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Original poster

Partner frozen me out of his life due to unplanned pregnancy

118 replies

tavira · 19/10/2019 16:06

I'm in a lot of shock and upset and looking for advice. I'm 46, always wanted to be a mum and was planning to do IVF on my own sometime in the next year or two with donor sperm and egg. However, I met a lovely widow with 2 children 4 months ago, we fell in love quickly and he said he would like to have a child with me in the future (perhaps a year or so) dependent on his children's wishes. Well, I became pregnant naturally (0.2%) chance and am now 7 weeks. In the last month we have had arguments. He has serious difficulties with his teenage daughter's mental health and he seems to use it as an excuse not to make effort to visit me. I am very supportive of him and his family and have stated over 4 or 5 nights a week over our entire relationship to make it easier for him and he has only visited my home 3 times. This is where our arguments started because I asked for some of his time to come to me. He would have done this at the beginning as he seemed to adore me but now he just says no. Well, I have reacted hysterically, probably due to the pregnancy hormones and sheer frustration at his selfishness and use of his children as an excuse for not making time for me. So, now he is saying that I have wrecked his life, finances, retirement, future holidays, lifestyle, his children's lives as they won't want a sibling by becoming pregnant. He also says he just can't cope By the way, he is a well off man with no money worries, in fact neither of us do. He also says he is most concerned that we won't get on due to my hormonal arguments. (I'm on progesterone now avd just cry instead). He started to distance himself from me a week ago, he hasn't been to my scans with me (I have a 50%chance of miscarriage and am terrified). He drove me to the airport for my holiday 4 days ago and hasn't spoken to me since and has said that he has two friends he has consulted who say that it's okay for him to abandon all responsibility to me and the (touch wood) child. I have no idea what to do?

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 19/10/2019 23:27

He sounds awful. File for CMS when the baby is born. His behaviour or involvement from this point on is how own responsibility.

Focus on your child and the wonderful adventure you're about to embark on.

I agree.. he sounds like an utter knob..

Congratulations on your pregnancy, go it alone Lady. Flowers

Booboosweet · 19/10/2019 23:28

I think you're rushing ahead a bit. Get to 12 weeks anyway, so you know the pregnancy is definitely going to result in birth before leaping to conclusions. 7 weeks is very early

readitandwept · 19/10/2019 23:35

he hasn't been to my scans with me

You're 7 weeks and went on holiday 4 days ago.

How many scans had you had by 6.5 weeks?

ExcitedForFuture · 19/10/2019 23:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Pandaintheporridge · 20/10/2019 00:09

I had early scans - most I ever had by 7 weeks would be two. There isn't enough development if you have them less than a week apart.
It's a very vague attitude to be in your mid forties and thinking of ttc "in a couple of years".
He either took up with his last partner within a few months of his wife dying, or he took up with you within a few months of his last relationship breaking up. Neither covers him in glory.

Bluerussian · 20/10/2019 00:42

I think the man probably thought you wouldn't get pregnant so easily and it has been a shock to him. However he shouldn't be blaming you and moaning about it, that is hardly helpful.

In your shoes I would tell him simply that you are not going to use the baby to force a commitment from him, are happy to go it alone, and cool it. No more overnight stays at his house - just be a friend.

Shortfeet · 20/10/2019 00:59

Well you got what you wanted most out of this so it’s not all bad.

LannisterLion1 · 20/10/2019 12:46

Sounds like a mess. You were both too intense with dc involved plus he has form for fast relationships as he jumped to his ex quickly after being widowed, then from her to you quickly.

Act like you are doing this alone, good luck with your pregnancy.

Bluerussian · 20/10/2019 12:52

All I can say is that I hope your pregnancy goes smoothly and that you are happy with your baby, partner or not.

I do think your (ex) boyrfriend) ...man...baby's father...will be interested when the baby is born, especially if you are independent about it; I know you are not dependent on him, let's wait and see.

Congratulations (if I didn't say that before) on your pregnancy, I do hope everything runs smoothly. It's an exciting time!

BaronessBomburst · 20/10/2019 13:00

I think he just wanted someone to look after the children and the house, with sex on tap. You wanted a baby.
The same story that plays out on here regularly, except this time the woman came out on top and the man lost.
OP, you're well rid of this tosser and have spared yourself a lifetime of being his drudge. I wish you every success with your pregnancy.

his story has worked out the opposite way as expected.

BaronessBomburst · 20/10/2019 13:02

Sorry, ignore the random nonsense at the end. I didn't tidy my post up properly.

Drum2018 · 20/10/2019 13:09

Did you lie about your age? Seems odd that he'd agree to have tried for a baby with you in a year or so when you'd be 47/48. Perhaps he figured trying at that age wouldn't work so he was just keeping you sweet in the meantime. It does seem he just wanted another woman in the house given he had already lived with someone after his wife died. I feel sorry for the poor kids - mother dies and daddy shacks up with another woman more or less straight away, that relationship ends and he then has yet another woman staying over most of the week. I'm very surprised you wouldn't think that is acceptable given that you work with teens. He should be focussing all his time and energy on his children and helping them cope with their grief, not being a selfish bollocks thinking of himself. You are probably best off going it alone.

Drum2018 · 20/10/2019 13:17

surprised you wouldn't think that is acceptable

That should read 'surprised you would think that is acceptable'

Bluntness100 · 20/10/2019 13:17

Op, cmon, no one is that naive. He just wanted child care and sex.

Daddystilllost · 20/10/2019 13:19

@DonKeyshot do not be tempted to give his name as the father and be sure to give the child YOUR surname.

Disgraceful advice!! The child has every right to have their father on the birth certificate. This isn't about what is best for OP. Wow

Daddystilllost · 20/10/2019 13:19

Regardless of the rights it gives him, the baby's rights come first

Daddystilllost · 20/10/2019 13:21

@NigesFakeWalkingStick What precautions were you using? WHY?!?! What relevance does this have? Why is this any of your business? Hmm

Daddystilllost · 20/10/2019 13:22

@Pieceofpurplesky What contraception were you using? WHY?!?!?

daisychain01 · 20/10/2019 13:44

You've both acted immaturely about the speed with which you've rushed headlong into the relationship, given this man's complex emotional and family obligations.

It sounds like you've been fast-forwarding the future in your head, imagining everything 2-3 years ahead, 'happy families' living as a couple, when you probably now realise you should have kept things at a slower pace. Sorry to point out the painfully obvious but at least you can now work with reality.

As others have said, you are where you are today, with the potential for the baby you already wanted. The fact it has now brought the relationship with this man to an end because he has decided that he doesn't want what you want, is I'm afraid the risk you took by making this much of a commitment to someone you hardly know.

Sounds like he's called time at this early stage. That isn't a crime. How many times on here do we read that changing one's mind about being in a relationship is the person's right, without need to justify the reason. It's happened. Your blessing is the chance of a child, even if the circumstances aren't ideal.

MrsAJ27 · 20/10/2019 13:45

I think you need to take a step back and concentrate on you and your baby. Stressing over him is not going to do you any good.

It sounds like you would be better off without him anyway.

Hope all goes well with the pregnancy

daisychain01 · 20/10/2019 13:46

Regardless of the rights it gives him, the baby's rights come first

Yes, his right to walk away from the relationship does not cancel his obligation to contribute to the upbringing of the child he is 50% responsible for creating. That's a separate matter!

onthecoins · 20/10/2019 13:57

I'm confused.

Why wasn't he using a condom if he didn't want a baby?

Why do 14-16 year olds need childcare?

I agree with the others, walk away. Have your baby as you'd intended.

TequilaPilates · 20/10/2019 14:36

Why do 14-16 year olds need childcare?

Should they raise themselves then?

ViciousJackdaw · 20/10/2019 15:21

He has serious difficulties with his teenage daughter's mental health and he seems to use it as an excuse not to make effort to visit me
Her mother died when she was either 10 or 12 - of course she has poor mental health. In any case, the welfare of any existing children should always come before a new partner.

he would like to have a child with me in the future (perhaps a year or so) dependent on his children's wishes
is in no way a concrete statement. There is nothing about this that says 'I definitely want to have a child with you'. At best, this says 'It depends...'.

Cut your losses, move on and rejoice in the fact that you've saved yourself a few grand.

AngelsSins · 20/10/2019 15:48

You’ve been used. He wanted someone to parent his kids so that he could have an easier life. He said he’d want kids with you in the future to string you along, knowing that it’s was unlikely to happen. He had unprotected (?) sex with you and then blames you for getting pregnant, and rather than being his skivvy and making his life easier, you’ve now given him more responsibilities.