Gaslighted by my boss

[Aminuts23]

Just that! I have a fairly good understanding of gaslighting as my ex did it to me and I read up a lot about it afterwards.
This week I’ve just realised my boss is doing it to me. She’s told lies about me around the office. When I was asking her about something the other day that she didn’t want to give me, she totally twisted what I was saying, accused me of bad mouthing another colleague (I totally was not!), she accused me of all sorts. It was like the blinkers came off right there!
Having seen this behaviour and now knowing I’m going to be the next of her victims, I know I need to leave. It’s a shame as I like working there. My job is quite niche but there are vacancies locally.
The problem is I absolutely hate conflict and I know if I hand my notice in she’ll make my life hell on Earth. I have to give 3 months too! Should I just stick it out, knowing this about her, or just bite the bullet and have 3 months or torment?

The only comeback may be if you reputation is tarnished.

Unless you're in the army when they can arrest you. In reality they have no loss as they can quite legally and correctly stop your pay.

In terms of reference most just say 'x worked here between y and z dates' anyway and they can be arsey about you leaving anyway.

Where I work it says in our contracts explicitly 'if you leave without giving your pay and benefits will cease with immediate effect' seems fair to me

How did it go OP?

Do you really have to work your notice?

It cuts two directions, particularly in small places. I am a small employer.

I have responded to one resignation by cheerily thanking them and essentially walking them off the premises. It did take them a bit by surprise as they employed the resignation as a negotiation tool.

Everyone else who retired/moved on was asked to stay the notice or negotiate a mutually acceptable date and remains welcome as an occasional extra etc. Sometimes it is hard to find a replacement and the notice allows a search to be brought to completion. Small employers can badly struggle if a key worker ups sticks.

Also hope it went well

It was absolutely awful. I got personally attacked by her in front of people. An assistant was the same to the full department while I was out (said I should be told to just fuck off). She then spoke to at least 2 of my colleagues (that I know of up to now) saying I was leaving because of them!!!! Fortunately they know me and my character and in the main they’ve been really supportive. What an absolutely awful day. I have wine open

Well done for getting out. Just grey rock the cow. Look vacant and smile sweetly at her. It will unnerve her not to get a reaction.

Or mutter about acas under your breath every time you're near her. And if it gets really bad, call them for advice, you really don't have to put up with this crap for 3 months.

Thanks @carlywurly. I’ll see how it goes. I’m seeing HR tomorrow about what happened today for all the good that will do. I can’t say too much to them without dropping colleagues in it so need to be careful. I’ve had some nice supportive messages tonight so I have some silent allies in there

My boss asked my why I was leaving but she wouldn’t let me finish what I was saying then just made stuff up to others. Made me remember how NOT to deal with a gaslighter. No point even trying to explain. 2 months 29 days to go

Wow. Any chance you can negotiate an early exit?

@MyOtherProfile I’m going to try. I’m hoping so. I’m also hoping it will calm down

Small employers can badly struggle if a key worker ups sticks.

You should work your notice generally as a point of honour. Unless it suits both parties not to or you are in an untenable position. Unfortunately really shit situations leading to untenable positions are common in the extreme.

If your notice period is 3 months OP if at all possible (ie she doesn't have real power in the industry and I'm sure most people would see her as a nutter) I would arrange start date on 1st Jan and just leave then whether she likes it or not.

What behaviour, so sorry you had to go through that. I have a picture in my mind of Catherine Tates Nan.

I’d ask for an exit meeting on your last day to give her feedback on how she’s made you feel.

I thought I’d update this as you were all so kind!! I’ve made it! I’m out the door on Friday! Week off then new job. I can’t quite believe I’ve made it.
For someone who hates conflict I’ve stood my ground, refused to be bullied, ignored her bullshit and worked my full notice (much to her annoyance really)! I’ve been calm and sensible in my handover to others, I’ve carried on working hard. She’s tried to persuade me to leave early twice but I’ve refused (firstly so my colleagues don’t get dropped in it, secondly my new employers preferred I started after 3 months).
I can see her starting her poisonous ways on others now. I feel sad for them and have tried to support them but I’m skipping on air right now if truth be told 👏🏻👏🏻

Yeah

I’ve been given an ‘exit questionnaire’ to fill in ....

She sounds insane. Your poor colleagues, seeing what happened when you resigned and knowing that would happen to them, too.

You're very brave!

One colleague has been approached for another job but told me today she actually wouldn’t dare hand her notice in after what’s happened to me. It’s madness.

Tell your colleague to accept the new job and when it cranks up go off sick with stress and raise a bullying complaint...

Good on you!
Wishing you all the best in your new job.

I had a boss like this. She was vile. I left then wrote a very detailed letter to HR. Couldn’t do it before for fear her behaviour would be worse. Love my new job.
Congratulation on leaving, enjoy your new job.

Thank you 🙏

It might be worth writing to HR after you've gone, telling them how stressful it was and how you could tell other colleagues were frightened, too.

She owns the business, that’s the problem. Also I’ll still need to deal with her professionally. So I’m tempted to be honest but I’m equally tempted just to get away.