Partner frozen me out of his life due to unplanned pregnancy

[tavira]

I'm in a lot of shock and upset and looking for advice. I'm 46, always wanted to be a mum and was planning to do IVF on my own sometime in the next year or two with donor sperm and egg. However, I met a lovely widow with 2 children 4 months ago, we fell in love quickly and he said he would like to have a child with me in the future (perhaps a year or so) dependent on his children's wishes. Well, I became pregnant naturally (0.2%) chance and am now 7 weeks. In the last month we have had arguments. He has serious difficulties with his teenage daughter's mental health and he seems to use it as an excuse not to make effort to visit me. I am very supportive of him and his family and have stated over 4 or 5 nights a week over our entire relationship to make it easier for him and he has only visited my home 3 times. This is where our arguments started because I asked for some of his time to come to me. He would have done this at the beginning as he seemed to adore me but now he just says no. Well, I have reacted hysterically, probably due to the pregnancy hormones and sheer frustration at his selfishness and use of his children as an excuse for not making time for me. So, now he is saying that I have wrecked his life, finances, retirement, future holidays, lifestyle, his children's lives as they won't want a sibling by becoming pregnant. He also says he just can't cope By the way, he is a well off man with no money worries, in fact neither of us do. He also says he is most concerned that we won't get on due to my hormonal arguments. (I'm on progesterone now avd just cry instead). He started to distance himself from me a week ago, he hasn't been to my scans with me (I have a 50%chance of miscarriage and am terrified). He drove me to the airport for my holiday 4 days ago and hasn't spoken to me since and has said that he has two friends he has consulted who say that it's okay for him to abandon all responsibility to me and the (touch wood) child. I have no idea what to do?

You both sound selfish and unreasonable.
You are / were planning on being a single parent at 46/7/8?
Have you considered that you will be nearly 70 when your child is in their teens?
Who is going to care for your child if you get ill with age related things?

Those poor kids....their mother was barely cold inher grave and he was embarked on another relationship? A d now that over ha's embarking on another one with someone who thi is its acceptable to stay in their own 4/5 nights a week having unprotected sex with their father?
Have you no concept of how fucked up all this is?

@Daddystilllost because it seems very confusing whether they used contraception or not.

@Pieceofpurplesky So what if they did or not? What business is it of yours? It bears zero relevance to this thread whatsoever!! You're just being downright nosey!

@daddystilllost
of course whether or not they used contraception has a bearing on this thread. It could be that the op told the guy that she was on the pill. We don't know as she is coyly omitting that part of the story. It has everything to do with this thread.,

Agree with what bigearring has said. They or she are being massively irresponsible in bringing a baby into the mix at her age and with her being a single mother. It's madness.

@pusspuss9 Yes I agree to that last paragraph in principle. However her actually getting pregnant etc is not what she came on here to ask for support for. It's dealing with his attitude towards her going forward.

This is not in Court and we are not Jurors trying to come to a Guilty or Not Guilty verdict for heaves sake! What's done is done! What is important now is OP & this baby going forward

What is important now is OP & this baby going forward

I'd say in a hierarchy of needs the boyfriends daughters are currently the most important, and should have been all along.

@daddystilllost

his attitude is probably directly linked as to whether he thinks he was 'tricked' by her. He might not in a thousand years have knowingly got her pregnant because as he says this could have a massive effect on his current family going forward.
He would have had to be a complete idiot quite honestly to have knowingly got her pregnant.

I'm not defending him here, just saying that whether they used safe contraception or not is a critical issue in this debate.

@Daddystilllost it is important to the thread whether the OP was using contraception and if her bf was. It was a very new relationship in which the OP had
already expressed a desire to have a child. Her bf has told her that he wanted to wait. Yet she got pregnant. Were either of them taking precautions? Had she told him that she was?
All relevant to the thread as it had a different outcome on how the man will react over time. Contraceptive fail - mutual responsibility, lied to ... changes it a bit.

Agree with @pusspuss9 and @Pieceofpurplesky with this one @Daddystilllost - I'm not asking to be nosy, I was asking to see whether it was a contraceptive failure and the boyfriend was being unreasonable harsh on OP, or whether she'd wittingly 'forgot' her contraception. As sad as it is to think, it does happen.

Either way, I don't think OP will be back.

You sound incredibly selfish, I feel sorry for his poor kids

When I was dating, the men who said they wanted to have kids with me in the early stages our of our relationship were swiftly binned, that is red flag talk and you were daft to fall for it.

What @AngelsSins said. He clearly wants a woman around to help raise his kids - first his previous partner of 3 years, and now you.

He never intended to have kids with you - that would have made his life harder, not easier. I'm so sorry he's turning out to be such a shit, OP - congrats on your pregnancy and I think you need to be prepared to go it alone

Congratulations on your pregnancy! Against the odds and you got the winning ticket. Amazing, absolutely wonderful.
All the time and effort you were totally prepared to give to him and his family, you can now give to your own little family of two.
Crossing all fingers and toes for a safe pregnancy and a happy event in 2020.

Please bear with this to the end.

Assuming this situation is real, it should be a wake up call for you. I’m not sure where to even start... there are so many red flags / issues.

Knowing you work with kids, why on earth did you think it was acceptable to essentially move in with a widower AND HIS CHILDREN after such a short space of time ? They will all be grieving still, particularly the kids, and do not need this kind of disruption. I would not even introduce a new person to my kids before a least a year if I was to separate from their father, and when you have children dealing with their mothers death it’s even worse.

You’ve not answered any details of how you got pregnant - and by that I mean we’re you deliberately trying (either with / without his knowledge), a contraception failure or just careless ? To be honest any of these are stupid with someone you’ve just met, let alone someone in his circumstances.

You also seem unprepared for dealing with a relationship with a man with children, let alone a widower dealing with children with understandable mental health issues. Your comments show you are in no way ready / suited for a step mother type role. “Dead wife’s kids” was a particularly horrid comment that jumped out at me.

Behaving hysterically when he’s looking after his children rather than driving to meet you for dinner ? You should be ashamed of that, hormones or not - it’s the one thing you’ve said about him that’s decent !

I think you need to take a long, hard look at how your own actions have brought you here so you do not make the same mistakes again.

HOWEVER...

He has clearly reacted very badly to your pregnancy and I agree he was probably telling you what you wanted to hear previously to get free childcare and sex on tap. And you fell for it.

To have already had one long term relationship move in and fail before moving you in in such a short space of time is truly awful. Did you know about this ? If so, why did you think it was ok ?

He is clearly not a great guy for you. You will be better off without him and need to learn from this and slow down in the future. You might not have been so careful thinking about the effect of your actions on his kids, but you will have to be careful with your own child in the future.

In your circumstances and with your plans to have a baby anyway you've had a lucky escape. Imagine if you did not want a baby...

BUT you've got what you wanted... you’ve got a baby without the effort and expense of IVF. Congratulations (that’s not sarcastic by the way).

Cynically, you've also now got someone on the hook for maintenance payments (well payed if that was planned).

He made the baby with you, so it is correct he supports the child. You’ll also need to work out how to co-parent together (assuming he wants to). Concentrate on the child and doing what is best for him / her.

Good luck.

There's no point in us being hard on the op, what's done is done. We all make mistakes.

What is positive is the fact that she is pregnant and she wanted a child, I daresay she didn't think it would happen so quickly. That's a warning to any single woman in her forties who is starting on a relationship with a new man!

However the op has said there are no money issues, she can support herself and the baby and that's what matters most of all. It lets the man off the hook which isn't fair but he may well want to be involved when the baby arrives, it's just that he doesn't have to. He does sound flaky and having jumped into a relationship almost as soon as his wife died, which didn't last, and then moving on so quickly to the op, he isn't very reliable in my eyes. We shall see.

I'm sure op won't be quite so impulsive in any future relationship and I do hope she comes back here to tell us how the pregnancy (& anything else) is progressing.

He does sound flaky and having jumped into a relationship almost as soon as his wife died

Maybe you haven't experienced the pain of loss of a life partner, but it's massively unfair to call the man 'flakey'. The grieving process is an incredibly complex and painful journey, he could be going through all sorts of conflicting emotions that don't equate to being flakey. He's probably coping badly, but may well want to support his child financially when the time comes.

People are being very harsh kicking the OP when she's down, where's the support on here?!

Be realistic, there is no way he thought he might want a child with a woman in her late forties 'in a year or two'. He probably assumed it would never happen. Forget him and decide what you want to do about the pregnancy. He may or may not come around to the idea.

Oh I have daisychain, I know how painful it is to lose a spouse. I was only going on what the op said about him but of course I don't know the man.

I do agree he may want to be involved with the baby, at the moment he is in shock.

The op is our main concern on here and deserves our support. I hope she is alright and comes back.

"there is no way he thought he might want a child with a woman in her late forties 'in a year or two'"

Yes OP, he was fibbing. Fibbing through his teeth. If he actually wanted children with you he would've started immediately, given your age. He just didn't want children with you. The 0.2% figure you quoted is the chance of a 46 year old falling pregnant without medical assistance I guess? Then it is quite extraordinary, and wonderful, that you did manage to fall pregnant so quickly. But this is not what he was expecting or wanted. You can't expect him to contribute anything beyond child support. Although perhaps he might come around to the idea of being a father again later.