Husband is using me

[LilyLou00]

I work full time and my husband is a SAHD. He gets an agreed £200 a month spending money (not including food and necessities, I pay for that). He always asks for more money and had an advance on all money until December plus an extra £100 for his birthday. I don't earn loads, I get about £2k a month take home. Yesterday he asked for more again and I said no, he asked again and I said no. We can't afford this. He spends his money on alcohol, treat food from the shop, cigarettes, and weed. (This is not a discussion about the moral standing of these things.) Now he has completely ignored me since I said no to more money, yesterday morning. I tried several times to ask him what the problem was and he has ignored me/given one word answers. Today (his birthday) he has continued to ignore me. Yesterday I decided to not engage any more until he did and it's still going on. I hate the silent treatment but I don't know where to go from here. Why should I keep asking him what's wrong when he has made it clear he doesn't want to talk and quite frankly why should I make an effort. It's clear he doesn't value me but only the money he gets. From this it's obvious he is just using me. I feel like such shit and wish I didn't care and he has ruined my weekend and his birthday for which we planned to go out for a meal but obviously that hasn't happened now.

The problem is I can't break up with him as I work shifts and no nursery covers the hours I work. My youngest is breastfed and I don't want them going to live with him anyway if he got a house somehow. I can't quit my job as the house is tied to it. I have no idea what to do. I was wondering from an outsider perspective am I in the wrong here, and any advice on how to handle this? Thanks so much for reading.

can i ask why he is reimbursed like an employee rather than not looking at it as joint and splitting it down the middle

He is financially abuse you

It’s like living with a teenager. What I say to mine is: we can’t afford more. You want more, get a job.
He’s being a dick. Don’t put up with it.

If you aren't prepared to deal with the issues in your marriage, then I think you just have to learn to ignore the childish silent treatment. If he asks for money, tell him "we isn't have any" and repeat. However I would write it all down, every bill, his av petrol costs etc and all your incoming. How much he gets, how much you get, savings etc. Does he claim the CB in his name? Do you get any tax credits and in whose name?

So if he was the breadwinner and worked full-time, and you were the sahp, would you be happy with less than £50 a week, with strings attached you can only get so much fun out of a pay cheque. It doesn't sound like OP is living the highlife or paying for exotic trips for herself.

The fun money should be equal op so potentially I'd cut it down if it's massively bias in his favour. He will have to look for jobs that outpay childcare if he wants more.

I know we aren't discussing what he spends his money on BUT could it be that he has become addicted to weed (or something else) and is needing more money to fund this? This could also be why he is being moody.

It sounds like a relationship of mutual resentment and that's definitely not healthy. Your present situation isn't working for your family - you both need to become people the other respects.

Good grief. I do not understand some of the posts on here.

You DO NOT get paid to look after your own children. He is not paid childcare. He is doing his duty by his partner (who is looking after him and the family financially) and his kids. He has to look after the kids otherwise he can look for a job and sort out the nursery.

I work. My STBXH is the SAHD. He has my bank cards and everything comes out of the bank account. I pay for everything and if he wants anything he gets it (if we can afford it). I don't pay him. They are his kids.

I'd understand if your partner were super sad but he sounds like a loser.
He is financially abusive and the silent treatment is indicative of a lack of respect and power games.
I wish I had real advice but it seems very difficult.
He has to get over himself. If he can be trusted, hand over the financial management to him for a couple of months so he can see how and where the money goes.

I think in the short term you need to sit down and budget, in the medium term could he work on your day off perhaps and in the long term the relationship is probably doomed, you need to work a plan where you and the kids don't need him, especially if the alcohol and weed escalates

Super dad not super sad!

@Quartz2208 he is reimbursed because he doesn't have my bank card

@chergar yes probably.

@AloneLonelyLoner well yes exactly. He has definitely got it better than if he was working and I was a SAHM as his take home pay was around £1200 before he left his job.

@SleepingStandingUp yes thank you. I will be writing everything that is paid for down and showing him thereby forcing him to face it. However it's not that I am not prepared to deal with the issues in my marriage but he will not engage with any discussion so it's like speaking to a brick wall. I hoped to gain some insight from posting this thread as when you are living through a situation you can sometimes lose perspective. Some very differing opinions on here.

Why can’t he work because of no nursery around your work hours? Surely he could be looking foR a full time 9-5 job And work nursery around HIS hours????

@C0untDucku1a because the money he earned would not cover childcare costs.

I think the problem is that he stonewalls you, rather than treat you like an equal and trying to to have a discussion and negotiate things he just plays power games.
Do you want to share your life with this person in the long term?

I didn't read this properly and have just realised that £200 is purely his spending money and not money to cover food etc.
Obviously I don't approve of money for drugs etc but it's not my moral problem. And I hope he isn't looking after the kids while drinking and smoking weed.
You need to budget which you do and to be the sensible one obviously, bills must be paid.
He sounds to me as though he is pissed off with having pocket money. However if the evidence is there in writing that you cannot give him any more he has to accept it.
Quite honestly he has no right to whinge, you are providing everything and if he wants more pocket money he needs to go and do a days work for it while you are off work and there to look after the kids.
Unfortunately he is communicating with you like a 13 year old boy instead of an adult and you really need to have a proper conversation with him to thrash out options.
Can you fo out one evening and have dinner somewhere to discuss this?

I'm presuming you don't have a joint bank account since you give him spends. Do you have total control of finances? He gets spends? It sounds like he isn't allowed to spend money unless you say so. It isn't nice have to ask for money.

I think you need to share the managing of the family finances together. You are supposed to be a team and I think you need to work together instead of you treating him like an annoying teenager. You aren't his mum.

Also , he is 100% out of order with the drugs which you don't appear to mind however I think you need to address this.

@madcatladyforever that's a good idea to go out and discuss it in another environment. Sadly we don't have anyone to look after the children. But I think maybe when they're in bed one night. My hope is that he will actually engage in this and not just dismiss it through being a boring subject for him

So money is tight, he has 50 quid a week spending money, how much spending money do you have Lily?

@notangelinajolie no we don't have a joint bank account. It's something we have discussed but he is so bad with money we both agreed it's a bad idea. This was what we pre decided before he even left his job. So from your comment it's clear you think I should be doing something different, despite me saying he gets more disposable income than me. I'm not having him pissing our food money up the wall just to make himself feel better.

Less than £50 a week spending money does sound a bit bleak, but I suppose you can only work with what you got. Of course if he didn't spend some on weed etc, he'd be better off.

@notangelinajolie also I'm not sure what you mean by total control of his finances. I've specified I pay for everything he needs and gets extra on top so if that's total control than yes. Do I need to sacrifice our family shopping for his fun?

@Interestedwoman I'm not sure many people on my income would spend £50 a week on anything they want. Personally I make my lunch every day I'm at work, I very rarely buy clothes, I barely drink, don't smoke. I buy all the clothes he needs when he needs them (not often as he's not interested in fashion).

I dont have 200 quid a month to spend on vices. And i work like a motherfu**er. If shopping and every other necessity is met, he needs to do one. The other post where the dp was making 7000 a month and give op 600 quid or something was in completely different circumstances. She needs to be gettin morwle , dp is a dick. In your case... sorry but you're not there to fund someones addictions...

It must be incredibly stressful having to deal with him sulking on top of working and breastfeeding etc 😣
He's just like a spanner in the works isn't he 🙄