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Original poster

Partner frozen me out of his life due to unplanned pregnancy

118 replies

tavira · 19/10/2019 16:06

I'm in a lot of shock and upset and looking for advice. I'm 46, always wanted to be a mum and was planning to do IVF on my own sometime in the next year or two with donor sperm and egg. However, I met a lovely widow with 2 children 4 months ago, we fell in love quickly and he said he would like to have a child with me in the future (perhaps a year or so) dependent on his children's wishes. Well, I became pregnant naturally (0.2%) chance and am now 7 weeks. In the last month we have had arguments. He has serious difficulties with his teenage daughter's mental health and he seems to use it as an excuse not to make effort to visit me. I am very supportive of him and his family and have stated over 4 or 5 nights a week over our entire relationship to make it easier for him and he has only visited my home 3 times. This is where our arguments started because I asked for some of his time to come to me. He would have done this at the beginning as he seemed to adore me but now he just says no. Well, I have reacted hysterically, probably due to the pregnancy hormones and sheer frustration at his selfishness and use of his children as an excuse for not making time for me. So, now he is saying that I have wrecked his life, finances, retirement, future holidays, lifestyle, his children's lives as they won't want a sibling by becoming pregnant. He also says he just can't cope By the way, he is a well off man with no money worries, in fact neither of us do. He also says he is most concerned that we won't get on due to my hormonal arguments. (I'm on progesterone now avd just cry instead). He started to distance himself from me a week ago, he hasn't been to my scans with me (I have a 50%chance of miscarriage and am terrified). He drove me to the airport for my holiday 4 days ago and hasn't spoken to me since and has said that he has two friends he has consulted who say that it's okay for him to abandon all responsibility to me and the (touch wood) child. I have no idea what to do?

OP posts:
ExcitedForFuture · 19/10/2019 18:19

"Of course the OP was there too but are you going to blame her for the fact that he couldn't be arsed to use condoms, or that he probably thought her age meant she couldn't conceive, 'Excited*?" Yes I can, did she insist he wear one? It's just as much a woman's responsibility using condoms as a mans.

SundayMorningAndImFalling · 19/10/2019 18:20

I am very supportive of him and his family and have stated over 4 or 5 nights a week over our entire relationship to make it easier for him and he has only visited my home 3 times

This was way too much and you shouldn't really have met his children yet, let alone been immersed in their lives and his family in this way.

Who pushed for so many overnights from the start?

BeanBag7 · 19/10/2019 18:28

You were planning to have a baby using a sperm donor in the next few years, you've potentially saved yourself a lot of money and heartache (IVF at 48 has a very low success rate) by finding a sperm donor by yourself.
Your relationship won't be able to continue over this. Cut your losses with him. Pursue him for maintenance if you want to. Stop stressing about him and focus on your pregnancy.

ukgift2016 · 19/10/2019 18:28

He is not your boyfriend. You only known each other for four months.

He feels trapped and doesn't feel he should put up with your emotional outbursts as he isn't even in love with you.

Forget this man and focus on your baby. You do not need him. Hopefully as the months go by, he will want to be a father.

Thatnameistaken · 19/10/2019 18:41

My sympathies lie with the guy and his daughters. Yes he should have ensured you had contraception in place, but if you have told him you have a 0.2% chance of conceiving and he has taken that at face value no wonder he feels like you've pulled the rug out from under him.
You've got your pregnancy, I hope it goes well but don't be shocked if your widower won't play happy families.

Original poster
tavira · 19/10/2019 20:29

Hi, well, he's been widower 4 years and had a partner for 3 years before me. He lived with her and her 2 children. I stayed at his house because he lives out in the country with no public transport in order to help him with childcare. His children are 16 and 14. I also never asked him to stay at mine, only to visit for dinner a few hours once a week. He leaves his children fot a few hours if we go to dinner when he wants too. Admittedly the relationship moved quickly but I felt very happy with him. He had already asked me to move in and I was taking my time in doing that. I never pushed myself on his children. They all wanted me there and I have been supportive to their needs. It helps that my job is working with teenagers with difficulties so I kind of know what I'm doing. Yes, we both took a risk but I did thay because I thought he loved me, he had told me he wanted to have a child with me in the future and he wanted me to the care of his children too, which I did willingly. Personally, I do not think it is the amount of time is at issue here but the wish of him to ask me to treat him and his children as my family but not be happy to abandon me when I his child with him. His children are not even part of me but I treated them with love and kindness. My only mistake is that I did not have the opportunity or perhaps not wise enough to take this as slow as I wished due to his pressing for me to move forward quickly. At the end of the day I have been a good partner to him and his children but he is not happy to afford me the same respect. I am not asking us to be together till death us do part but to give me and OUR child a chance in the same way I'd did HIS and his dead wife's children.

OP posts:
Original poster
tavira · 19/10/2019 20:33

No, he raised it with me x

OP posts:
mylifenow27 · 19/10/2019 20:35

Are you sure he wasn't just using you? Some men have relationships with women to make there life easier. Helping with the kids and things.

It's a bit sad that the children just welcomed you into there life basically overnight as if normal for them. It's 4 years since there mum died but he at least had one 3 year relationship and now tried to move it very fast with you.

All off this doesn't sit right with me. It sounds like love bombing which ultimately lead to abuse.

TequilaPilates · 19/10/2019 20:40

I never pushed myself on his children. They all wanted me there and I have been supportive to their needs. It helps that my job is working with teenagers with difficulties so I kind of know what I'm doing.

Their mother died 4 years ago. Since then they've lived with another girlfriend for 3 years and now you've dared their dad for 4 months and have been staying over 4 or 5 nights a week - yet you claim to know about working with teenagers and that you haven't pushed yourself on them?????

Those poor children. 10 and 12 when their mum died and in 4 years have had 2 of their dad's girlfriends pushed into their lives too. That's really sad.

readitandwept · 19/10/2019 20:44

It helps that my job is working with teenagers with difficulties so I kind of know what I'm doing.

Hmm As someone whose mother died when I was 10, I beg to differ. Though I'm sure that would be the case even she hadn't.

Shambu · 19/10/2019 21:04

The fact he only came to yours 3 times in total was a red flag that he wasn't that into it. The fact he was happy to have a new squeeze to stay so soon while he's got kids living at home is a red flag he's not very considerate of others.

He was happy for you to deliver him sex at his house. He probably dropped the love and babies line to get you to have (unprotected sex) with him.

But at the end of the day, you got the baby you wanted so something good has come out of it.

NigesFakeWalkingStick · 19/10/2019 21:05

What was the contraceptive failure then? Did he think you were on the pill and you weren't taking it? Or did he actually say he wanted to try and have a child? I just don't understand how this conversation would have come up.

It looks to me that you saw him mentioning children as a red light not to use contraception, am I right? If you were using condoms and he said 'don't worry about it tonight' then yeah, that's shitty. But if you were on the pill and he thought you were and you stopped taking it, that's hugely unreasonable on your part.

Shambu · 19/10/2019 21:05

My sympathies lie with the guy and his daughters. Yes he should have ensured you had contraception in place, but if you have told him you have a 0.2% chance of conceiving and he has taken that at face value no wonder he feels like you've pulled the rug out from under him.

Oh ffs.

Kiwiinkits · 19/10/2019 21:05

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LovePoppy · 19/10/2019 21:10

He wanted a new mommy

You ruined that

AllFourOfThem · 19/10/2019 21:16

He just wanted free childcare for his children and now you spoilt it by having hormonal outbursts and potentially bringing another child into the house.

Interestedwoman · 19/10/2019 21:45

How irresponsible, immature, and cruel he's being, saying he would abandon you. He should at least say he's prepared to have a relationship with the kid, and at the very least give you some financial support towards it when it comes, whether you needs the money or not.

You must be very disappointed in him :( I'm afraid you may have to be prepared to write him off as a partner, though he might come round to the idea of co-parenting in the end. Of course, it might all turn out ok with him, you never know, though you will probably resent how he's behaved for a long time.

Anyway, congratulations and best wishes xxxx

AgentJohnson · 19/10/2019 22:06

Well the bright side is you have a pregnancy without the cost and hassle of IVF. You knew this man for 16 weeks, he did a future fake on you and told you what you wanted to hear.

C0untDucku1a · 19/10/2019 22:13

His dead wife’s children? Really? You thought that’s an appropriate phrase? Hmm

Tbh it is good fortune you got pregnant, as this guy was clearly lying about having any desire to have children with you.

Focus on the pregnancy and getting everything in place. Cms when the baby is born.

madcatladyforever · 19/10/2019 22:13

You were going to have a child on your own anyway. Ditch this idiot and celebrate being pregnant.

He is not going to support you or be any good. "You" haven't wrecked his retirement. He had the choice to wear a condom.

Men are mostly shit at the best of times. No way I'd want one in my life again.

Babysharkdoodoodood · 19/10/2019 22:34

He can't 'abandon' you. That's what CMS is for. Don't put him on the birth certificate

Ginger1982 · 19/10/2019 22:35

"Of course the OP was there too but are you going to blame her for the fact that he couldn't be arsed to use condoms, or that he probably thought her age meant she couldn't conceive "

I would blame her for not insisting he wear a condom, especially if she wasn't on the pill (which she hasn't confirmed or denied) but it sounds like she saw it as a way to get the child she wants.

HundredMilesAnHour · 19/10/2019 22:35

I find this tale impossible to believe. No-one is this clueless, especially someone who claims to work with teenagers.

morrisseysquif · 19/10/2019 23:15

Just see him as the sperm donor you wanted and factor him out on a personal level.

Pursue him for child maintenance if you need it and can face the hassle but if you don't just sack that off too.

alexdgr8 · 19/10/2019 23:20

I don't see why people are saying not to put his name on the birth cert.
surely the resultant child has a right to this information.
and anyway, it depends on his co-operation, since they are not married, he would have to go with her to the registering to declare himself as the father. she would not be permitted to do this in his absence.