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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is my chosen void and I have come to scream

117 replies

meaninglesslife · 14/10/2019 11:37

Like it says - not expecting any response, but really really need to scream somewhere

H of 20+ years is in the process of moving out. Part of me still thinks this is one giant bluff and I am supposed to beg him not to go, but I am not taking that (or any other) bait.

Last night, he decided that the evening after DD’s birthday outing would be an ideal time to get blind drunk (he could barely stand) and tell DD that “your mother takes drugs to get through the day” complete with elaborate mime of sniffing drugs. I am on low dose antidepressants and have been for a while. He is an alcoholic but will not acknowledge it. He then went on to threaten me with a leather belt and hold on to my ponytail when I tried to walk away (both out of sight and hopefully sound of DC) before crashing around the house for a while and finally passing out on bathroom floor.

I am a loss as to how to protect (teenage) DC from the worst of this. Alcohol is absolutely at the root of most of the problems and they are unfortunately all too aware of that already.

Anyway. As I said. Screaming into convenient void, as I have no one to talk to in RL.

OP posts:
SkinnyEx · 14/10/2019 11:40

Let him go.

FoodWoes · 14/10/2019 11:42

Be glad he is moving out.

letsjog · 14/10/2019 11:43

Hopefully this might be a new start for you OP.

He sounds vile. And clearly has no respect for you or care for your children if he's willing to fill their heads with such rubbish.

Wishing you all the best.

Oliversmumsarmy · 14/10/2019 11:44

Help him pack his bags and guide him to pass out in the front garden resting on his suitcases

Mumcomehere · 14/10/2019 11:44

You and your DC deserve more than this. Let him move out and never let him move back in.

cheeseandpineapple · 14/10/2019 11:45

Sounds like you’re conflicted about him moving out, this is a good thing or is this not what you want?

Justtryingtobehelpful · 14/10/2019 11:47

Change the locks when he goes. I suspect he'll be back to check in on you when you don't come running after him. Worse if he's drunk.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 14/10/2019 11:48

Omg op, that's awful. I don't know how you protect your dc until he moves out, without moving out yourself. But if you do that, chances are he'll never move out. Do you have anyone close by that you and dd could go to, at a moment notice when you see he's drunk? Explain to that person what's going on and have a bag of stuff for you and dd there should you need an overnight stay?

BelleSausage · 14/10/2019 11:51

Get him out. Now. Report him to the police for assault. Report to social services for drunken abusive behaviour in front of kids.

Etino · 14/10/2019 11:52

Be glad he’s moving out. Your dc are old enough to understand that you are on antidepressants sonlet them now that that's what he was talking about. Flowers

Original poster
meaninglesslife · 14/10/2019 11:56

Thanks, all. You made me cry (just as well I work from home, really)

Conflicted - yes, I probably am. Moving out was instigated by him, in sober oh-so-very-reasonable mode. I have refused to engage with the process as IMO he just wants to blame shift and turn it into a story of me throwing him out (also, in all honesty, because I am being an Ostrich). It is probably the best thing for me, but not (at least in the short term) for the DC - emotionally or financially. My preferred outcome from an increasingly nightmarish few years would have been for him to actually seek treatment for his alcoholism.

OP posts:
bluetue · 14/10/2019 11:58

He is doing you a favour by moving out.

NoSquirrels · 14/10/2019 12:03

It is probably the best thing for me, but not (at least in the short term) for the DC - emotionally or financially.

Financially it may well not be, no.

But emotionally it will be!

Your teens are seeing their father blind drunk, accusing their mother of being the unfit one, and physically threatening her. Even if they didn't see that part, it is only a matter of time.

The only way to protect them is to get him out. He can seek treatment or not when he is gone.

It doesn't matter if he accuses you of "throwing him out". You fucking well SHOULD throw him out. He has physically assaulted you. He is abusing you. Your children are growing up around an alcoholic.

Get him out.

NoSquirrels · 14/10/2019 12:05

Do you have no one to talk to in RL because you are still protecting him?
You don't have to. You don't have to be ashamed of this. You can tell people your husband is an alcoholic and you cannot live with it any more.

Original poster
meaninglesslife · 14/10/2019 12:13

“Do you have no one to talk to in RL because you are still protecting him? ”

Probably. Consciously or otherwise. After he told the DC he was planning to move out, I emailed carefully selected teachers at each of their schools so that someone would be looking out for them (which they have done, unobtrusively, and I am very grateful) but H was very resentful when he found out that I had done that without consulting or copying him, and also because I phrased it that he had decided to move out rather than making it sound like a mutual decision Hmm.

TBH I don’t have a lot of people I could talk to anyway. Have told one friend but she has plenty on her own plate right now.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 14/10/2019 12:16

Well, bad luck to him that he doesn't like what you've said!

When is he moving out?

nomoreclue · 14/10/2019 12:18

Sounds like the best thing to be happening. Refrain from trying to beg/plead/reason. Polite smile plastered on your face and understanding nod of the head with “I think it’s for the best” if he tried to communicate about it. He’s playing up. Attention seeking. Use it to your advantage. Get rid of this dead weight. Then when he’s gone, lock the door and dance around the house!

Original poster
meaninglesslife · 14/10/2019 12:20

He says he is moving out a week today.

He also says, when it suits him, that black is white and zebras are spotty, so we shall see. Apparently DS will be helping him move?!!

OP posts:
raspberryk · 14/10/2019 12:25

I wouldn't let him spend a day longer in the house after what he did, why hasn't he packed his bags already?

Original poster
meaninglesslife · 14/10/2019 12:30

I have never understood how one goes about throwing out someone who doesn’t want to go.

I haven’t seen or talked to him this morning, but he won’t be sorry. He never is. I can’t physically throw him out - he is definitely a lot stronger than me. DS is home for half term so I really don’t want to start a shouting match. He has, legally, as much right to be here as I do. So, much as it might be easier if he went now, how the hell would I do that?

OP posts:
Wetnappies · 14/10/2019 12:37

Sorry but this sounds a lot like when I was a teenager with an alcoholic aresehole father and a mother on anti-depressants (not helped by my dad). My parents kept saying they were going to split and every time I got my hopes up because they never did.

Things only got worse.

NoSquirrels · 14/10/2019 12:40

Does he have absolutely no remorse at all? Does he remember his behaviour?

I would threaten to report him to the police for assault if he does not move out within a week.

Original poster
meaninglesslife · 14/10/2019 12:42

Don’t be sorry, wetnappies. Sorry you went through it, but I really welcome your POV. My DC tell me they don’t want us to split up - one of many things I don’t know is whether to take that at face value or if they somehow think that is what I want/need them to say.

OP posts:
raspberryk · 14/10/2019 12:42

The moment he abused you, assaulted you and threatened further violence, especially which the kids were in the house was the point where you should have called the police and had him removed.
Since you live there with the children he can be removed, I had my XH removed once before we split, and the week following it and I continued to live in the house for over a year afterwards before a legal agreement was made related to the house. I also had him removed a second time for trying to force his way in after we had separated but before anything legal had happened.

IncrediblySadToo · 14/10/2019 12:43

Scream away!!

Please don’t think the teenagers are better off with him there emotionally, they’re really not! Maybe financially, but there’s more to life than that.

Play the long game & do what it takes not to ruffle feathers and hope like fuck he does move out next week!

Scream in here!

But make sure YOU don’t ask him to stay, he’s an alcoholic who isn’t dealing with it and even if he did start admitting it tomorrow & getting help - he’s still a long way and a lot of abuse from being able to commit to you & the kids.

Hard as it is let him go 🌷