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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is my chosen void and I have come to scream

117 replies

meaninglesslife · 14/10/2019 11:37

Like it says - not expecting any response, but really really need to scream somewhere

H of 20+ years is in the process of moving out. Part of me still thinks this is one giant bluff and I am supposed to beg him not to go, but I am not taking that (or any other) bait.

Last night, he decided that the evening after DD’s birthday outing would be an ideal time to get blind drunk (he could barely stand) and tell DD that “your mother takes drugs to get through the day” complete with elaborate mime of sniffing drugs. I am on low dose antidepressants and have been for a while. He is an alcoholic but will not acknowledge it. He then went on to threaten me with a leather belt and hold on to my ponytail when I tried to walk away (both out of sight and hopefully sound of DC) before crashing around the house for a while and finally passing out on bathroom floor.

I am a loss as to how to protect (teenage) DC from the worst of this. Alcohol is absolutely at the root of most of the problems and they are unfortunately all too aware of that already.

Anyway. As I said. Screaming into convenient void, as I have no one to talk to in RL.

OP posts:
MollyButton · 16/10/2019 07:13

You need to start to build support networks.
Do start telling people, and accept offers of help. Tell their schools what has happened and see if you can get the DC some counselling (in school or out - they need a trusted adult to talk to).
I would also suggest trying an Alanon meeting - it could be a great source of support.

And they will know a lot more of what has been happening than you might think. You are now giving them a role model that is of value for future relationships. When they are willing do talk to them about it, and apologise for not reacting sooner.

And get a SHL!

j3mz · 16/10/2019 07:24

I er he wont move out! Pretty sure after 20years of living with this you know that too.
Alcoholics say anything (in sober reevaluation mode) that's why he said hes going to need a week hes hoping at some point in that week you will tell him not to go .
So question is do you want another 20years of this or are you going to remind him today to start packing

MzHz · 16/10/2019 07:26

A friend had a (now ex) dp with an alcohol problem, when she told us it meant that we were there for her, and it also meant that if her ex so much as thought about picking up the dc while pissed that there would be eyes all over him and that we’d step in and make sure the dc were safely taken to their home. The school were aware, everyone was aware. It pissed her dp off no end, but it worked and he was stopped a number of times when in no fit state.

Original poster
meaninglesslife · 16/10/2019 10:30

The police brought him back here. I know they have decided not to charge him, but I don’t really understand why he’s back here. By the time they finally turned up I was late to pick DD up, so I just went, assuming he was picking stuff up and leaving - but he didn’t.

TBH I just got DD to bed and then hid in my room, so I haven’t actually spoken to him at all. If he doesn’t leave today then I have no idea what to do next.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 16/10/2019 10:32

Can you call them to find out what steps you need to take to get him out? Why did they decide not to charge? Did you tell them about the previous incident? Do not minimise, whatever you do.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/10/2019 10:36

Contact Womens Aid and arrange a restraining order or what ever it is called these days...
Do NOT do anything for him from now on.
Make it as uncomfortable for him there as you can.
No washing, cooking, cleaning, ironing, shopping etc... for him.
But get on to an organisation that can help you.
Rights of Women may be a good call as well.

pointythings · 16/10/2019 10:41

You need an occupation order. It can be done really quickly, especially as he has been violent. Call Women's Aid or Rights of Women for help and guidance.

Ooogetyooo · 16/10/2019 10:47

I'm quite shocked he has been allowed to return the next day . Please seize the moment whilst you can and try to get advice how to get him out permanently . Alternatively is there anywhere you could go with the kids for a few days ? I know you said you're working but honestly I think this is bigger than work at moment . Could you ask boss for time off whilst you sort practical arrangements?

Original poster
meaninglesslife · 16/10/2019 10:51

Given that the police decided not to charge him, it seems unlikely that I would be granted an occupation order from what I can see?

OP posts:
Ooogetyooo · 16/10/2019 10:52

Did they ask you for a statement ?

Original poster
meaninglesslife · 16/10/2019 10:57

Yes, and I gave one, including prior incidents.

OP posts:
Ooogetyooo · 16/10/2019 11:04

You've done the right thing please don't be hard on yourself . Do you have time to see a solicitor ? Injunction ?

hellsbellsmelons · 16/10/2019 11:20

it seems unlikely that I would be granted an occupation order from what I can see?
You don't know until you try.
Give WA and RofW a call and see what they have to say before you give up hope.
I still can't believe they allowed him back.
I'm assuming he told he had no one else around to take him in?

hellsbellsmelons · 16/10/2019 11:21

I'd also call the police station and find out why they thought it was safe to return an violent alcoholic back to the home where he is being abusive.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 16/10/2019 11:29

So you now need a plan.

  1. call women's aid - they know this shit inside out
  2. find a solicitor - because now you need to divorce your husband and you need to know your rights
  3. If he won't leave, Call the police EVERY SINGLE TIME there's more abuse. There will be more. He will get drunk tonight and he will start on you again because he KNOWS how upset you will be about calling the police in the first place
  4. when the police pick him up again, be very clear that you don't want him returned to the house. Also speak to solicitor/WA about how to prevent this/what your rights are.
  5. Be honest with your children. Perhaps the hardest step of all.

You have a choice here OP - events are starting to snowball and you can get in front of them and control it, or you can wait for things to calm down and go back to how they've always been. Please don't choose to do that.

joystir59 · 16/10/2019 11:43

Don't take on his shame. Join Al Anon for families of alcoholics for strengthening friendship from people who know. My 39 yr old son is an alcoholic and I will not let him in my house, or even talk to him when he is drunk.

pointythings · 16/10/2019 12:51

I agree with everything hellsbells has said, including contacting the police and asking why he was brought home. That's not acceptable. My H tried to come back, but the police made it very clear that I didn't have to let him back, so I didn't. And he didn't get physical, just threatened to kill me.

These officers have failed you. Don't let it go.

Also yes to calling the police every time he kicks off. Get that paper trail down.

Original poster
meaninglesslife · 16/10/2019 13:10

Just talked to the police. Apparently since CPS decided not to charge him they cannot force him to leave, but they thought he was collecting some stuff and leaving again last night (because that’s what he told them).

Oh well, at least they know now, and have said that they will respond and “deal robustly” if I need them.

OP posts:
IncrediblySadToo · 16/10/2019 18:06

CPS are a shower of shite.

I’m so sorry they’ve let you down so badly.

Don’t hesitate to call them if he so much as looks at you funny or pours a drink.

Try to find out what’s happening with the place he’s supposed to be moving into.

Any big friends that can help him move?!

Original poster
meaninglesslife · 16/10/2019 21:01

He’s busy playing happy bloody families (whilst not talking to me) and taking the DC shopping (well, DS, DD won’t play) for their “new bedrooms” - so I guess he is planning on moving on Monday, but that doesn’t change the fact that he lied to the police about his intentions.

..and, with MN ringing in my ears, I have a solicitors appointment tomorrow. And the phone close at hand just in case.

OP posts:
TheABC · 16/10/2019 21:13

To echo the others, get in touch with Al-anon and Women's Aid.

I am really concerned about this: it's escalating and you are all at risk. Can you go anywhere else for the weekend?

I would also put a bug-out bag in your car boot with the essentials (passports, documents, cash, medicines and clothes), so you can leave quickly, if you need to. Make copies of any financial documents, such as his payslips, for future use.

Finally, hide anything sentimental and irreplaceable. If you do need to flee, he may well damage photos or objects to spite you.

YouNeedToCalmDown · 17/10/2019 07:26

I hope you are okay. You are being so brave and you are absolutely doing the right thing.
I agree with TheABC, could you stay with friends or family for a few nights?

NoSquirrels · 17/10/2019 08:32

Stay safe, OP. Hope the solicitor is helpful - try to take as much information as you can on finances etc.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/10/2019 08:36

Bloody hell woman - you are doing so well.
This must all be such a huge nightmare for you.
I really hope the solicitor is good.
If you don't feel they are 100% doing all they can then go and see others until you feel happy with them.
For now though, stay strong.

Keep that phone close by and stay out of his way.
If possible, get away for the weekend for the DC.

Ooogetyooo · 17/10/2019 11:11

Fingers crossed you get some solid advice today . Good luck