Partner frozen me out of his life due to unplanned pregnancy

[tavira]

I'm in a lot of shock and upset and looking for advice. I'm 46, always wanted to be a mum and was planning to do IVF on my own sometime in the next year or two with donor sperm and egg. However, I met a lovely widow with 2 children 4 months ago, we fell in love quickly and he said he would like to have a child with me in the future (perhaps a year or so) dependent on his children's wishes. Well, I became pregnant naturally (0.2%) chance and am now 7 weeks. In the last month we have had arguments. He has serious difficulties with his teenage daughter's mental health and he seems to use it as an excuse not to make effort to visit me. I am very supportive of him and his family and have stated over 4 or 5 nights a week over our entire relationship to make it easier for him and he has only visited my home 3 times. This is where our arguments started because I asked for some of his time to come to me. He would have done this at the beginning as he seemed to adore me but now he just says no. Well, I have reacted hysterically, probably due to the pregnancy hormones and sheer frustration at his selfishness and use of his children as an excuse for not making time for me. So, now he is saying that I have wrecked his life, finances, retirement, future holidays, lifestyle, his children's lives as they won't want a sibling by becoming pregnant. He also says he just can't cope By the way, he is a well off man with no money worries, in fact neither of us do. He also says he is most concerned that we won't get on due to my hormonal arguments. (I'm on progesterone now avd just cry instead). He started to distance himself from me a week ago, he hasn't been to my scans with me (I have a 50%chance of miscarriage and am terrified). He drove me to the airport for my holiday 4 days ago and hasn't spoken to me since and has said that he has two friends he has consulted who say that it's okay for him to abandon all responsibility to me and the (touch wood) child. I have no idea what to do?

Did the op tell him she was ttc ?

There are so many things screaming out to me here.

1. You've only been together for four months, nearly 2 months pregnant (so you got pregnant 2 months into your relationship) - was this an accident or intentional? What precautions were you using?

2. this man is a widow, with two children, one of which with MH worries. Yet you're staying over there most of the week mere months after getting together? That would really put the cat among the pigeons. How do his daughters feel about this? How long has he been widowed? I wouldn't dream of moving someone in effectively after a few weeks of dating, especially not with children who have lost their mother.

3. he said he wanted to settle down in the future - not now. Now is very much the honeymoon period (or should be) and you've been arguing the past month? So three months in and you're already arguing?

4. his children should always take precedence over a relationship- they've lost their fucking mother, and his loyalty lies with them. Of course he isn't going to come to your house as much, he has his children at home! Why are you making such a big thing about this? Surely you would have known at the start this would have been an issue?

5. whilst not admirable, I think your boyfriend has behaved frankly like most people would behave in a situation like this. Scared shitless.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope it goes okay, but like others have said, prepare to be a single parent (which by the sounds of things, you were going to pursue anyway). I don't think even without the pregnancy this relationship would have lasted.

@rvby has it exactly right!

Reacting " hysterically" to him not coming to yours is also bound to worry most people. As the pp said, he's teenage kids at home.

Honestly op, it reads like you met him, and rushed st this full force, instead of taking it slowly and understanding his circumstances. I'm assuming him saying he would want a baby in a year or so, sounds like you asked him the question, rather than he raised it with you,

You must understand , that asking a man you barely know to have a baby with you, staying at his home nearly full time from the moment you start dating, and falling pregnent a few weeks in, when this man is dealing with teenage kids, one with mental health problems, is just too much.

Were the pair do you using contraception? Where does the 0.2 come from, that sounds like a contraceptive failure stat.

Congratulations, bugger him you can do this on your own. I'd go low contact from now on. Be kind to yourself and good luck

What contraception were you using?

Congratulations!! I agree with PPs. forget this man and enjoy your pregnancy . Look after yourself for the sake of you and your baby avoid the stress.💐

Doubt they were using protection, neither probably though pregnancy was likely due to op's age.
He clearly lied when saying he'd want a baby but by then op would've been 48 so highly unlikely anyway.

He gave you what you were prepared to pay for (and probably wouldn't have worked in another couple of years) for free.

Anything else is a bonus.

Like others said, prepare to be a solo parent.

Men lie to get sex. I'm sure he is well old enough to know how babies are made and at his age, if he didn't want more he could have had the snip.

Look after yourself and ignore him. That's all you can do for now.

You are better off going it alone, OP. Dating a widower with children is tough (been there!) and he, quite rightly, needs to focus on his children and himself. I daresay this has hit him very hard after such a short relationship so far.
I agree you should give him space and get on with your dream-to have a successful pregnancy. Focus on you and baby. Forget him for now.

Let him have his freak out. Maybe he’ll come around, maybe not.

Either way you’ll hopefully have your longed for child and he will be a good parent to them

I would imagine he thinks you have intentionally done what you can to get pregnant and he feels trapped in what could otherwise have just been a short fling for him.

he hasn't been to my scans with me

How many have you had? Very few places will scan before six or seven weeks because of the likelihood of not seeing anything and causing stress. If you are only seven weeks now and went on holiday four days ago, I’m surprised you have had any at all.

He sounds awful. File for CMS when the baby is born. His behaviour or involvement from this point on is how own responsibility.

Focus on your child and the wonderful adventure you're about to embark on.

Well, you wanted a baby so now you're getting one. You can't expect him to go along with this, you barely know him, 4 months is not a 'partner', just fling territory. He told you what you wanted to hear to get you in bed. You're on your own now. He's told you he doesn't want to parent with you and you cannot force him. The most you can hope for is some maintenance perhaps but if he's self-employed he can easily weasel out of that.

Don't put him on the birth certificate and give the baby your surname.

You're being unreasonable - Of course he'll put his DC first as he should. Any man talking about having a baby with you within weeks of meeting is one you should run a mile from

If you was willing to do IVF on your own surely you can do this on your own too? No it's probably not turning out how you planned but the main thing right now is the baby, not this horrible man who is willing to abandon you so easily.
Although it probably is abit of a shock to you both and he may just need time to come around, doesn't mean you have to stick around and wait for that to happen though.

It seems from your post that he said maybe having DC together in a year or so, so the question is did you stop taking contraception with his agreement? It really sounds like he was not really agreeing to have a baby with you this soon into a relationship, so he can hardly be blamed for being pretty mad about the situation. 2/4 months is far too soon to be making such a huge commitment.

So many women trapping men. Why on earth would you get pregnant with someone who has just lost his wife

She hasnt trapped him, im sure she didnt force him not to wear a condom. Why did he have unprotected sex with another woman when he's just lost his wife? The female isn't the only one that can get something to prevent pregnancy you know, both people involved are responsible for having unprotected sex.

Any man talking about having a baby with you within weeks of meeting is one you should run a mile from

Or woman for that matter,,,

You were going to do it alone anyway so see him as a sperm donor.He sounds like he was bullshitting you that he would want a child with you eventually,given his reaction.

I am very supportive of him and his family and have stated over 4 or 5 nights a week over our entire relationship to make it easier for him and he has only visited my home 3 times.

This is not "supportive". This is suffocating for his children, at the very least.

He was already looking for a way out and has used his friends opinions to justify his actions.
It’s very likely he would have dumped you anyway.
This has all happened very, very fast but it’s his actions as well as yours that have caused the situation so don’t listen to that “it’s all your fault you’ve ruined my life bollocks” if he didn’t want a baby he shouldn’t have had sex with you.

Try and think positive, you are having the baby you’ve always wanted and without the cost of IVF, you would have been a single parent anyway.
You’ve lost nothing really, I selfish dickhead who was willing to to walk away at the first sign of a problem- that’s no loss.