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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gaslighted by my boss

56 replies

Aminuts23 · 19/10/2019 17:11

Just that! I have a fairly good understanding of gaslighting as my ex did it to me and I read up a lot about it afterwards.
This week I’ve just realised my boss is doing it to me. She’s told lies about me around the office. When I was asking her about something the other day that she didn’t want to give me, she totally twisted what I was saying, accused me of bad mouthing another colleague (I totally was not!), she accused me of all sorts. It was like the blinkers came off right there!
Having seen this behaviour and now knowing I’m going to be the next of her victims, I know I need to leave. It’s a shame as I like working there. My job is quite niche but there are vacancies locally.
The problem is I absolutely hate conflict and I know if I hand my notice in she’ll make my life hell on Earth. I have to give 3 months too! Should I just stick it out, knowing this about her, or just bite the bullet and have 3 months or torment?

OP posts:
quincejamplease · 19/10/2019 17:16

Three months of temporary shittiness and then somewhere better without being subjected to this, or remaining indefinitely in a situation that's deteriorating?

You need to ask?

Original poster
Aminuts23 · 19/10/2019 17:18

It will be hideous shittiness though. I can hardly bear to think about it

OP posts:
category12 · 19/10/2019 17:19

You may be able to negotiate leaving earlier with your employer once you find something.

category12 · 19/10/2019 17:21

The alternative is sticking it out for how ever long and getting more and more miserable with no end in sight. Confused

Original poster
Aminuts23 · 19/10/2019 17:22

That’s a possibility. I’ve always known she was a nasty person and a terrible people person but suddenly spotting the gaslighting did it for me. She’s very gossipy and rarely has anything nice to say about anybody. I’ve always just ignored it but I can’t ignore this

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/10/2019 17:25

Get another job, references etc all sorted. Hand notice in if shitty behaviour gets work make a formal complaint and get signed off sick...

WheresTheEvidence · 19/10/2019 17:27

Sticking it out means you'll become miserable and then you'll have to do an extra 3 months on top when you finally quit. Or you could just do the 3 months.

HollowTalk · 19/10/2019 17:29

I'd find out on an HR forum what the consequences are if you don't give 3 months' notice. Or are you teaching?

Original poster
Aminuts23 · 19/10/2019 17:50

‘@HollowTalk’ no I’m not teaching.
‘@RandomMess’ that’s a great idea
I will look into the notice period

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/10/2019 17:56

Also save up annual leave?

Are you a parent, use unpaid parental leave?

HollowTalk · 19/10/2019 18:04

I was thinking that with teaching you'd struggle to get another job without working your notice. What's the worst that can happen if you don't work 3 months' notice? It must be hard for anyone to get work if their new employer has to wait that long.

Heartburn888 · 19/10/2019 22:22

Hand your notice in and go on sick leave, they might let you go sooner

nomoreclue · 19/10/2019 23:49

Get new job. Make sure it’s solid then get signed off work sick with stress.

Noboso · 20/10/2019 19:11

This is bullying at work. You can complain. If you feel that you have to leave because of behaviour towards you, this is called constructive dismissal. You can take the company to an industrial tribunal and get compensation. If it was me, I would purchase a small camera (about £20+ on amazon) and record everything. Alternatively ask others what is being said about you and document it. Keep a diary that is detailed. Just writing this stuff down will empower you. With evidence any complaint (within the company or at tribunal) will have weight.
Why should you lose the job you like because of poor management? And don't forget, bullies do kot like being stood up to, they are insecure people.
Good luck, whatever you decide is best for you.

Jane1978xx · 20/10/2019 20:50

I agree complain to her manager or HR it’s likely she has done this before

Original poster
Aminuts23 · 24/11/2019 14:36

Thought I’d check back in here to update.
Since I first posted she has been fine, although I know she’s made a point of going around all of my colleagues asking them if they think I’m ok Confused.
I now have a new job and will be handing my notice in tomorrow. I feel physically ill at the thought of it. Any tips for how to handle this?
I’ve written a polite letter to HR but it would be wrong not to tell her first I feel. She’ll shout, swear, cry etc. I know I just need to get it done. I’ve put it off since Wednesday but I can’t wait any more Sad

OP posts:
Teateaandmoretea · 24/11/2019 14:40

Rather than leaving why not make a complaint about her? It's not as if you have anything to lose if you're intending to leave anywhere.

Also I would argue that at least to some extent dealing with shit bosses is part of working, I'm sure other people see her for what she is. There are lots like this unfortunately - I had one for 3 whole years 😱.

Teateaandmoretea · 24/11/2019 14:42

Sorry just read your update. The one I had used to make a big show of pretending to care.

In terms of tomorrow if she steps out of line report her, ask for gardening leave then if they do nothing get signed off sick simples. You have another job so absolutely nothing to lose.

Teateaandmoretea · 24/11/2019 14:45

Sorry the other option if you can afford to lose pay is to email her and HR tomorrow telling them that you resign with immediate effect. Notice periods are actually unenforceable.

Original poster
Aminuts23 · 24/11/2019 14:46

There’s no point reporting her, she owns the company. I just want to quietly work out my notice then go.
I’m concerned about going off sick as our sick pay is discretionary and I can’t afford to be on SSP.
I just need to pull on my big girl pants and get it done. I didn’t sleep last night for worrying about it. It’s just ridiculous really.

OP posts:
Therebythedoor · 24/11/2019 14:53

Once you've handed in your notice I think you might find that her 'behaviours' will be like water off a duck's back.

Original poster
Aminuts23 · 24/11/2019 14:56

I really hope so. I’m very over sensitive and hate conflict. Being rational I mean what can she do to me really???

OP posts:
Teateaandmoretea · 25/11/2019 19:07

Fingers crossed, I hope it went as well as possible Smile

DrMorbius · 25/11/2019 19:42

My brother had the notice period issue. Legal person said, you do have to work 3 months notice in theory. In practice what can they do? The company would have to show financial loss if you leave. Which is quite difficult unless you are the only person who can do your job.
The only comeback may be if you reputation is tarnished.

LurkingFather · 25/11/2019 20:13

You loose pay and reputation. Maybe if your annual leave was fully taken you can be asked to refund some and this can be enforced by a court. If you are working in a regulated profession, nurse, doctor, teacher etc, you can be complained about at the regulator and can be admonished or worse. That would be on public record. Doctors certainly have been struck off for not honouring contracts to the Tee. But if you are in none of that and know you can ignore the reputational damage and lack of reference, you can of course walk out.

Many employers do not like having employees working off their notice as it is disruptive and can be unpleasant, so you may find that your boss will be pushing you to accept an earlier leaving date, including today.

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