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Relationships

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Original poster

Partner frozen me out of his life due to unplanned pregnancy

118 replies

tavira · 19/10/2019 16:06

I'm in a lot of shock and upset and looking for advice. I'm 46, always wanted to be a mum and was planning to do IVF on my own sometime in the next year or two with donor sperm and egg. However, I met a lovely widow with 2 children 4 months ago, we fell in love quickly and he said he would like to have a child with me in the future (perhaps a year or so) dependent on his children's wishes. Well, I became pregnant naturally (0.2%) chance and am now 7 weeks. In the last month we have had arguments. He has serious difficulties with his teenage daughter's mental health and he seems to use it as an excuse not to make effort to visit me. I am very supportive of him and his family and have stated over 4 or 5 nights a week over our entire relationship to make it easier for him and he has only visited my home 3 times. This is where our arguments started because I asked for some of his time to come to me. He would have done this at the beginning as he seemed to adore me but now he just says no. Well, I have reacted hysterically, probably due to the pregnancy hormones and sheer frustration at his selfishness and use of his children as an excuse for not making time for me. So, now he is saying that I have wrecked his life, finances, retirement, future holidays, lifestyle, his children's lives as they won't want a sibling by becoming pregnant. He also says he just can't cope By the way, he is a well off man with no money worries, in fact neither of us do. He also says he is most concerned that we won't get on due to my hormonal arguments. (I'm on progesterone now avd just cry instead). He started to distance himself from me a week ago, he hasn't been to my scans with me (I have a 50%chance of miscarriage and am terrified). He drove me to the airport for my holiday 4 days ago and hasn't spoken to me since and has said that he has two friends he has consulted who say that it's okay for him to abandon all responsibility to me and the (touch wood) child. I have no idea what to do?

OP posts:

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 19/10/2019 16:09

How long sho did his wife pass away sounds far too much for those poor kids. Its very full on, in such a short space of time.

rvby · 19/10/2019 16:09

You wanted a baby anyway so embrace this opportunity. Make preparations to be a single mum. Pursue him for maintenance - get legal advice now. Be calm. Act for your baby.

Hes not your partner anymore. Cut him loose. Focus on you and baby.

ExcitedForFuture · 19/10/2019 16:10

Why have you posted this twice?

samb80 · 19/10/2019 16:11

Wow, he consults two friends who said he could abandon you - what a horrible man.
His behaviour is a massive red flag. I hope you're ok.

Lightinthedark · 19/10/2019 16:12

If worst happens, would you go it alone? I did, and I am 21 years on with an amazing well adjusted individual and I am so proud of him. You need to make sure you are OK and you baby is OK. Let him be for now if you can and try not to let emotions run riot. I was 27 and I know the rejection from a partner is no different regardless of age. Can you do this on your own?

MarianaMoatedGrange · 19/10/2019 16:13

Prepare to be a lone parent. I'd say. What the fuck have his mates' opinions got to do with it? He sounds like a manchild. He's at liberty to abandon you, but he will be financially responsible for this coming child for 18 years at least.

Congratulations by the way. You can do it alone. Millions have.

Mum4Fergus · 19/10/2019 16:14

Congratulations on your pregnancy...I had my DS in my 40's too, it's an utter blessing.

As for your 'partner', I think it best for you and baby that you revert to your original plan and plan for being a solo Mum. His behaviour is inexcusable regardless of the circumstances. That's not the type of role model anyone needs and that will very much be his loss.

Lucked · 19/10/2019 16:16

Well most people would be sent into a tailspin at someone they have only known 4 months being pregnant, add in he is a widow and difficult teenagers and it is a mess. But he should have taken precautions so he is a fool.

Back away. Accept you will probably be a single parent. I don’t see a relationship between the two of you in the future but it would be good if he could have a relationship with the child but he is going to need a lot of time to accept this.

itsmecathycomehome · 19/10/2019 16:20

I think he was probably lying when he said he'd like another child in the future and is now panicking about maintenance, retirement and the impact on his existing children.

It is a shame, given how disastrous he now finds the situation to be, that he didn't use a condom. Did he think that you were on the pill?

As pp have said, prepare for single parenthood and good luck with the pregnancy. Once the news has settled in, he may yet come good as a father even if it does look like your relationship is over.

DonKeyshot · 19/10/2019 16:26

4 months hardly qualifies as anything more than a casual encounter and what you 'fell in love' with was what you thought he was, rather than the man he actually is.

Regard him as a sperm donor, block him, then hunker down and concentrate on getting safely through your pregnancy.

Even if he agrees to go with you to the Registry Office, do not be tempted to give his name as the father and be sure to give the child YOUR surname.

If he wants to share parental responsibility with you he can demonstrate his commitment to the child by applying to the courts, and the fact that you haven't named him as the father does not prohibit you from claiming child maintenance which you should do shortly after the birth.

here's hoping you have an enjoyable pregnancy with no complications.

plantainchips · 19/10/2019 16:29

He’s not behaving unreasonably. I can understand that it sucks from your perspective. Despite this, anyone who has only been seeing someone for 4 months and is now potentially expecting another child with other children whose mothers are no longer here would be shocked. Very shocked.

You should have a honest conversation with yourself and him. Start planning for the likelihood of being a single mother.

DonKeyshot · 19/10/2019 16:35

So, now he is saying that I have wrecked his life, finances, retirement, future holidays, lifestyle, his children's lives as they won't want a sibling

What he's saying is projection. He put all of the above on the line when he chose to have unprotected sex with you.

Tough shit. His chickens have come home to roost and he's only got himself to blame for the situation he now finds himself in.

ExcitedForFuture · 19/10/2019 16:39

No he hasn't only got himself to blame. OP was there too.

Aminuts23 · 19/10/2019 16:41

Wow! I’m actually not at all surprised he’s freaked out. 4 months and you’ve been spending 4-5 nights every week at his house. It’s all too intense and now you’re pregnant.
Huge congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope it goes smoothly. I’d leave him alone to make his decision and concentrate on keeping yourself well.

blackcat86 · 19/10/2019 16:44

You wanted a baby anyway and despite low odds have become pregnant. Just because this idiot wants to treat you poorly, don't let it ruin your special time. Block him and go it alone. He's been clear what he thinks but he cant simply deny all responsibility. You can keep him off the birth certificate but he will need and should pay maintenance.

TequilaPilates · 19/10/2019 16:46

For me it feels like there's different issues going on here.

You say you've been arguing for 4 weeks (so before you knew about the pregnancy) because he wouldn't stay at your house - but he has 2 children who don't have a mother. How old are the children?

Well, I have reacted hysterically, probably due to the pregnancy hormones and sheer frustration at his selfishness and use of his children as an excuse for not making time for me

You've only known him for 4 months - I think he should be putting his children before you and I think you should have understood this when you entered into a relationship with a widow with children.

The pregnancy is a separate issue. Clearly he isn't the man that you thought he was. You were prepared to be a single parent so can you remove this man from your thoughts and focus on you and the pregnancy now?

SundayMorningAndImFalling · 19/10/2019 16:48

He's not your partner, he's a very new boyfriend of 4 months who already has two children, one of whom has some mental health difficulties and, rightly, they are his priority - not you. Esp as you would only have been together a matter of a few weeks when you became pregnant if you are now 7 weeks gone.

Neither of you knew each other well enough to 'fall in love' after such a short time and any talk of the future was, at best, part of the bonding process rather than definite plans.

You can choose how you respond to the pregnancy and he can do the same. In his position, I'd freak out too but that's not your position. I think you have to make a decision on what you want based on doing this alone but I think that, in the circumstances, his reaction is entirely understandable!

DonKeyshot · 19/10/2019 16:49

Of course the OP was there too but are you going to blame her for the fact that he couldn't be arsed to use condoms, or that he probably thought her age meant she couldn't conceive, 'Excited*?

SundayMorningAndImFalling · 19/10/2019 16:50

He's not being selfish. He's rightly putting his children ahead of his new girlfriend.

SundayMorningAndImFalling · 19/10/2019 16:52

probably thought her age meant she couldn't conceive

Have you spoken to him?

Because the op says a 0.2% chance of pregnancy which suggests they were using contraception. Both of their reactions are understandable, imo, and she also chose to have sex with him. So the responsibility is 50/50 as far as I can see.

misspiggy19 · 19/10/2019 16:54

He’s not behaving unreasonably. I can understand that it sucks from your perspective. Despite this, anyone who has only been seeing someone for 4 months and is now potentially expecting another child with other children whose mothers are no longer here would be shocked. Very shocked.

^I agree. Also OP you don’t really paint yourself in a good light. His kids have lost their mother and your more worried about how many nights you get to spend at his house? You’ve only been seeing each other for 4 months. Way too intense and too much.

Bluntness100 · 19/10/2019 16:56

So you've only known him four moths and are already nearly two months pregnant?

How long has he been widowed, I can see why this would be very difficult for his children to accept, you hardly know each other. Why are you staying with him so often? It's all too much too soon.

I understand why you wish this baby, but you should plan to proceed on your own. You were going to do that anyway.

ScreamingLadySutch · 19/10/2019 16:56

Congratulations on your pregnancy - you got a sperm donor without going through any bureaucracy.

But OP - that is what he is. Men will say whatever it takes to get access to sex.

He is not your partner, you don't know each other and his horrified reaction tells you, you are on your own.
But you were prepared to do that, so you haven't lost anything really except the fantasy of being together.

Witchinaditch · 19/10/2019 16:57

It sounds like he is still grieving and so are his children, I would see your pregnancy as a massive blessing and I wish you all the luck in the world but you can’t force him to be involved. I hope you look after yourself and just rest as much as possible.

Thankful2020 · 19/10/2019 16:58

Good luck with the pregnancy. I hope it all goes well for you. Forget this man (he is not your partner or even boyfriend). Treat him as a sperm donor. This has saved you the hassle of going to the sperm bank. Focus on yourself. Let him get on with his life. You were thinking of going it alone anyway so a win for your really.

He has been irresponsible by not using protection but that matter anymore. You wanted a baby. You are getting one. Fingers crossed for you.

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