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Original poster

He kissed and slept with someone else ...

139 replies

hattybattyscatty · 17/10/2019 16:28

But we aren't official so apparently it's ok?
I was introduced to a guy through our mutual friend.
We have been dating /having sex and I assumed he had feelings for me.
We speak daily and get on like a house on fire.
Saturday night we went to said friends house and I walked in on him kissing a girl???
I was upset and the next day he said
"Well we are both single and can do what we want"
I said yes but I haven't been getting with anyone else because I like you..
He said "well we aren't official you know"
I asked him if he had sex with anyone else since me and him and he said he had.
Now I know we aren't official and a couple but I just think it screams no respect.
Do I keep going at this and see if we become official or what ?

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 17/10/2019 18:20

Sorry but it's straight-up shitty behaviour. OP, I feel your pain.

Also, it's the total in-your-face, getting off with someone else in front of you that's so awful. Christ. Did he have to offer you a front-row ticket to his 'we're not official' sideshow? Humiliating.
This is who he is. I wouldn't want what's on offer if I were in your shoes.
I had a very similar situation years ago and it cut like a knife when I learned we weren't exclusive. It was the way in which he went about it that made it worse. I had incredibly strong feelings for him. But life went on and I got over it rather quickly. You will too. Flowers

OhioOhioOhio · 17/10/2019 18:21

Omg. If it walks like a duck......

Be glad it's 7 weeks and not years.

ChippyPickledEggs · 17/10/2019 18:22

What do you want to do? I would not want to continue seeing someone who had treated me like this. It's just bloody rude. However, if you do wish to continue seeing him I would suggest you wait for him to contact you. Hang back and see what he does next. If he comes back all hot and wanting to know what you're doing at the weekend then maybe you can initiate some sort of conversation about what it is he wants.

ZenNudist · 17/10/2019 18:25

Cut contact. Hes an in demand sort of guy who wants to play the field. If he actually likes you he will make it clear. Otherwise and more likely he will move on. Better that than insist on an exclusive relationship when he's not that into you.

firesong · 17/10/2019 18:29

I'd be purely friends with him now! If you meet up (if you even want to) don't get physical and tell him you don't see him that way after seeing him with another girl.

As a point of comparison, when I got together with my boyfriend and we were just starting out, he got asked on a second date with someone he met just before me. He told me about it later, when we were official, and said he couldn't imagine going on another date and kissing her again because he liked me so much. I think he would be more excited about you and less keen on others if he really liked you.

firesong · 17/10/2019 18:30

I'd be purely friends with him now! If you meet up (if you even want to) don't get physical and tell him you don't see him that way after seeing him with another girl.

As a point of comparison, when I got together with my boyfriend and we were just starting out, he got asked on a second date with someone he met just before me. He told me about it later, when we were official, and said he couldn't imagine going on another date and kissing her again because he liked me so much. I think he would be more excited about you and less keen on others if he really liked you.

firesong · 17/10/2019 18:31

Also agree with snipples regarding setting the tone of the relationship. If you hang on in there, he will take the piss out of you big time.

Interestedwoman · 17/10/2019 18:36

What a chavvy dog and a player. I don't know what dating is like for younger people, but if he was going to carry on doing stuff like that for as long as he liked, he should've made that clear, IMO.

He's a disrespectful, dirty low down twat. 100% ditch him, I wouldn't even be friends with him after that treatment.

Original poster
hattybattyscatty · 17/10/2019 18:38

I did feel totally humiliated and it was after he didn't apologise ...it was just
"Well we aren't official"
I think it's when you realise you mean nothing to someone.
I couldn't imagine having sex with someone else at the minute.

OP posts:
LionsHeart · 17/10/2019 18:42

I asked him if he had feelings for the girl he slept with and he said "I don't know what she looks like"

He'll say that about YOU soon.

And get an STI check.

RueCambon · 17/10/2019 18:48

OMG op, he's spelling it out to you so loudly. He'll enjoy you, as a resource, if you're there. But he is not scared of losing you. He is SO unafraid of losing you that he is not even spinning it as a once off and claiming that it made me re-think things. Nope, none of that. You get ''we're not official''. And worse, this woman meant nothing to him. He risked the arrangement he has with you for a hook up with a woman who means so little to him he can't remember what she looks like.

He may not value you but if you value yourself, you'll let him enjoy you again.

So many men do this. They treat women like placeholder girlfriends. They want the benefits of having a girlfriend because they enjoy that but they don't want to be faithful or owe you anything or consider your feelings or plan a future with you. They just want to enjoy you like a resource put in front of them to be taken.

It's more confusing than being used just for sex ime. Happened to me 5 years ago. Took me so long to SEE it. i'm surprised by that now. I've come a long way thankfully.

littleorangecat22 · 17/10/2019 18:52

Crappy behaviour. If you're dating and having sex with someone, to me that implies exclusivity unless otherwise discussed.

RueCambon · 17/10/2019 18:52

This clip helped me a lot at the time. I must have watched it forty times when I was in your shoes. I wasted longer though.

Unlike Amy Young though, I think that it'd be better for you to just drop the rope and walk away. You don't have to feed his ego by dramatically announcing that you can't do this any more. Just lose interest.

hormonesorDHbeingadick · 17/10/2019 19:00

I know it hurts but it’s better to figure out he is a dick at 7 weeks, instead of 7 months or even worse 7 years down the line.

RueCambon · 17/10/2019 19:01

Also, I wouldn't be surprised if kissing her in front of you was a deliberate distancing technique.

He could have had a conversation with you where he verbalised his disinclination to take what you had going on in the direction of a relationship. But that would have been difficult. Awkward. You could have asked him questions he didn't know how to answer. So instead he relegated you in front of you.

Potnoodledoo · 17/10/2019 19:39

I know it hurts but he was honest about what he wanted.He didnt lie or string you along.And i agree,the kissing her in front of you was spelling it out.He knows you have feelings for him.

You want different things,best move on.

Original poster
hattybattyscatty · 17/10/2019 19:44

Yeah he deffo knows I have feelings for him.
I didn't drop hints,I literally said
I have feelings for you more than a friend

OP posts:
Original poster
hattybattyscatty · 17/10/2019 19:45

Do you think it's something I've done for him not to want to be exclusive with me?

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 17/10/2019 20:01

Honestly, OP? Yes.

It sounds like you don't know your own worth.

By even entertaining the idea of giving a guy like that another chance and still wanting to be with him, you're showing him that you don't value yourself. And if you don't value yourself, how can you expect anyone else to value you?

Sorry if that sounds harsh but I think you've been too open with him about your feelings and you're prepared to accept too much crap. So he wouldn't want to be exclusive with you as you're inadvertently telling him you're not worth it.

More importantly, if you valued yourself, you wouldn't want him!

Closetbeanmuncher · 17/10/2019 20:01

Seven weeks is way too early to get attached to someone OP, but I would be turned off by his indiscriminate attitude to sex and bail.

Tbf though I like my men choosy and focussed on more constructive things than how many different vaginas they can stick it in.

Original poster
hattybattyscatty · 17/10/2019 20:10

Yeah maybe I shouldn't of said I was getting feelings for him.
I didn't help myself there did I

OP posts:
yellowallpaper · 17/10/2019 20:10

Look, face reality. You mean very little more to him than the girl whose name he can't remember. He's not committed to you. He wants to sleep around, he doesn't want to be in an inclusive relationship and even if he did it's not with you.

Cut off contact and keep a little dignity

RitmoRatmo · 17/10/2019 20:11

I’ve obviously missed the memo on today’s dating etiquette because I don’t understand this idea of “being official” versus “just dating/chatting daily/having sex”.

In my world/experience/circle if two people meet, spend time together, message eachother and have sex regularly together...that means you’re together. Surely?

What is this new “not official” versus “official” thing? At what point does this “official-dom” commence and does this necessitate some sort of rite of passage?

I’m not being facetious here, I’m genuinely interested and baffled.

OP- you are too good for this dirty rat. If he was the kind of genuine guy you’re after he wouldn’t be looking elsewhere whilst you’re in the exciting early stages of what appears to be a relationship. He should be pursuing you and into you and only have eyes for you. If he’s putting it about all over it shows he was only using you and the other woman/women for one thing and he’s a player.

Dump him and move on.

Potnoodledoo · 17/10/2019 20:12

Do you think it's something I've done for him not to want to be exclusive with me?

No,its all on him.

CodenameVillanelle · 17/10/2019 20:13

I don't like to date exclusively but I do expect a basic courtesy from men I'm seeing and that means if you're out with me, you're with me. If anyone kissed or flirted with another woman whilst on a date with me he'd be gone for the disrespect alone.

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