Advice please - DP gone AWOL due to ex partner’s tragedy

[Arrivaycida]

I’ve been dating a man (DP) since April. Everything was going really well. We were exclusive and have mutual friends, so I thought everything was above board.

About 3 weeks ago one of our mutual friends told me that my DP’s ex-partner of 10 years (who I knew about) had suddenly lost her teenage daughter in a freak accident in the UK and was coming to the UK to deal with funeral stuff and admin and the body. Obviously I was very empathetic - as much as you can be for somebody you have never met. Mutual friend also told me that DP’s ex had always suffered from poor mental health and she believed that this event might actually now tip her over the edge.

I mentioned it to DP who seemed extremely affected by it. His ex had already called him. Everything then happened so quickly. DP and I were not living together but had been seeing each other and staying over at my house once or twice a week and at weekends. He has continued to see and speak to me everyday, kept in regular touch, called me most evenings, but as far as I know he has spent every night that she has been in the UK, with her, at her house (which she has here but doesn’t live in.)

According to him and mutual friends, they are not having sex or back in a relationship, they are just spending time together and she is crying and on the verge of suicide, and he is helping her through it. He also knew her daughter well, was a surrogate father to her, and so this is profoundly affecting him as well. Apparently when she returns abroad (she is going back and forth) she has a partner who she has been with since they split.

I’ve tried to be really empathetic and understanding about this while at the same time withdrawing myself. He has now not stayed over at my house or slept with me for three weeks. Every time I ask questions about what’s going on and what he’s doing, I get a defensive response - as in I “should know exactly what he is doing” - “pulling her back from the brink of suicide.” Even our mutual friends have the same attitude.

As a result, last week, I politely ended things with him, stopped answering his calls and texts and asked him to give me space. The result was him haranguing me, apparently heartbroken, that I had finished things at such a “difficult time” in his life and saying that he is confused as to why I have done this and I need to explain why, we need to work it out and and that I am being unreasonable for not respecting his need to take time out and ending things with him so abruptly.

We have gone back and forth over this now for a week. Every night we exhaust the conversation and end up at odds. He does not see why him “helping out a dear friend and ex partner” should impact me so strongly that I finish our relationship. I can’t believe that he is so ignorant as to not see the affect this would have on me and our relationship.

He talks in gory detail about the death and all his ex-P’s feelings and suicide threats as if they should shock me into realising why he is doing what he is doing. I presume the result he wants is that I feel guilty for even suggesting there is anything else going on. As much as I empathise, I don’t feel it is right for him to be spending most nights at her house. What are they even doing? Why does he need to stay over? He says he is on suicide watch - but that is not his responsibility.

He makes the point that he and I are still speaking daily and seeing each other, that he has not been unavailable, that the only part of our relationship that is “temporarily” on hold is the sleeping together / sex. Then he reduces it to things like “why are you saying sex is more important than me attending to my close friend? If you love me and care about me, you will understand my need to prioritise.” Or “if I have to choose between sex and helping out my close friend - I choose helping her out.” It’s like a way of making me look like i’m being unreasonable.

Late at night on Friday after i’d gone to sleep I found he’d sent me a few sex texts - presumably to keep me roped in or to prove that he still sees us in a romantic relationship. But he was probably at her house?

When he doesn’t hear from me he calls and texts me incessantly about how unfair I am being for giving up on him because of this. Mutual friends who I have spoken to are agreeing with him saying it is only a temporary thing and she will soon return, after everything is dealt with, back abroad again.

Apparently their split was mutual and happened four years ago.

What the hell is going on?

I'd move in with a complete fucking stranger to support them if they'd lost a child and had no one else.

Would you? I wouldn't. Most people wouldn't. That's a very odd claim to make. Maybe you mean it - but you'd be very unusual if so.

Omg. I can't believe this.

I'd move in with a complete fucking stranger to support them if they'd lost a child and had no one else.

...would you though? Surely this happens a lot ! You best start packing your bags because someone around you somewhere is suffering & now is your chance to help save them!

Sorry but I agree with your partner. He has essentially lost a child who was very close to him, he is grieving, and in the meantime all the extra pressure you are putting him under over your jealousy is just unfair.

I'm quite surprised by all the posters who apparently think "out of sight out of mind". So if a loved one perhaps chose to be out of contact, or you lost touch, consequently years in each others lives are erased and meaningless, and we should just move on with a tra la la.

You come across as very self absorbed in your OP, but I think you’ve done the right thing by backing off. The whole situation is odd.

It's a joint grief isn't it?
He may not have seen the deceased for four years. That doesn't mean he's not allowed to feel grief surely.
The most he can do at this time is to share it with the DM and get her to calm down. And give her legs to stand on. Metaphorically obviously.
It's a very sad situation.
OP show some humanity. Even go over there assuming there's no animosity.
Very sad

"...would you though? Surely this happens a lot ! You best start packing your bags because someone around you somewhere is suffering & now is your chance to help save them!"

Watch you don't cut yourself on your sharp wit. No I'm not travelling the length and breadth of the country to support bereaved strangers, but then I think my meaning was clear.

If op wants to end it, she can (and has). But done callously and with poor grace imo.

You are being very unreasonable.

Actually if a loved one died in a gory way, not sure I’d be wanting to tell people or even think about how they got disembowelled, nature of specifics of injuries etc unless asked or pushed. At that moment it would be too hard to think about how they suffered

But prawnsword this is how you think you would react.

Firstly, you don't know how you would react until you are in that position (and I hope you never have to find out) and secondly there are no rules as to how you are supposed to grieve. Everyone is different.

Maybe he needs to.process these details. Maybe he needs to talk them out. Maybe he cant talk to the child's mother about them and so is talking his grief through with the op.

I imagine that if he is there supporting the mother in her grief that he can hardly be expecting her to support him in his grief.

This apparently is a red line for the op and she wants to end the relationship which is her perrogative but jees, would you not pick a better time? What's the rush? And if what she wants is to end it then why is she carrying on arguing about it, talking to him about it, not blocking him?

If it's over its over. It seems like the op is trying to make a dramatic gesture to make him pick her rather than actually wanting to break up with him and that's awful.

Op, if you want to break up with him then why haven't you?

OP, I don't think you are being unreasonable.

It's as though your ex can only choose to spend time with one person - he doesn't have to do that. Instead, he has shut you out - and you could have been a support for him.

He has time to harangue you now you've ended it. He could have used that time to be with you. Yes, he is grieving too. But again, he could be sharing that with you rather than her. It doesn't sound as though she is friendless in the UK - he could have come to see you one night for example.

It's really off to me that you took the perfectly reasonable step of ending things when you hadn't seen him for 3 weeks, and then Mumsnet piles on and says you are being unfair.

Block him and move on with your life, OP. This IS off.

Also, I'd love to know how having an ex in your house at night for 3 weeks helps with grief? The bloody Queen herself could have slept in my house when my Dad died and I wouldn't have felt one but better.

This man and his ex have had no contact for four years, yet he's now practically moved in with her to support her? And people don't think that's inappropriate?

Im pretty sure they do. And I'm fairly confident many people berating the op would feel/act similarly in her position but women like to bash other women so... 🤷🏻‍♀️

People like to distance themselves from situations they find uncomfortable so it's easy to criticise someone else's actions when you're fairly confident you wouldnt have to face it yourself.

I agree with FizzyGreenWater etc.

It's a new relationship and I think the OP is right to remove herself from a situation/relationship that isn't making her happy. She isn't obliged to wait for him.

Not all relationships are designed to go the distance and clearly this one wasn't.

"The bloody Queen herself could have slept in my house when my Dad died and I wouldn't have felt one but better."

Gosh it's almost like people handle bereavement differently isn't it?

OP says that a mutual friend told her about the daughter's death, and said that her mum had always suffered from poor mental health and that she feared this event would tip her over the edge.

OP says when she talked to her bf he seemed 'extremely affected by it.'

So to me, this is a woman who has suffered the worst possible bereavement, is in danger of harming herself and has no other support.

Being kind, and affected by the loss himself, OP's bf set aside his new gf somewhat in order to offer his support.

The suggestion that it's anything other than kindness is abhorrent imo.

The comments along the lines of 'not his problem' and 'where's her partner' are abhorrent imo.

OP's partner has continued to see and speak to op every single day. But no, he hasn't stayed over.

The posts on here from pp who have tragically lost children radiate grief and desperation. Why wouldn't you want your partner to help someone going through that?

The thing is, there are at least 2 perspectives here.

And it's fine to understand the new boyfriend's perspective and also understand that the new girlfriend doesn't have to accept it.

She doesnt have to stick around for him. He isn't coming to her for emotional support so she isnt taking anything from him. She's in a limbo without an end in sight.

Yes, it's only been 3 weeks, but they've only been together for 6 months. At what point would it be appropriate for her to end it? When this has gone in for 2 months? 3? As long as they've been together?

The OP has no direct involvement in the situation and she doesnt have to stick around for him to decide.

Because he's yours and every atom of his compassion and love should be ALL YOURS! That woman had her chance with him and now he's moved on and she should ACCEPT THAT and know he's owned by someone else.

Or something like that...

And for those saying it's the bf not the op who is mentioning sex, this is from her op

He has now not stayed over at my house or slept with me for three weeks.

So she is bothered by the lack of sex.

Im pretty sure they do. And I'm fairly confident many people berating the op would feel/act similarly in her position but women like to bash other women so...

Could not disagree more. Violent death and grief need time to work themselves out. Even if he wasn't with ex, he might have taken himself off for a few weeks. Such is the nature of bereavement.

Of course OP is entitled to end a relationship at any time, but her BF has had a massive shock, is grieving for a child he was stepfather to for years and supporting the mum who is in pieces.
OP's response to that is to be a demanding self centred GF who cannot understand the dramatic fall out of a tragic accident.

The BF has contacted her everyday, he has not abandoned her, he has been open about his own grief and his need to support this poor woman who is on the verge of suicide.

OP, sorry, but you sound awful, and don't come across well in this. Poor you, he hasn't stayed over for 3 whole weeks. I'm sorry, but if I was your BF I would not understand your inability to grasp the seriousness of the situation.

I don't know about other people but even if I don't know someone personally on hearing that a child has lost their life my heart goes out to the family left behind and the young life lost.

Saying

Obviously I was very empathetic - as much as you can be for somebody you have never met

Sounds like you dont understand empathy at all.

Your DP knew this woman, raised this young girl. This woman has had her world taken from her and all you are worried about is sex.

Surely he hasn’t seen the daughter for years because they moved abroad? Or am I missing something?

Either way he has had no contact with her for 4 years. either he was kept away, lost contact after a move, or you know... wasn’t actually a step father who helped “raise” her. When they broke up did he continue to pay for her? There are so many questions because in reality this situation just doesn’t happen often. He is swooping in to save her, 3 weeks & he hasn’t tried to expand her support network & nobody is allowed to ask when his vigil might end? I think he wants to know the Op is there on the back burner for later. He is deluded to think or even say he is trying to stop her from suicide. Someone who genuinely wanted to help would surely be contacting her family & friends, not just so nobly taking on this role. Her instincts are right.

Also saying “my heart goes out to people” during a tragedy is just a platitude. Yes I feel this too, just didn’t say those words as it’s a cliche. “I’m so sorry this happened to you, how can I help” is more my style. I don’t think the Op lacks empathy...she was expressing it was not her grief which is actually respectful too. Does your “heart go out to every tragedy” you read & hear about ?

Op I respect you for not allowing yourself to get caught up in the drama of your boyfriend’s supposed tragedy & see his actions for what they really are !

Sounds like he's dodged a bullet OP.

It's of course your right to end any relationship that isn't working for you but man your timing is just awful. Couldn't you have just sucked it up for a bit longer? As a PP says it smacks a little of grabbing the attention back and making things about you again. Certainly you come across as very lacking in empathy but you seem to have decided to only respond to the few comments that support you.

@itsmecathycomehome - the mum does have other support though, a partner. Albeit they are not in the country at the moment. I assume taking care of a younger family.

@Arrivaycida - it is a very difficult situation and you are not unreasonable for feeling the way you do. You have come across as angry and abandoned by a man you have been dating for a few months now. This has rocked both your worlds for different reasons.

FWIW, dh raised stepdaughters from a young age to their late teens/early twenties. His ex wife was somewhat challenging in her own mental health after we got together.

Recently we have received news via a mutual friend that one of his step daughters is terminally ill. He hasn't spoken to her in some years but this is a person he parented for a long time. I can imagine he will empathise with his ex wife over her illness and grieve deeply forwhat will be a tragically short life, the loss to her own young child.

Would he disappear for weeks to ensure she didn't harm herself? No. He wouldn't. He might spend a few days with her and his other stepdaughter but the bulk of that supportive role would go to her friends and family, her daughters friends who know the mother.

I suspect it is more difficult in your situation because the mother is based abroad and may not have the support network in place over here. I suspect you don't know what other wider support is in place because your boyfriend wants to be her knight in shining armour. For whatever reasons they split, he has leapt straight back into the role of her protector. He may feel guilt at their relationship breakdown.

All you can do is give yourself and him time and space. It's ok to withdraw. But maybe do it with a little kindness - "I understand you need to be there for ex right now, take the time you need to grieve for your ex step daughter". You are showing compassion, acknowledging the relationship he had with his ex step daughter without supporting his desire to be with his ex wife.

"I don't expect to hear from you everyday but a text or call to say you're ok would be nice."

"Please don't discuss graphic details with me, I don't know the young woman but I understand that you and her mum are grieving".

Your boyfriend is being very unreasonable to use graphic imagery to make you feel guilty for him being with an ex. He's not just saying 'she was my step daughter and I have fond memories' he is deliberately making you feel bad for him having anything to do with someone he hasn't see for years. Tbh I would be suspicious as well as it's deflecting.

I know exactly how Dh's ex-stepdaughter's ex partner died - dh and the partner were good friends. It was very graphic. All over the local news as well. But he didn't use it as a reason to behave like a twat.

Whilst I wouldn't end an otherwise good relationship, I would be taking a step back at this time as well. But under the guise of letting him have the time he needs to grieve.

I think you're not ready to make a commitment to him so I think it's the right thing to do and break it off.

@LunasOrchid

The OP hasn't moaned about not having sex Learn to read properly

He has now not stayed over at my house or slept with me for three weeks.

Erm....