't u kick him out and look for a living in aupair? He could contribute towards the aupair and you will still be better off...

I have been a SAHM for a long time and I think you are being completely fair to your Dh, he has got it very cushy as he has everything paid for by you and still stamps his feet and wants more.

You need to sit him down and talk through finances. If he won't engage with that then stick to the £200 you agreed but I would look at alternative childcare arrangements to see what is possible for you. Post in the Childcare section of MN to see what other shift workers do. Your Dh is refusing to engage because he knows when it is all laid out in black and white there could be an argument for reducing his money!

People saying you have also got it cushy are right re the childcare ie parenting, but that doesn't mean you get to hand over all your money and none for yourself. You need to think about addressing that.

Every year Dh and I sit down and have a "meeting" about finances. As we use a credit card (points mean prizes) for everything we can it is easy for us to go through our statements and see where we spent money that year. The usual direct debits pay for the mortgage, utilities, insurance, dentist etc so those are fixed amounts. The rest is a discussion, you know, like grown ups. We have been happily married for 20 years.

Our circumstances have changed over the years, first both earning, then me part time due to Ds1, then SAHM and me not wanting to have to put my hand out for money for food shopping etc. Then Ds2, and then agreeing for me to be a SAHM for the foreseeable future. Always an ongoing discussion.

Sulking/silent treatment is considered to be one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse when it comes to relationships. There is a video on YouTube about it. Very worrying behaviour.

Can't he get a job that fits in with when the kids can go to nursery?

This is why i left my x. He thought my sacrifice was worth this little too
OP's partner left his job and was happy to do so as he was unhappy.
OP earns a finite amount of money. Say £800 on mortgage / rent. 400 on food and nappies. 300 on other bills. 150 on petrol / cars for them both. 100 on 2 x gym memberships. A bit left over for treats for the kids / OP and 200 for her husbands addictions.
He can go out and get a job but if the deficit between total family income and outgoings drops by 200 he's gonna find himself going cold turkey on his fun

I agree, the reason he says he's not interested in finances and he can't be bothered to discuss it is because he knows that if he did look at the figures and acknowledge the actual situation he wouldn't have a leg to stand on

Thank you for the latest responses, I've been out and about into town this morning with the kids. He is still in bed. Just going to get on with my day and start on the spreadsheet.

Are all the appropriate benefits being claimed?

Child Benefit for two kids is around £35pw, is he claiming that and is it included in the £50 per week? If you are claiming, it would be better to transfer the claim to him, as that will protect his NI contributions through Home Responsibilities allowance. I think you should also be able to claim some Universal Credit (although it might not be much and not worth the horrible hassle of it).

A couple of things do stick out

• you pay for his gym membership that he doesnt use, thats a saving right there.

• You run two cars and pay for his petrol - get rid of a car, or give him cash for petrol rather than paying for it?

• if you have food and snacks in the house, but he goes out for junk food then perhaps reduce the amount of snacks and make snack buying his domain.

• you sell on good quality clothes that the children have grown out of. Could he be in charge of ebaying the clothes, so that he had a semi-independent source of income.

I see lots of resentment around money and you both not valuing the other's contribution to the household. You also say that you cant break up with him, as you rely on him for childcare. Is money the only issue here, or are there other problems?

I agree that you definitely need to sit down and have a chat about finances. Book it in for one night after bedtime. He doesn't get to opt out. This is the sort of thing that grown ups in a relationship do. My dh and I do it pretty much every month as our incomes and outgoings are different month to month, so we talk about joint spending and make sure all money is where it needs to be and everyone has enough every month.

Yes, make a spreadsheet, or just jot down some notes with regular monthly bills and estimates of expenditures on food shopping, petrol, etc. You may also want to set aside a certain amount for his days out with the dc, food for them, etc. the little things he pays for that you reimburse him for. You may even want to put this into a separate account that he has access to - with a budget for the month (when it runs out, it runs out). Then deduct all of that from your take home pay. What is left here is what you each have to spend on yourselves each month. Divide by 2.

The reality is that everyone, working or not working, has to figure out how to budget their personal spending. I actually spend much more now that I'm back to work full time than I did at home with dc. I spend the most on just breakfast or lunch running from one place to another. When I was at home, it was easy to take the time to always pack food to take with us, so I didn't waste money buying things when we were out. If he wants to spend his money on beer, cigarettes, weed or whatever, then that's fine, if it is for you, but he needs to budget so that he doesn't run out. That's what we all do when we don't have trust funds. If he isn't able to do that, I wouldn't enable him by giving him more. He just has to wait until the next payday.

I have a friend who's a single mum HCP and when her DC was young she used a childminder who did overnights.

@Cailleachian I claim the child benefit, he is shit with money and would undoubtedly spend it all on himself if he claimed it. To say he is had with money is an understatement, he has had such debts and non payments in the past that he has been on special repayment plans and has conditions placed on his bank cards - no contactless, no pay at pump, low limits on withdrawals, credit score unable to be built up etc. He has an incredibly bad track record. It's boring but it provides a reason why I will not share an account with him. Anyway today he is being normal again and claims his mood was due to withdrawal from his drugs. Pathetic ...

Is the child benefit on top of your take home pay then?
My DP and I take home around 2.5k between us and we get child benefit and some child tax credits which amount to around £300 p/m together so possibly your DH could claim those benefits instead of you providing him an allowance, doesn’t matter what he fritters it on as your £2k will be left for you to use as you do now, without providing an ‘allowance’ of £200.

And he could be getting more than the £200 he’s getting now. Would that be an option? (as a pp said, it’ll protect his NI contributions too)

What I’m thinking is that £2k doesn’t seem a lot so I wonder if you should go on the entitledto calculator and just check that you’re claiming all you can. If there’s more you could claim then do that (even if it’s you claiming if DH can’t be trusted) then it boosts the monthly income and it’ll all help.

Can you set up a separate bank account for his spending money and simply pay what you can into it? Then he won't feel like you're his parent doling out pocket money. if he spends it then it's done till the next month. Is he involved in budgeting? If he knows there's naught extra then maybe he won't feel short changed. Good luck.