Advice please - DP gone AWOL due to ex partner’s tragedy

[Arrivaycida]

I’ve been dating a man (DP) since April. Everything was going really well. We were exclusive and have mutual friends, so I thought everything was above board.

About 3 weeks ago one of our mutual friends told me that my DP’s ex-partner of 10 years (who I knew about) had suddenly lost her teenage daughter in a freak accident in the UK and was coming to the UK to deal with funeral stuff and admin and the body. Obviously I was very empathetic - as much as you can be for somebody you have never met. Mutual friend also told me that DP’s ex had always suffered from poor mental health and she believed that this event might actually now tip her over the edge.

I mentioned it to DP who seemed extremely affected by it. His ex had already called him. Everything then happened so quickly. DP and I were not living together but had been seeing each other and staying over at my house once or twice a week and at weekends. He has continued to see and speak to me everyday, kept in regular touch, called me most evenings, but as far as I know he has spent every night that she has been in the UK, with her, at her house (which she has here but doesn’t live in.)

According to him and mutual friends, they are not having sex or back in a relationship, they are just spending time together and she is crying and on the verge of suicide, and he is helping her through it. He also knew her daughter well, was a surrogate father to her, and so this is profoundly affecting him as well. Apparently when she returns abroad (she is going back and forth) she has a partner who she has been with since they split.

I’ve tried to be really empathetic and understanding about this while at the same time withdrawing myself. He has now not stayed over at my house or slept with me for three weeks. Every time I ask questions about what’s going on and what he’s doing, I get a defensive response - as in I “should know exactly what he is doing” - “pulling her back from the brink of suicide.” Even our mutual friends have the same attitude.

As a result, last week, I politely ended things with him, stopped answering his calls and texts and asked him to give me space. The result was him haranguing me, apparently heartbroken, that I had finished things at such a “difficult time” in his life and saying that he is confused as to why I have done this and I need to explain why, we need to work it out and and that I am being unreasonable for not respecting his need to take time out and ending things with him so abruptly.

We have gone back and forth over this now for a week. Every night we exhaust the conversation and end up at odds. He does not see why him “helping out a dear friend and ex partner” should impact me so strongly that I finish our relationship. I can’t believe that he is so ignorant as to not see the affect this would have on me and our relationship.

He talks in gory detail about the death and all his ex-P’s feelings and suicide threats as if they should shock me into realising why he is doing what he is doing. I presume the result he wants is that I feel guilty for even suggesting there is anything else going on. As much as I empathise, I don’t feel it is right for him to be spending most nights at her house. What are they even doing? Why does he need to stay over? He says he is on suicide watch - but that is not his responsibility.

He makes the point that he and I are still speaking daily and seeing each other, that he has not been unavailable, that the only part of our relationship that is “temporarily” on hold is the sleeping together / sex. Then he reduces it to things like “why are you saying sex is more important than me attending to my close friend? If you love me and care about me, you will understand my need to prioritise.” Or “if I have to choose between sex and helping out my close friend - I choose helping her out.” It’s like a way of making me look like i’m being unreasonable.

Late at night on Friday after i’d gone to sleep I found he’d sent me a few sex texts - presumably to keep me roped in or to prove that he still sees us in a romantic relationship. But he was probably at her house?

When he doesn’t hear from me he calls and texts me incessantly about how unfair I am being for giving up on him because of this. Mutual friends who I have spoken to are agreeing with him saying it is only a temporary thing and she will soon return, after everything is dealt with, back abroad again.

Apparently their split was mutual and happened four years ago.

What the hell is going on?

[QueenoftheDay]

I don't care what anybody says, I think two people who are grieving can definitely have sex (heightened emotions and impulsive actions etc)

This isn’t Eastenders. The woman is in the middle of a mental health crisis.

[Happinessforever]

@OldAndWornOut

My deepest sympathy to you. I can't even begin to imagine the pain of such a loss. Hoping you are getting the support you need.

[OldAndWornOut]

Thank you.
Really, thanks.

[LunasOrchid]

@QueenoftheDay

My Aunty and uncle losing our young cousin wasn't an Eastenders episode. My uncle was still able to have sex with another woman though. But let me guess, it's because he's a man and it's different? A woman couldn't possibly think of having sex whilst grieving?

Grief and sex is a lot more common than people think, a quick Google shows that. I'm not saying that they're definitely shagging but it certainly shouldn't be immediately ruled out just because they are grieving.

[Monty27]

Should my ex from 10 years ago that were part of my DC's lives and he of theirs didn't come and grieve with me if something happened to one of mine the community would be appalled.
What is it you expect him do to keep you happy exactly? Leave them in their grief and go to yours to grieve with you?

[ChevalierTialys]

@OldAndWornOut so sorry to hear about your loss, literally the worst kind imaginable. I hope you are coping better now.

[rvby]

A significant minority of folk experience increased sex drive and sexual impulsivity during grief / stress/ trauma. Theres a theory that some folk experience a bump in oxytocin (cuddle hormone) that causes them to seek out other humans for touch in order to allay the extreme pain that comes with grief. It's natural and normal to want to be physically close to other people during terrible times, including having sex.

People feel huge shame over it but it's not something that can be helped sometimes. I mean some can resist it but others just dont have the strength and honestly I dont judge them.

Here's the thing though. If my bf was bereaved and was helping another friend through the same bereavement, and they ended up shagging, I dont know but it's not something I'd whinge about on mn. Its fucking awful what they're going through. Life is bigger than a 6 month relationship. An actual child has died suddenly and tragically. Yes I would be hurt and sad if things ended but fuck sake.

Sure, break up with him, that I can't fault the op for. But have some fucking decorum. No need to slate the man or somehow imagine that you're hard done by ffs.

I dont think the ex bf is acting admirably in this situation, with the chasing and DARVO tactics but again. An actual flesh and blood child has been killed. He will be acting like a fuckhead. Ignore, block if necessary, but also have the compassion to see that grief brings out the utter worst in many folk.

[lottelupin]

I can understand why you'd expect him to turn to you for comfort, at least a bit. And if as rvby says, he's charged up sexually (yes, a natural response to grief - sex is oblivion, and life-affirming), then wouldn't he be coming to you for it first?

I get that's he's supporting her. Of course. But, as you say, where's her current partner, who's been step father to this poor child for the past four years, and partner of the mother?

Obviously she's chosen her ex ('your' guy) over anybody else. Which tells you something.

Of course given how relatively new/short your relationship is, you can't fight this. You've seen it, felt it and bowed out.

I also get that. But I think that, for whatever has been between you, you could be kind to him now, in how you deal with him, because it's a truly awful time.

[prawnsword]

Ok this guy sounds like he wants to be the White Knight coming in to save his ex from committing suicide. This vigil has no end in sight, this is the kind of grief that is all consuming & alters your whole world. When someone is an ex, it is great to be friends/friendly. It doesn’t sound like he saw this girl since they broke up so he is not her “step father”. I would too be wondering why they broke up, whether he may be using this event to get close with his ex while she is vulnerable & grieving.

I think the posters giving OP a hard time are misunderstanding that this bloke has not had any contact with his supposed “step daughter” In 4 years! Also I did not read her post that she was complaining about a lack of sex, I interpreted it that he has brought up sex in an argument, to make her feel unreasonable for questioning this guy’s priorities.

He has been living with his ex for the past 3 weeks. Despite this tragedy, it sounds completely odd. He was not this girl’s father & this lady has been living overseas. She must presumably have other family or friends to support her.

Otherwise every time we break up with someone & they encounter a terrible tragedy & suicidal, should we all swoop in & move in with them ? When do we know it’s OK to leave them & they won’t Hurt themselves?

OP I am with you that respectfully bowing out & cutting this guy loose is the right idea.

[prawnsword]

The only way I would be Ok with this if said ex was the one encouraging him to stay & talking about suicide. The way the OP has described it, the boyfriend is loving his white knight saviour role. My mother is the same, she is wonderful in a tragedy & in death situation - she will make meals, do your washing, drive you wherever etc. But in reality she actually finds it all exciting, loves to swoop in & play the role of nursing because it makes her feel & look good. She also loves hearing all the gory details of how the loved one has died.

Maybe I am projecting, but the way Op describes it, sounds like how my mother acts around death. The funny thing is nobody else can see what she is doing & thinks she is an angel sent from heaven!

[prawnsword]

Also - she likes to be close to the people who have suffered the tragedy so she has all the best, juicy info regarding it. Like being in a sacred inner circle. It’s sick. But the community don’t see her this way

OP you know what he is doing doesn’t feel right for you. That’s ok. I too think it’s weird him relishing telling you gory details of her death. It doesn’t sit well with a supposed grieving step father does it.

[ThunderR0ad78]

YABVVVU

[BillywilliamV]

Prawnsword course it does, he’s probably dwelling on the details because he’s traumatised by them.

[category12]

If a family member emigrated and you didn't see them for four years, would it mean you wouldn't be that bothered that they died?

People seem to be assuming that he chose not to be in contact with the girl, but it may have been her choice because of the break-up etc.

I had a step-parent who, when he split with my mum, it was quite difficult and complex between us, because step-families can be, and I did not stay in touch with him over some long periods. Yes, years. But I knew if I wanted to drop in on him, he was there. It didn't mean when he died, I didn't mourn him. And it didn't take away the fact he was a massive part of my life for years.

[SpecialKRocks223]

You're getting a right shit time here OP. For what it's worth I agree with you and would have done the same. He hasn't seen the child in 4 years, they haven't been together for 4 years. Obviously he'd be very upset and be there for her if she needed anything but being glued to her side for 3 weeks solid? Nope.

[itsmecathycomehome]

"Why isn't the woman's current partner of four years there supporting her?"

This is being thrown around like an accusation but we don't know, do we? Presumably other caring responsibilities - other children, elderly parents - or a practical reason such as no current passport.

Whatever the reason, it is hardly OP's partner's fault. His ex has lost a child and currently has no one else to support her, so he's doing that whilst maintaining daily contact with his new girlfriend.

If op can't handle it and wants out, fine. But 'politely withdrawing' sounds a lot like ghosting, sulking or ignoring messages to teach him a lesson. Like he needs someone or something else to be worrying about. It's insensitive, cold, callous and I agree with pp that he's well rid.

[prawnsword]

Actually if a loved one died in a gory way, not sure I’d be wanting to tell people or even think about how they got disembowelled, nature of specifics of injuries etc unless asked or pushed. At that moment it would be too hard to think about how they suffered. If he in any way was bringing these things up unprovoked, it doesn’t sit well to me. When someone dies tragically, often times gossip mongers come out of the woodwork. Acting like they were best friends & get an emotional payoff from the drama of it all. their involvement can appear selfless, but they get something out of it too.

[adaline]

I don't know why OP is getting such a hard time here.

This man and his ex have had no contact for four years, yet he's now practically moved in with her to support her? And people don't think that's inappropriate?

So if your DH's ex's child died, would you be happy for your DH to go and live with his ex for a week? Two weeks? Until she felt better?

When does it cross the line from supporting a friend in their grief to being inappropriate?

I can't imagine many people here would be happy for their partner to go and live with an ex girlfriend for an indefinite amount of time!

[prawnsword]

It is quite egotistical to believe he & only him can save this woman from suicide. Does he think his love & care will compensate for the loss of her daughter ? Who is this guy to her then. It doesn’t add up & I have been suicidal before so am not I empathetic to that. If he was really supporting her he would be on the phone to her family/friends/current boyfriend rallying them all around her right now. You are getting flamed because most people can’t spot this type of character. I see what you see based on what you have described here.

[Whiskers14]

So sorry for your loss, OldAndWornOut, I can't even begin to imagine the anguish you've experienced.

OP, read what OldAndWornOut wrote. Her experience is what your boyfriend's ex is going through. Why wouldn't you want him to support her through that?

[slipperywhensparticus]

Actually I think yanbu it's been three weeks she has other friends he hasnt seen this step child for four years and the child wasn't his anyway he should have let her friends support her too but he is acting like they are a couple grieving "together"

[EleanorReally]

what do you want from mn op?
do you think you ought to take him back?

[CodenameVillanelle]

Some people get a real kick out of being 'the one who saved X from suicide' and frankly ramp up the drama and the risk by their behaviour. The OP's boyfriend's behaviour sounds quite naive and very 'white knight' rushing in to save her and I wouldn't be able to help wondering why.
Of course he will have grief for the child also but it's not his child and he had lost touch with them both so it's not the same.
If an ex of mine was in this situation I'd be devastated for them but I wouldn't be so arrogant as to think I was the best source of support for them and the idea of moving in to save them from suicide is ludicrous. If they reached out to me I'd make sure they had medical attention and people around them (appropriate people, like their partner or their family) but I wouldn't dream of going to stay. It's just not a helpful or normal response.

I really think the OP is getting a hard time when most of us would think WTF in that situation. But OP you can only control your own behaviour and if you want a break from him then enforce it. You are not obliged to speak to him when you don't want to.

[itsmecathycomehome]

"This man and his ex have had no contact for four years, yet he's now practically moved in with her to support her? And people don't think that's inappropriate?"

I'd move in with a complete fucking stranger to support them if they'd lost a child and had no one else.

Inappropriate? It's been three weeks! I think some people need to give themselves a shake.

And I read the gory details being delivered to op as she minimised and groused and complained, to make her see what his ex is coping with.

[prawnsword]

Also people gave you a hard time for saying when you found out about this tragedy, you were as empathetic as one could be, considering it was someone you never knew. I took this to mean you gave your condolences, but understandably this is not your grief, what was OP meant to say or how should she react ? The news didn’t make her cry... Isn’t this the normal reaction when you hear of someone’s death who you never knew ? She hasn’t dated a man who was playing a father type role to a child, or was a step father. This must have really been a bolt out of the blue for her, ok he is a BF not a “partner” - but still your BF has moved back in with his ex & she must be OK with this because a child died. Way to make her feel like she is not entitled to question him. Most people don’t move into their ex partner’s house after they suffer a tragedy. This is not a healthy emotional attachment for someone I would want to date. As a friend, things don’t bother you in the same way as someone you’re dating sometimes. This is one of those times!