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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband just slammed a door on me repeatedly

387 replies

WhatTheChuffJustHappened · 19/10/2019 10:00

Trapping my wrist, bruising and cutting it.
In front of the kids no less.

H and I have been together for 21 years, he's never raised a hand to me or even come close.

We moved out of our house into a tiny gritty nasty flat while we buy a house. No one wanted to, we all hate it but a long boring back story means we have no choice.

DH is a miserable arsehole every Sunday. I don't know why but he is, he speaks to us all like shit until the afternoon when nice DH comes out.
We're all sick of it. Knowing we were going to be in a tiny flat this weekend I offered for him to stay at hotel, I would pay, we all get a break.
He said he would stay at a friends tonight.

Instead he has extended his Sunday arseholeness to Saturdays.

We had a minor dispute about some medicine while he was holding the baby.

He then flipped out and slammed the kitchen door in my face - literally. I tried coming out and he kept slamming it shut, catching my wrist and slamming it again still.

I got out and I try getting the baby off him but he's pushing me, hard. I start to panic as he's holding the baby and I hit his arm. He then puts the baby in the sofa but towers over him so I can't pick him up.

I'm panicking and shouting at him to give me the baby and get out.
I pick up the remote control and hit him on the back repeatedly until he gets away from
The baby.

I pick the baby up and tell him to get out. My voice is shaking and he mocks it.

He eventually agrees to go after a torrent of lies.
He said he slammed the kitchen door because I started hitting him. That all this was because I kicked his clothes this morning (I did neither, there were no clothes and I was putting meds back in the fridge when he slammed the door, fridge and door directly next door to each other) he shouts that it's all my fault that he is the way he is.

I say fine, it's all my fault, I tried to fix that by giving him us a break in a hotel. But now he's still like this.

He took my door key so I couldn't lock him out.
To said I would take the kids to a hotel and he chucked the key back

I've now locked him out.

Fuck sake.

OP posts:
TottieandMarchpane · 19/10/2019 14:00

You do need legal advice on Monday.

Meanwhile you need to think about whether you trust him alone with the DC, (access issues) and whether you’re going to need legal aid.

If you’re adamant about not making a police report, then at least get your injuries noted by a doctor. It could be important evidence later.

RhinoskinhaveI · 19/10/2019 14:01

This man is (potentially) now your adversary I suggest giving him as little information as possible about what you intend to do and what you suspect he may be up to, i.e. be strategic and keep him in the dark

BrendasUmbrella · 19/10/2019 14:01

Oh and he took all your joint savings leaving you and the children with no money. That needs to be reported when you talk to the police too. It's another form of abuse. Please don't just sit back and let him walk all over you. Fight for yourself and your children.

SunshineCake · 19/10/2019 14:02

It all might seem impossible but he's laid his cards on the table so it is time to introduce your deck. Call the police. Ask for help in what you do now. Sort something temporary to deal with the damp if you can't have it dealt with today. Stop waiting for him to dictate the next step. Call the bank to reverse the transfer.

SunshineCake · 19/10/2019 14:03

Depression doesn't mean you are an aggressive bastard. I don't know anyone with depression who abuses their family, FD.

Itallt0omuch · 19/10/2019 14:04

You're going to take him back?

ptumbi · 19/10/2019 14:05

Ok It sounds like he has made a decision, and crossed the line. (massively)

i'd be surprised if there was any coming back from this,OP. And I'd be contacting the Police, step 1, and solicitors, step 2.

Take back control.

BrendasUmbrella · 19/10/2019 14:07

I fight him in court get half the money (maybe, fuck knows) and buy a property for me in the kids.
So we'll be in this health hazard of a flat for months and months.

You meet him in court via free legal aid because you reported the domestic abuse incident where he repeatedly smashed your wrist in a door, and also mentioned that he emptied the joint account. You possibly get half the money back and also have maintenance sorted out.

Can you stay with family for the time being? Do you feel safe in the flat anyway, and are the dc's okay?

If you have no other option can you afford to buy a dehumidifier for your ds's room?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 19/10/2019 14:07

I really think you need to speak to the police. I agree with a PP that you have to get this documented now to counteract his later rewriting of history

ptumbi · 19/10/2019 14:07

OP you really need to report this. Other wise you may find yourself up against him at a later stage, months ahead, when it becomes 'your word against his' and there is NO PAPERTRAIL!

Get it on record. You will regret it if you don't, which ever way this plays out. Even if he comes back, and is a totally changed man not likely it is still on record.

BrendasUmbrella · 19/10/2019 14:07

Call the bank to reverse the transfer.

Find out asap if you can do this.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/10/2019 14:08

Report everything to the police- you want everything documented for any legal, custodial, financial challenges.
Good luck OP- If the flat rental isn’t in your name just leave- I hope you have family near by Flowers

Original poster
WhatTheChuffJustHappened · 19/10/2019 14:08

If I have to take him back temporarily in order to get my kids into a clean and safe environment, then yes.

OP posts:
TottieandMarchpane · 19/10/2019 14:08

It’s not a clean and safe environment with him in it.

OkayGo · 19/10/2019 14:09

I'm not a morning person but since I had a child i just suck it up. I don't smash people's body parts in doors !

Original poster
WhatTheChuffJustHappened · 19/10/2019 14:09

IF he sought help.

OP posts:
RhinoskinhaveI · 19/10/2019 14:10

Yes he's laid his cards on the table, bad move on his part he's given you lots of information about what he's up to
you should play your cards very close to your chest, better still don't even let him know that you've got any cards

weeblefeet · 19/10/2019 14:10

You're making excuses

timeisnotaline · 19/10/2019 14:10

Op- I do think you need to see a lawyer ASAP. And call the solicitor first thing Monday as he may have requested those funds and cancelled the house sale.
For now,

  1. Call the police and report him including stealing your joint funds.
  2. What are your options, assume this is without him? Do you have any money? Family? Do you work? This is your life right now. These are miserable questions but need confronting. How long is the flat paid up for?
TottieandMarchpane · 19/10/2019 14:11

Controlling men often pretend to seek help. Most of the time it’s a ploy. Even when they’re sincere, success rates aren’t great.

His first move after you told him to leave, was to empty the joint savings. This is NOT a contrite man.

BarbaraStrozzi · 19/10/2019 14:15

Ask yourself what you would tell a friend to do in these circumstances?

Tough it out for the sake of a five bed house? Or get your friends to have a whip round to buy you a dehumidifier, volunteer to spend an afternoon with a couple of bottles of bleach making sure the flat is mould free, report the bastard to the police and get yourself a really good lawyer first thing on Monday?

I'd strongly recommend the second of these.

RolytheRhino · 19/10/2019 14:16

Unless the walls are actually called in black mould, OP, black mould is of minimal risk and even then it's only a risk if you've allergies to it. Mainly is just looks and smells bad. Moving back in with your husband would be much more dangerous to them.

PumpkinP · 19/10/2019 14:16

It was clear from the beginning that op didn’t want to call the police because she didn’t want to end the relationship so not sure why people are surprised.

cricketmum84 · 19/10/2019 14:17

These posts make me so sad when they go this way. Husband inflicts abuse, hundreds of people give advice about police, SS and WA and invariable woman takes abusive husband back. And then posts again in a few weeks about the next violent episode. Rinse and repeat.

OP - think about your kids. And what happens to them when he kills you. Domestic abusers do not stop at slamming arms in doors.

For the love of god woman will you just listen to what people are telling you???

Original poster
WhatTheChuffJustHappened · 19/10/2019 14:18

I'm making excuses to get my kids out of this hell hole of a flat.

I'm not making excuses to get back together with him.

Yes in the ideal world he will get help, admit fault, he would never do it again for the rest of our lives and we'd all live happily every after.

But I'm not stupid. He is already gaslighting me and blaming me for everything that has played out.

I need to play the long game.

Once we have bought that house it will be in my name as well as his and I will be in a much better position.
We will be out this grotty flat and i will have a lot more welly behind me.

Right now, I have absolutely fucking nothing and it looks like it will be that way for a long time while I fight him.

I can be clever, or I can be a victim.

I want to be clever.

OP posts: